We spent today in a state of shock, mixed with the incredible urge to vomit.

MD got a phone call last night telling him that he was to report to Ft. Leavenworth today. To see if they could get him qualified for recall. He was personally requested by his old General. He’s been out since 1995. His 8 years of IRR were up long long ago. So WTF? Guess it doesn’t matter.

They checked him out and determined that he was fit for duty – until he showed them tax returns that listed 6 children. That moved him to the back of the list. Thank Gawd. I’m all for doing your duty, but he’s already done his time and then some – way back when. It’s someone else’s turn. Preferrably someone who likes to pop off at the mouth about our government.

Guess who has asked to go the potty, and hasn’t had an accident in two days? Please let it be. My gawd, he’s 4 and a half. Stubborn little cuss. Let’s see how long it lasts.

MB4 is playing soccer again this year. This is his fourth year. Another year of sitting there cringing, wishing I had gone ahead and modified his shirt to say ‘hey, I’m mildly autistic and that’s why I’m acting weird – what’s your kid’s excuse?’

But instead I just sit there and pray for the game to pass without too many incidents. Incidents like how he can never just kick the ball. He has to wind up and punch that fucker so hard it not only knocks him down, but it lands squarely into the chest of another child, sending them flying backward on their ass. Now granted, some of those little fuckers deserve it, but I hate it when he catches the little girls with that power kick. The coach loves it. The coach uses that golden foot to rocket the ball out of the goalie’s box.

And then there are times when he just falls on purpose. Then he stands up, smiles wide, and examines the crowd – expecting to hear the roar of laughter over his fantastic trip. Like Spongebob ripping those fucking pants. I wait until he comes close, and then I tell him to stop falling down. Tell him to stay on his feet. But he just smiles and runs by.

And then there’s the commentary. He narrates the game in this incredulous voice like he just can’t believe this is happening. He flaps his arms – not enough to make me TAKE NOTICE OF THE FLAPPING!, but enough for others to see that he’s obviously disturbed by something. And he is, he’s just the only one that knows why it’s so important to repeat the plays like that.

The other kids are all starting to grow up around him, and he seems to be caught in this stage of suspended silliness. I know he’s maturing in his own right, because he’s learning things every day. Becoming more mellow. Understanding more. He’s hardly having any tantrums anymore. He seems to know that he views things differently, and he’s actively trying to correct that.

I guess I just get a reality slap when he’s up against other kids his age like that. It seems to take all the progress he’s had and fling it out the window. That’s not fair to him, but this is my pity party. Just when I think he’s as normal as they come, I’m reminded that we have so much more work to do. And that he may never be normal as they come. And that’s ok. I just needed to whine a bit before getting back to business.

Tonight is Light the Night. I only raised $200 this year – what my mom donated so the kids could have balloons to walk with. But, I already talked to my cousin, and we are going to do the tourney next year. We both missed it this year. She’ll call for donations, and I’ll handle the rest. Makes me feel better to know that.

Thought I’d something more to saaaaay ……

My hair is red. I have no camera so no pics. Sucks not having a camera. Maybe Santa Clause will bring me one.

Abilify seems to be doing alright. I am about up to level with it. Could use a bit more, but for the most part, I’m doing good. And I’ve lost …… 8 of the pounds I gained. Only …. 7 more till I’m happy. 17 more till I’m ecstatic. It’s easier to lose weight when you aren’t stuffing your face. I’m glad that pill is gone. I hate eating like that. Although I could use a Fun Dip right about now.

Well, I debated the whole way to the doc, and was still undecided when I got there. Her and I discussed it, and she reminded me that I still needed to go up in dose, which meant doubling it basically. And that the side effects will only get worse. Then she left me to chew on that for a minute and got the attending doc. She sat down and asked me point blank what side effects I had with Abilify. I told her none. I only thought my sex drive was gone on that – boy howdy do I know now that I was just fine. She wants me back on the Abilify, at a higher dose. She said the old doc had me on the — I can’t spell it — scy, oh shit, just a minute….she had me on the Schizophrenia dose, which is lower. And that I can go up another 10-15mg easy. So, we’re going to try that. It’s easier to say goodbye to the Zyprexa this time, because it isn’t doing what it did before. It’s not helping with the mild OCD or the social phobia or the anxiety. She does want me to switch from Wellbutrin to either Prozac or Celexa to help with those issues. I’m still debating that one. Wellbutrin gives you a kick, boosts you up, and makes smoking gross as all hell. Will the others do the same? Am I strong enough on my own not to start smoking again?

Sigh. The search for the right pill combo continues….

I have a problem. One that needs to be solved by tomorrow. I am the master of timeliness.

I have been taking the Zyprexa for …… about a month and a half now. I have an appt tomorrow to discuss whether or not to stay on it. I need a sounding board to work out the pros and cons.

Finally starting to feel the effects. BUT, not as good as the last time I took it. No dancing in the meadow picking the daisies. I am more tolerant, happier, more involved, yadayada. I think I still need a touch more though. Which leads me to the problem.

I have lost my sexual mojo. I don’t want it. Don’t want to think about it. Don’t want to talk about. You can count the number of times we’ve had sex since starting this pill. And to make matters worse, ummmm, well,,, it’s like someone numbed my bits. Can barely feel anything. Not good. Not good at all. I’m still working at this point, but I’m afraid what will happen if I increase the dose.

Now MD doesn’t mind because he claims our sex life is more normal now. He’s right. I know I’m hypersexual. I’m proud of it. It’s who I am. I size up every man I meet. I could care less now. MD kinda likes that too. But damn, I miss it. I miss that part of me. That was the only ALIVE piece I had left. But is it enough to throw out this pill and start yet another trial of something else?

And then there is the sleep thing. I have about 2 hours after I take it before I pass out. So I have to be real careful about when I take it. AND, it lasts for 12 hours. ComatoseTime. So, even more of a situation. I have to somehow take it to not fall asleep at 8pm, but to be able to wake up in the morning. I have fallen asleep driving to work ALOT while I tweak the times. Ran over caution cones. Woke up in the other lane. Drove off the road and almost off the fucking cliff. ALmost mowed over a street sign. I can’t function like that. I am scared to death. BUT BUT BUT. I think I have it figured out. If I take it at 7pm, then I have 2 hours to get the night time shit done and the kids in bed before I zonk. Then I’ll have a bit of trouble waking up, but at least I’ll be clear headed as I drive. I tried it last night, and it worked pretty well. So as long as I’m careful about what time I take it, I think this one is a non issue.

And lastly, there is the weight. So in a month and a half, I’ve gained 12 pounds. Not the end of the world, but enough to worry the hell out of me. My mom gave me her treadmill, and I was so excited – then we found out that our old ass house isn’t grounded, and the treadmill doesn’t really work because of it. It’ll run for a few minutes and then stop. Kind of hard to burn off the calories that way. Still going to Curves, but I haven’t seen anything happening there since day one. So while I thought I had a solution to the weight gain, it seems I do not. I can’t stay this weight. It’ll kill me. My spirit.

So what do I do? Give it one more month? See if I can figure out a way to make this treadmill work? See if I can get used to sex once a week/two weeks? Or try the only option I have left – Geodon. I haven’t heard raving reviews about that one either. Only other option is to go back on the ABilify. Wish it worked better. But at least it was weight neutral and didn’t mess with me sexually.

Anyone awake with thoughts?

Had a rough patch there for awhile. Was wondering if this pill was ever going to kick in. It did. Finally. Haven’t been that low in awhile. It’s absolutely frightening how much I rely on medication to function. To function well, I should say. I have nightmares that I have to stop talking the meds, and that I have to go back to living like I used to – at the mercy of my moods. At the mercy of my fucked up life filters. At the mercy of a broken mind. Very scary.

I started working at the other office last week. This is supposed to let the big boss have a look at me and decide if I have what it takes to remain on full time. To be offered a real job, and trade in my temp badge. I think it’s going ok. I’m not having any problems. The work is simple enough. Basically shows whether or not I can multi-task. My brain is thankfully kicking it into high gear lately. My memory is better than it has been in years. Maybe because I’m using it again. Use it or lose it. Heh.

MB2 got a job at Sonic. He was at KFC , but that manager was a whack job. And now he only works a few minutes from home, rather than 15 minutes down the road. He opened up a checking account with his first couple of checks, and is really impressing me with how serious he is about saving for a car. He should have enough saved in a few months at this rate. I was so worried about him. Turns out he’ll be just fine. He works very hard at his job. Go figure.

It’s MB1 that I’m worried about. OMHell is he lazy. His cushy job of reff’ing is coming to a close, and he doesn’t have anything lined up to take its place – even though I warned him for months now that he still has bills to pay and that I’m not going to float him some cash when the other boys all work to pay for their share of the cell phone bill. ANd he has incurance to pay on top of it. I only ask him for $35 a month, even though his share is $75. He hasn’t even looked for another job. Now he started soccer, and has practice or games every night. And he bitches when I talk about working weekends. Sure going to hate taking hi car away, but I’ll be damned if he coasts by – as usual. THEN – THENTHENTHEN – he tells us that he’s planning on taking a year off from school. !!!!!!!!! That he wants to move to FL, live with some relatives for a year so he can establish residency and get instate tuition for FL State. Fine idea, but I don’t think it works that way. ANd I know that if he takes a year off, he will never go to college. And who’s he going to stay with? Can’t just invite your non-employed ass into someone’s home. Family or no family. I think we have him talked out of this idea, but who knows with him. Makes my stomach roll.