I am having so many issues these days…. I think the lamictal is to blame. The laundry list of ailments appeared on the 75mg week, and has steadily gotten worse as I get used to the 100mg mark. Scary worse. Going to list them – tell me if I should just ignore them or not. Maybe I”m just being a nervous ninny.

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sexual dysfunction – this one is getting serious. two weeks now with no drive whatsoever. Yes that is serious. And out of the two times that it has occurred – I didn’t catch the boat before it sailed – if you catch my drift. lol I kill me. This WILL be fixed. I will not be a happy camper if this doesn’t get resolved soon. SOON, I SAY.

I can’t sleep. I was up this morning at 3am – although I had an owie that woke me up, but I could NOT get back to bed – so up I am — again– running on 3 hours of sleep. Not to say that my body minds. Not to say that it gives me any negative impact at all. I just want to sleep like normal people. I eat at night when I’m alone. Like if there isn’t that guilt of having your family silently count the number of snacks you’ve had in an evening isn’t there, you can eat all you want. My fat ass is begging me to stop THE GORGE.

Headache – although this one seems to have subsided back to normal. We’ll see.

Found a check for $30 on the computer keyboard to someone named “Chunk” but while the numeric section said $30 – the word section said “five bucks baby” It was signed by me. In my handwriting. What the fuck is that? Who is chunk? Did one of you shits hypnotize me into writing you a check? This was highly disturbing to me. Shouldn’t it be?

My temper is back. I broke more shit yesterday than I have in 7 years. I was on fire. I wanted every one to suffer like I was. My poor babies have never seen me like that. They were so scared. I feel just terrible. I promised them I would talk to the doctor monday and fix it. I’m short, snippy, and snotty. Ball O’ Fun – let me tell ya.

Now to the Important ones….

I am losing blocks of time – but I am not passing out. Or blacking out, whatever. I simply don’t remember ANYTHING. I went in to walmart for 3 dog related items. I came out there with a box of dog bones – almost an hour and a half later. I couldn’t tell you what I did in between buying that ONE STUPID ASS BOX OF BONES and getting in to the car. I don’t even remember if I paid for them. I didn’t have a receipt? THen again, sometimes they offer and you say no. I HOPE I didn’t steal them. And what was so hard in buying dog food and dog shampoo while you were RIGHT FUCKING NEXT TO IT? I don’t remember any of it. THis part scares me.

I am terrified of driving now. I went to the urgent care clinic this morning, but I forgot where I was going. Sooo, I went passed (past ??) the exit  — WAYYYYYYYY passed it, and almost ended up in Kansas before my brain let up and it all flooded back. I cried all the way there. I was shaken up pretty bad. I was so lost. I wish I could say that this was a rare thing, but it’s not. It keeps happening in some fashion or another. I keep forgetting where I’m going, or how to get there,  or what was the reason for going in the first place. Maybe this isn’t a big deal,  but it is terrifying me. I’m going to be in a nursing home by the age of 45 at this rate.

It gets better ….

I can’t follow a conversation. When I say a sentence, I will either stop because I can’t remember what we were talking about, or I’ll say something that makes no sense. My family has been ignoring this – Why, I don’t know. Maybe because they’re afraid the new dumbass psychotic Angie is going to go to their house and smash shit for pointing out that I now sound like fucking Yoda when I talk ……. the dog goes to the park — this is now changed to angie language — park go to the dog, or ….goes to the park, the dog…. or my personal favorite – the wtf sentence followed with the awkward silence….the dog smelled like an apple crayon. Or I just stop talking altogether because I just had my mind completely erased for a moment. This happened 3 times Friday night alone. My family just smiles sweetly while they wonder how much shit I shot up my arm. Just kidding. I hate needles.

And the winner of the WHAT THE FUCKING HELL ARE YOU DOING contest – as spoken – just that loud – by MD last night when I was convinced he didn’t see that parked car so I grabbed the wheel and pushed it hard to the left. He about shat himself. I honestly thought he was going to take me to the loony bin. What’s bad – ok, it’s all bad, but what’s bad-er is that I almost grabbed my sister’s wheel Friday night because I saw a man crossing the street and she was going too fast to slow down. At the moment I was about to lean over and make her day, I look up and realize there is no man. Just like there was no spider falling out of my hair this morning when I saw it and started screaming like the earth was on fire.

I love Lamictal. It has picked me up out of the ditch I was in when I had about given up hope that anything could. I need it still. But maybe at the 50mg dose? I felt better even after the 25 mg dose, so let’s try 50 and go from there? That’s what i want anyway. GOing to call monday. And let’s just pray this shit IS caused by the meds. If not, omg. I ‘ll have full blown dementia in a few years at this rate. I’ll belong in that nursing home. That scares the shit outta me. I just can’t be convinced that shit is normal or tolerable or anyfucking way to live a life.

So anyway, wish me luck. Both on getting some answers, and finding my way to the damn doctor’s office.