I am done with Topamax. Aside from the headaches I’m still having, I’ve developed this problem with food that is bordering on dangerous. Makes me sick to smell it, I don’t like the taste – of any food, and if I try to force myself to eat, my body makes it known that I will be sorry. I’m not sure when it started. Guess it’s been happening so slowly that I didn’t notice. Well I’m noticing now. Now my hands are shaking because I haven’t eaten in I don’t know how long. Bites here and there. Nothing more. MD ran and bought me a pie last night to see if I could eat any, and I managed a small slice, but I was very miserable afterward. My insides feel like they’re trembling. Light-headed. Dizzy. Helluva way to live. I’ve been trying to munch on as much shit as I can to keep my energy up, cause gawd knows I don’t have any.

It was MD who pointed out that it was probably the Topamax, because he remembered me saying how it was supposed to make you skinny and stupid. And it’s sure trying to do both. I looked it up and it can cause you to lose your appetite, change the taste of your food, and then it simply says weight loss. Check Check Check.

Yeah, I’m done with that shit. She was looking to raise my dose in April too?

——

OMG – waiting on a freecycler and she shows up just now and sticks a fucking candle under my nose. Says it’s a gift for being so hard to work with. Thanks for the migraine, bitch.

Didn’t get the fill yet because he had a death in the family, but I am now armed with several ideas thanks to you and others here in my real life. Not sure which way I’m going yet, but I figure if I have a few colors that I would be happy with, then I could ask his opinion and see some work and then if something gets nixed, I won’t be upset.

——–

MB1 didn’t pass his driving test. He was way too nervous. I felt so sorry for him. But, he was the 3th one of his friends to take it, and the 3th one to fail. At least he’s following suit. Most of it was awkward driving. He just needs to get comfortable behind the wheel. He stopped when merging. Ouch. He stops because he has a tendency to jump lanes when he looks over his shoulder and he didn’t want to do that in front of her. He bumped a stick on the parallel park. He didn’t use his turn signals either. He didn’t look over his shoulders either – only mirrors. Just lots of shit he knew better than to do. They test again next Monday, so I guess we hit the streets every day every day every day, and I get my head examined for not rejoicing over the fact that he’s not at school right now in my car.

Starting to panic. Tomorrow I get this bitch filled in, and I still haven’t decided on a color. Going to have this for the rest of my life. I find something wrong with everything I pick. Too girly. Too butch. Too ugly. Too hell no. Too wild. Too not me. Too clashy.

What the fuck am I going to do?

I thought I had it narrowed down to teal or peach. But this morning I’m even second guessing those. I’m fucked.

Any thoughts? Has to be ‘mine’, so a lot of colors are out based on that alone – purple being the main one everyone jumps to for some fucked up reason.

I haven’t given yellow a lot of thought. Sun. Yellow. Yeah, no trouble there, but would I want yellow on me for the rest of my life. I find myself intrigued….

OMG I am going to explode.

I only do maintenance on one site now. And it’s mainly as a favor to my mom. Takes about 5 minutes of my time every 3 months and it’s $50. Not bad. But today. Omg. Well, hell, not today. The past 3 weeks. She has been trying to get the site moved. But the morons she chose to host her can’t get their shit together. He sent me a link to her new domain and her login info and said – there you go! I called him and said here I go what? What do you want me to do with this? I need the link to the control panel, whichever you use. No, that’s it. That’s what he said. Like I was supposed to stand outside of an empty site and will it to open for me. I couldn’t get the FTP to work either. Fucking idiot. So then a buddy of his finally tells him that I need INSIDE to PUT THE FUCKING INFORMATION up, and he has to ask some mystery guy. 2 weeks later I get a link to some jacked up look control panel. It’s not really a control panel – it’s cobalt. ?? Heard of it? I haven’t. It’s ugly. It does nothing I need it to, so I ask why the FTP doesn’t work. Well, their FTP uses www. not ftp. – ok, whatever.

I get the site loaded. Still doesn’t work. Call the assmunch again, who tells me that I did it wrong to the wrong file. I sent it to user and I should have uploaded to web. I told him the only options were web private and trash and I’ve been doing this for a lot of fucking years and I’m not likely to do it wrong, but that I was seriously starting to worry if he saw a user file in front of him.

THEN THEN THEN THEN he tells me that I need to go in and change all my files to html. Right now they are php. He said he changed a few but he doesn’t have time to change them all – !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCKING HELL DID YOU JUST SAY???????????? OMGOMGOMG I have 3 dynamic menus set up on this site all tied in to every page and for him to fuck with even one ——— gawd. I tried to explain this to him, but it was like talking to a fucking chimp. He told me that they had to have html, and I said that I say in the admin that php was enabled, and he said huh, and I said I thought that meant I could use them because if not, then we are outta here because her site is a monster and I am NOT recoding it. NOTNOTNOT. He said he would talk to mystery man and get back with me.

I want to choke someone. I really do.

Lots going on, but nothing really happening. I got sick with a mild case of the somethings. Too mild to be the flu. Only last 2-3 days. Very low fever, shakes, dizzy, and an absolute mind splitting headache. Just as powerful as a migraine, maybe worse since the meds didn’t work to stop it. Even went for a shot and that didn’t work. Spent three days in hell. Finally let up yesterday.

Winter is packing its bags and I’m so fucking happy I could do a stupid dance. I know spring isn’t awake yet, but that’ll happen soon enough. It was 60 the other day, and you can pretend that it’s spring when it’s 60.

The two older boys have a youth event this weekend. They’ll be leaving from school today at 1 and won’t be home until Sunday night. MB3 is spending the night with friend #1 tonight, has bday party #1 and bday party #2 tomorrow, and then will spend the night with friend #2 tomorrow night. So it’ll just be us and the little ones all weekend. Whatever will we do…..

MD is taking next Friday off. He never does that. We should do something productive like work on the house. Maybe paint. We’ll probably play games or watch movies or go shopping with pretend money. Anything we do is fine though. Just glad that he’ll be off that day. Damn, how thankful will I be for a real vacation? Those two weeks he has coming seem like an impossible dream. He’ll never have anyone trained enough to be able to take off for that long. His boss needs to hire someone first.

OK, time to get a move on. Enjoy your weekend. Heyyy…… it’s tattoo weekend! I forgot!

And let me just say that this bitch hurt. I won’t lie. I have a pretty high pain thresh hold, and it tore me up. BUT – only in certain spots. When he first started, it was fine. Wasn’t the best feeling in the world, but it wasn’t anything to cry about. Then he moved and I wanted him dead. Then he moved again and I wanted him to live again. Then he moved and I wanted his whole family to rot in hell. And the whole time I had to sit there and have a pleasant conversation with my friend so that she wouldn’t know I was being hacked to pieces or else SHE wouldn’t go through with her tattoo after mine. And there was no way in hell I was the only one being treated to that fucking agony that day.

Mine took about 20 minutes. I actually took him that picture of the guardian angel I wanted, then said that I really wanted a tribal sun but couldn’t find one I wanted. He said to look around. I happened to glance at the back of one of his magazines, and there was this teeny tiny sun that only had 4 points and the rays were wrong, but he said no problem. I said – so you can whip something up that I’d like? And he tapped his head and pointed to a sign on the wall that said freehand shop. Being an idiot, I needed more. Guess this means you don’t get that nifty Miami Ink transfer body sheet or whatever the hell it is. They don’t do anything. He just ….. does it. He just said ok, took about 20 minutes to get set up, then drew it on me with a special pen. It was perfect. I was pretty impressed. I know mine was simple, but he also kicked it out like he was tying his shoe.

My friend? She got the little logo from the best friends animal place in utah. Fits her perfectly, is a cute tattoo, and took about 3 minutes. She didn’t handle it very well though. Think the whole thing got to her. She’ll be ok next week. He said the fill is nothing compared to the outline. Hope he’s not lying. I can sit there and silently cuss him again, but I’m worried about her.

—

I wanted a 6 pointed sun – a ray for each kiddo. MD suggest finding symbols for mother and father and placing them above and below the sun later. That way I could get a tattoo for him, like I wanted, but in a benign enough way so that if he ditches my ass I won’t have to have skin removed to get him off of me. Having a father symbol won’t bug me because he’ll always be their father. Then again, this assumes I’m sitting in the torture chair again. I need to research areas that don’t hurt so damn bad. My sister said her shoulder didn’t hurt at all. Just not sure I could put one there and not have one done on the other side that same day so I wouldn’t be lop-sided.

Hi, I’m Angie and I think I’m OCD.

My baby’s 16 today, and if it wasn’t for the holiday, he’d be getting his license today. Because fortune is smiling down upon me, the testing office for the kids is only open on Mondays, so he has to wait another week. Another week of him not on the road. Should be happy birthday town.

And when the hell did I get old enough to have a 16 year old?

It’s not done yet, so that’s why it looks a bit off. I’m having this one done in color, and the one I saw in the book was in black, so I hope it still looks as nice. It should. He said it will. It’s not as big as it looks in the photo. My kids would shoot me if it was.

Guess what I did today?

No fat juicy tumors. She still had that damn ratty purse. It had a busted out seam on one side. I really want to send her a new one. Just not sure I could afford to buy a doctor a new purse. Hell, she’s a doctor and she can’t even afford to buy herself a new purse.

She made me sit there and look through 232 brain images. Yeah, fun. Gross. No problems of any kind. No bleeds, no tumors, no aneur… you finish spelling it, no fluid pockets, no strokes, no nothing. Then she said, “I’m so glad your head is ok.” And I said, “me too.”

Then we talk about the headaches and the topamax dosage and 10 minutes later she tells me that she’s glad that I’m going to be ok. And I start to get creeped out. And I say thanks. Then she gives my reflexes a test and listens to my lungs – and says it again. Then she types out some things for my chart – and says it again.

Now MD and MS and my mom have all since reminded me that her job is to pass out news to people every day – and sometimes it’s all clear, and sometimes it’s big fat juicy tumor. I guess after awhile she would start to be thankful of the all clear ones as well.

But she’s still in need of a new purse.

I go in today to find out the results of my MRI. Let no bad happen. That’s when I also tell her that so far I guess this topamax is doing ok. Real test will come next year when the next batch of daily bitches come to play again.

Dad is watching the little ones for me. He’s excited about it. I hope they don’t run him crazy.

No need to worry. Things are just fine.

I’ve sat down to type out a post a hundred times, but I just end up erasing it. What do I write about? My dead plants? MD working late? The fact that I’ll very possibly be depressed the rest of my life? Who wants to read that shit? No one.

So, I say nothing and hope things are well with you.

Ok. Back to my hole to wish I’d never gone to the fucking doctor two years ago.

No fevers today. Few naps though. Overall, a good day. I would like to credit the medicine, but they keep throwing it up every time I give it to them.

Wee one tested positive for influenza. MG was negative, even though her symptoms are worse. They are still treating them both the same though, in fact, they want us ALL treated. Which means …. ohhhh .. about $800 including the doc visits and the meds for everyone. $500 would be taken care of by our health care account – I THINK, if there’s anything left in there after the MRIs and XRays. But the $320 would be ours to pay now for the meds. For the just in case meds. Do I spend $300 to make sure my family doesn’t get the flu? Doesn’t that seem a little extreme? Umm, I remember spending all week on the couch with the flu, and it didn’t kill me. I don’t know what to do. That’s a lot of money to spend on a virus that we may or may not get. I’ll talk to MD about it when he gets home.

I really love my doctor. I called her and she said to play around with the risperdal first to see if a smaller dose would help out with the depression without messing with me sexually. If so, great, she’ll call more in. If not, fine, she’ll call something else in for me to try. Said she trusts me to do this without seeing me as long as I’m ok with it. I don’t see her again until April. I’m thrilled to death.

—

MB1 has been cleared of his scoliosis. Less than 10 degrees. Whatever that means. MB3’s spine is straight as an arrow, but his right side sags, and since he’s still growing, it could pull things out of alignment. Uh. Oh. Ok. Sure. Great. He’ll now be checked every 6 months like MB1 was. It’s always something. Expensive.

—

Had my MRI this morning. Thanks for telling me it’d be 45 minutes trapped in a tomb. Never doing that shit again. It took everything I had to hold it together. Guess I’ll find out the results on the 15th. Let’s all pray for no juicy tumors.

—

Kids are pretty sick. MB4 was home from school all week. He just went back to school today. After we did 34 sheets of homework that the teacher gave us. That was due today. What a peach she is. Only took 3 hours last night.

MG has had one helluva fever the past two days. The wee one just lays around. Yesterday started at 3:30am with 104.8 temp on MG. Has been non-stop fun ever since. I can’t keep the damn temps down for long – on her or MB5. Taking them to the doc today at 1pm. They are passing my 3 day sick rule, and the temps are just way too high.

MD had an MRI this morning on his rotator cuff. I have an MRI tomorrow on my head. It’s the first week of February and that health care account is looking mighty rough.

—-

It’s sad when 30 degrees feels balmy.

—-

MB1 and MB3 both have scoliosis checks today. Man, the genetics in this family, eh?

—-

Finally got MB4’s evaluation scheduled for the end of March. It’s about fucking time. They were waiting for me to call them to see if my insurance was ok with it. Would have been nice to know that. Bitches.

—-

Going to have to seriously make a choice here about what’s more important. Sexual health or mental health. What a crock of shit to have to decide. Honestly makes me want to cry.

Michelle posted this a day or two ago, and I’ve found the answers interesting. Thought I’d pop the questions up over here to get some more answers.

——

How much sex should a married couple expect to have?

How much is too much to ask of your partner in a given week?

If one person has an extremely low sex drive, is it wrong of the other person to expect that person to get it checked out by a doctor?

What do you consider a low sex drive- only interested once a week, once a month, once every so often, once a year? What?

What do you consider an abnormally high sex drive- several times a day, daily, several times a week, weekly.. what?

Thanks to anyone who answers this poll.

Lots going on here. Notice the hair. Notice the little pink dots on her lobes. And finally, feast your eyeballs on those gorgeous works of art they did at that pottery place. Her butterfly. His fish.

The only tears shed today were mine when her hair fell to the ground. She quivered a bit when her ears were done, but held it together. They did them both at the same time, thank gawd.

MD wants me to take the wee one and MG in for haircuts today. I usually give the haircuts in the family. Wonder if he’s trying to tell me something. Although the wee one was my idea. I almost stabbed him in the eye the last time because he moves so damn much. Other kids weren’t like that. Give them a sucker and they’d watch cartoons. He has to move constantly. Let someone else worry about it. But MG? I don’t even know what to have done to her hair. She needs a ’style’, but what? This girl thing is harder than I thought.

And, she wants her ears pierced. Her cousin just got hers done, and MG claims to be ready. I explained what happens, the pain, the turning, the whole nine yards – she still wants it done. I don’t know. Still thinking about that one. Maybe it’s because I wasn’t allowed to have mine done until I was much older.

Actually took the kids yesterday to that pottery place. Yay me. I stayed even though we were the only ones there. I felt like a tool. There was no story time, even though she ASKED if we were THERE for story time. She then pointed to a shelf of figures they could paint, helped us with the paint, and walked away. Not that I minded, but MG did. She wanted this damn thing to last a long time, and we were done in 20 minutes. They both had fun though. Wee one did a really good job. I guess it didn’t kill me. I guess we might be able to afford $10 every so often. I guess I could take them again. The lady wasn’t rude, it just wasn’t what I expected.

—-

Wee one may catch up with his speech after all. Maybe. He still slurs right over the middle of each word, but at least he’s trying to say things now. He tries really hard and goes so slow for us. Like we’re idiots. He’s cute.

—-

I want another baby. I’ll never have one, so there’s no harm in saying it. Still makes me very sad that we’ll never have another. Then again, I have less than a year left of changing shitty ass. I BETTER have less than a year left of shitty ass.

—-

My sister in school means she’s not at home during the day anymore. What a drag.

—-

Alright. Time to get busy. Toilets don’t clean themselves.