B – when you say twice a month, is that your choice? Egads… I’m not sure I’d be alive…lol ..

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MD has strep. He’s on the couch sleeping. He goes to work in an hour, so he’s using his time to sleep. I’ll just sit here and be quiet I guess. Could be time for us to talk about the bill situation, but hey, no, we’ll just sleep.

He’s noticed testiness. Is that a word? How I am saying more and more, not sure I can be happy like this or not sure if I can live this way or that’s not fair that we go by your life’s rules, and not mine. … And yes, I’ve said all three the past month alone.

I don’t think I’m happy. Hard to tell …… For the most part, my emotions are still wrapped in plastic thanks to the meds. But I don’t think I am. I’m tired of not being able to trust him. That he’s not leaving or biding his time until the kids are gone or whatever I think he’s waiting on. …… I’m tired of feeling like I’m the only one who gives a shit. I’m tired of the fights over sex and trying to explain for the 100th time how his lack of sexual interest takes a hit on me personally and my self-esteem and self-image and self-worth just get ripped to shreds. I’m tired of feeling like second fiddle to the tv and the volleyball and the iphone and the fucking world of sleep. I’m tired of being the only one who makes any changes around here. I changed the very fiber of who I am for this mutherfucker and he can’t take a viagra for me? I take 5 different medications which results in 14.5 pills every damn day. I gobble them sumbitches down to keep my family. I do it because i love them and I want to be the best ME for them. I do it because i know I’m lacking as a mother, as a wife, as a friend – when I don’t. So why is it so hard for him to see that he could use some psychotherapy to discuss his son’s illness? That he needs to ask the doc about the constant lethargy and no sex drive and 24/7 tummy troubles. That he needs to turn off the boob tube every now and again and LIVE his life minutes.

He’s right. I am testy. I’m feeling my age and I don’t want to live what I have left with someone who truly doesn’t and never will love me like I deserve to be loved. The way I love him. I need to see him take a step in my direction for a change and seek me out instead of assuming that I’m always there – by his side. He’s never missed me – never needed to. I’m always here.

For as long as I can be.