Guess I’m spending New Year’s alone. MD flight was all fucked up and he’s not coming in until tomorrow morning. Early morning, which means I have to get up at the ass crack of dawn to get the little ones ready. It’s an hour drive, plus the lovely airport parking and walking and walking and walking. Actually, it’s not that bad in KC. Well, it wasn’t. Haven’t been there in awhile. So, I guess I’ll go to bed early. Pathetic.

Just called a friend. She’s not home. Why would she be. She’s single and is probably shit faced right about now. I don’t even feel like drinking. Not that I should. I mean it’s not that I can’t… oh whatever. I take 400 pills and it ain’t smart to drink. There.

One of our anniversaries is tomorrow. 7 years. The other will be in April. 17 years. Time flies and all that jazz. At least …. nope, I ain’t gonna say it. The minute I do something will fuck up.

Maybe I’ll take a bath. Kids are in bed. I could actually stay in there more than 3 minutes. I could shave. Wow. MD might actually get to have sex with a girl for a change instead of Chewbacca. I don’t know how to spell that, and I’ll be damned if I look it up. OH WELL FUCK OK I’LL LOOK IT UP. Good, I spelled it right.

My dad has another line infection. They want him in the hospital and he said no. So now he goes for 3 hours every day to get antibiotics pumped into him. I can’t imagine his life. He’s so pissed at them for …… well, installing the groshong line instead of the ….. is it the hickman? The Hickman has a MUCH lower chance of infection. I guess the groshong company gave away better coffee mugs.

Ok, bath time.

May your new year shine.

It’s not that I don’t have plenty of material in my life, it’s just that I rarely sit down at the puter anymore.

I could have posted that MD has been in FL the past few days visiting his family. Or maybe I did and can’t remember. It was there that he wanted to show them the photo album, but couldn’t think of it. Then he remembered that I had a link on MM. Yeah, you see where this is going. He hopped on, hopped over, but his sister must have checked the history. Hi MD’s sister.

Now, it’s not that I don’t like his sister. And it’s not like I talk trash about his family. But this is a journal, and although I have it posted wipe open on the internet, it still feels very private to me. I wouldn’t spill these thoughts in normal conversation. I don’t want people from my everyday life reading them unless I’m the one doing the inviting. I would probably feel very uncomfortable if I ever met anyone in real life who had read MM, because they would have seen the more intimate side of my life.

But since I don’t talk shit about his family, and I’m not one to really give a shit what people think, maybe I can continue on. Will try anyway.

~~~~~~

MD comes home in a few hours. I’ve missed him terribly. I hate it when he’s gone. I’m like some loser who can’t function. I went to bed early to make the days pass quickly. How sad is that.

Fuck it. Why do I give a shit anyway? I’ll give it a go and see how it is posting knowing that certain people are reading. If I can do it, fine. If I can’t, fine. I have a place in mind if I need to bail. A couple, actually. I just don’t want to. I was about to buy one, and it really made me sad to have to walk away from here. I just don’t think I can do it. Like I said before, I have a feeling the only way I’m getting outta here is by switching to grumpygranny.

4 years here. Wow. That’s a long damn time. I’m so very thankful to have had a place to document my life – good and bad. I don’t talk to Nancy anymore, but I will forever be gratefu lto her for giving me my first blog. I’ve grown to love it ‘here’. If a spot on the internet can feel like home, this does.

Having said that, I haven’t completely decided what I’m doing yet. As much as I’m leaning toward shuttin’ her down, I know I’ll miss it the second I do. I do know the archives are gone. They simply cause me too much stress. I know they shouldn’t. I know it should be mine and fuck ‘em if they can’t take it. But it’s not now. Things have changed and I have no idea where the rolling snowball is going to end up. People are reading now that weren’t reading before – hello to you. I don’t mind, but at the same time, these people weren’t exactly invited, and it makes it feel like uninvited company at your house. And then them asking to use your bathroom and you just know you have bras hanging up and there’s little boy piss on the seat. I feel very vulnerable right now. I can’t remember what I wrote yesterday, let alone a few weeks ago. A few months ago. I don’t want to have to remember if I mentioned someone that might offend or piss them off. I don’t care to censor myself like that. I fucking hate even discussing it now.

I honestly thought I might feel this way with my sister reading after awhile, but I haven’t yet. I find that anything I’m about to write I’ve already told her about anyway. She probably finds all this even more boring than the rest of you. And you, you MD. You live this life with me, but I know it’s much different reading it like this. I thought I’d bail by now and try to find somewhere secret to hide – but I haven’t. I’m finding I don’t care that you’re here either. I guess it’s because I’m not the kind of person who has anything to hide. And whoa isn’t my life something straight out of the movies anyway. Nothing but drama and excitement here. Oh boy.

Even so, unexpected people make me nervous. But, I knew it might happen one day. That someone might slip up and mention it to someone. Or that someone might ‘find’ it. Accidents happen.

I haven’t figured out what I’m doing yet, but it’s not like I’ve been kicking out the posts lately anyway. So to the 5 of you left reading, I’ll figure it out soon enough.

[Edited to add that I'm not talking about any of you. I'm not calling you 'uninvited'. I'm talking about a particular person who found me the other day. A person that I know. That's why it's so uncomfortable for me.]

Woke up yesterday depressed about everything. Sad about MB1’s 16th birthday coming up. Sad about MD being gone. Sad about my house being destroyed from the holidays. Sad that the holidays are over. Sad that I had a dream that MD and I were drifting apart again. Sad that I bought the wrong hair dye and turned my shit fire red.

We’re talking A LOT depressed. Not just down. So I figured not taking the pills was working quicker this time. First time I made it 11 days before I was so depressed I couldn’t get out of bed. Second time I made it 10 days. This time I made it …… 2? 3? Can’t remember. I must really be depressed ‘normally’. I believe that, considering how much this dad business is affecting me ON the pills. I doubt I’d be functioning without them.

I found myself yelling at MB4 about something that wasn’t his fault, and he has been such an angel lately – [omg, if you have an aggressive autistic child you really should give Risperdal a shot ] – he left the room and I cleaned up the mess that MB5 had made (that I had yelled at MB4 for), and I started to calm down and realize that it wasn’t MB4, it was the lack of pills. I must have cleaned up for about 10 minutes, then I was met by MB5 in the hallway, who was crying and saying sorry. Considering the wee one still has a ways to go in terms of communication, it just crushed me to hear that new word of his. I bent down and he squeezed me and I held him until he stopped crying. Then I took him into my room and told him no more messing with mommy’s things. Then he was fine. So I went into the kitchen, and there was MB4. Standing there the whole time waiting, because he gets confused easily, and he wasn’t sure why he was in trouble for what MB5 did because it never dawned on him to tell me what was going on or stop him for me. And really it’s not his job, and with a calm head, I know that. But with a non-medicated head, it’s very hard to think clearly like that.

So I see him and tell him that I am sorry immediately, and he starts crying. I tell him to come here and he comes over and hugs me. I explained why I was angry and why I shouldn’t have gotten mad at him and how come I expected him to kind of keep an eye on MB5 while they were playing in my room. He said it wasn’t fair because he doesn’t know these things, and I agreed. I told him that I should explain more to him. He seem satisfied with that, so he went off to play.

And I took my pills. The motrin didn’t touch the headache anyway. Neither does the new stuff she called in. So, I’m cutting the old ones in half and taking them with a handful of crackers. So far so good.

I don’t know what it is with the two oldest boys, but they have liked the same girl the past three times. The first time, they both did nothing. The last time, MB1 laid off because he knew that MB2 also liked her – but then MB2 never made a move, and now she’s with a friend of theirs.

This time, gawd. This time is such a mess. They were both invited to a party at MB1’s friend’s house. Since it was a birthday party for his friend, I let MB1 go, but not MB2, since he hadn’t told me about his invite and my family was coming in that night. He knew his cousin would be here, yet like a dolt, he assumed he could go party it up. Not. Especially when he only knows this kid through MB1. MB1’s lucky he got to go, given how close it was to “family time”. No one fucks with the family time.

But I guess MB2 was planning on asking out a girl at the party. She’s from their Youth, and was also invited. Since his mother was a bitch and didn’t let him go, his brother asked her to the movies. She accepted. When Mb1 found out that MB2 liked her, he was upset. He felt bad, even though he didn’t know when he asked her. MB2 thought he did, and was pissed at the world. Especially at me.

Now, MB1 doesn’t talk to this girl normally, but MB2 does. He talks to her every night on IM. Her parents ended up going out of town this week, so she told MB2 to tell MB1 that she couldn’t go because she wouldn’t be here. Fine. But then she asked MB2 if he liked her, and he said yes. She said she liked him too, and from then on – they were ‘in a relationship‘. That’s what MB1 saw when he went to MB2’s MySpace – then he went to this girl’s, and saw the same thing. MB2 had only told him that she couldn’t go out on Friday – not that they were now dating. He was crushed. He came upstairs to tell me what had happened. I felt so bad for him.

Later on, MB2 came upstairs, and I started asking him what had happened, etc. MD heard, and hit the fucking roof. How family doesn’t do that to family, and how brothers look out for brothers and don’t stab them in back and everything else you can think of. At the time, we didn’t know the whole story, and assumed that MB2 had directly asked this girl out and had broken up the date. We also didn’t know that he would have asked her out first had I let him go to the party. This all came out over the course of the next hour or two.

MD finally calmed down a bit, and we talked to MB2 for a long while. MD stressed that he simply wants them to think of their family first when doing anything. I think MB2 got it. Still didn’t help the situation. What was done was done.

MB2 has since explained and apologized to MB1, and MB1 has been really awesome about the whole thing. But it still hurts him. They were talking on the phone and he pointed and said – that hurts. I told him any girl that would jump brother to brother like that might not be worth it anyway.

Well, maybe. I remember a very nice girl that like dating brothers and best friends. And she’s a respectful mother of 6 now. 5 of whom are boys, which is her punishment for destroying the lives of so many boys in her youth. Gawd. This girl is trouble.

There has got to be a better way. I’ve stopped taking my pills again so that I may take motrin to try and kill this bitch of a headache. I don’t know why it won’t leave me alone. It’s been 6 months now. 6 Months of almost a daily headache. I know it’s not a rebound, because I keep switching meds. I’ve kept track of everything in my life that I can think of. I’m done trying. That’ll be the doc’s job on the 29th. Of Jan. Gawd.

Hopefully I can kick this fucker quickly and can get back to my pills. I’m rather nervous being off of them.

Tree is already gone. I know, how incredibly shitty. But since we are the family of forget-to-water’s, the damn thing was downright dangerous. We had to wear gloves to take the ornaments off. Was too painful otherwise.

I’m so tired of having a headache every day.

I was supposed to have an appt today with the pdoc, but I’m not going. I don’t feel comfortable leaving all the kids for that long – about 5 hours since it’s in KC. If I had a place for the little ones, the older ones would be fine. But I don’t. So I’m postponing it. I have plenty of meds anyway.

I cleaned this house like nobody’s business yesterday. Not sure what that means, but I did. Closets, toy boxes, fridge, 4 loads of laundry – and about 10 to go. I fucking hate laundry. Pay ya a $1 to do it for me. No takers? Odd.

Again, I’m so tired of having a headache everyday. If I don’t ‘treat’ it, it will roll right on in to a nasty sumbitch. Haven’t had a big one since she called in a prescription for me. She actually had to call in something else since the first one makes me sick. Very sick. Kills the headache though.

Hope everyone had a wonderful holiday. Ours was great. Sort of. Everyone got what they wanted, but it was hard keeping in spirit. My mind wanted to keep reminding me of the morbid side of things. How this was probably dad’s last Christmas. How at the Christmas party it was the last time most of them would ever see him. How they were the last gifts he would ever buy us. How it was the last meal I’ll ever cook for him. I don’t know any of these things for certain, but no matter what I tried, I couldn’t shut it off. It’s hard to have a good time when these thoughts won’t stop.

It was a good day though. So if it has to be the last one, then at least it’ll be a good one to remember.

I really like this:

But I don’t know where to put it. I want my first tattoo to be on the back of my neck, but I thought I wanted that to be a sun. A white sun. Now I’m not so sure. I can’t find one that I like.

That above is a guardian angel. I really like it. Really Really like it. But where would I get the sun then? I wanted a 6 pointed tribal sun – point for each kiddo. Where would I put that? Maybe sun still on my neck and angel on my back? I’m thinking the infinity symbol sideways on my lower back for dad. I’d like a tribal flower on my foot with the stem wrapped around a toe a couple of times. Maybe an arm band. Still thinking about that one.

Can’t wait to get started. Should get the first one in February unless he works for that guy a few more times.

I just want to thump them. MB1 & MB2. They each had plans last night, and I thought that would last them until after the holidays. Nope. I’ve been reminded that MB1 has a birthday party to go to tonight, and that MB2 is invited as well. Well isn’t that great, except that my sister will be here any minute with her kids – mainly, MoodyNephew1 who is the same age as MB2. What the fuck will he do while both MB1 and MB2 aren’t here? I’ve let it be known how disgusted I am. Haven’t decided if I’m going to put my foot down and not let MB2 go. It isn’t his friend anydamnway. MB1 will be spending the night too. Nice.

They sure know how to put me in a foul mood.

I was going to tell everyone to have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, and if ya didn’t like it you could spread my asscheeks and smooch my pink eye…….. but Nicole sent me this instead:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere . Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting these greetings, you are accepting the aforementioned terms as stated. This greeting is not subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself/himself/others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Guess you could still smooch the pink eye if you want.

One of MD’s venders sent some Omaha steaks, and I had planned on fixing them tonight. Then MB2 split to a concert and then all night at his friend’s house, and now MB3 is bailing to his friend’s house. There was going to be extra steak anyway, and now it’ll be ridiculous. I’m letting MB1 have a friend over to help eat. Anyone like KC Strip? Marinated. Yum.

~~~

Think I’m having a hard time with money lately. As in, I like to spend it. I’m usually very tight, but lately I’ve felt the need to get out and spend like there’s no tomorrow. That might indicate a bit of an up cycle, except I’ve got nothing else. I’m not depressed, no. But I’m not swinging from the ceiling either. ANyway, it’s not like I’m buying things that are off the wall. We will use what I’ve bought, it’s just the urgency I felt to buy them. I need to get a job just to support my thrift store habit. But damn, where else can you go and outfit your daughter for a week and only spend $7? Exactly.

~~~

I’m eating like a cow too. No, really. Like I”ll stand up in the kitchen and stuff my face like the food is being cut off forever. Guess I’ll use a resolution on that one.

~~~

Did I say fuck in this post? I have to work on that. I’m going soft.

It may seem like I’m writing a lot of posts, but really I’m not. This pain pill is. It’s making me chattyfuckingcathy. Kind of annoying, actually. I should get the hell outta this chair and clean something.

Nah.

I went to the doctor the other day to beg for more Midrin. Needed some to last me until I see the head doc on the 29th of Jan. She isn’t sure if I can take Midrin anymore. She’s not sure if I can take anything she used to give me before. So, she gave me some yummy pain pills. ‘Cause she’s cool like that. Gave me a big bottle too. To last a month. ‘Cause she’s cool like that. Sure beats a shot in the ass. My buttcheeks have gone on strike.

I’m wearing earrings. I know, big fucking deal. But I haven’t been able to wear them for over 10 years. All of a sudden, I developed some rash or allergy to earrings. I have tried everything over the years – except white gold. I bought some white gold hoops the other day, and I haven’t had to take them out yet. I’m so incredibly thrilled. Except with the price. It’s going to cost a small fortune to buy a few pairs. Small fortune for us anyway. We po. I’m good with the hoops for now. I’m just happy to be wearing something.

MoodySister will be here tomorrow. Kids are out of school today. Calendar has us inching closer and closer to TheBestDayEver. Seriously, these kids should remember this Christmas for a long time. It should stand out in their minds as one of the best ever. And all because I took the budget and shot fucking holes in it. Who needs to eat, right?

Kids get out around noon, and I know their tummies have to be jumping up and down by now. This was always the best time for me. Few days before Christmas when the excitement was almost in a frenzied state. There was almost always snow on the ground when I was little, so building forts was a fantastic way to pass the time. If we stopped, then the whirling motion in our stomach would start up again, and it’d be impossible to think of anything but Christmas. If we were lucky, we’d have a family Christmas early, and we’d get a present to unwrap. That would help ease the belly tension. Even a shitty gift would help.

My cousin asked to host Christmas this year, so I don’t get to. I know I should share, but I’m really not happy about it. At all. Our family is extremely picky, and how do I know that she’s going to have normal food for us to eat? I don’t. The family want to do an ornament exchange this year because it’s easy, cute, and the kids still get to unwrap something. But she’s not doing it this year. Instead we’re playing bingo. For cheap and shitty prizes. Yay. My family is not a bingo family. They are a drinking and talking and laughing family. I will not be a bitch, regardless of how it may sound. I’ll play games and have the kids play games. And I’ll try to keep the other boys occupied as best I can………which is another reason I like to host. I can pretty much guarantee that I have something to do for damn near every age group. And since I have 6 kids, I should be able to host the family functions so that my brood has something to do. Which means the entire group of kids has something to do. And I don’t have to worry about my kids breaking anything, because my house is completely kid-proof. Now I have to worry about my kids breaking something of hers.

Sounds like I’m whining, eh? I am. But I’ll stop now.
‘Cause Christmas ain’t about bitchin’.

My 4 year anniversary is coming up. Maybe I should celebrate by closing shop. Not hard to see that I’m not exactly whippping out the posts anymore. Maybe by announcing out loud that I’m thinking of shutting down, the words will suddenly appear like they normally do when someone talks about quitting. Or…. maybe they won’t, and maybe I’ll just really quit. Nothing is decided yet. I just want to write, and if I can’t, then this place is just a painful reminder as to what I’ve lost – what I’ve given up, by taking these pills. And since stopping my pills isn’t an option, my rut isn’t likely to change. I hope something happens, because MM is very special to me. So are the people who come here.

My sister will be here in two days. The boys are incredibly excited. I’m still having a hard time getting into the swing of things, but regardless of where I am spirit-wise, Christmas will come all the same. And it should be a great year for the kids. I can’t wait to see their faces. MD has been helping his other boss repair a few scooters, and then gave us one. This is a nice little machine too. It has a seat and brakes and turn signals and a dashboard and a compartment. We’ve decided to give it to MB3 for Christmas. He is going to shit his pants. This poor kids always gets the big shaft when it comes to presents. Either he doesn’t really want anything, or what he wants isn’t what he thought it would be – so as a result, his Christmas…es ? usually suck. This year he is getting the scooter, plus a whole shitload of things I know he really wants – like a cell phone. And that blueman group percussion toy, and some skateboarder shoes and clothes. Again, I cannot wait to see his face.

The other kids too. Everyone should be freaking the fuck out that day. Not saying much more in case some smarty pants read this. I don’t think they do, but you never know. I guess a sure fire way of finding out would be to talk about their stages of puberty and see if they come a-runnin’ when I discuss their pubes.

Dad has been doing better – but he’s not taking the valium anymore. Glad to know it was the pill, and not the cancer that was causing him to be confusion and extremely sleepy. They said his hole is healing nicely. Gag. They can’t do chemo until it’s closed. They’ve set a tentative date for two weeks from now. We’ll see if he can keep it.

I can’t keep on with the headaches like this. Another shot this weekend. And a headache to greet me when I woke up. Nice. Still can’t shake it either. Although it’s hard to run off a migraine with Tylenol. Might as well shake my ass and taunt it to kill me. I might have to stop taking the pills for awhile so I can take something that actually kills it. It’s ridiculous to sit here and suffer when there are bottles in the cabinet right now with Relief written on them. I don’t want to stop taking the pills, but it’s not like I won’t trust myself to go back on them when the headaches are under control. I don’t know. We’ll see.

Something is keeping me going, even when I feel like shutting down. It’s strange to actually feel the pills carrying you through a slump. I’ve actually stood there in amazement as my hands started a chore I had no intention of doing. And finish it. Guess that’s what I take them for.

MD is at work today at his second job. The one that pays more in a day than I could make in month, after paying daycare. That blows. He’s said that he’s working back at the vollyball place in the spring, since I said I was going to get a job to make sure we had enough to pay both cars and then some. Back to the old argument that his job wouldn’t disrupt our lives, while mine would. And how he gets to kick back or play volleyball on the job, while I would actually have to work. I still hate it. Would be better if I felt like I was contributing.

Haven’t noticed anything with MB4 yet. He did wake up and announce that he was in a great mood and was going to have a great day. Maybe that’s a good sign.

This headache still hasn’t arrived. I’ve had the light spots and warning headache all week, but the main demon hasn’t shown up yet. It usually happens the same day, so I’m not sure what’s going on – the Inderal? Still queasy and throwing up if I don’t take the phenergan. Can’t imagine what my week would have been like with it. Long.

I need to find time to start wrapping. It takes awhile around here. 6 kids and all.

I think it’s time for more tylenol. Which sucks. What I wouldn’t give for a motin.

MB4’s pdoc called to squeeze him in today. The more I go there, the more I think they all smoke crack. When I called this week to ask about refills on his meds, I was told that the doc said she wouldn’t fill them until she saw him. Uhh, ok, but his appt wasn’t for a month, and what was he supposed to do until then? She told me to either find another doc or simply let him rub out. I told her that I was glad I called a bit ahead of time so I still had enough to taper him off, or else I’d be royally pissed off that he had to go cold turkey. Especially when one of the meds is an anti-seizure med and could cause big problems if you just stop like that. So mysteriously enough, they find an appt for us today. Then I get there, and tell the doc that I’m none too happy with the situation, and she said she would NEVER make a child go without medication. Then she said she wasn’t even there that day, nor her husband, who works there as a pdoc as well. So it’s nice that the fucking receptionists get to decide whether or not my son gets his meds. That’s pretty much what I said. She said she’d look into it, and then we setttled down to business.

Told her the Ritalin didn’t work, and he’s not taking it anymore. She agreed to scrap it since it should really be showing some benefit by now. And then………then then then then, she told me she wanted to try Risperdal on him. She knew that I took it, and said it might be just what he needs. Very low dose, and if it shows no great results, we ditch it too. I know I said I didn’t want him on it, but I always get ninnyass like that over rotten side effects and risk warnings. Same with the Elidel, and I’ve agreed to let MB2 have his script back. It’s the only thing that ever worked. He has a skin doc appt in January, so hopefully they’ll find out what his rash is and fix him up with something to get rid of it.

The Risperdal works pretty fast, so we should see something soon. I know it was given to me to stop those stupid crying spells I’d have every day at 3pm, and it stopped them the first day. I have tried skipping them in the morning, and I can feel the blues kicking in from nowhere that afternoon. I have no idea why. And of course when I ditch all of them, the big bad depression monster comes after me.

And why is that? That’s hardly fair that before I started all these pills to HELP ME, I was gogogo 95% of the time. I had exactly 4 depressive episodes to that point – for my whole life. Now I stop the pills and I’m trapped in bed wondering how I’m going to get through the day. Doesn’t make sense to me.

Another day, another headache. Shit gets old.

Gorgeous day today. Supposed to nice tomorrow too. Hard to believe Christmas is less than two weeks away. Speaking of, I am completely finished now. Completely. No more buying shit. No more finding presents and having to balance out the rest of the kids’ gifts. That happened twice. Everyone should be over the moon that day. I will kick them over the moon if they aren’t.

MB2 and I got into a fight yesterday. Big one. He threw his hat, I stuck my finger on his face and let the nasties fly. He had kicked a ball out of anger, and it had hit MB4 upside the head. Hard. While I know he didn’t hit him on purpose, kicking shit isn’t cool. I hollered at him about shit I shouldn’t have, and he hollered at me right back. Then he stormed off down the stairs – ignoring my warnings of how his ass needed to stay put. Then he locked himself in the room. He was only in there about a minute. I basically threatened his existence if he didn’t unlock it. We both calmed down a bit after that.

MB1 and I got into a fight today over … I don’t remember. I just know that I kicked my bedroom door repeatedly until I felt better. I told him to go ahead and leave for his friend’s house, but I couldn’t believe it when he walked out the door. I just assumed he would stay until we had talked things over. I let him go though. I went out about 20 minutes later to run to the store, and he was sitting in the van. Said plans had changed, but he didn’t want to come inside. He rode to the store with me, and we talked calmly. Things are fine now.

Starting to think I should go ahead and make that pdoc appt.

Synopsis – Barnyard

Move over, all you pretenders…here are the original party animals – the animated gang of Barnyard! This laugh-filled adventure stars Otis, a carefree cow who spends his days singing, dancing and playing tricks on humans…much to the dismay of his father, Ben. Wild, wacky and “udderly” hilarious, here’s a herd of animated pranksters that’ll keep you laughing out loud! Fetauring voices by Kevin James, Courtney Cox, Wanda Sykes, Danny Glover and Sam Elliot.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Was a cute movie, but the younger kids just couldn’t get into it. I thought they’d like it, and maybe they would, but getting them to watch it wouldn’t be easy. The older boys liked it though.

– Scrap that. The little ones sat down last night while the older boys were watching it again. Wee one still wasn’t too impressed, but MG laughed her ass off.

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Air Buddies –

Whew. Let me just say that we’ve watched this movie at least 15 times since they got it last week. Did I like it? I thought it was cute – at first. Now I would be happy if every copy in the world burst into flames, but that’s only because they WON’T STOP WATCHING IT. The kids, obviously, adore it. Won’t be wasting your money buying this one.

Not sure what pill it is, but lately I’ve been starting -and finishing- large tasks. Things that I’ve put off for years. Organizing pictures, finishing the kids’ photo albums, cleaning out closets, straightening up MD’s sock drawer – yes, this was a big chore. It’s not like I WANT to do these things, I just can’t think of any reason not to do them when the shit pops into my brain. I could before. I’d just holler screw that and fuck no and watch the idea slink away.

I can’t get my computer to save cookies anymore. It no longer asks me if I want to save passwords. It all started when I downloaded roboform. Sonofawhore. I got rid of it, but how do I get my system to play nice again? I think it’s pissed at me.

Geezus. Something is slower than owl shit, and it’s driving me insane. Internet, cable, computer – don’t know, don’t care. Just knock it off please.

MB4 and I had a long talk, and he asked if he could take his pills again. He said that his brain hurt without them, and he couldn’t make himself be good. Considering my experience with itchy brain, I gave him his pills back. That was on Friday night. I won’t say that he’s a changed man, but I have seen a calmer, happier child. I can’t wait until he gets a new doc. I guess the pills help him to some extent, but are they the right ones? He’s still not taking the ritalin. He’s out and the doc won’t renew until she sees him again. Lovely. Thank gawd it didn’t seem to affect him much anyway. I wonder if the teacher notes will stop now. He said he felt better, and I believed him. Thursday and Friday morning he screeched when his clothes weren’t handed to him that morning before school. This morning he actually dug in his drawer and found something – and when I handed him his regular clothes, he changed without a sound. I know this sounds silly, but it’s earth shattering, trust me. He hates wasting time. He hates you wasting his time. To get dressed twice like that just isn’t something he would normally do. Even with the pills though. Gawd I’m so confused. C’moooooon doc appt.

I still have to make an appt for me. Not sure how long it’s been since I’ve seen her. Couple months? Few months? Nah, can’t be that long. I still have 3 more months worth of pills, so it’s not likely I go anytime soon. Then again, the deductible is paid for the year. I don’t want to listen to her bitch at me. And since I’m going to be honest and tell her I’ve ditched the pills twice, I know she’s going to bitch and lecture. Fun times.

Not sure why no one ever hooked me up with this Inderal before. It has a lot of other uses, besides blood pressure and migraine help. Also used to treat anxiety and social phobias. I can tell the difference too. It’s not like I’m going door to door shaking hands, but I don’t run and hide when the mailman comes now. Sad, isn’t it? I don’t hide like he’s going to get me. I hide so in case he has a box, he just leaves it on the porch. I don’t want to be bothered. I don’t really get that feeling now. And while I’ve two headaches, they haven’t been anything to write home about.

Speaking of headaches, it’s going to drive me insane thinking about why I seem to get 99% on Sundays. There has to be something I’m doing or eating or smelling or not doing on Saturdays that trigger them. Can’t be Sunday itself, because they always start between 3am-6am. They wake me up. I’ve tried changing up when I go to bed – no luck. That’s the only difference I can think of that would make it any different than a normal weekday. Thanksgiving was one of the only times I got one on a weekday. And even then it wasn’t a normal weekday. Sleep is the only thing that makes sense, but what about way back when I wasn’t on meds and I hardly slept at all? No headaches to speak of then. I mean, the odd one here and there, but not like I’m having now. Makes my head hurt even thinking about it.

I’m going out of my mind trying to figure this out with MB4. His teacher has been complaining of him not paying attention more and more, but the medication wasn’t working for that when he was on it. The other meds I took him off of don’t relate to that sort of issue. In fact, I haven’t seen any behavior still that tells me he should be taking anything but an ADD helper. And really, it’s still the same shit we deal with in MB2, and he’s not taking anything. Just a lot of shit from me when his grades slip because his head trots up his ass again.

Oh damn, look at the time.

Title Info:

Here’s the delightful tale of teamwork and adventure your whole family will love! Air Bud is the proud father of five adorable puppies — the hip-hoppin’ B-Dawg, lovely RoseBud, mellow Bud-Dha, dirt-loving MudBud, and the big fella Budderball — with an unbelievable secret: They can talk! And the hilarious, hair-raising exploits of these barking, talking, ball-playing pups will have you cheering as they run off on a daring rescue mission to save their parents! With the tail-waggin’ star power of Michael Clarke Duncan (THE GREEN MILE), Richard Karn (TV’s HOME IMPROVEMENT) and the legendary Don Knotts — get in the game and share the family fun of this all-new feature!

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Haven’t watched this yet. Not sure if I will. Not my cup of tea, to be honest.

Thanks for the well wishes, the surgery went fine. Doc said dad did great. Now to get him healed up extremely fast so they can get back to chemo. I guess they moved it to THursday, so he has one week to recover. He seemed to be doing pretty good when I left today, so I think he’ll bounce back fairly quickly. It was rather alarming to find out that he’s lost 20lbs the past couple weeks. They thought 10lbs maybe, but it turned out to be 20. I knew he looked rather frail on Thanksgiving. I hope they throw in some steroids with the chemo again like they did last time. That really perked up his appetite.

In other exciting news, I have heartburn. And it sucks.

Dad’s surgery to put him back together is early tomorrow morning. It’s a relatively simple procedure, but given his current health, it’s still somewhat serious. If you could send a little positive energy, I’d appreciate it.

They also want to start chemo on Monday. Guess they’re going to do it whether he’s out of the hospital or not. I don’t like the feeling I get from their urgency.

ANyway, my cousin is watching the kiddos so I can be up there with mom. Wish him luck please. This colostomy reversal will DRASTICALLY improve his mood.

Feel pretty good today, aside from the fact that we’re broke as hell. I spent a bit too much on presents. I just couldn’t help myself. It’s things that they really really want, and it was my fault for getting everything else on their wish lists as well. It’s hard when you’re poor and can’t give them shit throughout the year. Christmas for me is a time to redeem myself. A chance to catch up and make it all better.

And I always make sure to weave these wonderful lies as to why we couldn’t get them their main gift. No matter how many times I yank their chain every year, they still believe me when I tell them I didn’t buy them what they wanted. Right now MB2 thinks I got him some stupid music-based gift way back in September before I found out that he wanted a camera. He keeps smiling and shaking his head as he looks at me as though he just might hit me upside my head. I can’t wait to see his face when he opens up that fucking camera that cost me $45 extra just to make sure it’ll be here by Christmas.

The thing is, he may be a little down about it, but I know if I really had gotten him something else, he would still be fine with it. THAT’S why I spent the extra cash. THAT’S why I keep spending extra every year to get them what they want. THAT’S why I love Christmas morning just as much as they do.

Although that whole blowjob booth thing might stop being a joke here real soon.

Ok, I’ll be honest – I didn’t watch but a tiny bit of this. I put it in while I started dinner, and thanks to the howls of laughter and crazy screeches coming from the kids – I got to clean up the bathroom and fold down laundry and talk to my friend for over an hour. That alone makes it worth the money. From what I saw, it’s a cute movie. Like I said – the kids all loved it. Even the older ones watched it. But don’t let them know I told you.

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Title Info: Get ready to go a little bit country with Disney’s all-new motion picture THE FOX AND THE HOUND 2. The music of today’s hottest stars is center stage in this classic tale of friendship and loyalty. Tod and Copper still go together like an itch and a scratch, but when Copper gets a shot at the big time with a nutty group of hound dog howlers, their purebred friendship is put to the test. Experience an irresistible adventure featuring the stellar voice talent of Reba McEntire, Patrick Swayze, and Jeff Foxworthy and bursting with original music by Trisha Yearwood, Lucas Grabeel, and many more. THE FOX AND THE HOUND 2 combines music and comedy in perfect harmony.

I love you. Now get back to work.

Not sure what I’m doing up at this hour or why I can’t go back to sleep, but oh fucking well. At least I’m not a depressed heap anymore. I feel much better. Yeah, I know my ass needs to stay on the pills and stop dicking around, but it’s hard when I’m trying to fight these headaches and I can’t take shit for them because of the lithium. Pain is one helluva reason to stop the meds.

I had to go get another shot the other day. Sunday. Almost always on a Sunday. I can’t figure out what I’m doing or eating or smelling or not doing on those Saturday or Saturday nights to bring on the monster head throbs that almost always start at 4:30am. It’s neat in a twisted sort of way.

I actually stayed awake after this shot. I don’t remember anything, but I stayed awake. I know I sort of helped with dinner and sort of helped with the kids and sort of pissed MD off with my sort of shitty help. I don’t remember anything but the pain being gone. Yesterday was not spent in a fog like usual though, which was nice. Shots usually affect me for a long while. This time they eased up on the anti-nausea part, since that’s what makes me so sleepy. Instead, I was given a whole new prescription of butt plugs meds to use when the pukes find me. Aren’t I the luckiest? Has to be suppositories because I’ll just throw up the pills. I know that, yet it still doesn’t make me happy.

He also started me on some indural. Or endural. However you spell it. Propranolol, actually. Generic. It’s a blood pressure medication, and a small dose every day has been known to ward off cluster migraines in some people. I’m going to give it a go and see what happens. Wouldn’t that be nice if I didn’t have any headaches between now and Jan 29th, which is when I finally see the specialist? Dare to dream.

Drake Bell, the star of the award winning Nickelodeon prime time show “The Drake and Josh Show,” is hitting stores with his brand new album, It’s Only Time, featuring the hit single “I Know”, today, December 5th.

To celebrate the release of It’s Only Time, Drake will perform an acoustic performance for one lucky fan and ten of their friends at the winner’s home!

An entry form and all rules can be located here:

http://drakebellsweeps.umusic.com

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I listened to the CD and I liked it. It’s catchy. Kids loved it.

Woke up to a warning headache a bit ago. I hate the ones that start this early. Just tells me it’s going to be a shit day. I took some meds and an anti-nausea suppository. Yay. Fun. I ain’t bitchin’ – it works. Damn good too. It’s better than spending my day at the clinic trying to get a shot of the same shit. I just wish I had the Nubain as well. Then I’d be set. And asleep. But it’s a small price to pay for pain relief.

I can’t get back to sleep now as a result. I fully expect the butt plug to kick in soon and make me drowsy, but until that happens, I’m stuck awake. And thinking of dad. What a wonderful way to complete the day. And it hasn’t even started yet.

Mom says he’s sleeping more than he’s awake. He was too tired to get a glass of water the other day. He has to come home and nap when they run errands. He almost burned the house down the other day because he had to rest after cooking, and fell asleep for 3 hours while the food did its thang. Isn’t that sleepy bad? Doesn’t that mean we’re looking at sooner, rather than later? Could it be possible that he still have a year or so left if he’s already sleeping like this? I find myself worried that he won’t see Christmas, and while I suspect that it’s his last, I never thought he wouldn’t even have this one.

My brain keeps trying to make sense of this – without my permission. I find it wandering back every free second I have, no matter how much I try to stop it. I simply cannot think about this willingly. I was doing so good, and now…. now I’m not doing at all. THere are so many reasons why he can’t die yet. It absolutely doesn’t seem real that God or whoever would be trying to take him right now.

The little ones won’t remember him very well – MB5 won’t remember him at all. On Thanksgiving, he spent most of his time playing with MB5 on the floor. They played cars for hours. It broke my heart every time I saw him, but it was so obvious that he was trying to bust down that memory door and demand that MB5 have even the tiniest glimpse of a happy time with his Papa. And he’s tried to make us come in the house every time I’ve run by there for whatever reason. He wants the kids around all the time. It’s like he knows something we don’t know.

This house isn’t redone yet. He’s supposed to help us since he redid their house. He told me again on THanksgiving that he would love to help, and I absentmindedly said that we’re going to get started within the year. He smiled and looked at the floor. I wanted to shoot myself in the head when I realized what I had done. Just another reminder that he won’t be here in a year. He will never get to help me with my house. I’ve always dreamed of him helping me redo a house. I don’t know why. Now he has the time, and I don’t have the money. I’ll use my income tax if he can hang out that long.

MY mom will be so helpless without him. He’s her common sense. He’s her liason to the world. He’s the mediator when she flips the switch into SuperBitch. He’s always been her provider, her safety base, her comfort zone. He’s the only man that would put up with her, and for that he deserves 9 lives, not to be ripped so soon from this one.

I love him and I can’t bear the thought of losing him. He is and always has been my daddy. It’s not even possible to imagine life without him.

Think I’m going to go add some Tylenol PMs to the mix. I just want to sleep some more.

I was blasted with the number notebook this morning. Haven’t seen that thing in almost two years. But other than that, we haven’t noticed any changes with MB4 now that he’s off the meds. I’m still going to give it time and watch him, but so far the notebook is the only thing I’ve seen that would indicate the pills did anything. And it’s not really that much of something to warrant taking oodles of pills. He has enough obsessive behavior as it is that tells me that the Zoloft only does a wee bit, if it works at all.

Only lasted 10 days off the meds this time. Yeah, I should stop trying and just accept it, but it’s hard. I needed to take some motrin for my face and I couldn’t. Guess I snapped and threw a fit. Unfortunately, the depression starts hammering down on me the minute the meds leave my system. Got to the point where I just stayed in bed yesterday. I got up last night and took the pills. Took the morning ones when I woke up. Wish I would start feeling something. Problem is, I was down the last few days I was taking the meds. Maybe it’s just the time of year to be down, but something is making it real bad. Dad maybe. Christmas maybe. Going to be a slim year and I hate that. Can’t change either one of them, so I should just suck it up.