In MD’s defense, he’s always battling stomach issues. He probably has Crohn’s. Or colon cancer. Or something festering in his guts that he just chooses to ignore. Can’t have the colonoscopy because it wouldn’t be routine and the insurance would make us pay for $1400. Maybe this new doc can rewrite the order for it and code it differently. I don’t know. It’s been going on since we were first married. Well, it started in Texas. That’s when I noticed it I guess. That was ’93. So 20 years. This is his biggest reason why he doesn’t want to have sex. I get it. I really do. But on a night when we’re supposed to have a ‘nice night’, then why doesn’t take a couple of pills as a precaution?  I’m no stranger to tummy issues myself, but if I know I’m about to eat something that typically makes me sick, I gobble down a couple little green pills. Then all is right with the world. Some people need fiber, others need little green pills. All evens out.

I’m sure there are other reasons….. I’m fat now. I’m getting old. I don’t look the same as I did 23 years ago. He claims it’s none of these reasons.

He also admits he just doesn’t have the drive I do. He never has. It’s always me begging for more. And it doesn’t weigh on you. It does make you wonder what’s wrong with you. It does make you less inclined to ask for it, because you don’t want to be shot down. Hurts the ego to be shot down. For sex. It’s not like I’m walking around with a fucking power drill that i want to bury in someone’s ass. It’s not like I’m avoiding the shower for 4 days and wanting to get a little closer. I don’t think I’m bad at it. But maybe that’s it. Maybe it sucks. Easier to believe if other guys had ever shied away from my advances, but I can’t honestly think of any one of them that ever turned me down.

To me, if he loved me, he would go to the doctor’s and see what can be done. He’s been for his stomach, and we’re just waiting on the colonoscopy. Fine. But talk to her about your lack of drive. That would help out. DO SOMETHING. It just isn’t that important to him.

And get that. I know my drive is a lot healthier than most people. I expect it every day. Yes, I wrote that exactly how it is stated in my brain. I EXPECT it every day. I don’t GET it every day, but my brain does expect it. And when it gets let down day after day, it sort of goes crazy.

You have to remember I’m hypersexual. This may sound silly, but I need sex. I need it to make things balanced. I can go one day without it. No problem. The need rolls into the next day, no biggie. If I don’t get some on the next day, the need rolls up into the next day again – only bigger. Big enough to start charging into my regular life. I start to think about it more and more. It’ll get to the point where I’m thinking about it non-stop. EVERYTHING will be somehow given a sexually tint to it. Think 17 year old boy watching a woman eat her ice cream cone. Not sexual to her, very much so to him. If i don’t get any on the 3rd day, all hell will break loose that next morning. EVERY person I come into contact with that is even remotely capable of being fantasized about, will be fantasized about. It will color my whole day. My whole day will be about who I’d do and where. I can’t stop this from happening. I try to ignore it. I try to occupy my mind with non-sexual things to make it stop. It doesn’t. It won’t. It’s been going on since I was young. Very young. Let’s just say I was preoccupied with sex long before my body was ready for sexual activity.

If it continues after that, it just gets worse. And worse. When he was gone for all those years in the  military, it almost killed me. It was like being with out oxygen. I just need the release I think. I don’t think. i know I need the release. ANd don’t tell me to buy a toy. I’m very prude-ish, and I am not the kind that can just whip out a vibrator and announce to md that I”m going to have some me time. yeah, no.

So he has the drive of a wet paper towel, and I’m sort of obsessed. Good combo.