I’ve been on the lowered dose of lithium for a week now, and as best I can tell, I’m doing pretty good. I’m a little irritable, but I’m sporting a monthly visitor, so that might have something to do with it. So far, so good. If I’m still grouchy next week, then maybe I’ll rethink things. I don’t want to do this if the abilify can’t handle things alone. That’s the plan.

I didn’t tell anyone at the reunion that I was bipolar. Especially not after the crack someone made about so and so being bipolar – snicker snicker. He’s not really, but he was acting weird, so they threw the nice label on him. Like hell I was going to say anything after that. Not that I need to anyway, I just thought I might for some reason. Doubtful it’ll happen tonight too. I haven’t seen these people in even longer, and I don’t feel as close to them as I did to my regular class. So, you are the only ones that know. And my 3 IRL friends. That’s it. Kinda lonely in the know.

I was flipping through my son’s graduation cards, and much to my surprise, I find this little gem ….” congratulations on graduating, and I’m glad you finally got laid!”

Ahem.

…………. I was really quite speechless. I shot it over to MB2, who read it and raised an eyebrow. Looks like he didn’t know either. Of course, he quickly scooted downstairs to tell MB1 that I knew the big secret.

To his credit, he came upstairs, looked at me, and sat down – waiting.

MM: Are you going to do your thank you cards now?

MB1: Yes, in a minute. Don’t you want to talk to me first?

MM: Nope, you’re a big boy now. But I will remind you that I’ve gotten pregnant 7 times while using various birth control methods. To not use it is just plain ignorant.

MB1: I did.

MM: (Just once then ….)

MM: Good. And I hope you’re man enough to have a sit down if her parents find out. And it might be a bit more uncomfortable.

MB1: I am.

MM: Good. Now about those thank you cards ……

————-

I really hope I’m doing the right thing here. I feel like crying for some reason. Does that mean I’m handling this wrong? Should I ground him? Should I yell and scream? I just don’t think I have it in me with these pills. I don’t have the ability to get fired up at all. And do I really want to? My son had sex for the first time at age 18 with a girl he really cares about. I lost my V to a boy at 15 that I didn’t even like that much – just because I was curious. And let’s not even get started with MD. He was a virgin for about 5 minutes.

………letting out big breath ……….

What’s done is done. I hope I’ve rooted the birth control subject firmly into his brain. What else can I do?

My other 20th reunion is tonight. Pretty nervous about this one. Haven’t seen these people since graduation either. And that was for about 20 minutes. Haven’t really talked to any of them since Freshman year. That was a long time ago. Fortunately, the ones going are the ones I knew pretty well, and they are real sweethearts. Talk about small class – this one graduated 17. MD can’t go with me tonight either, so I have to walk in alone. Egads. You’d think I would get better at this social shit. Doesn’t appear to be the case.

It’s garage sale season and I hate being poor. You know you’re poor when you can’t take $20 and make the garage sale rounds. But, until I find a job, money is T-I-G-H-T. Just the way it is.

MB5 is doing really good at school. The teacher sent home a little note telling me that he’s doing fine. I’m so relieved. I still foresee a few problems here and there, but getting him used to that atmosphere was my main concern.

MB1 opened up his first checking account yesterday. He opted not to have me on the account. Let’s see how long before he needs money deposited and adds me to it. Never mind, ’cause I won’t add money to his account. I already warned him about keeping his account balanced and such. That we couldn’t and won’t bail him out because of stupidity. This should be interesting. MB2 handles his check book like a champ. Maybe MB1 will do the same. Hope so.

MB2 quit his job a few weeks ago, and has been slow to find another one. He’s holding out for one in particular, and if that doesn’t pan out, he’ll go out again hot and heavy. He has close to a $1000 in the bank, so it’s not like he can’t pay his bills for awhile until he finds something.

Doc decided to freeze them instead. I was happy until the incredible burn kicked in. Ouch. And still ouch. Everytime my leg rubs against my jeans it makes a big ouch. One on my face isn’t so bad. Hope she got that one good enough. Not really sure what happens at this point? They fall off? Dunno. Guess I’ll find out soon enough.

Getting ready to go have these things removed from my body. I’m nervous as hell about the needles to deaden the areas. A shot in my face? Good Gawd. I’d better not think about it. Can’t even take an ativan because they don’t work worth a shit.

MB5 is doing great at school so far. At least that’s what the teacher tells me. He’s thrilled to death he gets to ride the little bus. I wish he’d grow so he could ride with MB4 and MG. Would be so much easier if they got on and off at the same times. The way it is now is crazy. There’s almost 20 minutes between the older ones leaving and wee one getting on the bus. Same thing after school. Going to make it even harder to find a job. Well, just have to train and hope that MB3 will help him on and off like I have to every day. He is only 13.  That’s a lot to place on his shoulders.

Damn. Time to go get whacked on. Wish me luck.

The reunion was great. From what I remember. I got a little bit hammered. Ok, a lot hammered. Old friend kept saying, Put it on my tab, and more drinks would appear. I’m not one to let a good Tequila Sunrise go to waste. I do remember most of it, and it was fun. MD was able to take off work early and showed up for about an hour or so at the end. Then he claims we went home and had the best night of our lives – except I don’t remember a thing. Nothing. Nada. What a crock.

—-

The graduation was …. a graduation. Not sure if you’d call it a good time. It was hot and the sun was burning my flesh and we had to sit there for 3 hours watching the little ones squirm with boredom. The after party was ok. Sure were a lot of people that showed up. We only had 4 guests there. This party was for 4 of the graduates, and I swear one family must have had 60-70 people in and out of there.

So, my oldest has graduated high school. I would have liked to have Dad see this day.

Another year passes, and another Memorial Day passes without a marker of sorts for Dad. We still haven’t spread his ashes or planted them or whatever we’re doing. He’s still just sitting there in a box on mom’s dresser. Ick. She wants it to be perfect – I know that. But I think that Dad would want her to piss or get off the pot already. He once said to toss him off of King Hill – a place where he grew up – and I say that’s what we do. But she wants to plant a cherry tree and mix his ashes in there. Whatever. Just do something. We took flowers out yesterday for 11 people – except my dad. I hate that.

—-

Wee one went off to summer school this morning. He had to ride a different bus than the other two kiddos, because he needed a special harness since he’s so small. It killed me to put him on there all alone. He looked like he was about to cry. I’ve been dressed and ready to go get him in case that phone rings. I was so shaken that I forgot to get pics of him on his first bus ride. Dammit.

—

Now I sit here with no little kids at home. The older boys are all off doing whatever and here I sit. No new jobs in the paper. Not sure what I should be doing. Well, I know what I SHOULD be doing – working. But what to do until I find a job?

—-

New pics in the gallery.

I head out to my reunion in an hour. I’m nervous as all get out. Don’t know why, I’ve never been one to give a shit what people think before. But obviously, I’m 40 pounds heavier, and light years away from that smiling blond in the photo. I am 6 kids richer though. And they’ll see I no longer smoke anymore. We’ll see if I can still drink them under the table. Doubtful, since these meds put a hurtin’ on me if I drink too much. And yes, I have a ride to and from, so I won’t need to worry about driving.

Gawd, why am I so nervous?

I read Dooce. Yeah, I know. But I do. It’s like an obligation or something. Dunno. Anyfuckingway …..  after reading about her latest skin issues, I finally made the appointment to go talk to my doctor about a few spots that I have. Turns out they are indeed actinic keratosis, and have to be removed asap. She was all hot and heavy to do it tomorrow, but one is on my face, and with my reunion, and graduation … I wanted to wait until next week. I’d rather not have  a bandage on my cheek. Is that bad? Two more on my leg. I could have swore there were more on the other leg, so she said to comb over my body thoroughly, and circle areas of question. She’ll remove them all next Thursday. Let’s hope the labs come back benign and I’m good to go. It’d really suck if they didn’t.

So, if YOU haven’t made that call yet about the spots YOU’ve been wondering about – CALL YOUR FUCKING DOCTOR!

I have bought 11 lipsticks the past 6 months looking for the closest replacement for my discontinued color. I have had no luck. If I mix a couple, I get the desired result, but one of them has a weird smell, and it gives me a headache to use it.

Why can’t this be easier? Am I missing something? And why don’t they ever look like they did at the store? And why do some come in covered tubes? Those colored bricks look nothing like the actual lipstick. What utter bullshit. I haven’t been to the mall – they still do that try on before you buy shit? I’ll have to check there. Fortunately, my obsession hasn’t cost us all that much. Most of the tubes are from the Dollar Store – buck a piece. Probably why they give me a headache.

———–

My dear friend Michelle reminded me that nothing is out of reach through the internet. I now have 2 tubes of Rum Raisin coming at me from ebay. They also have it at a few other stores, but ebay was cheaper. It’ll probably be used or some shit. But if it works? Could’ve saved me all that money. Damn.

Just because you CAN post to Facebook from your phone, doesn’t mean you should.

Really, if you don’t have shit to say, don’t say anything.

Starting to get nervous about MB5 going to summer camp. He still pees sitting down, and still manages to piss all over the back of his pants at least 3-4 times a week. And he still can’t wipe his ass most of the time. Maybe I should hold him out of summer camp, and see if he is ready for kindergarten. I don’t know.

Big week around here. Graduation, school’s out, reunion. I found a perfect pair of jeans — at the thrift store — that hide my belly pudge quite nicely. Now I’m not quite so nervous about the reunion.

Do  you dress up at a graduation? If it’s at a football field? Yeah, huh? We’re so out of things like this.

Still looking. Still not having any luck. I’ll be back in food shortly. Thrill.

Attended the memorial service for the classmate that passed. I went with my friend, the one that dated him. It was awkward. To say the least. I didn’t expect to be recognized, but she did. She thought his family would .. I don’t know, talk to her? Embrace her? Not sure what she wanted, but she didn’t get it.

Wasn’t a total loss though. As we were getting ready to leave, we saw a few other classmates. Two of which I haven’t seen in 20 years. That’s a long damn time. I wasn’t looking forward to the reunion, but now I am. Time seems to heal and soften and put things into perspective. I could hang out with these 3 guys and have a great time, so I’m glad I’m going.

Not so sure about the other reunion. I get to attend another 20 year reunion, as I went to school with these other folks from Kindergarten through 9th grade. They invited me to attend, and I was excited about it – till I remembered my ex-boyfriend. I hope he doesn’t go. He’s still an asshole, and I just don’t want the drama.

Kids are out of school next week. Where the hell did this school year go? Good gawd. Summer school starts the next week, and it will crush me to watch MB5 get on the bus with the other two little ones. He’s so tiny. He cannot wait though. I’m glad he’s excited now. That shit might change once they make him start working.

I still love musicovery. I don’t know why. I think it’s because songs I haven’t heard of or thought of in awhile pop up and pleasantly surprise me. I like to be pleasantly surprised.

I’m having a real hard time finding the motivation to lose this last 10 pounds. You’d think having TWO 20 year reunions coming up would be motivation enough, but nooooooooooo.  My ass doesn’t seem to care. Actually it’s my gut that doesn’t care. I can live with my ass. For now. I just need to do some serious situps. I look 5 month pregnant. And I am NOT kidding. I’d show pictures, but then I’d have to shoot myself. I really want to take the easy way out and have a tummy tuck with our income tax money next year, but I’d feel really selfish. Very selfish. Dammit.

MB1’s car should be fixed tomorrow. Whooohooo.

I rarely listen to the radio, so I’m not really current with the music these days. Poor MB5 is along for the ride, so he listens to whatever I listen to. I made him a cd of his favorite songs the other day, and MD just shook his head : Dream On, We Are The Champions, Wheel in the Sky, Stranglehold, Time for Me To Fly, Mean To Me, Mr GoldenDeal, Eleanor Ribgy, No One, Bother, Broken, Red, Over You …… There’s more on his second cd, but let’s just say that it’s Audioslave and Staind and shit like that. I’ve probably scarred him for life.So why does it make me smile to hear him sing When The Lights Go Down In The City?

Well that perfect job went to someone with Medical training. Not that I’m surprised. Just bummed. There isn’t anything new in the paper today.  Nothing new on Monster or Hot Jobs. Wondering what the hell a gal is to do. Guess keep searching like everyone else out there in my boat.

—

Going to that service tonight for T. Puts a knot in my stomach.I hate this sort of thing.

—

MB1 finally has enough money saved to fix his car. That means I don’t have to share mine anymore. That means I can get a job that works past 4. That should help tremendously. Oh, who am I kidding? There aren’t ANY fucking jobs out there.

There were only 36 of us in our high school class. Private Catholic school. We lost one 9 years ago to lymphoma – one of my best friends Shawn. We lost another one Wednesday night, though no one knows what happened. He lived in Colorado, and the only news we have is “unexpected death”. He didn’t really keep in touch with anyone. Truth is, he dated one of my friends for many years in high school, and I hated his guts. I tried to stab him once.  I didn’t come here to bad mouth the dead. He wasn’t the best of boyfriends, let’s put it that way.  But as luck would have it, he was on the same plane to Europe that MD and I were on so many years ago. He has just joined the Air Force, and MD and I were in the Army. We said hi and laughed as we saw each other on the plane. I introduced him to MD, and he introduced his new wife. And just like that, the teenage shit was just that … stupid teenage shit. We wished each other well, and that was that. And now he’s gone. My friend won’t take it well. She says she is, but I know better. She still loved him, after all these years. And now he’s gone. To make it even more shitty, his wife died before him, and they leave 3 little kids. Just a damn shame. I’ll go with her Thursday to his memorial service they’re having here in town. Show my respect. Try to hide my shock that someone else is gone.

—

A guy MD works with lost his 3 year old daughter this week to leukemia. I know nothing about her, except that her parents must be absolutely devastated. The mom is pregnant with their 2nd child, and I pray that this baby is healthy.

—

I turn 38 today. Probably not a number that people usually rejoice over, but today, given all that’s happened this week, I’m going to thank God that I’ve been given 38 years on this Earth. And since a few more would be great, I guess that means I have to stop moaning about getting older and approaching 40. I’ll take what I can get and be thankful.

Ever since the talk about sex and protection, my mind has been going crazy.

We told him that night if he wasn’t man enough to buy condoms, he wasn’t man enough for sex. Told him that we wanted proof that he actually bought them so he doesn’t make me a grandma at 37 ….. ok 38, whatever. He man’ed up and bought a three pack. They’re sitting in my glove box. An UNopened box. They were too busy that night to even think about it. ……. Good.

So now I have condoms in my glove box. They belong to my 18 year old son who probably has not had sex before. My gut tells me no. He’s too open about his life to be able to keep that secret. He’d at least tell his brother and he’d tell me.

But it’s none of my business, right? As long as he uses protection, it’s none of my business. Right? Argh. Then why do I fight the urge to check that box of condoms every time I get into the car to make sure it’s still unopened? We won’t even discuss how old I was my first time. Geezus.

That’s another thing. I know that the only alcohol MB1 has tried has been with us. I gave him a wine cooler to try, and MD let him try a beer. His friends were headed to a party once, and when he found out it was a college keg party, he had them take him home. I would have called my mom to tell her that I needed a ride home later because I was going to be too drunk to drive. And she would come to get me and my friends late that night. Probably why the woman hated me. Nah, just joshing. She hated me before that. She actually seemed to be ok with the rides/drinking/etc. As long as I was hanging out with the popular kids. Heaven forbid I drink with my crowd.

And I know my kids haven’t tried drugs. We won’t go there, but damn. I can’t tell if we’ve raised them right, or if we’ve fucked them up. He’s going to get to college and go APESHIT. Gawd, what have I done? He doesn’t know anything about drinking. Is that my job to teach him that?

And another thing ….. after prom we always rented hotel rooms to party at. Booze, sex, destruction ….  we had a good time. Same with graduation. We had a party to end all parties. My dad made 8 gallons of his special blend of different alcohols for us to party with. The parents took the keys when we got there, and we all left the next morning, hurtin’ for certain. But it was a night to remember. My son’s plans involve a party at the legion with us and 3 of his friends and their families. Not sure how long this party will go on. Not sure if he has other plans in mind. Not sure if there are other parties. Not sure if I could handle it if there were other (wild) parties and he decided to go. I can’t handle the thought of him drinking. Man, what a hypocrite I am.

No real point to this post other than to remind myself how bad I was as a kid and how good my son is. But I can’t keep him in a bubble forever.

My son’s condoms are in my car. Gawd.