OK, I told my friends. Also called a family member from each side since mom just couldn’t make the calls. They’ll pass along the news from there. Now to just wait for Tuesday. Yay. Although, he does have an oncology appt tomorrow. Wonder what wonderful news that might bring. My mom just sounds so damn… I dunno. I know she knows something she’s not telling me. It’s like she wants to, and maybe she’s trying, but when I press, she backs off. Perhaps turning thoughts into words will make it too real. I can certainly understand that. Still not able to say it out loud without getting upset, but I really need to work on that shit. I was gently reminded today that my dad is facing major surgery and he already has an infection – I need to talk to him before Tuesday. Just in case. Yuck. That sentence left a foul taste in my mouth.

I wish I could sleep.

Few pictures up. I hate my camera. Wish I had $500 to pull outta my ass. Perhaps I’ll pick up a job or two so I can nab me a better one. Was starting to feel like working again before the bad news demon attacked us again.

I have errands to run and I’m sitting in my robe. Probably not going to get them done this way.

I’d like to go spend some serious money for the yard. That tells me I need to stay away from the garden area of the store. I’ll buy it and winter will plunk down some fucking snow again. I’ll wait just a bit. MD has a few more things to do in the backyard anyway.

So far, Blockbuster is my hero. Seriously. Could just be yanking my chain for the first few months, but I’m enjoying the shit outta three NEW movies every week.

Su doku is a fabulous way to occupy your mind. Math logic. Is there anything sweeter?

MB5 is really trying to talk. Problem is, he sucks at it. When he says no, the wolves in the next county harmonize with him. He can say cookie and mama perfectly. He says some bullshit after you hand him a cookie, and since it’s the same thing every time – we think it’s thank you.

Alright. Enough stalling. Time to shower and enjoy my day. Yep.

Last night I had a dream that there was a nifty new machine that could immediately determine everything about your health with a quick scan. They put these bitches in the entrances of everywhere, so people could just glance over and do a quick health check whenever they wanted.

Yeah, you can see where my mind was headed with this one. My dad’s readout said 90% cancer. That’s it. Nothing else. I sat up in bed and turned on the tv for awhile to chase that dream away, but it was on auto-repeat the rest of the night. As a result, I slept like shit.

I know it’s just a dream, and I know the news is better than that, but it sure sobered me up from the bone scan high I’ve been feeling the past few days.

If you have nothing nice to say about your husband because there never IS anything nice to say, making babies with him on purpose makes YOU pretty fucking stupid.

Dad’s bone scan came back a-ok. That’s good, eh? Means it’s not in his bones like they thought.

He seems in better spirits as well. More willing to fight than he was a few days ago. That’s half the damn battle right there.

Signed MG up for TBall yesterday. Got her gear today. Purple glove. She wanted a pink bat, but they didn’t have any. We bought a T and took her to the park, and while she really didn’t grasp anything but how to make the boys piss themselves laughing as she damn near took MD’s nuts off with the bat each and every time – at least it gave my brain and my guts a rest.

There is a steel wall holding reality out right now, but it keeps trying to sneak in. It takes all my energy to make sure nothing gets through. I absolutely cannot handle the weight of what’s behind that wall. I know it will destroy me, and I’ve only recently starting to feel like myself again.

There are a few people that know. My cousin does. She’s been like a part of our family since her mother died of cancer when she was 15. I knew she had to know. She took it about as well as I expected- incredulous and shocked like the rest of us. I’m telling ya, my dad is the Tony Soprano for both sides of the family – I guess that’s a pretty shitty example considering the story line right now. Or a perfect one.

I’ve spent a long time thinking about my cousin. About everyone that’s lost a parent or child or sibling…. I am in awe of their strength. I don’t think I’m that strong. I’m ashamed to admit that I haven’t even spoken to my father since this all began. I just can’t. I don’t want him to hear me crumble. He needs to remain positive, and I must work through this shit first in order to regain control of my pathetic self.

I just need to hold that crap out for another week or so until the doc actually looks at the liver. Need to find things to do. MD suggested a few mindless movies for tonight. Sounded good – until the dad croaked in The Weather Man. Nice. Think I’ll stick to games. And floam. Floam’s cool. Well, this isn’t real floam. It’s ebay floam. But it’s cool all the same. You can just mash it around for hours without thinking at all.

Wish I could sleep.

MS is coming up for the surgery. Says she has a feeling she should be here. Made my guts shrivel up to hear her say that.

They wanted to do the surgery this Tuesday, but dad said he needed time to absorb it all. I hope he knows what he’s doing.

Still rather numb. Told the older kids this afternoon, but a very watered down version. Wanted them to at least have an idea of what is causing such a ruckus lately.

I’m having a very hard time telling my 3 closest friends IRL. Isn’t that odd? How do you pick up the phone and say yada yada how are you how’s the family MB4’s play is Monday dad’s sick. I don’t want the pity. I don’t want the sympathy. I don’t want them to run over here with a shoulder. I just want them to know because I feel they should. Because we’ve all been friends for 20 years and my dad cares about them all and they care about him. Because I wanted to know when two of their dad’s fought the Big C … and lost.

This just really fucking sucks.

They talked to the surgeon. Scheduled for the 4th. He will go ahead and do the liver biopsy then as well, but he warned them that he believes the cancer is probably ‘peppered’ throughout his body. So far that’s the fourth person to say roughly those same words. Kind of hard to ignore them.

My dad has agreed to this surgery, as it’s actually life-threatening, but if the liver backs up this ‘peppered’ claim, he isn’t going to go through with anymore anything. And if I allow my grown-up brain to read between the lines, my mom told me tonight that the docs won’t be able to do anything anyway.

No need for any more comments or prayers or hugs. I appreciate them, and I know everyone means well, but there’s only so many times you can tell someone I’m sorry. Only so many hugs you can give. Only so many prayers you can send. Especially when The Big Guy ain’t listening anyway.

Large malignant tumor in colon – very large, I guess. They want to do surgery immediately. Not sure about the other results. Either they aren’t in yet, or they didn’t want to totally blow mom’s mind. I feel like I haven’t learned anything that my gut didn’t already suspect.

Anyhoooo – thanks again for all the support.

I’ve spent the past few days thinking Friday would never get here, but if the news sucks, I’ll wish it never did.

Mindless gaming sites please….

How am I supposed to eat? How do I get up and clean the house and run errands like nothing is wrong? And how am I supposed to prattle on like everything’s peachy in front of the kids? How do I explain the quicker-than-usual temper, and the sadness I know they can see. How much longer can I hide the tears that find me when I least expect it?

“Just try not to think about it ’till Friday.”

Just how exactly do you go about doing that?

Sort of a long story, but when dad was 17 he had a motorcycle accident. They opened him up, and then closed him. Told my mom (his gf at the time) and grandma to make his funeral arrangements. His internal organs were a scrambled mess. They kept waiting for him to die, but he didn’t. He was in the hospital for almost a year, but he walked out eventually.

Because of it, he has had a lot of issues over the years. He’s one of the strongest men I know, but the old injuries do create problems at times. So when he had a lot of the same symptoms that MS had, he chalked them up to the accident, like always. Wasn’t until she was dx’ed that he thought – uh oh. But he didn’t want to shift focus from her. Plus, he’s a stubborn old man who hates doctors.

He’s only going now because he’s had a fever since January that he can’t get rid of. His regular doc thought it was sinus-related, but no matter what antibiotic they use, it won’t quit. This other doctor said it’s his immune system breaking down.

Ok, enough blah blah – on to the confusion…

I guess they went in early yesterday for a liver biopsy, but they couldn’t do it because of his fever. His regular doc was called, and they put him on yet another antibiotic, I guess something that’s used on AIDS patients, because nothing else has worked so far to kill this infection – whatever the hell it is, they don’t know.

When they went back later for the radiology report, the lady doctor told them it showed cancer in 5 places. (Mom/Dad only told MS and I about the 3 at first, but I guess they also included the intestines and bones?? wtf?) This doctor wanted to admit him immediately and “get to work”. She said the fever didn’t concern her. Mom yanked dad outta there and called his regular doctor, who said no way could he have surgery right now. Part of his blood work was also in – anemic, high white blood cells, low hemoglobin, very low blood pressure. I don’t know what that means, but it has doctor even more determined to fight this infection first.

So now my parents are thinking this lady doc is a crackpot. And that now maybe the radiologists aren’t used to seeing someone with insides all mish-mashed like dads are. And that maybe those spots are really scar tissue.

But even his regular doctor recommended a cancer specialist – doesn’t that mean he believes the report? No matter how … whatever, would ANY doctor tell a patient they have a cancer party going on inside their body unless they were absolutely certain??

I feel like my head is going to explode. I spent yesterday numb. I spent today thinking maybe mom and dad are right and there is hope. I have spent this afternoon pulling my head outta the sand, and having that knot creep back into my gut.

Maybe they are just trying to protect us? I know this will crush my mother. Maybe dad’s going along with this ‘theory’ for her sake? He’s usually very open, honest, & rational.

More tests today. More Thursday. Results for everything on Friday. Should be no way to run from the truth after that.

Could mom be right? I’m a ‘need-to-know’ kind of person. I can’t handle this jerking around. I don’t want to get my hopes up that it could be scar tissue they are seeing if that’s not possible.

And thanks for the prayers and positive thoughts. Mean the world to me right now.

Happy Birthday to MB4. What a great gift.

I’ve started this entry a dozen times, but nothing I write seems worthy enough. I guess I’ll simply say that I found out this morning that my dad has cancer. They believe it began in his colon, and has since moved to his liver and his lungs. They aren’t finished running tests, so who knows where else they’ll find it. He’s been sick for two months, but the docs thought it was a sinus infection he couldn’t shake. These docs say it’s his immune system finally breaking down. I typed that last sentence without digesting it. I think I typed this whole damn thing without digesting it.

I don’t know what any of this means yet. I don’t know his odds. I don’t know what treatment options, if any, they will offer. I don’t know what he’ll decide to do in the end. I just know that another nightmare has come true. I don’t know why I’m even surprised anymore.

Better today. The urge to pass out every time someone says bathroom or doctor or pee is pretty much gone. Still stings to piss, but it’s going away slowly. My gawd, I will never go there again.

My sister leaves in the morning to head home. Has been a nice visit. Very informative visit. Found out she ain’t such the little sweetie I thought she was. Or she wasn’t. She’s June Cleaver now.

MD left this morning at 3am. He should be sitting next to his mother, watching his sister dive right about now. I hope he’s having a good time. Really. Not feeling pissy about it at all anymore. Go figure.

And now I must make a run to the pharmacy. How embarrassing that I have 4 prescriptions to pick up. Wonder if they have a shopping bag to put them in.

Had a urology appt today. I probably won’t ever have one of those again.

I was wondering what took place during one of these appts. I thought maybe we would talk and get to know each other first before I was asked to strip. Guess that ain’t how it works. They get right to bizness.

Pelvic scan. Kidney/bladder sonogram. Pelvic x-ray. And then something I didn’t catch. That’s when I had to step outta me britches. She brought in some machine with a huge tv attached to it. Big plastic jug-bag-whatever of fluid swinging. Tubes. More like mini rubber hoses. I didn’t like the look of them, whatever they were.

Of course we know where the tubes were headed, because everyone but me knew this was a something something – or in plain english – a bladder camera. How nice. Little pressure hon. Wrong. How about lots of pain? She stops when my knuckles turn white. Doc enters and she whispers. He takes over and finishes the job – the very fucking painful job of getting that camera tube where it needed to be. Didn’t know it was possible to faint while lying down. Now I know. Ok, I didn’t faint, but shit got all grey there for a minute. Good gawd almighty.

So then we sat back and took a peek-sy at my bladder. Way cool dude. Not. Dum dee dum. I have no idea what the fuck I’m looking at or what he’s looking for. I lay back, stare at the ceiling, and debate whether the infections hurt more or less than this tube.

He tells me that my bladder is a little red, but overall looks good. Then while the sonofabitch is still smiling at me, he does a little twisting action and does his best to kill me from the inside. Then it was over, and I was left to dress and wait for his return. I looked in my purse for a pencil to stick in his dick, but all I had was my lucky pen, and I didn’t want blood on it.

He finally came back and explained my problem. My urethra is too skinny. Or rather, it was. Until he used that there camera tube as a power drill. Said that might have done the trick, but I’m on antibiotic therapy regardless. If I still end up with a UTI, he said we could try stretching it again. I hope the low growl coming from my throat told him what I thought of that idea.

He informs me that I might have a little discomfort from the exam. K.

Ummm. I’m not sure what qualifies as a little discomfort to him, but I’m pissing blood that feels like broken glass. Yanno, kinda like kidney stones. Wouldn’t it be a hoot if I were to black out while pissing, flip off the john, and crack my head on the wall? Sweet geezus. And this is supposed to be better???

I hate starting the morning out like this. Dammit. MD leaves at 3am in the morning for his trip to GA, so he’s hitting the hay very early. I told the boys that meant no Youth (group – teen church) tonight because I didn’t want to drag the little ones out at 9:30pm to pick them up. MB2 didn’t hear me. Or so he says. He never fucking hears me. He never hears anyone. He didn’t hear the drama teacher say that the play was Monday night – until Monday. He didn’t hear that parent teacher conferences were last night – until yesterday. He’s driving me crazy.

So he gets pissy. His friend is already coming over after school like he does every week. My sister’s son really wants to go with them. Why can’t I leave the little ones with dad even if he’s sleeping because MB3 will be awake and it’ll only be a 5 minute trip.

So I get pissy. Stop making plans without asking. My sister didn’t mention her son going to church, so I doubt she knows. I bet she’s not going to drive back into town at 10pm to come get him since she has two little ones that konk out at 8pm. And why should I have to explain shit anyway, this is a busy week, a very busy night getting your dad ready, and I fucking said no.

He shoots me a glare of death and retreats into his brain to plot revenge.

I wanted to pop him upside his head to knock that shitty hateful look off his face. Instead, I got nasty and told him that he wins. He’s going. That his selfish ass can do whatever it wants and we’ll all work around it. That we’ll all pay for his inability to listen and pay attention. That because I didn’t want anyone to suffer from his bad mood all day, everyone can suffer from mine. To not expect shit from me for awhile in terms of favors, and hey – thanks for nothing.

He left here pissed. I’m still pissed. I hate for him to have a bad day, but I’m about done with his shit. Think that hair of his has worn out its welcome. So has that earring. And anything else I can think of that might pull his head outta his ass.

Dear gawd if that doc tells me he’s too borderline ADHD for treatment, I’m going to punch her in the throat.

Feeling mighty fine this morning. MS is here, and the visit is going quite nicely. No, she’s not here right now, I’m not that rude. Besides, then she would know about this blog, and fuck that notion. She’s here in town, and the kids are having a blast. Well, until this morning, when mine had to go back to school. No spring break here. Yeah, I know. But we get out the middle of May, so don’t cry for us Argentina.

Today is the first day I haven’t crawled back into bed after the boys left for school in ….. I don’t know how long. I don’t feel sleepy or exhausted at all. It’s nice to have my quiet, relaxing morning time back. Now if only I could drink coffee like a grown-up, I’d be a fucking commercial.

Kicked Netflix to the curb and signed up for Blockbuster. Very impressed so far, but does it last? Any input? Do they eventually throttle accounts like Netflix does? We’re getting some serious new releases up in this bitch, but that might be because we’re new? Are we being wooed? Should I feel cheap and dirty?

I also saw how utterly nastified my house has become the past few months. Like I have a new pair of eyes or some shit. The old Ang would take the new Ang out back and shoot her. I cannot believe I’ve let people come over with it looking this way. Going to fix that right now.

Damn, it feels good to ….. feel good. I hope it lasts.

Fuck. I told myself that it wouldn’t bother me. That I wouldn’t let it bother me. It’s just a damn tv show. Right?

So why did I feel an electric zap run through my body when I saw Tony’s face on an ad?? And why the sudden punch to my gut when I realized we no longer had HBO?

Think I’m going to be sick.

MG woke up this morning with pink cheeks. Told me she needed medicine for a fever, which she did. Smart girl. Nothing else seems to be wrong.

School called this afternoon to tell me that MB1 probably has pink eye and I needed to come fetch him straight away please. Doc must confirm either way, and he must be cleared before returning to school. Good times. I asked him last night if he was smoking The Reefer ’cause his eyes were tore up. Pass that mother of the year award over here please.

I can’t shake this sinus infection STILL. I have an ear ache that makes me want to curl up and cry. And now I get yet another UTI that pops a Do Not Pass Go card and went right for my kidneys. My back hurts. My stomach is queasy. I have a nice fever. My head is slightly dizzy. I have an appt for 9am tomorrow. If I’m still alive.

———

I’ve been rather lax about having Binky fixed. Boots already had his balls yanked off, so I was in no rush.

She’s now in heat. She’s now trying to mate with every shoe in the house. She’s no longer walking on four legs, but rather low crawling through the house with her hoo-haa in the air as an invite to any and all passer-by’s.

It’s day 3, and so far I have managed to pass her behavior off as one helluva good mood. I thought. MB4 just ran up here to tell me that his older brothers told him what was wrong with her.

Fuck

MM: …. ……. …… What?
MB4: she wants to get married

The boys can live, but that bitch is getting fixed this weekend.

The new insurance definitely does not allow for MB4’s speech therapy. Nice. Speech gal said we can work something out so that he can get at least a visit or two a month. Also said to call if I need help with anything. Good thing, as there are a few issues we are working on with him right now. He asked us what “before” was. Can you imagine how fucking confused this kid has had to be all his life if he didn’t know what this word meant? And he’s only now old enough to start realizing that he needs to ask us the definition.

And how do you explain before anyway?

MM: You put your underwear on before your pants.
MB4: Oh, so it means first.
MM: ……..
MM: You put your socks on before your shoes but after your underwear and pants.

MB4 nodded his head and said Ok. Just like that, he gets it now. Or seems to. This took place at dinner, and there was a helluva lot of light bulbs going on around the table. One simple question explained more to those brothers about what MB4 goes through daily than anything I could ever say to them. Now to see if they keep it in mind when dealing with him. Yeah. Right.

We also figured out that he didn’t understand what today meant. He had a general idea, but was thinking more along the lines of soon. It explained his screeching fits over when things were going to take place because he didn’t understand (or listen, as we thought) the first time we told him. I just happened to walk into a heated discussion between MD and MB4 about this, and I ’saw’ it for the first time. How he didn’t get it. I told him that today meant this day – before we go to bed. And again, he nodded and said ok. Fight over. That’s all he wanted to know. MD was just sort of speechless. It’s so damn hard trying to parent a child that doesn’t understand key parts of the conversation, yet they seem to, and so you assume they do.

Fine time to take away his SPEECH therapy. Fuckers.

Oh, and comments are open again. Mood is on the rise. For now anyway.

Haven’t said that in awhile. Haven’t felt like taking them.

But as I edited these this morning, I started to feel better. I could see the season changing. In the photos. And I can hear the thunderstorm outside right now. And I can read the weather forecast for 60s and 65s. I know it’s coming. I know spring is on the way, and there’s no stopping it. Every year it kills me to wait for it, but this time its arrival actually feels life-saving.

I can handle no more dark winter.

Past few days have sorta whirled by. Fine, not fine, not fine at all, holy shit I’m not sure I can do this again… and that one’s scary – can we do this again? Can he? ‘Cause he’s the one that will hold the walls up as I try to knock them down. He stepped aside the last time, but he wasn’t in the know the last time. He claims he is now. I think I am now. Maybe that’s why this is so maddening. It’s like someone telling the rich guy that all these years those people only liked him for his money. He’ll never look at another relationship the same way again. He’ll never trust himself. Or anyone else. He’ll never really know what’s live or memorex. He’ll wish he was still ignorant to the truth.

Thing is I’m not sure what I am right now. I’m still wondering if maybe some weird high has crept in the middle of a depression? Is it possible to experience both at once? That might explain the fucking cyclone going on in my mind. Tailspin anyone? Gawd. I’m either up and at ‘em by 6am, or I spend the day on the couch debating on whether or not the kids can eat marshmallows for lunch just this once. I feel happy and snappy and excited that I might actually be able to sit and write here a bit, and then some fuckeroo creeps in and pisses on my parade, and I no longer have the mental energy to lift my fingers to the keyboard. I spend half my day listing the reasons why I was better off without the pills, and the other half remembering those other not-so-better-off days. The ones that destroyed us.

Anyway. Don’t mean to worry anyone. I haven’t completely gone off the deep end. Something keeps reeling me back in before I slip away.

Currently, it’s Cheezits.

Few good days. Few great days. Then something explodes and it reverses and I can do nothing but watch it slip away.

Let’s play a little game to lighten the mood. It’s called…..Holy Hell I Can’t Believe I Have That Song in my Music Library, and Worse – That I Can’t Bring Myself To Delete It.

Name 10 the worst of these gems for us all to giggle and smirk about.
I’ll go find mine ….

Sweet – Love is like Oxygen
John Waite – Missing You
Michael Bolten – ummm, I have more than one.
Scandal – The Warrrior
Prince – When Doves Cry
Chaka Khan – I Feel for You
Atlantic Star – Always
Christopher Cross – Ride Like the Wind
Flock of Seagulls – I Ran
Golden Earring – Radar Love
Hall & Oates – Maneater
Kajagoogoo – Too Shy
Men Without Hats – We Can Dance If We Want To
Mr Mister – Broken Wings
Paula Abdul – Straight Up ….. I’m going straight to hell for this one
Peter Cetera – Next Time I Fall
Sade – Smooth Operator
Salt-n-Pepa – Push It
Sheena Easton – For Your Eyes Only
Tears for Fears – Shout
Teena Marie – Lovergirl
The Fixx – Red Skies at Night
Corey Hart – Sunglasses at Night

Damn, just need to add Careless Whisper and the set’d be complete, eh? Gawd.

I’d like to go back to the days I had carpet through out the house please. And go ahead and do it up right. Kitchen and all. Not one inch of bare floor anywhere. Then I could at least pretend not to see the utter fucking filth that accumulates daily on the floor in this house.

Gag. Serious gag.