Made it home. MS’s MIL is driving in to replace me, and her dh is still home from work for a bit longer. She’s up and around, just slowly, and very tired. She’s very optimistic, which is good. They put her into the ’system’ on Wednesday, and that’s when they think her chest tube might come out. That’s giving her the most trouble right now, so I hope so.

I’m just glad to be home in time for MB4’s appt tomorrow. But I look like walking death, so I’d better hop in the tub before MD gets home and wishes I’d stayed the fuck away.

And might I add that dial up sucks hairy donkey balls….

Think tomorrow is the day. Her IVs are out, she’s walking around, eating solids, pissing on her own. I plan on leaving here Thursday as MD got a call from MB4’s advocate guy saying he could get us squeezed in to some assessment thingy on Friday if possible. He knows what’s going on, and said if we can make it, fine – if not – fine.
I don’t think I’ve ever been this tired. I honestly don’t. Maybe basic training? Maybe childbirth? Yeah, that tired. Royally exhausted. That 12-14 hour drive home should be pleasant. gads…

MS had a rough night/day. Got up to see her this afternoon. She has a main line in her neck – pumping her full of vitamin fluids for nourishment. She’s gained 20 pounds since Tuesday. Efuckinggads. Big note on her door says weigh daily. No shit. She is up and walking around some, but can’t keep up with the constant pissing, so they gave her back the piss bag. Lovely. It’s also thrown her sugars off, so she’s getting insulin shots throughout the day, and they are monitoring her circulation. She has some weird dots on her feet.

She asked if I brought bacon, and then pointed to her hair. Think that’s her way of showing her displeasure over the no washing of the hair rule. Musn’t risk a cold at this stage in the game.

They had punctured her lung during the surgery, [ok, wtf - this tv just turned on by itself. i'm about to freak the fuck out...] anyway – she had a chest tube for something or another afterward. A big one. Then it didn’t do what it was supposed to do or whatever the hell, as her lung collapsed today. So now she has a tiny chest tube that will come home with her when she is discharged. Think it will get removed when her staples come out.

She still isn’t on solids, but I guess you’d call it semi-solids. Hopefully, she gets to feeling better tomorrow and they bring on the real food. Tomorrow isn’t looking too good for the discharge either. And from the way she looked today, I won’t be headed home when she gets out until I know she can at least function.
I’m tired as shit. Been a long day.

I guess tomorrow she starts on solids. She did real good today. Walked the ward several times, yada yada. I’m glad she’s doing better. They should let her out Monday. I’ll make sure she’s ok and her husband is still off from work next week.

Doc said the rest of the colon sample was clear? Meaning it hadn’t spread ‘that’ way? But, out of the 16 nodes they removed, the cancer was in 8 of them. Not sure what that means. Not sure I want to. How do they know if it’s spread throughout to the rest of the lymph nodes in the body? How will they know when they get it all? Will they ever really know for sure? I don’t like this shit.Any insight would be appreciated. I said I don’t want to know – but I do.

Talked to MS today. Said they started her on solids this morning, so that’s good – right? Actually going to go out with the 5 little ones and brave Walmart. Have GOT to find something for these heathens to do inside. Too damn hot for the wee one to go out, as he howls the moment sweat hits his brow. Real manly man there. I’m thinking playdoh and paints and chalkboards. What the fuck. It’s not my carpet.

I keeeeeed I keeeeed.

Or maybe it’s just that nyquil kicking in. My cousin will be here tomorrow. She lives in Hicksville with me, and she’s very close to my sister. Her daughter is one day older than MG, so that should help out a lot. Although, she also has a two year old and a seven month old. Busy gal. Crazy gal. She’s only staying a day or two.

The cingular cell phone wake-up alarm with Samba Party ring tone.
So fucking obnoxious, it’s the only alarm clock you’ll ever need.

MB2’s birthday is tomorrow. He’ll be 13. We already had his real birthday ‘party’ before we left, but I am making some cupcakes and shit for him tomorrow and whatever else I can think of to make his day special. Poor kid. He was supposed to have a cool pool party. We’ll see if the funds allow for that still after this ordeal is over. MB3’s is in two weeks – same pool party promises. Same pool party woes. They’ve already told me that it’s ok, but cancer and the problems it causes can suck my fat hairy ass right about now.

BTW, we got MB2 an electric guitar for his birthday – anyone know of any links I can send him that will help him out? Still need to swing by and get the amp and whatever else he needs to go with it, and I assume he’ll need lessons of some sort, but I thought maybe there were things out on the web that he might be able to use as well.

Ok, I think the wee one is eating rabbit tootsie rolls. I must depart.

And no. No new news on my sister. Except that her pain med mixer is working overtime.

Not much to update. They’ve got MoodySister baked out of her mind to ease the pain, so it might be a few days before the docs even come around to talk to them. I think they are waiting for the results anyway. Doc said he knew just from looking at the lymph nodes that it had spread, but he needed something or another done to determine the extent? Then he’ll know more on how they need to proceed.
I’ve stumbled upon the best diet ever. Shrivel your guts up to the size of a pea over some horrible news, and then spend every waking moment on your feet taking care of one emergency or another, and you’ll find that you are just flat out too fucking tired to eat anything. I’ve lost 3 lbs in 4 days. That’s what I’m talking about.Friend told me last night to have faith. Then she sucked in her breath. She knew that almost immediately that I would be going through that again. The that being where you get pissy with God when shit like this happens and you question your faith and since my faith is blowing in the breeze on any given day anyway, it’s pretty damn paper thin at times like this. I told her it wasn’t even worth fighting over. Then today, as I washed my millionth load of laundry, I realized that in order to be pissed at God, you must believe in God. Otherwise, why be pissed? Right? Warning: This isn’t the time to step in and remind me of God’s Plan for my sister – how I need to trust and believe – how things work out like they are supposed to – or any of that shit – just a tip. I’m still plenty pissed. I’m pissed at the world right now, and nothing’s likely to change that anytime soon. But since everyone else is a crying crumbled heap of shit right now, I have little choice but to harden up and do what needs to be done for MS’s sake – and being pissed will enable me to do that. ] If I didn’t believe, or at least didn’t want to believe, then it wouldn’t bother me so much I think. Dunno, just shit I ponder while toiling away the day.

And now it’s time for bed. My day begins early and it lasts longer than I ever thought possible, but I want to thank everyone for the kind words and support and prayers – I cannot put into words how much it means to me.

I just spoke with MM and she asked me to come here and give an update. MM’s sister is out of surgery now. Her husband spoke with the doctor briefly and the news is not so good. According to MM the cancer is stage 3, the doctor feels that he got it all and that it has not spread to her other organs. They are still testing the lymph nodes.

As you can imagine, this is very difficult news to receive so please keep MM and her sister in your thoughts and prayers. MM is holding up the best she can but it’s her sister- of course she is upset.

The family is hoping to get together with the doctor and get a more detailed report and a plan of action together soon. Right now it is a lot of “what if” and up in the air speculation as her sister’s husband was not able to speak long with the doctor.

If I do not hear back from MM by tonight, I will give her a call in the morning to find out more. I am not sure if she will be back online or not as the dial up is slow and her nerves are very shaky right now. She appreciates all of the emails, comments and kind words that she has received so far.

~Michelle

Made it here. Trip sucked. Half the kids have stomach bug. Other are car sick kind of folks. 14 hours of hell.

Sister is in surgery right now. Prayers are appreciated. She’s in good spirits. Docs are optimistic.

Dial up is brutal hell. Watching 8 kids sucks royal ass munchies. Klonopin is my new best friend.

Thanks to Michelle for the updates, and for all of you for giving a shit about me and my family. It means the world to me.

Moody Mama’s sister has her surgery tomorrow (6/21). I know that they would both appreciate any prayers, positive thoughts and good vibes that you all have to spare. MM was not sure if she would have a chance to hop on real quick to give any updates or not but if I hear anything, I will be sure to post here and let you all know.

So here’s to wishing MM’s sister lots of hope and a full recovery…

~Michelle

Leaving at 5:30am. Michelle has the keys. Send all the good mojo you can muster.

Be good. Take care.

Appointments have all been pushed, medication is stocked, supplies are bought, trip is routed – I load up tomorrow, and head out Saturday morning at the asscrack of dawn. Taking the youngest 3 and MB2 along so MD won’t have to miss work. MB2 wants to go as my sister’s oldest is his best friend – plus he’ll be a huge help to me on the 12-14 hour car ride. gads….. I’m guessing we’ll be there 2-3 weeks.

So, how’s the weather in TN anyway?

Tests didn’t reveal much. Said he’s waiting on something else to come in, but the surgery is scheduled for Tuesday. I’ll be headed over there this weekend. She’ll be in the hospital for 5-6 days, so I’ll probably stay a few weeks so she has help while she recovers. He also wants her to have a few blasts of chemo, but he didn’t set a time frame for that. Not sure how soon after surgery that can take place, or if I even need to be there for it? He said they’ve come a long way in terms of relief from the side effects?

So much shit to do in the next few days. Not sure I’ll be around much. Take care.

My sister should already be done with her tests by now. They are supposedly rushing to get them read, then faxing over the results to the oncology team, then meeting with her all this morning. So, we should know the game plan by early afternoon.

Vet called and gently told us that KitKat should be put down tonight. She had a really rough day, and he didn’t think it was right to keep her suffering like that. We agreed.

Then we lied through our teeth to the kids – all of them. Said that she was going to need long term care and the vet wanted to keep her so he could provide the help she was going to need. They bought it, they’ll sleep at night, and someday I will be able to as well.

Thanks for the thoughts.

Oh, and when we thanked him for everything he’d done and asked what we owed him – he said $30. Cost of supplies only. Very kind man.

I ran flowers up to Shawn’s grave today. It’s been 5 years since he died. It was harder than usual, knowing that my sister is about to begin her own battle. I made the respectful drive around to the other family members and family friends that are buried there, and realized that all but one have died battling cancer. I feel as though we’re being stalked.

I think I’m going to take a klonopin.

MD went to see her last night. Said she was trying to stand, but one leg doesn’t seem to know what to do. Was still an improvement over before. She was actually trying to eat (wet) food. Still playing the wait and see game, as no one really knows the extent of her head injuries and/or the long term effects from the trauma, but so far so good. She’s come a long way from the night I sat holding her praying she would just let go and stop her suffering. I feel horrible about that now.

I wish these promising progress reports from the vet would stop the horrible playback that runs over and over when I close my eyes at night.

My sister was the good girl. She never drank in high school. Never partied or dabbled in drugs. She’s never smoked. She eats right, she works out, she stays fit.

I’ve lived my life like Fish from Barney Miller.

Life’s a crock of shit.

My sister has had trouble with bleeding for awhile, but the doctors would tell her it was fine. That it was simply internal ‘roids from a rough childbirth or that it was her imagination. It’s gone on for almost 5 years now. Off and on, of course, and never anything really severe – until recently. She finally found a doc that listened, and he discovered a polyp in her colon – the largest he’d ever seen.

He removed it, and reassured her everything would be fine. He honestly thought the results would come back as benign. But they didn’t. Not only were there cancer cells – the whole sample was cancerous. 100%. Which leads everyone to wonder if it has spread to the lining and beyond. She is to drink some barium stuff the next two days, and has some more tests on Wednesday. They are supposedly checking her kidneys, liver, and lymph nodes. They’ll decide how to proceed after that.

What a shitty week.

Colon cancer. We’ll know more next week Wednesday when she meets with the specialist.

She’s fucking 30 years old.

My sister had some tests run last week. The kind where no news is good news or you might get a postcard in the mail that awards you a clean bill and warns of their bill and tells you to have a good day. Except she got a phone call this morning to come in today at 3 o’clock. So, if you could, please send a positive thought her way today as well.

I’m off to fill in an even lower oval on my mood chart…..

Vet said that she was reacting much better as he was working with her today. Not sure what that means, but he said to give it a few more days. So, we wait. And we wait just as we did before – holding our breath. C’mon kitkat.

If you pray, please send up a few for the kitty we decided to keep. There was an accident tonight, and things aren’t looking too good for her. The vet is going to give it a few days and see what happens.

MB4 was on his way to the kitchen and saw her eating in the laundry room. He leaned over the gate to give her head a quick scratch, but the gate wasn’t tightened. It gave and he toppled over on top of it – and her. MB1 hopped up immediately, hollering and screaming that he hadn’t tightened the gate…. then MB2 hopped up and I heard all three of them shrieking. She was hurt pretty bad.

I moved the kids to the living room and MB4 was hysterical. Kept saying over and over how sorry he was and how it was an accident and how he killed the kitty. Then MB1 was hysterical and saying how sorry he was and how it was his fault. I sat them all down on the couch and started in about how accidents happen and how it’s just her tail that got squished and she’s going to be fine but we might find a new home for her where all the cats have no tails so she feels at home. I absolutely cannot have MB4 thinking that he was responsible for killing an animal. He wouldn’t be able to handle that – not at all. If I must lie and say it was only a minor injury, then lie I will.

MD took her to the vet, and the kids all fell asleep before he got back. I now have to decide what to tell the older boys tomorrow. Give them hope – maybe false hope? Go ahead and lie and make it all better? I can still hear them all screaming in my head. Maybe I can get MD to lie to me and make it all better.

Send a good thought to kitkat please.

Comments are all fucked up – I think. Spam has taken over, and I really don’t have the mental ability to do anything about it right now. I’ll tend to it later. For now, forgive me if shit don’t work.

Repeat after me:

You know what they say about __________ – if you don’t like the weather, wait 5 minutes.

Insert your state/city/town into the blank, say it out loud once, and then never say that shit again. At least not in front of me. Everyone says that. Every fucking state cops that line as its own. I hate it. It’s tired. Stop saying it. I’m going to pop you if you say it. Or piss on you. My choice.

No, I’m not about to bolt from my home. I’m not about to tie up my children and throw them in the closet, although I will admit that even toying with the idea has brought a rare smile to my face. I’m not even in a bad mood. Not really.

I’m anxious. I’m anticipating the arrival of something that doesn’t appear to be coming. I’ve been picking up the signs the past week that it’s time for me to fly again, yet I’m still very much grounded. That leads to a restlessness way down deep in the unscratchable areas of my soul, and it’s driving me mad.

I try to smile and pretend that I give a damn about anything anyone says, but only the self-absorbed don’t seem to smell the bullshit. Because I don’t care. Not right now. It’s hard to hide that.

Or maybe it is coming. Maybe that’s why every nerve in my body is at attention. Why every sense is heightened and yet slurred at the same time. Why I can’t seem to concentrate or focus or sit still for more than two seconds at a time. Maybe I’m not pacing while I wait, but rather pacing because it’s already here.

———-

Bit calmer now. Took a drive in the rain and had ice cream for lunch. Fuck a diet.

You stand there at the edge and wait for the rush to carry you into the wind. It’s the ability to fly that always — always — comes to take you away. But it doesn’t this time. Or the next – or the next. And each time it hammers down harder and harder into your brain that as long as you stay medicated, it might never come back. How long before the sadness wins – and instead of waiting to fly, you stand at the edge – and just fucking jump.

Everyone is on my nerves today. I don’t want to be bothered. I don’t want to be here.

MB4 has a new hobby – collecting numbers. Or data. Whatever. He made a chart of the numbers up to 21, and is checking off every instance he can find of those numbers. Like seeing the number 72 on MB1’s pants – 7 gets a check, 2 gets a check.

He’s looking for these numbers everywhere. He has to collect these numbers, or else he’ll ….. I don’t know…. die or something. It’s that fucking important. He’s filled up 4 pages so far, he’s just discovered that the digital clock spits out a different combo if he’ll just wait a bit, and the night is young.

I’m not medicated enough to deal with this shit.

Slowly starting to feel better. MB2 and MG are sick as hell too. I started that no carb shit on Sunday, but that didn’t last once I started heaving at the thought of anything but bread/toast. Might give it another go once I’m feeling better. Might not. I’m absolutely disgusted with myself, but absolutely nothing is working fast enough for me to give it a chance before I hop on to something else. Have never dealt with this wild ride called weight loss before. I don’t like it.

Maybe I’ll take a walk before it starts storming….

for everyone that uttered the word pregnant, give each other 50 lashings across your bare asses with a wet noodle.

I’m going to crawl back off to my corner again……

Found out why my tummy felt queasy. And why I just didn’t feel like eating dinner last night. And why I was too damn tired to finish the movie. Ok, well I don’t know anything for sure, but I have two boys upstairs that are moaning about their tummies and want nothing but sleep and water and rest. Must be nice. I have the regional center guy showing up here in 10 minutes.

One of these days I’ll get to actually be sick when I’m sick…

The wee kitties have been adopted by a family with wee kitties of their own. Actually, the mama kitty adopted the wee ones as her own. Mucho relief. As well, one of the manx kitties caught this gal’s attention, and she asked if they could add her to the mix as well. Since we were never really sure what the game plan was for them anyway, we said yes. That leaves us with one kitty, and if she’s ours for the long haul, so be it.

So why does my tummy feel queasy when I think about the other one? Dammit.

[Just realized that I've never explained the kitty's story. Or if I have, I damn sure can't find it. MD found them at work. He found homes for 3, we ended up taking the last two. The deal was to half-heartedly find them a home. If we did, fine. If we didn't, fine. Doesn't feel so fine anymore.]

Someone have any idea why that paypal sign is as big as my head over there on the sidebar? Good golly. I’ll get it fixed – sooner or later. Probably later, considering how pissed off it’s made me the past hour.

My mother called about an hour ago. Said someone dropped off tiny kitties in her fence. Dad is out of town, and she’s simply helpless on her own, so it’s us to figure out a solution. MD was to head on over there and see if the mama cat was staked out in the back garage. Instead, he calls and I get one word — wow. That was to describe to me how tiny they are. He guesses maybe 4 weeks. They all are on their way home as I type this. Guess I better get gussied up. I need to run out and get more kitty cat supplies. Anyone want a cat?

Still getting everything figured out, but for now, you can click on the Light the Night logo over on the sidebar, and it will take you to the donation page.

Many thanks….

Our family has put together a team for the local Light the Night fundraising walk for blood cancers. Some of you know that one of my best friends died 5 years ago from non-hodgkins lymphoma, and that cancer in general haunts our family – so this cause is very important to me. The walk is in September, and we’re all going to sign the team banner and send it to my friend’s parents so that know how much their son meant to us – to me.

I have spent the past few weeks wondering how I would post this. I have said a million times that I would never ask for money on this blog, and even though this is different, it still rubs me the wrong way.

So, I thought maybe I could offer something in exchange for donations, but what? Robyn uses boobies, Michele writes stories – I have nothing. Once upon a time, I might have been able to throw together a lame blog design, but I don’t have the time nor the energy to do that anymore.

I thought about using cafepress, and donating all the profits – at least that way there’d be something tangible to show for the donation, but what to put on the goods? I’m so damn lame, I don’t have some snazzy catch phrase to use. Nor the creativity to think of one. Or maybe I could use the Light The Night logo? Combo of MoodyMama and LTN? I don’t know – someone help me out here.

Anyhow – I’ll be figuring something out soon enough, and I’ll throw up a link to the donation page on the sidebar in case someone wants to help out. I’d appreciate it.

I just dropped off my oldest son for his first day as a volunteer at the hospital. On the way, we talked about his upcoming year as a freshman, keeping his head on straight when it comes to girls and sex and grades and partying, and how it’s important more now than ever that he knows he can come talk to us about anything.

I know tonight we’ll sit around watching movies while he releases toxic gas so raunchy you could chew on it, I’ll threaten to ground him 47 times for provoking his siblings, and he’ll probably hide in the bathroom closet so he can pop out and scare the living shit out of me after the scary movie – but at this very moment, I’m starting to think that we might have done an ok job raising him after all.

This should give a clear understanding of just how long a year and a half is.

Last February, I met a woman through her comment on this blog whose husband had just left for a deployment to Afghanistan. Not a day has gone by that I haven’t thought of them both, hoping and praying for his safe return.

Seems that day is almost upon us, as I’m pleased to read that he’s on his way home. Please hop on over and post a welcome home message for Mr. Tink. He should be home the beginning of next week, and the official I’veLostMyFuckingMindBecauseMySpouseIsFinallyComingHome phase has begun for Mrs. Tink. They’ve both earned my respect for their strength and my gratitude for their service and sacrifice.

As it turns out, they happen to live less than an hour up the road from me, and I’d be extremely honored to someday meet them both in person. Although I have a funny feeling they won’t be accepting visitors for awhile….

I want a smoke. No particular reason, I just want one. Very much badly.