Saw a new doc yesterday. My old one graduated. Whore. S’ok, this new doc is really into letting me take the reigns a bit. So I decided to give the Zyprexa another go ’round. We’ll see if hitting Curves three times a week helps with the weight gain that is sure to come. Hope so, ’cause I really loved the way I felt on it.

Playing Final Fantasy again with mom. Told her I’d play as long as she doesn’t pressure me on playing all the time. It’s perfect on the nights that MD works out at Volley’s, but that’s about all the time I have. Simply too busy. It’s fun and I enjoy it. Now we just have to get my sister to play. Hint.

I wish I was going to Blogher. Some women I really admire are going and I’d like to meet them. Maybe I’ll swing it next year. If I can get permission from my anxiety demons that control my life.

I think I am seeing my doctor next week. Some gal called about my refills and said she was in for Dr. X that day. Wanted to be sure I was keeping my appt and she made it sound like I was going to see Dr. X. I guess I’m glad. Wasn’t so keen on starting over just yet. Although I know she’ll graduate soon and I’ll move on to someone else anyway. She needs to help fix me. Something isn’t right and I need an adjustment. I think I was supposed to let her know before I started exercising, and I joined Curves two months ago. I haven’t lost any weight, but I think I’m down some inches. Who knows. I won’t let them tape me yet. Not ready. Not until I know for sure I’ve made progress. I’ve actually gained weight. Go figure. Had to do something. My thighs, butt, gut were getting ridiculous. Anyfuckingway, I remember her saying something about lithium and exercising – or any type of change like that. Can either negate the effects are make them stronger. Either way is bad business. I’m guessing that my sweating is causing the lithium to go byebye. Cause I don’t feel that shit at all anymore. And I hate this abilify. My sex drive is gone again and that really bites. And my eye still twitches a million times a day. I wish she’d give me another try on Zyprexa. Maybe it’ll be different this time with me working out. But I doubt she will. She doesn’t like to go backwards.

I’m hot. Think I might take the kids to the real pool. Never mind. That means bathing suit. Stupid me. None of that shit anytime soon. Maybe next year.

Yeah, that about sums up my mood. I save my beloved Pink Floyd for rare occassions now, and today the chemicals that cause me to play it are dancing about in full force. Perhaps I’m depressed.

I miss staying at home with the wee one. I miss having my house clean. I miss having laundry caught up every day. I miss summer vacations with my kids. I miss being here whenever MD is off. I miss being able to make appointments whenever I want.

Enough whining. I miss it. Yeah yeah, but I work now, and it’s oh so amazing how quickly your world shifts to include that pay check and whoa nelly what would happen if it up and disappeared. We’d survive. Just not that well.

MB3’s birthday is today. 13. Insert the whole wow I can’t believe it’s and the where has the time gone. He’s a good kid and I am proud he’s my son. Even if his hair – never mind. It could be so much worse.

The 4th of July sucked. For me anyway. Last year the fourth was the start of dad’s decline, and I’m afraid every year is going to suck this bad. Then we have the first anniversary of his death next month. My my, I guess you could insert the same old lines as above – I can’t believe it. Where has the time gone?

But gone it has. Marched right the fuck on without a second thought. Only the ache is still just as strong. I still lose my breath when I remember that he’s gone. It still boggles the mind that my dad died. My dad. My dad died. He’s gone and nothing and nohow is going to fix that. And I’m reminded every so often and it stings like nobody’s business.

Enough gloom. There are new pictures. I just took some quick shots at the park, but they turned out alright I guess.

I think I see a new doc at the end of this month. I was supposed to go back in May. Oops. I think my doc up and graduated on me. Figures. FInd one I like and she scoots on out the door. Then again, she never really listened to me about the anxiety either. Maybe someone else would have some helpful answers.