Have to get my son’s date’s corsage here in a bit. He’s working and won’t get off in time. Likely story. I also bought the sumbitch trying to be nice. He got el screwedo on the tux because he just let this hussy pick for him and didn’t ask questions. $156. For one night. This girl better be worth it. And I have a feeling she’s not. She picked the most expensive place in town to eat as well. Hussy. And they aren’t even dating. It’s not like …. well, I’m not going to say it because I’m the mother and that’s just wrong.

MD doesn’t have to work tomorrow. Something about not getting the insurance on him in time. That’s ok. That means we can go to the fights tonight. Some friend had tickets and we were afraid we couldn’t go because MD had to get up at 3am. Now we can go watch the cage matches and see some little guys get their heads kicked in. Not sure why, but I love that shit. And then the big guns will come out at the end, and that’s always pleasant to see. My husband’s friend works for the company that puts these things on, so the tickets are always fabulous. Again, not sure why, but I just love it.

Now I’m listening to soothing melodies, wondering where to begin. IF I’m to begin – filling you in. You being me later. And anyone else who happens to wander in.

My baby goes to his first prom tomorrow. Good gawd. I remember my proms. I’m glad my boy isn’t like me. Or his father. Not that he wouldn’t like to be, mind you. He just hasn’t had the opportunities to trash his reputation/further his reputation (whatever) yet. No girlfriends really to speak of. Which in turn means no dates. The boys hang out together instead of hanging out where the girls are. Strange.

I have MB2 getting ready to undergo testing again. His request this time. He’s trying to learn to drive, and it just isn’t working. His attention span lasts about 4 seconds, and that ain’t cool when you’re driving. Not at all. Especially for the screaming passengers. I want him on meds now. His grades have slipped to C’s. He can’t remember to do his chores when they’re stapled to his forehead. He can’t complete a sentence. He just needs help. Going it alone, med free was great while it lasted, but I really think it’s time for him to have some help. If it can calm his mind down like it has MB4’s body, I’d be in heaven.

Speaking of MB4, he’s doing great. Right combo of meds – and hopefully they will stay right for him. I know everyone changes and puberty could sweep in and fuck it all up, but I’m really hoping we only have to make minor changes.

Wee one still won’t potty train. Every trick I have in my book has been used and scoffed at. He simply isn’t ready. The sitter has tried her tricks, and she agrees. He just needs more time. I hope his kindergarten teacher doesn’t mind a diaper bag.

I dunno. Why don’t we write anymore Michelle? Blogging is all I used to think about. Still is, only it’s immediately followed by a downer feeling. Like I tell myself I don’t have time to sit and write it out, but it’s more that I don’t have the …. patience to try and find the words to say all that needs to be said. Like I can’t give the tale it’s due, so I take a pass. I’ve missed out on so much the last few months. Years? Has it been years since I wrote faithfully? Nah. Can’t be that long. How long has dad been gone? There was a buzz kill. Then there was guilt about not wanting to turn this blog into GriefCentral. Who wants to read doom and gloom all the time? Then again, who wants bipolar disorder and autism shoved down their throats?

Ice cream break…. More to follow. Maybe. Knowing me I’ll see you next month. Which is my birthmonth by the way. We’re at the point where you start to track backwards, so my 37 will become 35. I like how that works. I remember writing here once on my 31st birthday how I woke up feeling creaky or something about getting old. Now it’s 6 years later. Geezus. No wonder I’ve run out of things to say.

Found a cool toy. Musicovery.

MD is gone for 3 days. St Louis. Bleh.

MS and MS’s dh accepted a $1000 check for Volley for the Cure/Light the Night. Still feel bad about not doing the tournament. Think I’m going to have to do it next year.

Job still going well. Rather bored this past week though. My friend goes on vacation in two weeks. We’ll see how bored I am then.

I’ll be 37 in a few weeks. It sounds so harsh. All I want is another tattoo. Not too much to ask, eh? Actually I have my next two mapped out. Notice how I didn’t say last two. Heh. Guy is also going to fix this one. Make it purdy.

Time to get busy cleaning this house. What a mess.

Has anyone else in MO noticed that the forecast said it’s SUPPOSED TO FUCKING SNOW FRIDAY?

Geezus.

MS’ husband put our name (Volley for the Cure) into the pool with a bunch of other worthy causes at his job, and they picked us! Not sure how much yet, but it might be a couple thousand dollars! There are a few snags, like a form they need and how to present the ‘award’ in person and such, but hopefully that will all get worked out. Think good thoughts please!

Married 18 years today. Still love him more than life itself. Still infuriates me like no one else. Still the best father I know. Still working his ass off to get us by.

I was looking at our family pictures, and I realized that the album was a little empty. Then I realized that I was looking at 2007, and that I haven’t taken one picture this year. My camera recently died, but that doesn’t excuse the past few months.

And this blog. Empty, pathetic. What does that say?

This period in time will forever be When We Lost Dad. No other reasons. We Lost Dad and the world stopped. Only it didn’t. It kept going though we tried to stop it or at least slow it down so we could catch our breath and collect our thoughts. But it didn’t.

I don’t feel like taking pictures. I don’t feel like posting. I don’t feel like doing much of anything I used to enjoy. I’m sure that will all change, and life will once again bounce along happily. But I’m not there yet. I still get that punch in my gut when I see his picture or hear his name. A grand how-do-you-fucking-do. Please tell me that ends at some point.

But it’s springtime. And I want to stop this shit. Dad would not like us mooning around like this. I need to find a way to buy another camera and start forcing myself to take pictures again. Not like I’m some expert, but the kids will appreciate the pics later on. I think they will. I hope they will. I know I’ll appreciate them anyway.

Still alive. The broken record just claims to be busy. And I am. But I’m not right now. I should be. House is destroyed. Wish I made enough to hire some help. But alas, I do not. Does anyone really ever use that word?

Wee one is doing so much better. As long as he has the medicine in him, that is. I skipped it for two days, thinking he was better. Sniffles came back and the catch in his throat started up again. I have learned my lesson. Hope the appt comes along sooner than later. I know better though. Same place that evaluated MB4 all those years ago. Took 9 months to get in. Let’s hope it’s not that long for allergies.

We are planning to head to FL next March for MD’s sister’s wedding. And since my mom and sister had talked about having a huge family vacation, that’s exactly what we’re going to do. Renting a 15 passenger van, and toodling to FL. Renting a 16 sleeper house a few miles from Disney, and hitting four of the theme parks. Then a day at the beach, a day at the wedding, and you’ve got 14 people very happy people. The kids will hopefully never forget it. Just wish dad could be here.

Still not sure I’m dealing with this whole dad thing properly. Still stings to think about him, but then I just swish it away. No pain that way. I find myself feeling incredibly sorry for him that he died. That he’s not able to enjoy things. I feel guilty having a good time when he’s gone. I feel bad that he never really knew he was on his way out. A part of me found great comfort in that before. That he was oblivious to the fact he was dying. Now I wish he would have had time to wrap things up. I know he was strong enough to handle the weight of the news, but he would have liked to tied up loose ends.

Enough of that talk. Gah.

MD was offered a milk route. Local guy that picks up at the local farms. Big tanker truck. Lucky thing he keeps all those endorsements on his license. Pays $240 a day. Not bad. Wish he’d hurry up and start already. It’s only a couple days a month. More if he has it. Might take the place of the volleyball biz. Maybe. Doubtful. He loves it too much.

Not going to do the tournament this year, but I’m still walking. I know I won’t raise as much money this year, but that’s ok. I still want to walk. I didn’t think I did, but dad would want us to. My godmother’s daughter was also recently diagnosed with breast cancer, and while that isn’t a blood cancer, it’s all same. Find a cure for one, you find the key to the rest. She’s probably not going to make it. That’s awful to say. I hope she does. It doesn’t look good. She’s so young. Her baby is so young. It just doesn’t make sense that we haven’t found a cure for this shit yet. Just another reason to do something. Donate money or time or your computer. Walk. Hold fund raisers. Do something. We must all do something. We have to do something. It will affect you or someone you love at some point. No one is safe.

And another thing – you must be diligent in protecting yourself. Get your mammograms. Get your pap tests. Get those prostrate checks. Have a colonoscopy – it’s not as bad as you think. Early detection is key. It’s VITAL. The point at which they find the cancer will do more to decide whether you live or die than anything else. How silly to put things off when you think of it that way.

Ok, now I must get up and actually get some work done. Hope this finds all my friends well. Drop me a line and give me an update. I’m not getting around to read as much as I used to.