Still more to add, but I figured I’d show what I have for now. I’ll holler when I add more.

Holy Shit – It’s nice outside. It’s a tad bit muggy, but gorgeous all the same. It’s going to be 80° today (October 29th – 80°!!), and the kids are out of school. Think we’ll bake those cookies later. Like after I turn on the fucking air conditioner.

Maybe we can head out to the park or find a new path to walk. Take some pictures. Would be nice to be able to take more than 11 fucking pictures before the memory card starts whining, but my time to pop for a new one will come soon enough. Just let me grumble about it a bit.

Two little ones are way off on their sleep schedules. Probably my fault. I can’t sleep, so they can’t sleep. Except I can’t get their little asses up in the morning, which just perpetuates the cycle. Maybe I should be trying to find safe ways to make myself sleepy, while readjusting them back to normal this weekend. I don’t feel tired, but 3-4 hours of shitty sleep just makes the headache monster that much more vicious. What an odd phrase.

I’m off to change. Starting to sweat my ass off.

My oldest son is probably in St Louis by now. I’m so glad that baseball shit is over. I hope the city is behaving itself tonight. He’ll be there three days. I need a cigarette.

Had the rest of the conferences last night. Speech problems and ADD issues and social blunders aside – they are all still doing very well in school. Would have 4 on the honor roll if kindergarten gave out real grades. She said he’s a excellent student – as long as he understands the instructions. And MB3 made high honor roll, and his teacher branded him as her best student ever. Damn proud of all 4. Damn proud.

I’ve decided to not do anything right now – about me. Sorta. I think. Maybe. Real fucking powerhouse of decision making skills over here, eh?

I made The Announcement to the spousal unit, that I was not going to use family cash to pay out of network costs to take care of this – yet. Not while I am still in this limbo in-between stage anyway. He wasn’t too thrilled with The Announcement. He’s not as convinced that I can garner enough control when whatever it is slips behind the wheel.

I was directed to produce a list. A guideline of sorts. Something that he can use to help establish some sort of baseline. He wants to know the possible signs to watch for, compare them to what he sees now, and decide for himself whether I am ok enough to continue as is for awhile.

But uhh – I have no fucking clue what’s wrong yet. Not really. Hunches don’t make it so. And as of right now this very minute, other than a brain that I can’t seem to fucking shut off, I’m fine….

Hell…….I’m not comfortable admitting something is wrong because it only feels wrong sometimes. How is one supposed to get help when their own brain says no fucking way? I have spent the past two days in a grand debate with myself – half of which says I’m rightrightright as rainrainrain and I should just shut the fuck up about this doctor business, and the other half that says get help right now before I lose what’s left of the awareness that shit isn’t right upstairs.

Does that make any fucking sense at all? I didn’t think so.

Moving on…..

I’m halfway done with the pictures. Should be able to post them this weekend.

MB2 was diagnosed borderline ADD when he was younger. Life was hell back then trying to get that boy to do anything. Then it got a little better. Then it got shitty again. Then better. And now I’m about to pull my fucking hair out. We’re back at square one. Square one. I’m still trying to chew and swallow the shit on my plate as it is – I wasn’t looking for another helping.

I know I know – quit yer bitchin’

Teachers are back to sending home notes. Forgetful-ness. Absentmind-edness. TalkyTalky. ChattyChatty. Fidgety. Flighty. Spacey. Oh my.

Conferences tonight. Egads. He’s back to Bs and Cs. From the Rose award to Bs and Cs. What am I doing wrong with him now? Or what is different in his life? Why does he swing like this? Why now?

We talk. We talk every day. Such a good kid – a damn good kid. Just a RoyalSpaceCadet – and he knows it. He put his contacts in the wrong eyes this morning – wanna know how? Huh? Huh? Wanna know? I’ll tell ya – he said the case was screwed up this morning. The blue side was on his left.

……….
……….

I’m letting that sink in……

You with me? Yeah, that little case that holds his contacts was laying on the counter wrong. Yes, I know that he placed it on the counter that way, but try telling him that. Maybe I should be checking his fucking shoes in the mornings.

Ok, that was harsh. But damn. He’s 12. He does this shit all the time. Just when I smile and sigh that relieved sigh because the ADD seems to be a thing of the past – he’s back to taking 3 hours to finish a worksheet. One worksheet. 3 hours – I’m not kidding. Well, wait – from 3:15 until 5:45 – close enough. And I literally had to stand over him threatening his life the last 15 minutes so we could leave for his conference.

Ok, so I know that this is just something we need to work on right now, but how? I about went batshit crazy the last time he had big problems like this. Tonight’s phrase that pays was lack of focus – but how do I help him get it back? Any tips or tricks or exercises that will help? I’ll try anything, but I don’t see the need for medical intervention – not yet anyway. I won’t let his grades go to total shit before I consider them, but I would like to try other methods first. Any ideas would be appreciated.

I found a note to myself to play along with the photo thingy that I saw around blogtown awhile back.

Think of 3 pictures you’d like to see. Leave whatever you’d like to see in the comments. Things around my house, or whatever… something I can take a picture of easily. Once I have enough requests, I’ll start posting them.

So lay it on me. My camera is ready and waiting. But no requests for butt shots – I don’t have a wide angle lens.

I’m not pinging. I don’t think so anyway. Am I?

What do I put down -and where- in order to ping?

[Later]

K – I just did it manually. What a PITA. Help me please.

Dammit. Think I’ve finally figured out this so-called anxiety shit. It’s not a social disorder. I’m not afraid of people. I’m afraid of talking to people. Big difference. Rushing out for now, but I needed to jot this down to remind me to explore it later. My mind just fucking zooms and zooms lately. I know I’ll forget.

[Later}

I didn’t end up leaving. I don’t like to drive when I’m like this. Actually, I don’t like to drive my children when I’m like this. That’s how fucking serious I am about what is happening. It’s very real. I hope I’m not losing my mind. No matter how it sounds.

Anyfuckingway – I think I’m figuring this out. I sat down and really thought about the times I am most ….. so-called anxious? It’s not about being around people – it’s about talking to people. I don’t give two shits about being around people, as long as the chances of conversation are slim to none. Why? I stole this, but it sums it up exactly….

What is the anxiety of bipolar disorder like? Patients describe it as “agitation”, and sometimes that is quite obvious: their foot bounces on the floor while we talk; they pick at their nails; sometimes they can’t even bear to sit still and will get up and pace around the office during our interview. But sometimes the agitation is only “inside”: patients experience “too much energy inside my skin”, like they’re going to “explode”, and usually their thoughts are going very fast (sometimes called “racing thoughts”). However, when this is severe, people may not experience that fast thinking, but instead just an extremely disorganized thinking — not being able to keep their mind on one thing for more than a few seconds, not being able to accomplish anything. Of course that can make “anxiety” worse as people recognize that they are really ill with something that is not obvious to anyone else, yet they are not really functioning either. How do you explain that to someone?

That’s it. I can’t talk to people, because my brain fucking goes haywire, and starts firing off the rest of the conversation and my mouth can’t keep up. At some point, I just stop talking while I try to sort through the ramblings in my head, trying to find my ‘place’, and I get lost. Then I realize I’m standing there mid-sentence, and I get frustrated and humiliated. Then I bawl. Or get pissed. Or leave. So wouldn’t it be natural that I just avoid the risk of it altogether? Makes sense to me.

But there’s another part. And it’s very hard to explain this without sounding insane, but I’m going to try. Then I’m going to print this out and take it with me. Then I won’t have to talk to the doc. He can just read and leave me the fuck out of it. Let me dream.

We’ve all been in the position where someone asks you what you think of their…..say their new blouse. Let’s say you tell her that it looks wonderful, but in your mind, you’re saying OMHell the crack you must smoke – burn that bitch. Well, you’d never say that out loud – or maybe you would, but let’s pretend that you wouldn’t for a second. Maybe it’s your wife and your sex life for the next 4 years depends on a correct answer.

Now let’s say you suffer a brain explosion while talking to her about this blouse. A million thoughts whip through your mind, and suddenly – you realize that the words you are ‘allowed’ to say are mixed in with the words you ’shouldn’t’ say, but you have lost the ability to tell the difference. You are terrified – but not only because you can’t trust yourself to answer her, but that you are starting to wonder what the fuck is wrong with you. You start to wonder who’s in the driver’s seat. Who’s steering the plane. Because it obviously isn’t you. What has happened to your filters? The ones that automatically sort shit in your head and prevent you from doing or saying things that aren’t acceptable or allowed? That’s fucking scary – I don’t care who you are. That’s what happening here, and it goes way beyond a fucking blouse discussion. It’s not just about an electrified existance and the need to gogogo and dododo – it’s a helluva lot more.

And wouldn’t ya know it? The folks that want to can and want to help don’t take bluecross. Figures.

The first quarter of school is already over. Conferences this week.
Last week of soccer till spring. Thank gawd.
Wee one is starting to crawl. Time to dig out the gates.
MG went 6 days without her binky and then found one – dammit.
MB4 is doing very well in school – only troubles are social based. Working on that.
MB3 has to start speech therapy next week. And here we just thought he had an accent.
MB2 made first string on the football team, and quit ‘cuz he hated it. Still pondering that one.
MB1 leaves for St Louis Thursday on a school field trip. I will be a fucking basket case.

That’s my boring ass update.
I now have a date with some arthritis cream and some motrin.
Don’t be jealous.

Doesn’t look as red as it really is. Maybe I’ll take more pics later.

I’m still not very good company. I don’t know why. I only know I’d rather bite, smack, punch, or scream than chitchat right now. Hopefully the doc can wave her magic wand and life will get back to normal.

Ok, so technically this is normal for me, but I mean the regular normal. Like regular normal people.