I stopped the Celexa a week ago. Couldn’t handle the no sex thing. And I mean no sex. Nada. Completely Broken. I don’t even think so. I know it’s about out of my system because I have my mojo back, but things are still better at work. It’s not as easy as it was a week ago, but better than a month ago.

Christmas shopping is done. Thanks to my friend and mom. There’s no money here for presents, so thank gawd for them. I’ve kept a tally and when I’m able, they’ll get theirs.

There’s things a brewing here on the job front, but I’m keeping mum until things happen. Just in case and all.

I will say that he’s back on a route, and the pay should increase. Too little too late bastards.

I haven’t posted here in awhile. Damn shame to pay for something and not use it. And since I have no intention of giving it up anytime soon, I guess I better get off my ass and post more.

We put our tree up last night. Doesn’t seem to matter what kind we get, they’re all gorgeous in the end. Really helped my mood to have it in the house.

MD has to work the volleyball thing tonight. I’ll be waiting for him tonight when he gets home. Just to make sure everything works. So I guess I better hop along to the bath and prepare myself.

I’m pretty sure the celexa is making me sleepy. When I take it later, I get sleepy later. Takes about an hour or so to get into my system, and then the yawns start. And they don’t stop. Not till late the next day. Very annoying.

And I’m only just begun the 30mg mark, and already my sex drive has vanished. Don’t happen even if I force myself. Fucking how do you do.

I don’t sense an increase in my snacking though. At least that’s something.

I’m going to ride it out and give it time to work its magic. I already feel better at work. I’m not checking the worksheets but once or twice, instead of 10 times. Major improvement. But is it worth my love life? Gah.

• Tomorrow: Periods of rain and snow. Temps nearly steady in the mid 30s. Winds N at 10 to 20 mph. Chance of precip 90%. Snow accumulations less than one inch.
• Tomorrow night: Snow in the evening will give way to lingering snow showers overnight. Low near 30F. Winds N at 10 to 20 mph. Chance of snow 80%. 1 to 3 inches of snow expected.
• Tuesday: Cloudy with rain and snow in the morning. Rain and snow will become intermittent in the afternoon. High 39F. Winds N at 10 to 20 mph. Chance of precip 60%.
• Wednesday: Mix of rain and snow. Highs in the upper 30s and lows in the mid 30s.

Guess it’s time to break out the hats and gloves. Dammit.

———-

Day 3 of the Celexa and I feel nothing. Not like I expected to this soon, but I’ve got my eye on this shit in case I suddenly turn into Ms Munchie. I’ve lost 4lbs the past week, and I would really hate to ruin that. I WON’T ruin it.

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I am so damn sleepy I can barely keep my eyes open. But I took the pill 3 hours ago, so I doubt that it’s the celexa. Guess it might be. Who knows. Who cares at this point. I just want to go to bed. And so I will.

Saw my doc yesterday. She said that my constant checking and freezing up over stupid shit is more OCD than anything. She gave me celexa to try instead of the buspar. She’s nervous that taking another anti-depressant might cause a manic episode. But I say bring it on. As long as I don’t lose my marbles. I guess I wouldn’t mind a HYPOmanic episode.

Speaking of, I haven’t taken it yet. Let me do that real fast….

OK. Yum yum.

So, the celexa is a weight gainer and a libido killer. Fantastic. Same exact reason why I didn’t want the Zoloft. We’ll see how this goes. I wish I was a little bit lighter so I had some wiggle room. I’d say right now I have about 3lbs to give before I start FreakingTheFuckOut. WOnder if that’s enough.

But I’ll try it. I’m so frustrated at work that I can’t even see straight. Literally.

Sad, but I must go back and read to see if I’ve mentioned what life is like at work…

Wrote this on the 8th :

It’s like I get paralyzed. I can’t think, I can’t function, I can’t do anything. I get so petrified that I’m going to screw something up, that I freeze. Can’t breathe. Awful.

What’s happening is this — I audit the figures from the stores onto 4 worksheets. Those worksheets are posted once they are verified. Then they’re posted to the General Ledger. Before I go to post, I check the worksheets to make sure everything is checked off. Then I check them again. And again. Then I make little check marks on the bottoms of the pages to tell my brain that I’ve indeed checked that shit already and can stop now. Then I finally tear myself away and go to post. A box pops up and asks if I am sure I want to post – and I’m not. So I check again. A few times. I check the date and store number at LEAST 10 times. So many times that my eyes get blurry and I can’t see shit. When I finally bite my lip and hit POST, another box take me to the GL posting area. Then I get to enter the store number and date again and another fucking box pops up that says ARE YOU SURE? And I take it so personally and it kicks me into RECHECK mode and I must do it another 4-5 times before I finally close my eyes and hit the button. Like I’m going to explode or something.

On the days I tell myself that I did it right and post without checking and rechecking – I make some stupid mistake that bites me in the ass and causes me to run right back into the arms of the recheck monster. Every Time. Last time I hit the wrong date – and since I didn’t recheck it, I had to manually change the date on 157 transactions. Not fun.

I need a snack.

See? hasn’t been but 10 minutes and I’m already eating.

MB2 has been having very intrusive thoughts the past few years. They’ve really stepped up the past 6 months, to the point that he cries in the bathroom to get them to end. Thoughts that tell him that if A happens, then he’s going to hell. Or if B happens, he loves the devil. Or if C happens, he’s going to be a serial killer. Very real thoughts, very persistent. I should know – I have my own that the docs can’t seem to manage. Have to do A or all the money will disappear. Have to do B or the kids will die in a fiery crash. Have to do C or I’ll lose my job. It’s bloody hell.

ANyhooo – I wasn’t sure if it was OCD or anxiety running crazy — doc said they are one in the same when you boil away all the fancy words. So she prescribed Zoloft – same thing that MB4 is on for HIS OCD. Controls it beautifully. I will NOT allow my doc to go the same route, as Zoloft put 50 lbs on me the last time. Not thinking so.

And I have to be careful and watch MB2, because he has a mood disorder, albeit a minor one, and you might hurt someone by giving them anti-depressants without a mood stabilizer. She said she’s not sure he’ll need one, so I’m to watch him. Nice.

Then she started talking about my thoughts. I know she was trying to help recommend other meds for me, but all it did was connect me to The OCD Monster – which means I just don’t stop giving my children gifts that last a lifetime.

Let’s see if we finish this post or set it to draft for a few weeks. Or forever.

Not really much to say, just sitting here waiting for an acceptable time to hit the hay.Actually have to play tooth fairy first, so I have to make sure MG is asleep before I make the swap.

I did more with the payroll today. Learned about 941’s and 940’s. And garnishments. And state withholdings. And adding new hires. For some reason, this shit doesn’t stress me out nearly as much as posting numbers. Strange.

It’s painful to watch the wee one play soccer. He can’t run, he still can’t jump, he can’t kick. He has no idea of the rules of the game. He is often running the wrong direction. It shames me to say this, but I want to pull him out so that “I” don’t have to suffer through anymore. Guess that makes me a bad mother, but so be it. If I thought it was going to help him in the long run, it’d be different. But I don’t think he’ll get better till someone steps in and starts working with him on how to improve these gross motor skills. And that someone isn’t me. I’ve tried for years. Nothing I’m doing is working. I’ve been waiting for the school to say something, but they haven’t. Guess I’ll ask him teacher when I see her for the end of the quarter.

—

Again, this was written awhile ago. I have a bad habit of starting posts and never finishing them.

Anyway, I DID talk to his teacher, and she agreed that he needs help. So does the PE coach. They are going to put him in alternative PE – not sure what exactly that is, but I know it’s better than him hating the PE he’s in now. Other kids make fun of him because he can’t do anything. They are also going to see about getting him some OT at the school. That would be sweet.

Other than that, she said he is doing fine. OTHER than the other bastard kids poking fun because he can’t even keep up when they’re walking in line. Kindergarten. How can kids be that cruel in kindergarten?

—

In other news, MG’s teacher said she has more compassion than any student she’s ever had. I guess she dotes on her friend L – who happens to be in a wheelchair. And she can’t help H enough – a little gal that has ?? She’s super tiny, and her hands aren’t formed properly.

Her grades are decent. Her reading is better. And her heart is gold. That’s all I need to know.

Received a note from MG’s teacher about her reading. Seems that she will get extra help DAILY thanks to some AIM test score or something like that. Thank gawd. She really needs help. I’ll still work with her here at home, but I’m glad that they recognize she needs extra shit at school too. Finally.

—

I started that draft a week ago. Since then, MG has doubled her words per minute speed.  Amazing what a little one on one will do.

Taking the ring off of a new jug of milk.
Or that foil cover off of a new ketchup/mustard.
Wrapping up the vacuum cord.
Waiting for the microwave.
Giving the kids a bath – I know, bad mom.
Checking the mail.
Commercials.
Cooking.
Being cold.
Putting on makeup. Although I do it every day.

I’m sure there are more, but I needed to bitch for a second about these in particular.

Although I don’t really bitch anymore. Don’t have it in me to rant. Sad, eh? I miss it sometimes.

Bah, I miss it all the time.

Accepted the HR position. Have had minor panic attacks ever since. Still not for sure if I’ll ‘get it’ or not, as the HR gal has to like the new position she’s taking – fuel. Gag.

My appt is Thursday. I really need them to fix this anxiety shit. It’s horrid. The only time I feel normal is after taking a headache pill – and it has a small dose of muscle relaxer in it. The ativan and klonopin and valium and and and – none of that does a damn thing. Figures I’d be immune. It’s like I get paralyzed. I can’t think, I can’t function, I can’t do anything. I get so petrified that I’m going to screw something up, that I freeze. Can’t breathe. Awful.

I wasn’t like this before. Before they FIXED me. Granted, I don’t throw shit anymore, and I don’t run the house by yelling anymore, and I don’t think of every man as a snack anymore, and I don’t terrify myself anymore – but now I have other demons to deal with. Memory loss, anxiety attacks, kids running all over me — what’s the better life? I can’t tell anymore.

Sad thing is, they have me so wrapped into these drugs that it’d take a Very.Long.Time. to rid myself of them without withdrawal – and that’s with the taper down method. I firmly believe that I’ve been changed forever by these pills. That I can’t ever get back ME completely – if I wanted to. I can’t put into words what happens when I try stepping down off of even one of these Rx’s. Nothing I can live with.

——-

Day is too beautiful to sit around moping about my lost self.

I had four kiddos play soccer this year. None of them were on teams that dominated the playing field, but every damn one of them were on teams that were the first to line up afterward to shake hands. Sometimes even being left standing there by the opposing team forfuckingever before someone finally noticed and got everyone lined up. Sometimes even being left there until the coach finally called them in for snacks. I’d much rather my kiddos learn the good game lesson than to be on the asshole coach’s ‘winning’ team.

Now to just get this season over. It’s damn cold outside.