I feel so much better after talking to Becky. She has a way of shedding light on things that I knew already , but had forgotten along the way.
Like how much I love him. And like him.
He makes me laugh. He watches Teresa and Twilight with me. He is the best dad I know. He rarely gets angry. He has always had my heart.
She gently told me that he might be the right one in this. True, he was wrong, but there was no way to do it right. I am impossible to talk to sometimes. Most of the time. But she said he has to give a little too. He needs to make me feel loved and wanted and pretty and important. He needs to make sure our time is quality time. He needs to understand bipolar and ocd and anxiety more. He needs to learn my language. What I really mean when I say this or do that. He needs to stop lying and be trustworthy.
I need to stop being a bitch first. I need to take a minute and process before I speak. I need to believe him and believe in him. I need to understand that “normal” people enjoy social interaction and I cannot find fault in MD for being normal. I need to find myself. My self. I need to learn how to make myself happy and not rely on MD for my every happiness. I need to know that he loves me and not second guess and immediately jump to a point in time when we weren’t stable.
Because we are stable now. I love him more than I ever have. He’s my best friend. He said I was his. Becky thinks that it’s not a coincidence that our fights revolve around the same time something happens with Ian. She told me to be careful not to direct my pain at MD. And I know I do. I know that I am impossible to live with.
He looked at me during our fight and his eyes got wide and he simply said - you’re really crazy, aren’t you? I mean, for real. I never got that until this very moment.
Lovely. I showed my true colors yesterday. I thought they were gone, but they aren’t. Just tucked away because of the meds. Again, lovely. He looked truly shocked to see “me” again. I won’t forget the way he looked at me for a long time.
I made appts for him and I with Becky for next week. I will do what I need to and I hope to God he meets me halfway.