MD might have another job. It’s a night load hauling job he’s wanted for a couple of years now. Local route, but pays like nobody’s business. Well, it starts out very decent, and grows into Ang don’t have to work anymore within two years. We should find out the next couple of weeks. I’m not even nervous about it. If it happens, it does. If not, we’ll survive like we always have. I am worried about MD’s back humping beer, but we’ll find something else for him if this isn’t it.

I feel much better now that the wellbutrin is back on track. Crazy how sensitive your system is. And voila, the better I feel, the closer MD and I get. I can feel it. I could seriously feel him pulling away the past few weeks. Scary feeling. Especially to know it’s my fault and there was nothing I could do to stop being hateful. At least he knows now that I wouldn’t act that way if I could help it. That’s not an excuse, I seriously flip a switch and become impossible to live with – whether I want to or not. And it all depends on if I take my pills or not. So I take them. Yummy in my tummy.

David Cook Rocks

Haven’t felt like myself lately. Wasn’t taking the wellbutrin because it ran out and I didn’t think I needed it anyway. I was wrong. That’s what I get for thinking. Starting to feel better slowly. I’m so tired of being so dependent upon a pill for my …. my everything. My whole world rides on these meds. Pretty fucking dangerous shoes to be in, if ya ask me.

I came here to put some sort of update down on ‘paper’, but as usual, the words aren’t there. Maybe I can force them.

Kids only have one week of school left. This week, rather. Then the fun begins of having them call me at work 24/7 asking me stupid shit. Summer camp starts the first week of June, so at least the little ones will be occupied during the day for the first month of summer.

Still forcing….

Feeling incredibly guilty over not doing the tournament. Kids couldn’t believe it when they realized it the other day. Guess they started to look forward to it. Too late now, I don’t have any donations. Not like I could work the phones all day to get some either. Next year.

Let’s see…. marriage is still going well ( as far as I know), still a temp, hair is still fried, starting Curves tomorrow to try and get rid of my 6 month pregnant pooch I have going on, still riding MD’s ass to quit smoking, still battling a sore throat, still 37 ……

That’s enough for starters.

Ate lunch next to one of my dad’s best friends. He didn’t see me. Or at least he didn’t come over. I sure as hell wasn’t going to go over there. Seeing him hurt enough. I miss him. Terribly.

Mom has found a job and has settled into a nice routine. Of simply existing. She works. She plays her online game. That’s her life. Her and I don’t have the bestest of pasts, and it’s hard for me to muster sympathy, but I do feel sorry for her. My heart cracks when I think of what I would be like without MD. At least I’d have the kids to live for. To get up for. To get dressed for. To laugh for. She has nothing. I know I won’t like it, but I hope she finds someone to spend the rest of her life with. It was supposed to be dad, but if that’s not how it’s meant to be, then I hope ya’lls God will send her someone else to make life bearable.

I mean, not for awhile, but I figure it’s going to take some time to find someone else who can put up with her ass.

I took my second son to the doctor today. To an intake. Because it’s high time I stop pretending he can handle this ADHD on his own. Yeah, he has ADHD and yeah I believe it’s the reason for his trouble and yeah we’re going to medicate his ass to try and help his ass. If you don’t agree or don’t approve…. well, I don’t give two shits. He’s my kid, and he needs help. I’m just sad that I didn’t do this sooner. Like 10 years ago when they first said the little letters that have come to haunt us.

He wanted to go today. He wants to drive, and trust me people, that boy CANNOT FUCKING DRIVE the way things are right now. If it’s true what they say, and his thoughts change every four seconds, do you really want him behind the wheel of a car? I sure as hell don’t.

He wants to remember things. He wants to set himself up for a task and actually follow through. He wants to finish chores and stop getting chewed for forgetting shit. He wants to improve his grades. He wants the teachers to stop thinking he doesn’t give a shit. That he daydreams on purpose. That he fidgets like that because he’s bored.

I feel good about this. I feel like it’s time. Time for him to find out who he really is and what he can become. Rather excited for him. It might take awhile to find the right meds — believe me, I know it can take some time — but we’ve waited this long. We can hold out a bit longer.

I can tell I’m getting older … I just can’t sleep past 7am anymore. I’m excited to play bingo tonight with mom. My creaky body needs a massage just to get out of bed. Can’t hear. Can’t see. Joints on my right side throb in the rain. I bet it only gets better.

I actually updated without blowing shit up this time. Go me.

My 37th birthday is in 2 days. That really bites ass. Except that I got a Blackberry Pearl. That’s sweet. I won’t use the main features that make it a BLACKBERRY, but I’m just happy to have it. My new toy. I think I also get that other tattoo finally. Wish I could think of where to put it.

Back to hating Friday nights, with MD working at the volleyball place. He only works out there one day a week now though. And that’s more to play than anything. He can play all night for free. I still hate it.

My boss/friend is on vacation. My life is boring to the point of pain. There is either everything to do, or nothing to do. And nothing to do when you’re stuck in a cubicle is torture. Total torture. I’m not the kind to fuck around on the internet or play cards or balance my checkbook. I just want to work. And if I can’t do that, then I shouldn’t be there on the clock. Hopefully Monday will bring orders to process.

Damn, I’m tired all of sudden.

And thank you for the spyware/virus help. I tried them all, to no avail. Then my mom, of all people, tells me about SuperAntiSpyware – the free version, and I try it. 72 critters lurking. Malware, trojans, worms, you name it. It got rid of them all. I think. I haven’t had any problems since then, so I hope it fixed me.

Seriously, this program is awesome.

Partly cloudy skies early followed by a few rain or snow showers overnight.

Seriously. Seriously? Has anyone told this Mother Nature bitch that it’s May …. MAY??

Ok, I need help. Free spyware/antivirus programs? Other than AVG and Spybot? And housecall won’t work either. I have all kinds of bugs – thank you porn freak son. I hope your eyes cross and stay that way – for at least a few days.

It is taking over my system, and I cannot find a way to get rid of it. Are there any other good free programs out there? Or a really good one to buy? Help Help Help.