Well, I really don’t know how the interview went. She seemed to like me. She has two more imterviews, and then she’d like a few of the candidates to shadow her other MAs for a day or two to see if it’s something they would like to do. Then she hopes to have a decision by the end of next week. Joy. Nothing like waiting a week.

In other news, they are planning my 20th high school reunion. Another joy. I’m curious to see a few people, but dreading the rest of them. Feel like not even going, but I know some people would be pissed. Feels like high school all over again.

Ok, everyone pray or think good mojo or whatever it is you do – I have an interview tomorrow for a medical assistant, and the hours couldn’t be better. 10-4 M-Thurs. OMG, I can still be home for MB1 to take the car to work. I can still take MB4 and MB2 to their appts at 8am every other month and still be at work on time. She said it will grow into a permanent position later on. Perfect. OMG, please say a prayer for me. I was hoping to find something in the medical field, and this seems like the right fit. Let’s just hope they think so. I’ll be so bummed if they go with someone else. Good vibes that I don’t make an ass of myself tomorrow.

—

Oh man. The screening. Geezus. I wish I could say I was wrong and that he did brilliantly. He scored 25 out of 100. Go MB5! SOME of that is due to the fact that he is incredibly shy, and he barely talked above a whisper the entire time. Some of the things I know he knows, he simply refused to answer.

She (the counselor) strongly suggested that I go ahead and let him start. She said that his scores showed that he was ahead in other areas, which tells her that he is a smart boy, just going to develop at his own pace. I told her that I suspect he has a touch of OCD, and she said that explains a lot. Whatever that means. (And btw, he’s turned into a hand-washer. Holy shit does this boy wash his hands. I’m afraid he won’t have any skin left.)

Anyway, we have some work ahead of us. He knows ZERO of his ABC’s. A year of preschool and he knows diddly squat. I’ve tried working with him lyself, but he’s not too keen on sitting still and learning. I really wish I didn’t see doc visits in his future. I’m going to ask the kids’ doc what I should do the next time to help him be more flexible, assuming his does have OCD. Geezus, he’s so un-adaptable. Yes, that’s a word. I just want him to have a normal time at school. It’s downright cruel what the mind can do to a person.

My 7yo daughter was skipping around the house because she has her first boyfriend. I knew this little boy liked her last year. He chased her and brought her flowers from his mom’s garden and played with her at recess instead of his friends. Let’s hope this first relationship doesn’t lead to the first heartsmashing. She told MD that they were in love and that she wasn’t too thrilled that her last name would be …… well, to protect this little one’s identity, I won’t say. But it’s something you get at McDonald’s.

MB5’s screening is in one hour. I’m nervous as hell. I’ve tried preparing him for it, but it’s no use. The whole hearing test talk didn’t work out so well. He now thinks they’re going to pierce his ears. I tried making him say his ABC’s, but he held up his hand and said “I got this”. Whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean. Kid can’t recognize his alphabet, but he can tell me to turn the radio up in the van because Seether is playing. Priorities.

I’ll be 38 in a bit. I remember turning 31 on this blog. Again, time sure flies. Just wish I didn’t look 48, then I might take this aging thing a bit better. I have been dropping hints that I want a NOAA radio for my birthday. Aren’t I just the practical one? Actually, I’m just sick of sleeping on the couch listening for the alerts on the tv and for the sirens to go off the past few nights. I hate storms. I make all the kids sleep in the basement so I don’t have to worry about getting them down there when the warning sounds. Yes, I’m a ninny. I’d actually like the crank kind, but I’m not sure how well they really work. The kind with the radio and flashlight on it as well. Gee, I’m not greedy, eh?

This is the week. I need to get a job this week or things are going to get UGLY. Our budget can’t handle much more of MD’s smaller than usual Salesman paychecks, or him not running the milk route, or me not having a job. Speaking of, it’s time to check the want ads again. Please let there be more than 2 pages of jobs.

It seems like I just posted MB1’s prom picture – but that was last year.

This year’s pics:

Aren’t they cute? We had the talk about protection again. I hope he uses his brain. I hope they’re too busy with activities tonight to even worry about it.

I am trying very hard not to remember my prom.

MB1 graduates from high school one month from today. I ran across his cap and gown this morning in my closet, and I felt like someone knocked the wind outta me.

He’s still not fully registered for school. He still hasn’t retaken the ACT to try and raise his score for one of the better automatic scholarships. He still hasn’t talked to the couselor at the school about financial aid.

Tell me it’ll be ok if he doesn’t go this year. Tell me it’ll be ok and the world won’t end, ’cause that’s exactly what my brain is screaming right now. There has never been any question in my mind that my children will go to college. Our life is too fucking hard to let our kids take the same path. I can’t even allow myself to think of him simply getting a job and starting his life.

OMG. He’s so not ready for that. I haven’t done a good job of preparing him for the real world. He’s not hard enough to make it without college. You have to be tough and willing to shovel shit and all that to survive, and he is just nowhere near there. And we are in no position to bail him out financially if he flies the coop, and then falls on his ass. This is a time of reckoning for parenthood, and I think we failed. I babied him too much. Let him slide too many times. He lacks the drive to …. well, to do anything. And part of that just might be my fault.

I think I’m going to have a panic attack.

I applied for a position as an office gal yesterday. I’m hoping for a call back. Say a word or two would ya?

Starting to get very nervous about MB5’s kindergarten screening next week. He still can’t jump or run or skip. Still doesn’t know his ABC’s or his 123’s. Still writes his name in a way that isn’t legible. Still can’t understand him when he talks. Still FREAKSTHEFUCKOUT when something doesn’t go his way. Just like MB4 did. Does. The kindergarten teachers stressed how the kiddos need to be adaptable. MB5 definitely isn’t adaptable. Heaven help the kid that gets him dirty at recess. Gawd, he’s going to get kicked out. Of Kindergarten. I guess I just need to take a deep breath and see what the teachers think. I heard I could even delay his entry into school for a year if need be. That might be an option. Although that would suck paying for daycare for another year. And damn, he’s already had a year of preschool. Why is he so behind?

Well, because I never make it easy, I’ve decided to go with the red UNTIL I can afford to have it colored back to blonde at the salon. That’ll be about $100, so it might take awhile. Maybe I was just blond for too long, because I feel like a stranger is looking back at me in the mirror right now. I just want it back, but maybe not such a light shade this time. And since it’s so dark right now, I’m terrified I would screw it up, so I want it done right.

In the meantime, I’m going to enjoy my last stint as a redhead, because I sure do like the compliments I get. But I was thinking, ’cause MD mentioned highlights as well, can you have highlights with red hair? Maybe not as bold/light? I don’t know how that would look. Any thoughts? Maybe if I can find something I like, I won’t switch. I don’t know. Maybe I need my medication adjusted.

MD’s volleyball starts up again this week. His team plays tonight. Yay me. There are some fine looking men on his team this year, and I plan on hitting every game. A girl can look. I won’t touch. Unless I can somehow get MD to give permission, and that might be tricky.

Got another Sorry we have nothing for you letter in the mail today. Guess I’d better practice asking if you want fries with that.

I really don’t know which way to go. I know, it’s just hair. But it isn’t. I hate the way I look right now and it weighs me down. I need to change, but I’m not sure if I should go back to red or blonde. Anyone passing through could give a nod as to which one they like best – I’d appreciate it.

Red:

Current Color of Shit Brown:

Blonde:

I’m leaning towards red, but it’s really a PITA to keep it that way. Then again, so is the blonde. Shit Brown is the only easy choice. Screw that.

I’m so sick of this brown shit. I want my blonde back. Or maybe the red.

MB4 had labs this morning. His veins roll. Always a lovely time.

MB4 had a wax museum night last night. He was Mark Twain. He did really well even though he had to stand there for an hour with a heavy, itchy wig and mustache on. He looked cute though.

Picture sucks since I had to take it with my phone – assholes – but at least I was able to take one.

Some guy just came by and asked me for the old hot water heater we had sitting in the garage. We were going to dump it during the next appliance roundup the city had, so I assumed it was ok to give it to him. Any particular reason why he would want it? Metal? Glad to be rid of it regardless. Enjoy buddy.

Someone stole my camera out of my purse tonight. I left it in the car tonight for MB4’s presentation, and now it’s gone. I know I shouldn’t have left my purse in the car, but this is Hicktown, USA. And I was only gone for 45 minutes. And it was hidden on the floor. I’m just sick. It wasn’t the best camera in the world, but I was just starting to get the hang of using it. Fuckers.

—

Have some real hard choices to make about a job. I need one in the worst way. We can’t hold out much longer without my income coming in. I had to turn down a position as a general manager at a fast food joint because I can’t work past 4:30 just yet. In a month? Yes, but for now? No. I need the kids to be out of school and done with sports. Until then, my availability sucks. So it looks like I might be taking a shift leader job there instead. Gawd how I hate the sound of that. But it would still leave me on the path to promotion, and I could basically pick my hours in the meantime. Money is money. Doesn’t even bother me to do ‘food’ again like I thought it would. I was damn good at it. Well, I was. That was before I developed LithiumBrain. I’m no energizerfuckingbunny. That’s for damn sure. I’d like me some of that lithium action.

I told MB4 the truth about the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus yesterday. Broke my heart. Yes, he’s 10 – plenty old enough to know the truth, but I hate the fact that the only reason I have to even tell him was thanks to a few assholes at school that couldn’t keep their mouth shut. He was happy going about his blissfully ignorant ways.

Oh hell, the truth didn’t phase him at all. He nodded when I told him about the Easter Bunny, but his eyes grew into huge saucers when I told him about Santa Claus. He said he had a feeling about the bunny, but that Santa surprised him.

I did my best to explain how he’s become a part of Santa Claus now and how he will help buy presents and wrap them and stay up late and eat cookies – and his response? Do I have to? He said he would if that’s what I want, but he doesn’t really need to do that stuff to be happy. I told him that he needed to keep it a secret regardless – that his little sister and brother still deserve to believe for a few more years, and he said ok. Now whether he can keep that secret is up for debate.

——

And today I told him that he was autistic. He was having such a hard time understanding a discussion we were having, and I knew it was because his brain just didn’t work like ‘that’. So I sat him on the steps and told him that he was very mildly autistic. And I told him that it was the reason he had trouble understanding people sometimes. And it was the reason that he had so much trouble wanting to pretend or play with regular toys. And I told him that it was the reason he went to speech and was learning how to talk to adults and other kids. I tried to include everything he has trouble with, in simple terms so that he understood that there was a good reason why things are the way they are. I was afraid of his reaction, but instead he seemed relieved. He asked if anyone else was autistic, and I told him that his cousin was. He asked about other specific people, and then he asked if there was medicine for it. Told him that the only thing we could do for this was to help him learn the things he had trouble with.

Then I left him and cried. Because I’m a wiener like that.

Kids are out of school for spring break. It’s not so bad, as long as they are entertaining themselves. They started riding my ass for something to do about an hour ago, so I said we could color the eggs. Smart.

#1 the older boys aren’t home. I had to call and tell them to wrap it up if they wanted to help us – they both declined. I know they’re 16 and 18, but dammit, I bet their asses are looking for candy Sunday morning. Shits. I should give them each one peep. With its head bitten off.

#2 I forgot something pretty big – to boil the eggs. We set up the colors and laid out the egg holders and put the grass in the baskets and when the kids looked at me and blinked, I knew I had forgotten to boil the eggs first. So, the eggs are boiling – much to MB5’s torture. He wants lifted up every 5 minutes to see their progress. How do I break the news to them that the eggs must cool first? Gah.

This whole time MG is steady talking and talking. I am nodding and agreeing with her because it’s easier than getting her to stop. Now we’re talking about the dinosaur ride in FL. Not sure which park, because I didn’t ride any rides. Partly because I’m chickenshit, partly to watch MB5.

She’s stopped talking. Ahhhh.

Never mind. She was just pausing to regroup.

Elvis has left the building.

Anyway…. oh hell, I hear her coming back. Must have needed a drink or something to gear up for round two. I love her, but man can she chat.

I was right. Time for me to escape find something productive to do while we wait to color eggs.

Hope everyone has a wonderful and blessed Easter.

I went ahead and renewed the domain, but I really don’t know how much longer this site will be up. I’ll wait until after I try kicking the lithium – to see if that makes a difference in how I post, but after that? I just don’t know. It’s been a long 6 years, and the last few have just been oomph-less. Yes, that’s a word. Makes me sad to see it go, but damn, if I can’t post, what sense does it make to have it here? Every time I say I’m going to make an effort to post more, the anxiety kicks in and says – no one wants to read that shit, and I skip another day. I can’t get back to that happy place where I write what I want to write — for me — and fuck the rest. Not sure that part of me exists anymore. But I won’t give up the pills entirely. My home life is 1000% better, and I can’t sacrifice that simply to keep this blog alive. No matter how much it pains me to lose it.

Today is our 19th wedding anniversary, and I love him more every year.

Feeling better and better every day. Still bummed about finances, but hopefully I’ll find a job soon and we can get back to normal. Whatever that is.

The vacation was nice. The kids had a blast. Only downer was mom, hovering and bitching about the kids breaking something or someone doing something wrong. Nothing really out of the ordinary for her, but it was awful tiring deflecting her nastiness from the family. Let’s just say that I’m glad it’s over, and I won’t be doing that again. Next vacation will be camping. And when we can afford it.

Wee one has mock kindergarten on Monday. How is that possible? Seriously? I never did get to followup with the developmental people, and I know he needs speech, so I guess that’ll all begin soon enough as well.