Because of this white shit, MD can’t run the milk route tomorrow. Because of the white shit two weeks ago, he couldn’t run the milk route then either. That’s $500 gone. That hurts. They still haven’t called me back for that job. Trying not to worry, but damn, it’s hard. Sure makes my mood shit these days.

Going to try and relax and think about the trip. Without worrying.

MD and I had a ….. discussion last night about all this talk of stimulus and tax hikes and earmarks and whatnot. Let’s just say that we didn’t always agree. I was floored to hear him say certain things. I thought we were more in line than that. We are, for the most part, but there are some fundamental differences – probably why he claims to be independent, and we all know where I stand. Anyway, it just ruffled and surprised me.

We took MB1 to bingo for his birthday. He had a blast. But I realized that sitting still for 4 hours really pained him. I mean REALLY pained him. To the point that it pained the rest of us. I never noticed how fucking FIDGETY he is. Made me tired just looking at him. Perhaps he should borrow his brothers’ ADHD meds. Good gawd.

We lost, by the way.

The trip is looming closer. Making a final packing list and checking it twice. My sister and I made menus and a grocery list. I’m going to run by and get a few things that I know will be cheaper here. Still haven’t lost the weight to fit comfy in  my bathing suit, so I’m glad it’s just going to be family. I can wear a tshirt over the suit if it gets to me that much. We have the tickets. House is paid for. Nothing to do but wait with anticipation. Have to admit, I am getting excited. Just trying not to think about the money.

Oh wait, we get an extra $13 a week thanks to this stimulus bill.

Troubles are over.

Happy 18th Birthday MB1!

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I didn’t realize how sad these pics would make me. I feel like I’m losing him already, and you know he’ll be living in my basement playing XBox till he’s 40.

I need a snack. Then I need typing lessons, because I suck.

Waiting for MD again. Not sure why. Aunt Flo showed up at my door. Know what that means? Yeah, we leave a month from now. Guess who will be on her period during this Disney vacation? Yay me. DAMMIT. I know of two men who are reading this right now wishing I’d stop with the period talk. Ok, I’ll stop.

MB1 is sick. Poor guy. Birthday tomorrow and I doubt he’ll feel better.

Oh hell, I need to feed. Chocolate covered salt. That’s what I need. Only now it all makes sense.

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MB3 has a girlfriend every week. I remember those days. MB1 finally has a girlfriend again. Boy is a mess without one. Sad, but I understand.

I told MB2 tonight that his antibiotic might make his birth control pills ineffective. He thanked me for the head’s up.

I’m waiting for MD to get home from ref’ing. That isn’t a word, but I really don’t give a shit. Someday he won’t have to work all these jobs, and I’ll get him all to myself at night. Almost 19 years now, and I still need him with me 24/7. Although I bet if you asked him he’d say the break away from my crazy ass is nice.

But I’m not crazy anymore. And on that note…. I really want to try kicking the lithium to the curb. It’s nothing more than an anti-psychotic, and I’m already taking the abilify – WHICH HAS DAMN NEAR NO SIDE EFFECTS, compared to lithium, which makes me dumb as a post. I’m really bothered by the fact that my mind is gone. That’s not just me boo hooing about a little memory loss, we’re talking a lot of memory loss. Like enough that every one in my life just nods their heads and mutters, I know..” I don’t remember”…. It’s very frustrating. I’m going to ask the doc if we can at least try. If not, I’ll wait until the spring/summer when the risk of depression is lowest, and I’ll try on  my own. Maybe. I really want to, but the depression scares me. My mind is shot, but I remember clearly that 11 days off the meds and my whole world crashes down. But I can’t be depressed forever. Right? Right.

My nephew is having a rough time. He’s bipolar, and a teenager. Been there done that. Pure hell. Talk about roller coaster. You haven’t lived until you’ve been an out of control manic teen. Or a depressed one. Teens are manic depressive enough without adding more shit to the mix. But I don’t know how to help him. He won’t listen to a word I say anyway, I know he won’t. The world is out to get him, the world is full of dipshits, and he’s the only one that knows what’s best for him. How do you reason with that? Without just adding more fuel to the fire. Everything I say will be wrong because .. I just don’t understand. And he won’t realize that I DO understand until he’s way older than 16. And maybe not even then if he doesn’t see the need to medicate himself when he leaves home. That’s a scary thought. He has bipolar from both sides of the family. STRONG lines on both sides. He was going to eat that shit sandwich no matter what. But he has to learn that his reality isn’t … real. That his way of thinking is off kilter. Gawd, you know how painful it is for an adult to come to this understanding? Imagine a teenager being told that everything they believe is wrong. Hard for anyone to swallow, especially a youngster.

Aww hell, now I’ve gone and depressed myself. I could use a drink.

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And T? Thanks hon. Got them today.

Disney Tickets are ordered. Minor heart attack prior to purchase gradually subsided.

MB2 has pneumonia and a sinus infection. How fun is that?

No fun slides. No matter how much they ask.

I have to review Obama’s Road to the White House. This could be interesting.

I am already making a packing list for the trip. I’m convinced I’m going to forget something. Meds, makeup, pajamas…. these are things that have only recently been added. I KNOW I’m going to forget something.

Stuck at home today with MG. I know she has the flu. I knew she had it at 1am when she Linda Blair’ed all over my kitchen. MB1 and MB2 had the headache and sore throat and runny nose and headache and very tiny fevers. MG has all that and more. Lucky gal. Now to avoid getting this shit myself. And to keep MD in a bubble so he doesn’t lose hours.

I was on the couch off and on until 10. I’m getting too old to be tending to sick kids all night. Damn, I’ll be 38 years old. I remember turning 31 on this blog and talking about my body aches. Crazy.

Doc and I were discussing my anxiety – it’s getting ridiculous the things my brain thinks about, and he stopped suddenly and started asking me questions. Then he looked at the other doc and told her to have my thyroid tested. He thinks the lithium might be hindering the proper function. I read about hypothyroidism when I got home, and it sure would explain a lot. Not just the anxiety, but the memory loss as well. Not to mention the wacky ass periods and the fact that I’m freezing all the time.

Now if the levels come back normal, I’ll cry. I so want there to be a solution to an actual problem, and not just get a pat on the head and told that I can handle the side effects of the meds.

They also want me to seriously look into talk therapy. That sounds better than psychotherapy, doesn’t it? Someone that deals with cognitive behavioral something or another. Someone who can retrain my brain to not worry so much about shit I have no control over. Things that probably will never happen.

They’re also worried that I’m going to stop taking my pills. We were talking about hobbies, and I told her AGAIN that this blog and web designs used to float my boat, but I can’t do either anymore thanks to the meds. Told her my life was a boring existence and I couldn’t believe that this is how people really live. She seemed a little worried that I might flush my pills and go back to Drama 24/7. Which I won’t. Yeah, I think about it. All The Time. But I won’t. MD won’t stick around if I don’t take the pills. So what choice do I have?

Even if I’m not very happy about it.

MB5’s semi evaluation was last night. Not really anything I didn’t already know. His language is hurting enough for intervention, so we go see some gal next week to see just how ‘bad’ it is. More than likely, he’ll get an EIP for some help now before he starts school.

His motor skills …. gah…… he can draw and cut and write like nobody’s business, but he can’t hop, skip, or jump. At all. I knew that. I also know that’s why his score was sorta sucky.

But concepts….. I don’t know why he didn’t do well here. Except maybe the test was at 7:30 at night and his brain had already gone to bed. This whole thing lasted an hour, so he was getting antsy as well. I know he can sort and knows his body parts and etc and etc, so I’m not too worried about it.

His hearing was perfect, but his vision? Not so much. I knew that too. Might as well make his appt for his eyes to be tested. That leaves MB3 out of the 6 who doesn’t need glasses. Guess he got lucky.

She said she thinks he’s flexible enough to do well in school – pertaining to his rigidness. Said she noticed his need for perfection and order, but she was able to coax him elsewhere, which is a good sign.

Why is it that everything breaks when you JUST put some cash in the bank? Why? Nothing major, just little shit. Nickel and dime shit. But unfortunately, those nickels add up.

And I did some more figuring, and IF I go back to work soon, we’ll have enough for 5 days of fun in FL. If I DON’T, then we’ll have enough for 2 days. I know we can relax in this house with the pool and go to the beach and shit like that, but I would hate to have to tell the kids to pick 2 spots to go and that’s it when I’ve been telling them all 4 parks this whole time. I shouldn’t have opened my mouth. I guess if nothing else, we’ll hit Disney and …… kids will say MGM and the adults will say Epcot. No use checking into 3 day passes, because they cost just as much as the 4/5 day ones.

And I think we’ll buy the tickets soon, rather than wait for them to maybe drop. I read that when we’re going is considered peak season, so maybe the tickets will go up? I don’t know. I hate this shit.

Looks like MB2 won some DAR award. Citizen contest of some sort. Way to go, my boy.

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I’ll almost be glad when this FL trip is over because then I can get back to stressing about other shit.  Currently I am fretting over how much to set aside for food. For 8 people. For a week. At Disney. Gah. Good thing is, we’ll have the house to fix breakfast and dinner in. So really, it’s just lunch that I have to worry about. And worry I will.

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I can’t wait until the day comes when I don’t have to listen to Power Rangers anymore. I can’t believe the cheap little bastards are still around. The older boys had every zord known to man, and wee one has all the new shit. Barf.

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MD doesn’t work tonight. Hopefully we can have a good evening without any fucking football. Yee haw.

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I hate HSM. Hate.

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MD isn’t home yet. Dammit. Why is it that he always gets stuck working late on the nights he doesn’t have to work the other job? Dammit. I even showered.