Saw my doc yesterday. She said that my constant checking and freezing up over stupid shit is more OCD than anything. She gave me celexa to try instead of the buspar. She’s nervous that taking another anti-depressant might cause a manic episode. But I say bring it on. As long as I don’t lose my marbles. I guess I wouldn’t mind a HYPOmanic episode.

Speaking of, I haven’t taken it yet. Let me do that real fast….

OK. Yum yum.

So, the celexa is a weight gainer and a libido killer. Fantastic. Same exact reason why I didn’t want the Zoloft. We’ll see how this goes. I wish I was a little bit lighter so I had some wiggle room. I’d say right now I have about 3lbs to give before I start FreakingTheFuckOut. WOnder if that’s enough.

But I’ll try it. I’m so frustrated at work that I can’t even see straight. Literally.

Sad, but I must go back and read to see if I’ve mentioned what life is like at work…

Wrote this on the 8th :

It’s like I get paralyzed. I can’t think, I can’t function, I can’t do anything. I get so petrified that I’m going to screw something up, that I freeze. Can’t breathe. Awful.

What’s happening is this — I audit the figures from the stores onto 4 worksheets. Those worksheets are posted once they are verified. Then they’re posted to the General Ledger. Before I go to post, I check the worksheets to make sure everything is checked off. Then I check them again. And again. Then I make little check marks on the bottoms of the pages to tell my brain that I’ve indeed checked that shit already and can stop now. Then I finally tear myself away and go to post. A box pops up and asks if I am sure I want to post – and I’m not. So I check again. A few times. I check the date and store number at LEAST 10 times. So many times that my eyes get blurry and I can’t see shit. When I finally bite my lip and hit POST, another box take me to the GL posting area. Then I get to enter the store number and date again and another fucking box pops up that says ARE YOU SURE? And I take it so personally and it kicks me into RECHECK mode and I must do it another 4-5 times before I finally close my eyes and hit the button. Like I’m going to explode or something.

On the days I tell myself that I did it right and post without checking and rechecking – I make some stupid mistake that bites me in the ass and causes me to run right back into the arms of the recheck monster. Every Time. Last time I hit the wrong date – and since I didn’t recheck it, I had to manually change the date on 157 transactions. Not fun.

I need a snack.

See? hasn’t been but 10 minutes and I’m already eating.