MS did wonderfully. She sailed through the hysterwhatever and the adhesion whatever with flying colors. Now hopefully her hemoglobin and her iron and everything else will get back to normal.

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Ok, that is all. Still steaming mad from that article. My heart just breaks for those babies and my blood boils for the muthatrucker that blamed it on her bipolar disorder.

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I wonder sometimes if I’m capable of shit like this though. I did try to stab my sister. I did try to brain MD. I did try to stick a knife in some dude’s neck in high school. I did try to run someone over in high school. I do have a temper. But my shit is done out of anger – not out of sickness. Does that make any sense? I know I get the rage from the bipolar, but it’s not rage that killed those babies. It was a sickness. A mental defect. Perhaps it was depression. Depression is a scary scary beast. But …. but ….. shit I don’t know.

Sometimes I feel better than other bipolar people because I act so normal. Then I think back to the shit I”ve done and still do when I don’t take my meds, and I realize that I AM a snow dancer. But that normally doesn’t bother me. It’s not until this shit that I stop and wonder what horrible monster things I could do given the right circumstances.

I know that we don’t have guns in the house because of me. Would I shoot the kids? Hell no, but I’m not sure about MD. Is that awful? Dead serious. There have been 4-5 times in our marriage that would have caused me to get rid of him violently. To make him suffer. To make him vanish from my life. Damn, just being honest.

But I could never hurt my children. Could I? Depression is a piece of the bipolar puzzle. And like I said – depression is powerful. It makes me do things they wouldn’t ordinarily do. Like kill themselves. And you don’t realize it’s the depression talking and acting until you aren’t depressed anymore. Some people never get that realization. They take their life before they can get help. I guess killing yourself and killing others aren’t so different. Once you establish the rationale in your warped mind, I guess it’s no huge feat to carry through with it. Getting the guts is half the battle, and with a mental defect – that part is a snap.

So what does this mean? I don’t like not knowing if I’m capable of murder. I won’t ask if I’m capable of suicide, because I’ve walked that road before. I know, given the right frame of mind, I am totally capable of getting rid of myself. THAT’S what has always scared me about depression. Because I remember what it’s like to retreat into nothingness like that. To feel nothing but pain. To convince your self very easily that no one wants or needs you around. It’s a horrible horrible place, and I take a helluva lot of medication to stay out of it. But it is possible. I skip pills all the time. What if I skip and something grabs me and won’t allow me to resume the meds? Like mania or severe depression. Then I’m barreling down a path to hell with no way to stop. Bad things could happen.

You know – but still – I  don’t think there is EVER a scenario in which I would be capable of shooting my babies or grandbabies. I just don’t.

Unfortunately, society reads this and it fills the holes in their bipolar knowledge, and I’m screwed.

Like I said – fuck em.