There are certain moments in our lives which shape the rest. Some moments that you can look back and actually see how they tipped the scales toward one path of life or another. I don’t have many of these moments – that I am acutely aware of anyway. In truth, every moment is pivot-able. Each moment defines the next. Just some we’re more aware of than others I guess. Some actually stick with us because the path taken was not the path of choice, but of chance. Random acts of others that alter your attempts to stay true to course.

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When I was 14, two brothers moved in up the street. I was totally boy crazy, just getting boobies and experimenting with makeup and omgomgomg… all was right with the world.

The younger brother moved here first. He was my age. He was kind and funny and honest. Gentle giant. I loved him almost immediately. I had had a couple of boyfriends at this point, but I wasn’t interested in being his girlfriend, I simply never wanted to be without him.

And then “he” came. The older brother. He came and decided that the previous month didn’t mean shit. He preferred me to my friend that lived next door, and I watched the younger brother step aside. Not actually, but we could all see it, just the same. The older brother was commanding. Arrogant. OMHell was he attractive though. Youngerbrother was totally easy on the eyes, but Olderbrother had that tall, dark, and handsome thing down pat. Mixed in with good ole boy, farm boy, small town boy –  he was a fucking dreamboat. The next two months went by in a blur. I grew up that summer. I didn’t put out, but I shore did grow up, all the same.

Unfortunately, Olderbrother  was not like his youngerbrother at all. He was an asshole. He was mean, as his brother was kind. He was vicious, as his brother was loving. He didn’t make me laugh.  Crazy love/hate shit started to happen.  Then school started. Things got worse. But he was the most popular boy in school, so I shut my mouth for a few months.  Then winter came and I got rid of Olderbrother for being such an asshole.

I get invited to a new year’s eve party at the brothers’ new house in town. Youngerbrother and I danced and held hands all night. Olderbrother danced with every Slut, Hooker, and Tart all night. At 11:45, their house phone rings, it’s my neighbor  from summer who had to move away. I listen to her cry for over 10 minutes. She misses us. She misses Youngerbrother. Him. I’m staring at him those last few minutes before midnight. I am glancing at the clock [11:57] as I watch him walk over signalling for me to just hang up the phone. I’m in a trance watching him because it’s midnight and i want that kiss – that first kiss – and then I realize that she was still on the phone and he takes the phone and hangs it up and then smiles.

Then his fucking mom waltzes in. She walks in, throws on the light, and laughs and says, ok, enough quiet time. She was a hoot. I hearted her. Real sweetheart. After that, she shoo’ed out kiddos for over an hour. I was due home whenever because my parents trusted her so she took me home at 1:30am after all the other guests had left. We sat on a bench in the kitchen the whole time watching people leave and holding hands under our coats and I just stared at him and he just stared at me. We didn’t talk. I will never know what he was thinking. I know I was thinking that I had just find the other part of me. I was so completed – just knowing that he wanted me. I had wondered all summer if he liked me or not.

The next day he told his brother, who immediately told him that we couldn’t see each other because I was his girl and he basically wasn’t done with me. In other words – he hadn’t gotten in them pants yet. Youngerbrother deferred to Olderbrother again and stepped aside. So, the brother I was actually in love with told me that he couldn’t let a woman stand in the way of the only true friendship he’s ever had – with his brother. And then he gave me a sad smile and let me go. I wasn’t sad for long. The two most popular boys in the school were fighting over me. The asshole brother asked me back and I would spend my next four years –off and on – being hit, hollered at, bitched at, made fun of – by the brother that was Evil, but oh so damn good looking. I shut my mouth when he would push me down the stairs for smiling at a friend  – a male friend. I was got socked in the kidneys once for hugging a male friend. I was squeezed, pinched, punched, ridiculed, and humiliated. I was an idiot.

Meanwhile, Youngerbrother flirted his way through school and settled down with a younger gal. Married the girl. There was me – the relationship that lasted for a night, and her. That’s it. He mated for life.

I broke free from Olderbrother finally by joining the army. I wasn’t really dating him that last year, just seeing each other in secret when we knew no one would know. We both had relationships, and my parents and friends would not have approved. I have only spoken to Olderbrother a handful of times since. Want to state for the record that in 4 years, I never once put out. I’m not claiming to be an angel, but he never took top honors.

Ran in to youngerbrother at the gas station last year when I was working there to help out. He goes in there every morning to buy supplies and fuel for the day. Just a simple man. Drives a truck. Works to provide for his two kids. Divorced. She broke his heart.

I always thought he was just scared of his brother, but a friend told me that he was more loving of his brother, than he was of me. As it should be. I know this man 26 years later. He’s still respectful and follows the pecking order. I still heart him. He’s a good, good man. Kind heart and warm, hard working smile. Looks like an old cowboy – wearing well, and all that. He and I laughed one morning when his brother came in to buy shit and he saw me and didn’t say a word. Youngbrother looked at me and smiled. I hope that means that he thinks of me sometimes. The thought of him still makes me smile. Not because I’m going to leave my husband and run off with Youngerbrother, but because he mattered that much to me once.

I know in my heart that had we kissed the new year’s night, it would have been different. It would have been real. Worth fighting for. And ain’t no way I would have ever let him go, so yeah, life would be a lot different had D not called me that night at their house. Do I regret it? Damn, no. I love my life. I love my husband. I still married a YoungerBrother – just a different one.

So anyway —- anyway —————– I became the old neighbor’s facebook friend today and spent a hour or so reading her blog and catching up with her life. She’s in a different place than I am, but I wish her the best.

It’s just weird to get a flash from the past like that.  Like being kicked down memory lane lol.

Was a weird 24 hours carrying this around – but it was nice. Hope this comes out the way I intended.