Go figure that I’d get even more depressed off the meds. Talk about zero motivation. Kind of snippy too. Hard to tell what is withdrawal, and what is ….. well, me. The old me, that is. The real me. Whatever. Sure not having a grand ole time like I thought I would.

Not much of an update. Scans showed no change, which the doc thinks is impossible, so he ordered a PET scan. He seems to think it’s either scar tissue they’re seeing or ‘dead’ cancer. Guess we’ll find out NEXT Monday.

This withdrawal is getting to me. I feel like utter ass. All I did today was lie on the couch and watch cartoons. Head hurt too bad to do much else. I still feel ok though. Seeing small hints here and there of shit the meds ‘fixed’, but nothing too bad yet. Mostly a restlessness.

Damn, I’m tired. Time change sucks.

Only think giving me trouble is the lexapro. Shakes, chills, hot flashes, headache. Lovely.

Was pretty restless this weekend. Pretty agitated. Nothing I couldn’t handle, but still. Reminder that it’s not all fun and games off the meds. Going day by day for now.

Dad gets those results in a few hours. Makes for a shit day.

I was hella productive today – online anyway. Installed plugins and did a few fixes that I just didn’t have the brain power to do before. After two fucking days, I can actually feel my brain waking up. That has to say something. I can think again. I can FEEL. Albeit nothing but boredom right about now, but still. Baking Smaking, I’d rather sit here and work on skins and install shit and do backups and make lists – oh lots and lots of lists. It’s like Someone woke up and isn’t very happy to see how I’ve let the place go.

I have an apple crisp in the oven for me and only me and I’m getting ready to work on these skins.

Right after I get my sister’s blog set up. She needs a name. I’m setting her up at casualconversations.com, but she’ll need a better ‘fit’ than that. More personal. I doubt she wants MoodySister.

although it IS available……

:smoke:

My sister’s here. Say hi. Tell her she can have a blog as long as she doesn’t talk trash about me. Oh, she can’t tell how I chased her around the house with a knife either. Not cool.

–

I wish I hadn’t upgraded WP. I don’t like the new style. Any way to revert back?

–

I’m free for the day and working on skins. Brain is clicking for a change. Might be because I stopped my pills two days ago. Yes, MD knows. His idea. Yes, I know I know I know. I don’t want to hear it. I’m fucking tired of being depressed. I’ve been a good little bitch and have taken my pills since the day they told me I was bipolar. I haven’t missed a day. I just want to try it for a bit. I’m more than willing to start munching them down again at the first sign of trouble. Everyone and their mother has got an eye on me. I have my directive filled out in case I flip a nutty. I honestly think it’ll do some good to get all these meds outta my system.

No, I’m not manic. No, I’m not losing my mind. No, I’m not being stupid.

I just want my life back. Even for a little while.

Parent teacher conferences were last night. MB3 is doing as always – beautifully. A’s & B’s. I didn’t go to the high school because I hate wandering around looking for teachers and you only get a second or two because someone else is always waiting and that really irks me. I’ll get their report card and email a teacher if I have to.

As for MB4’s, I was expecting some problems. But there were none. She said he’s the most improved student she’s ever had – in everything. She said as long as you know how to get the information into his head, he’s a master. She said he’s gone up two levels in his reading/comprehension  – in only one quarter. She does sees signs of the ADHD when they have a visitor, but most of the time he contains himself perfectly. A’s and B’s.
Talk about relief.

Ok Stevie, you were right. I am having one helluva time with these skins. I’ll get it though. Someday. Now it’s pissing me off.

Another Monday. Yay. What the fuck ever. Actually, I do feel a tad bit better this morning. I find myself wanting to …..wait for it……..fix my other skins. I know I know.  Incredible. I even found my Christmas skin, and that makes me oh so very happy. Unfortunately, I had to dig them all out of an old mt backup folder, and I have to convert them to wp. I know it isn’t hard, if I remember correctly. I just haven’t done anything with mt/wp code in a very long time. Like two years. We’ll see if it’s like riding a bike.

I have decided to read through my archives to make sure there isn’t anything that might give my sister a scare, and it’s taken me a fuckton of time to just get through October. This may take weeks. What a crock!

And really, I’ve got a half mind to start deleting the ones that irk me.

The drowsiness the lithium causes is becoming a problem. I can just barely fight the one pill in the morning, but the two I take at night? Meh, it gets me every time. I wonder if this shit’ll go away. MD says I’m just mad because I get tired now like everybody else, but I’m not. I’m mad that I fall asleep before my children. That’s bullshit.

–

I didn’t feel very productive today. I ended up doing quite a bit, but it was forced. Maybe I’m just not meant to have that happy feeling. I take 2 antipsychotics – one stabilizes my mood and works in treating depression and one keeps me from crying – and two anti-depressants, yet I’m STILL FUCKING DEPRESSED. Can someone explain that to me please?

–

Thinking about letting my sister read this blog. Nothing would surprise her, so why hide it? I’m thinking about this one.

–

Bought a new car. MD’s (new-er) car had a bit of trouble yesterday, and it would have been almost $500 to fix. His car is of the disposible variety, but hey, you can’t beat that payment. He’s been talking about switching to a slightly better quality car for some time, and this just pushed him into it. And his boss is going to see about paying for his gas every month for all the running around he does. That would be nice.

–

Have also turned down the job in AZ. The more we thought about it, the more we couldn’t stomach leaving this town. Would have been given a company truck though, making the above situation all that much easier.

Because it’s never dull around here, life has thrown us a curve ball. But first, let’s discuss Dad for a minute. On the 30th of this month, in a mere 12 days, we will have the test results back from his final scans. The doctor has said there will be one of 3 options suggested at that time.

a) chemo did so great they can go ahead with the surgery
b) chemo did so-so and they need to do more
c) chemo did so-so and they just stop altogether

My stomach will be in knots for the next two weeks waiting. It’s almost like this is the moment we’ve all been waiting for. I guess it’s not almost like it, it is the moment we’ve all been waiting for. I hope it’s a good moment. That new drug avastin or however you spell it knocked it back 40% at the half way mark. I hope it works miracles again this half.

With this looming in the very near future, MD has been offered a job – in Arizona. Same company, just a different job. The kicker – his pay would increase by 50%. Yes, I said 50. That’s no small raise people. That’s huge. That’s not worry if the van goes tits up huge. He’s going to talk them about all the details this week. See if there are any hidden nasties.

But what? Do we move? Away from Dad right now? What if the option c comes in to play, how could I leave then? And what if the unthinkable happens – how could I leave mom here all alone? And my friend just moved here to be closer to us. She’d fucking kill me. And the kids…..yank them from the school they love and the friends they’ve made the past 6 years? They’ve grown up here. This town where we wanted to …… fuck it. MD’s going to be pissed, but I don’t want it. I know he’ll want the ‘promotion’. Too bad. He can move then, my life is here. At least for now.

Schools banning tag?

TAG?

Hello, tag is just as much a part of childhood as school itself. It’s fucking tag, the game you need no money and no supplies and no skills to play. It’s only the best game ever.

Little Johnny needs to stop whining to mom that he fell down and scratched his leg today during recess. Suck it the fuck up and learn your life lesson little dude. And Johnny’s mom needs to stop bugging the fuck outta the school for Johnny’s booboo and let them do their job.

I’m tired of school resources going toward something idiotic like this that takes away from education. I’m tired of reading about shit like this and it’s happening more and more. I’m tired of worrying about what kind of a world we’re creating for ourselves.

And I’m fucking terrified of the worthless whining weasels like Johnny that will someday grow up and run this country.

Wee one just had a small conversation with me! Could only understand about half of it, but I’ll take what I can get. He talks so damn cute. We’ve waited so long to hear his chatter. He calls me maaaheee. I think that means mommy. Calling me mommy gets you whatever you want. Except if you’re a big person. That’s just weird.

I searched for a dead mouse for 20 minutes today until I realized the smell was my son’s cleats. Guess I’ll be like that febreeze bitch. His shit is ripe.

I had a dream that MD told me he wasn’t happy anymore and left. I was devastated all over again. I woke myself up and stayed awake so I couldn’t repeat the dream. It was 4am. That was yesterday, and when I told him about it last night when he got home, he told me that there’s no way it could happen because he is totally happy and content right now. That I am the sunshine of his life. Then he sang me a bunch of songs in strange keys that I think were supposed to fall along the lines of what he was saying, but since he was getting out of the shower I just stared at his johnson.
Oops, my laundry gadget tells me that the washer is done.
Must switch………………………………………………………….

MG threw me a suprise birthday party on Sunday. And what a surprise it was, given the fact that my birthday’s in May. We went with it though and I made a cake and bought some ice cream. Then the cat ate the cake and I had to go back to the store to buy another one. Bitch cat. She even growled at me for disturbing her. Gah. But the party was fun. Having an imaginative 5yo daughter is fun.

Sitting around waiting for that good mood shit to kick in like it did last week. No such luck. I’m still active though, so that’s good. Laundry from the weekends is always bad, and it sucks when I don’t have the oomph to do it. And the house is picked up. MD deep cleaned the living room yesterday, and since today is living room day, I get a pass. I’ll sweep, ’cause the floor can always use a sweepin’ [I HATE hard wood floors], but that’s about all I’m doing. I guess I could clean out the filing cabinet. And we could wait until next week to do that. See? The pills ain’t working like they did. What a crock.

We watched Click Saturday, and it thoroughly depressed me – regardless of how it turned out. I had a nightmare that I was old. I about had a panic attack until I realized I was just dreaming. I just hate that. Wasted time is my biggest ARGH. Sitting around on a Sunday afternoon might be fine and dandy for some, but I see it as life minutes wasting away that I’ll never get back.

Maybe I’ll go bake something.

Not to say I’m definitely doing this, and if I do, it won’t be until the spring, but I’m seriously thinking about forming a social group ourselves instead of waiting around for someone else in the area to do it. Could start with our family, give the information to MB4’s advocate, and see if he finds any interested people to join us.

But I need activities. I would want things planned out well in advance. I have:

bowling
miniature golf
movies
museum visit
swimming
picnic/park
arcade

What else?

Anyone have a waffle recipe that actually tastes like waffles, and not waffle-shaped pancakes? MB2 is a pain in my ass about it. The recipes I find can double for both, and he just hates the taste. Anyone have one that they like?

Let’s see… time for an all over update I guess.

Wee one …….. talking more and more. Wish more people could understand him. They all turn to me for translation. Still slurring the words and leaving out the middles. He’s turning into a brat as well. Always throwing a fit when I take him somewhere. Lately we’ve been playing the game – give it to him, he screams louder than you. He’s also started climbing into our bed at night, which we expected at some point. Unfortunately, MG is still doing it too, which leaves little room for mom and dad. Especially when MB5 sleeps sideways, in the fabulous snow angel position. Still loves to drive his cars into his food. Still makes me thankful every day that surprises happen.

MG ….. wow. Talk about growing up right before your eyes. She’s a little girl now. My baby girl is long gone. She amazes me with the words she uses and sentences she puts together. She loves to go shopping. Wish I had the money to take her every day. Hell, she’s just as happy shopping at the thrift store. She’s such a girlie girl. I never was, so this is new to me. The pink, the frills, the hair, the pristine-ness of it all. She makes me glad to be a girl. I am constantly surprised by how kind she is. Doting after the wee one. Mother hen-ing everyone else. She sacrifices for others without even blinking. Without thinking. She will make a fantastic mother someday. Unfortunately, she says she’s never leaving the house and will raise her kids right here. With no husband. Who needs a husband. Gawd help me.

Well, he’s full of it, that’s for sure. He and I argue a lot these days. He still has language trouble and no one seems to get that but me. You can spend 2 hours fighting with him about the same thing, or you can spend 5 minutes explaining in a different way and end the problem immediately. Unfortunately, it just isn’t as simple as it seems. The school speech gal called and said he’s doing so well they are planning on ending his IEP. I told her we were still having loads of trouble with the language stuff, and through the course of the conversation, I mentioned something about his upcoming evaluation, and she said – for what. So I went over his laundry list of labels thus far, and it was the first she’d heard of any of them. How can you really help an autistic child when you don’t know he’s autistic? Now maybe this new eval will come back that he’s fine, but I just don’t think so. Other than all this hoopla, he’s really a very sweet kid. I wish he had more friends.

Such a sweet child. Hard to believe he’s mine. He has had his moments lately though. When he hangs around a certain child, I have to ride that ass like a pony. Makes me wonder how much influence this kid has on him when I’m not around. This kid had the single mom she’s never home blahblah story going on. What do they do over at his house? She’s a helluva lot more lenient than I am. I hope he keeps his head on straight. His grades are great. Has adjusted to middle school quite nicely. He’s enjoying this new life of football games and dances and pep club. He’s the social butterfly of the gang. We’ve been hanging out a lot lately with the boys at soccer. He’s a pretty neat little guy.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about this kid. Not for what he’s doing, but for what he isn’t. I know he’s not into drugs or drinking or anything like that, but he’s also not into school or activities or sports or his family or anydamnthing. Part of that’s normal, yes. But it’s not normal for him. At least it wasn’t. He blew off practice the other day to go hang out. Wasn’t going to tell me about it either. We stick to our commitments in this house, and I was pissed. His old friends were a mix of backgrounds. He fit in that mix quite nicely. These new friends all have money. Uhhh, we don’t. He gets pissy when I won’t fork over the cash every weekend for him to see a movie. Tough shit. Now, he’ll work for it, but it still comes out of the family budget, and his fun time just isn’t on the priority list. If he wants money, he should be doing stuff for OTHER families to get THEIR cash. Other than this headache, he’s still doing well in school. Thankfully, he’s not having that can’t find my ass with two hands and a flashlight shit going on. I hope it’s gone for good.

I’m really impressed with MB1 lately. I’m also really disappointed with him lately. His grades seem to be at the top of his list. Yay MB1! Asking forgiveness instead of permission are his new words to live by. Grrr. It’s not like the things he wants to do are bad, and more than likely I would have said yes – but he didn’t want to take the chance that I said no. Like maybe it’d be too close to dinner/dark time to play football with the guys. Well, yeah, it was. But all he ended up doing was pissing me off so he couldn’t play any day this week. What a sad little boy he was. He’s gotta learn. I don’t have many rules, and I expect them to be obeyed. But, he’s a good kid. He makes me laugh. He’s growing up more every day.

Can’t say how he’s doing lately. I thought I could tell once, but I was wrong. I know he seems happy, but I really hate to even guess. Just thinking about it again makes my stomach heave. He’s working at the other job for only two more weeks. I can’t wait. Main job is keeping him hopping as well. He did manage a half day when I had my appt, but they kept him on the phone most of the time. For the rest of his update I think I’ll just write I hope he’s happy a million times. That’s all I really care about anyway. I’m afraid to ask him. What if his face gives the answer while his lips lie to me. Ack. Couldn’t handle that. Just going to enjoy our time together.

And myself. My appt went well. They kept everything the same to see what happens this coming month. She’s pretty excited that this is it. I hope so too. But then they’re both already talking about weaning me from the anti-depressants since I have the lithium, which also works on depression – but I don’t want them fucking with anything. Just got it right, and they want to go breaking shit. I told them not for awhile. That I was tired of the ride and I just wanted to be stable for awhile without any changes. We’ll see how long they agree. I really do feel great. Still don’t think I’m manic, just happy. Sad when I don’t know if I can one without the other. I even took the kids to the park the other day. Yeah, I know. Big deal. Well it is a big deal around here. I thought MG was going to faint. And figures it’d get cold after I promised her we’d go again. I mean cold. Like 26 degrees. Fucking weather. There’s a parade today in 3 hours. Currently it’s 34 degrees. Should be fun. Not.

I have 8 moon pies.

And you don’t.

Yesterday was a nightmare. ‘Bout had a fit waiting for them to fix the server issues. I think I wore out my F5 key.

PDoc appt today. MD is coming home early to watch the kids, so I get to make that drive in peace. Unfortunately, that means I’ll be bored. Mom usually goes with me and watches the kids in the lobby, but my appts only last 30 minutes. She booked this appt for 60 minutes, and that’s selfish to want MD to go and wait that long in the lobby with the kids. Hmmmm, but not the snack bar. Wonder if he’d go for that? Nah, I’m a big girl.

The lithium has done a lot more for me than just pull me out of the dumps, it’s started me thinking again about the bipolar me. I still had that silly question about who I was – am I really normal with some missing pieces, or am I bipolar who can be made normal with drugs. I know it doesn’t make a shit’s difference to anything in my life, but it mattered to me for some reason.

Getting used to the idea of taking lithium has probably been the best thing for me. The mental adjustment was just as hard as the physical one. I’ve been taking bipolar meds for over a year and a half, but I never accepted that I truly needed them until the day she said lithium. Never personally identified with being bipolar. I was able to pop those pills and somehow push back the reason why I took them.

So now I’ve been able to answer my question. I know that I’m bipolar, and that I need help being normal. I’ll never be normal on my own, and I need to burn that into my brain on those days when I’m ready to flush the pills in the toilet. It would be dangerous to view myself as normal, and I can’t believe I didn’t see that before. Oddly enough, this doesn’t make me sad. It actually makes me happy that I’m finally working through this bullshit that I’ve struggled with since this whole thing started.

Soccer game tonight for MB4. Should freeze our asses off. That’s always great fun. Other boys have games on Thursday, so we get to play run back and forth in order to see each son play again. We’ll be playing this fun game for the next 5 weeks. You’d think in a town this small they’d figure out that someone just might have a high school student playing school soccer AND a younger child playing rec soccer. Both of them – games on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Just doesn’t make any sense.

Making a delicious roast tonight. Can’t beat crock pot cookin’. I made 6 dozen rolls the other night, so I pulled 18 outta the freezer for tonight as well. Going to try to make more bread today. I found a few recipes to try – if anyone has one that they know and love, pass it along. Even an egg bread recipe. No matter. Love it all.

Starting to get really nervous about MB1 driving. He’ll be 16 in a few short months, and he’s got a job lined up next month after soccer ends to save money for a car. It makes me ill to think of him on the road by himself. I know it’s like everything else, and I’ll slowly come to even like the idea when I don’t have to make mad trips to the store anymore, but for right now, I’m worried beyond belief. I wish we didn’t live here now. I don’t want him to drive in the snow. Hell, I won’t let him drive in the rain yet. He still has a lot of seasoning to do. MD lets him drive everywhere – even to town and back. On the highway. 70mph. Not me. No thank you. Not yet. And not with my other babies in the car. I’m being too much of a ninny, I know. Can’t help it.

Got a blurb yesterday that Risperdal has been approved to treat the aggression in autistic kiddos. I can vouch that it works wonders ….. uhh, but I’m not autistic. I cannot wait for MB4’s next appt. I’m going to ask her about it. The ritalin shit ain’t working either. Well, he’s doing his homework, but that’s it. He still can’t calm down to save his life.

Everyone’s answers to my question has me wondering if maybe I reveal too much of my life here. I don’t think I give out anymore than other people? Do I? Too much? But how can you tone down your blog when you use it to write about your life? You can’t tone down your life. Guess it just doesn’t make sense to me to have this valuable tool if you can’t use it to its full potential.

Dear Person at the doctor’s office,

I have a rather wide personal space requirement. I know you aren’t aware of my quirks, but do you have to sit with your legs spread, touching my muthafucking leg? That’s just flat out rude. No one wants your fucking cooties- and you most certainly have the cooties. MuthaFUCK I feel like showering again to wash you off my thigh.

I will climb into your chair and choke you the next time.

I’d love a white bread recipe, if anyone’s got one.

Off in a bit for yet another blood draw. This is great fun.

Then I’m off to buy a couple outfits for MG. She’s finally outgrowing her clothes.

MD came home yesterday with something stuck in his eye. It bothered him all day, so he finally went to the clinic last night. I thought that was the end of the evening. I was wrong.

When he was getting ready to leave, I joked that we could still go out when he got back and have that nice dinner we’ve been planning for awhile. He said to get ready, so after feeding the kids, I spent an hour curling my hair and painting my face.

He came home around 8:30pm and hopped in the shower, then we settled the little ones as much as possible. They were close to falling asleep, so we set them up in our room with blankies and a movie. MB2 said it took about 20 minutes for all of them to zonk out. MB3 included.

We went and had a nice dinner. Can’t remember the last time we’ve actually sat and talked like that. Then we drove around a bit before hitting the fun store. Fun Store. For grown-ups. I’ve never been, and he thought it’d be great fun to drag my ass inside. He proceeded to investigate each and every product in the store – loudly. I wasn’t embrassed though, not like I thought I would be. Figures I’d feel right at home in a store like that. We made our usual purchase and left. And wouldn’t you like to know what that was. I ain’t shy. Movies. We buy movies. Ummm, and there was a section for movie rentals. Am I the only one who sees a problem with this? Eeeeyuck.

We’re boring, so we went home after that. Maybe next time we can go out a little earlier so we can catch a show or something. I’d rather go play darts or pool or something though. Movies make me feel like I’ve wasted two hours of my life I’ll never get back – even if I liked it. Same reason I rarely read books anymore. This shit with my sister and my dad have really brought my own mortality to the forefront. I hate wasting minutes of my life. Umm, blogging [I fucking hate that word] writing here is ok because it’s a record of my life, and Lord knows I can’t remember my middle name most days. Not sure if my kids should ever see this though. Knowing their parents went to an adult store and bought movies might scar them for life.

Draggin’ ass today. Definitely no zoom zoom here. Of course, I was up most of the night, so that might explain it. I went to bed fairly early, then MD got home at 1:30am and I couldn’t get back to sleep. I finally drifted off about 5am, only to have the shittin’ alarm clock holler at 6am. Couldn’t go back to bed then either.

MD is working for some guy today. Supposed to be done here soon. I wish he didn’t have to do shit like this. Hard to turn it down though. Money’s money.

I’m bored as hell waiting on him. I already made Italian rolls for dinner tonight. Whole damn house smells like garlic. I’m sure that shit is stuck to my clothes as well. I’m gonna wilt the fucking pumpkins today at the orchard.

Time to make something else. Beats sitting here.

I’ve managed to complete most of my daily/weekly/monthly cleaning jobs this week. I’ve taken the kids to the park. I’ve sewed, or my piss poor attempt at it. I’ve baked cookies twice and made an apple crisp from scratch. Laundry is totally caught up.

Yet, I don’t feel hurried. I don’t feel that gogogo shit. I just feel like me, only better. I feel happy without being SUPERhappy. There are still times when I feel myself slipping back into blahsville though, so maybe if she let’s me take the whole lexapro instead of just half, I can stay on the happy side of life. She started me with half a dose to make sure it didn’t make me manic. I don’t know if I’m trustworthy enough to answer that it hasn’t, given how much I’d like to have a wild ride right about now, but I really don’t think I’m upupup.

Have I given off that vibe?

I wish it was Saturday. My Fridays suck right now with MD working. Three more weeks, that’s all I have to keep saying. Too bad the paycheck will go bye bye too. That’ll hurt. But it’s worth it to have him home. I can deal with being broke. Things are especially bad this month, but they start to slowly get better after that. Very slowly, but still better.

They are talking about extending dad’s chemo if the scans come back as positive as they did last time. The doc said dad has handled the chemo better than anyone he’s ever seen, considering the juice he’s getting. Dad doesn’t think so. He’s not so keen on more treatments. He has one left, and he’s rather happy about that. They spoke to that doctor who said he’d do the surgery, and things are on hold until after the final scans. I find myself having a glimmer of hope. This last month is going to drag by.

I didn’t post that question to gather up some love, but I’ll take it. I honestly thought more of you would say that you’re nuts.

—

My parents are going ahead with the lawsuit against his former employer. Not sure what exactly the points are, but common sense tells me that they shouldn’t have treated him that way. Let’s hope the judge sees it the same way. Let’s hope MD doesn’t receive the fallout.

–

I feel so damn good today. It’s about damn time.

–

My sewing machine is working again. The ….. flipper thingy (wow, I’m a fucking sewing expert) was stuck straight up, and it was preventing the needle from going up and down. I’m so happy. I was so sad thinking I had to wait a few months before I could afford a new one. Not that I sew like a madman, but I’m trying to learn. I have a shitload of fabric pieces, and I need to practice a steady seam. My shit looks like a manic muthafucker sewed it.

Duh

From Beethoven to dinosaurs to Bangali facts, PICK ME UP (October 2006, DK Publishing, $29.99, hardcover, ages 10+) explains the world around us through smart, witty writing and a fun and modern design. This captivating reference book serves more as an unencyclopedia for the internet generation, and teems with fascinating information about history, science, nature, geography, and culture. These cool facts, inspired by pop culture, serve as a serious boredom eliminator, and their arrangement is inspired both by video games and the internet. PICK ME UP appeals speicifically to modern kids and teens, and mirrors the multimedia world in which we live.

———————————–

I tried getting into this trivia-ish, reference-ish book, but I couldn’t sit for more than a few pages. BUT, I left it on the counter, and it caught MB3’s eye. He didn’t put it down until it was time for bed. Then he was reading it again this morning before school. He thought it was great. He’s learning all kinds of things, and he seems genuinely interested. Now, not every 11yo boy is going to go for this book, but mine did. Problem is, he’ll probably finish it off today, and that’s $30 for 24 hours of enjoyment. I’m not so sure about that. You’d have to decide if it’s worth it to you. I did like seeing him read.

I like hosting the family holidays. I don’t have to worry about my kids breaking shit, mainly. And I don’t have to worry that my picky ass won’t have anything to eat. And I don’t have to worry about freezing my ass off when it’s time to leave these usually winter-y family functions. Plus, I just like doing them. I love cooking a shitload of food and watching it all disappear. I should, I do it every night.

Problem is that my uncle died a few days after Thanksgiving last year. Everyone’s memory of him is here in this house. The last memory of him. I’m not sure how comfortable my aunt would be if I hosted this year. But I want to. And no one else ever really offers anyway.

I’m having mom ask her how she feels, but I’m not sure I won’t have it regardless. Is that nasty of me?

Ok, more questions……

How long have you ‘been’ here? Have you been around for awhile, or did you stumble in after my diagnosis? Why did you stay? Connection of sorts? And if you came after the bp dx, were you looking for bipolar information/blogs when you found me?

Guess what I’m getting at, is I think that like-minded people stay together, even on the Net. Most of my friends online seem to have the very same issues that I do – that can’t be total coincidence. Some parts were – there was no way of knowing that both Michelle and I would have autistic kiddos back when we first became friends, but her and I connect because of how similar we are.

Just curious as to how many people are here either BECAUSE I’m bipolar or because YOU’RE bipolar/moody and can relate.

Does that make sense?

I’m not sure I want to know how many people are here for the show.

The total raised for the LTN Walk was $55,000. They almost doubled the goal set for this area.

$55K to kill cancer. Not too shabby.

My 5yo just told me it’s a blustery day. Her vocabulary is better than mine.

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Wee one is every bit a two year old brat. Fit thrower. Screamer. Kicker. Pincher. Runner. Let me repeat that last one in tribute to just how often he runs away. HE’S A RUNNER. My gawd is he. You put him down, he’s gone. He doesn’t care where he’s going, he’s just not staying around here. He’s definitely the youngest child. Spoiled ass rotten. Just like Her Highness.

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The pdoc wrote new orders on my meds, and changed me from generic to Wellbutrin XL. Also changed the amount of cash I’m forking out to stay sane. Good gawd. I’d better notice a difference.

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Went from hot as hell to nippy as shit. Not sure which I prefer. I’d LIKE to have some fall please. Get a little so-so weather in before winter hits. And let’s make Halloween warm while I’m wishing for shit.

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MD has 3 more weeks at the second job. I’m thrilled to death. He’ll still play one night a week, but maybe we can all go to that and watch daddy play. Sounds nice.

Had to get a few prescriptions filled last night, and there was a new girl at the window. Turns out they had everything ready except the lithium. There was a note on there from my regular gal about when I could pick it up. As this new girlie read the note, I saw her eyes do a nervous dance as she came to the word lithium. I’m not lying. Eyes darted to me, gave a ninny laugh, then finished reading. It didn’t bother me like I thought it would, but it shocked me, given where she works. If that’s how she reacts to the mentally ill, she’d better strap in for the ride.

Now, she could have just the first day jitters general I guess, but it got me thinking. How many of you would be nervous if you met someone in person that was bipolar? I don’t want you to think of only me and say, oh no big deal. ‘Cause I want the honest part of you. The part that remembers that airport guy. Would you wonder about the person’s stability? Wonder what they’re capable of?
I’m curious, ’cause I haven’t exactly kept it a secret, and I’m starting to realize that not everyone is as easy-going with it as I am.

I feel like ass. Not an ass, just ass. My face is killing me, thanks to a sinus infection. My 2pm doc appt can’t get here soon enough. The headache pain is incredible, and I can tolerate quite a bit of head pain.

And now, thanks to the lithium, I can’t take motrin. WTF? Why don’t ya cut off my fucking arm too? I NEED ibuprophen, just as sure as I need oxygen. Only thing I can take now is Tylenol. Oh happy days. Tylenol and I get along so well and all. Shit.

Unfortunately, I can’t say anything else bad about it, well – except that it could kill me at toxic levels. It seems to be working. I don’t feel as down, and I’ve noticed myself doing more – both around the house and in my life. Anxiety has gone down a notch or two as well. I don’t think I’m …… manic. FUCK I hate that word. I still want to take the meds, and that’s the million dollar question I ask myself to test the lucid waters.

Or purple skies, whichever.

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I nabbed a sewing machine at a garage sale a few weeks back. It seemed to work ok, so I went out and grabbed a few things to try and re-teach myself to sew. I finally get ready to do this, and the damn machine dies. That’ll teach me to want a hobby.

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Ok, never mind. MB4 is not better. He’s just as hyper as he was – he just likes to do school work now. That’s only halfway better.

Final total: $1404

Oh yeah. [Insert dorky ass dance here] Can’t thank everyone enough.

Walk was great. Weather was fantastic. My parents showed up, and dad looked good. That’s always a boost. I got him a white balloon for survivors, and he actually held on to it. I figured he’d fuss and pawn it off on someone.

Can’t wait for next year.