Nothing but ian and his tears
I got to hear Ian cry for an hour today. Because he couldn’t use the nerf gun I bought him. Takes too much strength to cock it and even pull the trigger. Fucking duchenne. Sometimes it makes me so bloody angry. He’s just a little boy who wants to shoot his gun. I’m an idiot for buying it. I’m an idiot for not thinking it through. I’m an idiot for thinking I can handle this.
I can’t. I can’t explain to him in a rational, understandable way that his duchenne is getting worse. I can’t make all the bad go away when his legs fail him like they do alot these days. I can’t stomach the thought of him in that power chair. I can’t fucking do this. I just can’t.
Yes, you can, and you will. When my husband was dying, I felt the same way. Then one day I realized that I was making it about ME, instead of HIM. As each new thing was thrown at us, I would tell myself “I can do this”. It became my mantra. Say it enough and you even start to believe it.
You CAN do this. Ian needs you to be strong right now. Reach down deep inside and find that strength. It’s there, I promise you.
Deb | December 26, 2012 | 6:14 pm
I’ve been following your blog for almost a decade and my heart breaks for you. Sometimes you need that meltdown.
Wendy | December 27, 2012 | 11:40 am