Oh, and Happy Blogiversary to me – or whatever the hell you call it.

I’m not in the mood to throw around some sappy shit about much this blog has helped me or how much everyone I’ve met through it means to me – it did, and you do.

Have a safe and happy new year. Throw back a few for me, would ya?

What a crock of shit. Not even a tiny twinge.

My labors are usually quick, but I’m not seeing a snowball’s chance in hell of having this baby tonight in time for anything. He’s awful lucky that he’ll be worth the wait.

I’m off to find something to catheterize myself with.

2-3cm, 75% effaced, head is ‘right there’, AND he stripped those membranes good

Whoofuckinghoo!! Bring it on baby new year!

Doc appt in two hours. Finally a cervical check. I’ve come to terms with the possibility that I haven’t had any progress at all – so I won’t kill the doc if he confirms it.

I think this baby has his eye on January. Would make sense now that I think about it. Other kiddos are __/Feb/Mar & Jun/Jul/Aug. Even a three year old could tell you that Jan fills in the blank.

But attention smallest kiddo of mine: tomorrow is January. You can come tomorrow. You can start heading your way out tonight. I will shine an effin flashlight to guide your way if need be. I think I have been more than patient by letting you choose your date of birth. I’m still willing to do so – but only if you pick the 1st. It’s not that I don’t enjoy toting you around, but I have a head cold and this makes me very congested. And if I have to spend one more night coughing/pissing/changing – I’ll be buying a one-way ticket to the fruit loop farm. I can’t take it anymore, so kindly start making your way OFF my bladder and into the sunshine. The new year is ready and waiting.

I’m bored

Feel better after a bath. Hopefully it’s just a head cold. Timing still sucks.

Kids go back to school Monday. They might not be alive by then.

OB appt and cervical check tomorrow. Uttering the words ‘locked up tight’ could get the OB killed.

I have cleaned and sorted and decluttered this entire house in an attempt to trick the wee one into thinking that I was nesting. Didn’t work.

Mario Party 5 is not like the others. I don’t like it. However, #4 kicks ass. Think that’s how I’ll spend my time now instead of cleaning.

Nope, no baby.

Yes, I’m sick.

Dammit.

Iamnotgettingsick
Iamnotgettingsick
Iamnotgettingsick

39 weeks now. Starting to think I might actually see that due date. Incredible.

I’m going to spend the rest of today cleaning carpets. No, not nesting. Just need to do something to take my mind off of the calendar.

The day I’ve been waiting for is almost here, and I’m not talking about delivering this baby either.

Whenever I have extra time, not only will I ramble around reading other people’s blogs – I will go back in time to read their posts on that date from the previous year. You can learn a lot about a person by seeing how they have grown and changed – or how they haven’t. To read about goals they had set for themselves – and if they’ve achieved them. Or to just appreciate the realness of their life, both then and now.

I have been waiting for the chance to do this on my own blog. Waiting to see if I’ve learned anything. Or forgotten something. Or broken a promise to myself. Or accomplished a task far removed from my memory.

I wanted the chance to speak to myself from the past. To help myself find the right path. Or maybe help to bury some ghosts. To remind myself how quickly children grow, and how fast time does truly fly.

And now it’s almost time. New Year’s Eve was my first ever post – and the wait is almost over. Rather appropriate that it turned out that way, as the reason for wanting to re-read them is to refrain from duplicating mistakes of the past.

And if nothing else, I might get a good giggle out of reading some of the shit my crazy mind put to print.

I know I appear to be a horrible war supporting ogre at times, and Iran is another one on my list of places to knock some sense into, but the heart of my beliefs is still peace – just obvious to me we’ll never achieve world peace without taking out the trash first. However, the rubbish in question are the leaders of these countries and the crazies that support them – not the innocent people who live there and are just trying to live their lives.

I cannot wrap my mind around the staggering number of people that were killed by the earthquake. Ten times the number of people that live in this dink town. More than half the number of people that live in the ‘big city’ next door. Gone. I don’t care who they were or where they lived – that’s a tragedy, and my thoughts are with them.

We’re all at the mercy of Mother Nature, and she showed us this week just how fucking small we really are in the scheme of things.

I’m being run out of the room by the menfolk. They’re watching some dubbed over spoof martial arts movie that is making me want to barf. But before I go…

I would like to take a sec and address the drifter-by that sauntered on in from some wacked out search for a shampoo that no one has seen on the shelves in 20 years, read one post, thought they knew me, and proceeded to leave a drive-by tongue-lashing that probably left them giggling with glee over how fucking clever they thought they were.

News flash fuckwad – you don’t know me, you know nothing about me, you didn’t get me good with your stupid ass comment, I won’t lose any sleep over it, I laughed at your ignorance, I laughed at your search terms that brought you here in the first place, you are correct I have a vulgar mouth, it’s none of your gawddamn business that I do, I will say fuck till my fucker falls off, it’s my blog, this is my house, you can show yourself out if you don’t like it, click the x shithead, and no one invited your ass anyway.

Alrighty then. I’m going to take a bath.

For years, I’ve sung the praises of Nintendo for their durability. No matter what my boys threw at those systems, they took it and begged for more. Over the years, they’ve been dropped, smashed, beaten, kicked, and damn near given a bath – and purred like a kitten afterward each time.

The Sega systems we’ve had in the past would roll over and die if you sneezed in their direction. We’re on our third Dreamcast because MB2 just adores that piece of shit. And the Saturn and the Genesis bit the weenie before that.

But I am publicly declaring the gamecube controllers the biggest pieces of shit to ever enter our home. We bought 3 extra remotes – even paid extra for the Nintendo brand because I trusted the pricks. We were supposed to have an family all-night Mario Party 4 & 5 marathon last night – but two of the controllers didn’t work. Really pissed me off. Drove 30 minutes to replace those fuckers today. Get back home, get ready to finally have the family fun fest – and one of the new ones doesn’t work. MotherFuck.

MD headed back out awhile ago to swap it out again. He’s going to make them open that sucker and test it out before driving all the way home. I’m about to send a nice little note to Nintendo about their slacking ass ways.

I need my Mario Party dammit.

Took me 15 minutes to make my bed this morning. Lost my balance tightening the fitted sheet, fell onto my back, and fidgeted there like a cockroach trying to get back up. I reminded myself that I’m enjoying this after I finally crawled my way out.

My tree is crispy. I want to take it down, but the boys won’t hear none of that talk until after New Years. I have the boxes ready and waiting for the decorations. And I have a fatty pair of scissors waiting for those musical fucking lights. They won’t be around next year.

Surprise Surprise. Day after Christmas and the kids aren’t bitching they have nothing to do. I must have done something right this year. My parents gave MG a kiddie vanity set with fake make-up and cheesy trinkets – she hasn’t left that bitch since we set it up. What a girlie girl….
(more…)

Wow, what a day. No, no baby. I’m too damn tired to have a baby right now. MB3 woke us up at 4:30 this morning, and I could only stall him another 30 minutes before I saw his little mind snap. Makes for a long fucking day.

Kids received everything they wanted – which is always nice. MD and I cashed in at mom’s with some deeelightful applMB5ces and dishes and new shoes and new coats. Was the first year ever that my parents were able to surprise me. I’m the family snoop-y spy, and I’m always right on my guesses. Come to think of it, I didn’t even guess this year.

Was hell at mom’s today though pregnancy wise. He must have scooched down even more sometime today – around noon, I noticed I had to spread my legs just to sit down. If the doc said I had dropped before – what the hell would he call it now?

S’ok though. He can come now whenever he likes. Tonight, tomorrow, next week, next year – makes no matter to me. Holidays are behind us, and I can now kick back and enjoy every moment I have left waiting for my last child to pick his birthday.

I hope everyone’s holiday was as wonderful as mine. I really do.

Merry Christmas…. indeed it is for me.

Kids are getting excited – already bathed and in their pjs.

Presents are wrapped and waiting.

The cookie baking fest is about to get underway.

Spiral ham is cooking for dinner.

We acquired a new Christmas Eve helper this year. We finally had to tell MB3 the truth about Santa this week thanks to some asshole kid at school, and he is anxious to earn his wings tonight by helping us get everything ready for morning. I knew he’d be upset to learn the truth, but I also knew how excited he’d be knowing that he is now Santa for the little ones.

I wish they could believe forever.

Starting to think this baby read some expecting books, and feels the need to go down the entire effin list before making his arrival.

Has hardly moved at all since yesterday – I mean nada squat. I can feel the occasional hiccup, or if I give him a push, I might get a tiny reaction – but it’s felt internally. This is freaking me out, of course. I’m used to having my ribs smashed to pieces all the way up until delivery.

I no longer have to keep my head within range of the toilet. My ass however, is another story.

His butt (per the doc) has been over about two inches to the side for a few months now. Bordering on transverse. Sometime yesterday morning it shifted to straight up over my navel.

Just need him to wait at least 24 hours. That’s it, then he is free to arrive whenever.

Hope everyone has a safe and wonderful holiday. I’m off to plop my ass on the couch with my legs twisted in a knot until tomorrow morning.

Started having contractions yesterday around 4pm. Were about 6 minutes apart for over 3 hours. But they felt different again – like horrible cramping in my lower gut and back and sort of in my legs. Hard to describe. Weren’t really painful, but then again – I play cards until I hit 8cm – drug-free. That’s when I start to lose my fucking mind and want drugs. Unfortunately, by then it’s too late. So I can’t really use pain as a indicator. I do know it was rather difficult to walk through them.

I tried drinking water, eating, standing, walking, sitting – then eventually took a bath. That slowed them to 10 minutes, and I was thankful I hadn’t gone to the hospital and looked like a fool.

I got out of the tub, went into my room to get dressed, and was hit with another. Then another 3 minutes later. Then another – then another. MD got home about this time and proceeded to lose his fucking mind. He was rather pissed that I didn’t want to go to the hospital. Men just don’t get it.

I still knew they weren’t real. They stayed 3 minutes apart for the next 2 hours – lasting about 30-40 seconds. By this time, everyone and their mother was hounding me to go in and get checked. MD cleaned the entire house in a nervous frenzy, and I finally convinced him to lay down on the couch and trust me.

I grabbed something to eat again, and downed a shitload of water. During the course of the next hour – they spaced back to 6 minutes. I took another bath about an hour later, and they spaced out even more. They finally stopped around 1am.

Haven’t noticed any today, but I am incredibly sore. He’s not as active either. On the bright side, last night was the first time in 8 days that I haven’t been violently ill. That was a plus.

I’ve put it in my mind that this little guy is staying put until March – and that’s just fine with me. And I’m not heading to the hospital until I see him waving at me.

I don’t know what’s wrong with this thing. I’m not pinging Blogroll, and it’s now preventing some comments from going through. Think perhaps I fucked up Blacklist somehow? Dunno. My marbles aren’t showing up for the game lately, so I should probably wait until this baby comes before I mess with anything.

Boys are now home for the holidays. It’s dark and dreary out today, in complete contrast to the gorgeous day yesterday. Gotta love it when Mother Nature smokes crack.

Took the kids to see Santa yesterday. MG was bouncing off the walls. I thought she was a little young to ‘get it’, but I guess not. Her awareness level blows me away. Got a pic of the kids with Santa, but my scanner has decided it hates XP now, so I’m shit out of luck to post it.

Presents are all wrapped and ready to go. Now to keep MG from finding them again and unwrapping them. I sure hope I don’t miss Christmas – she’s going to be an absolute delight to watch this year.

Well, today is the day. The day I listed in my grand prediction for MB5’s arrival.

Why do I get the feeling that I should have predicted the 20th of January instead?

Really makes no difference to me at this point – as long as it’s not Christmas. Please not Christmas. Please not anytime around Christmas. Please don’t make me spend the holidays in the hospital. Please don’t make my children unwrap gifts in the hospital. That would really really really suck.

Going to be a long week for my nerves.

Old Landlord Bitch dropped by to see how we’re doing. How very nice of her.

OLB: Getting ready to pop, huh?

MM: Yeah, ready for him anytime now. [Walks back over to open fridge]

OLB: Nesting!! How exciting!!

MM: Nah, just cleaning up the juice that was spilled.

OLB: … [clearly puzzled at the concept of cleaning up after spills]

MM: … { Don’t ever fucking invite me to eat at your house}

I think those American Girl dolls are creepy

Having to use the serial port to download pics sucks hairy ape ass

When your body says don’t eat that - you should listen

It’s cute when your husband teaches your 2yo daughter to say whatever, complete with the head shake and the hand outstretched – but only the first time

When you are awakened at night by an extreme leg cramp and it’s still throbbing the next day – you wonder if it’s just sore, or if slamming it repeatedly against the wall trying to get the pain to stop did some serious damage

When you’re 9 months pregnant and have to cross your legs before you cough or sneeze, you should learn to be more discreet about it in public – people know why you’re doing it

When you use Snuggle dryer sheets, your lint smells wonderful

Crockpots were made for wintertime cooking

Pine-sol can dissolve paint specks on the floor – and skin off your hands

I need the name of some serious no-bullshit lotion for my hands

I live in terror of the 15 loads of laundry I’ll return to after having this baby

I haven’t done a fucking thing today

I need to get up and get busy

Cloudy ice chips are the best for crunchin’

Probably why I pee every 7 minutes

No bullshit, I gotta get busy

Things are quiet here in Hicksville tonight. Well, except if you go down to the Square. We’ve got the huge courthouse in the center, and Christmas music playing from the tops of it. It’s nice. Corny, but nice.

Better day today. Still feeling nutso, but in control of it. Kids all zonked early again tonight. I hope they’re not getting sick. That would be very bad.

MB5 is free to arrive anytime after 3pm tomorrow. Kids will be out for break, MD will be done with this last big check week, and my dad will be in town. Now to hope he doesn’t wait until this perfect window is closed. That would suck. Especially since I’m now doing toilet gymnastics in an attempt to drain every last drop to buy me more than the current 7 minutes I have before I must piss again.

I’m starting to chafe.

Still here – Still pregnant

Although if it doesn’t happen soon, my family is going to kill me. I’m sure of it.

I about lost my fucking mind yesterday. I couldn’t think straight. I felt flustered and confused and this weird sense of panic set in and brought its buddy claustrophobia and I just went batshit.

The boys shoot into the house after school, the questions begin and the bookbags scatter and the homework flies and the papers need signed and their friends want to play and the project supplies are needed tomorrow and the pants they want to wear in the morning need a belt and it’s lost and the little ones hop around like Dino and the bickering starts over who had the shittiest day and I just went batshit.

Then the trash overflowed when MB1 dumped his folder and he smushed it all in there and walked away and didn’t give a thought to emptying the trash even though it’s his job and I just went batshit.

Then MB2 ignored his name being called 3 times because he was in a fucking zone when he was supposed to be helping MB1 with the trash and when he finally snapped out of it I had to repeat myself twice and that blank blink-ity blink stare he gave me afterward sent shards up glass up inside my head and my brain was being ripped to pieces when I realized I had to tell him again because he was hearing but he wasn’t listening and I just went batshit.

And poor MB3 came up and asked what was for dinner when I was trying to pay bills and discuss MD’s day and I glanced over and saw MB4 writing his name on the fridge with a crayon and when I looked down at the check I had written Roger on it when it wasn’t a check for Roger, it was a check for my gas bill but I had scribbled Roger because MD was talking about him and suddenly the walls scooted in to scrunch me and I just went batshit.

Then I went and sat in my room.

For a long time.

I still wasn’t human when I came back down, but I was no longer breathing fire. Rest of the evening consisted of egg-shell walking and early bedtimes by choice.

Odds are starting to look very good that this kiddo will be born in prison.

I’m posting at exactly 8am CT. If you’ll take a glance at the time stamp, you’ll see that it inputs whatever the hell time it wants. It was a three hour difference, but now it seems sporadic. Anyone ever have this issue and know how to correct it?

MT Config is set up correctly to Central time – it’s just not doing it.

Friend called me just a bit ago to see if I was feeling any better than I did last night. Told her I was, and she started hooting around on the other end of the line with I knew it ’s and Told you it wasn’t the flu ’s and It won’t be long now ’s. I reminded her that these ’signs’ of early labor could go on for weeks, and to not pop open the cigars just yet. She laughed and agreed, and said regardless – it will all be over soon enough.

She then went on about her niece or cousin and their pregnancy or whatever – not really sure as I wasn’t paying attention. Those last few words she said kept bouncing around in my mind, and I couldn’t concentrate on idle chit chat from then on out.

I’ve now been sitting here for over an hour, playing mindless games of solitaire over and over while those words still rattle around in my head.

It will all be over soon enough….

This pregnancy has been the hardest on my body, no question. Experienced a true pregnancy for the very first time – with my sixth child. Never before have I had morning sickness or stretch marks, food aversions or swelling, cramps or back spasms. And while this whole time I’ve viewed this as an unlucky break, her words tonight have helped me to see that I’ve been looking at it all wrong.

This is the very last time that I will ever be pregnant. I will never again furiously count days on the calendar over and over again, positive that I’ve made a mistake somewhere and I’m not really late on a period. Never again pay for an EPT with trembling hands and an unconscious grin on my face. Will never again see that line race across windows, leaving behind those two unmistakable signs that indicate I am no longer alone in my body. And I’ll never again have the nervous delight of telling MD that a new little one has found a way into our family.

No more feeling that first kick. No more peeks in the full length to see the new pooch forming. No more belly tricks for the older kids. No more belly rubs from an excited, anxious 8 year old. No more comforting rolls or painful kicks or embarrassing bladder jabs. No more tag-along companions to talk to when relaxing in the tub.

I will never again sit and eagerly await labor to begin. Never again feel those first real contractions and tell MD that it’s time. Or see that flustered, excited look in his eyes as he instantly loses his damn mind trying to get us out the door. Will never again hold his hand and cry as he tells me one more push with eyes so full of life and love. Or see that smile that spreads across his entire face when he first lays eyes on his newest child.

Never again hear that first cry. Or take that first peek of the little human that MD and I created. Or ask over and over if the baby’s ok. Or count fingers and toes and drown in that sweet smell of new life. Or feel those tiny fingers wrap around mine. Or see my older children fall in love at the sight of him/her.

While I did mourn the fact that we were finished having children after giving birth to MG, it never dawned on me what that truly meant until just now. This pregnancy has been a wonderful surprise, and an opportunity to enjoy and fully appreciate this miracle one last time before moving on to the next stage in life.

It will all be over soon enough. I’m now finding that pretty damn depressing.

“And that road goes on and on into the sunset
And my destiny is bound to move me on
Never found a woman to satisfy my soul yet
Girl I want you but I just got to go.”
-Missouri

“Well I know it wasn’t you who held me down
Heaven knows it wasn’t you who set me free
So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains
And we never even know we have the key”
-The Eagles

Feet a-movin’. Ass a-shakin’. Head a-swayin’. Hands a-wipin’ and a-polishin’.
Housework doesn’t have to be a chore, ya know.

I’m officially stating that this baby boy needs to wait until at least Saturday to be born….

The kids will be out for the holiday break then, and my sister won’t have to stress about getting her kids and my kids to school in different towns.

My dad is out of town and won’t be free to come home for a few more days. He doesn’t want to miss the arrival of his last grandchild.

MD has the opportunity to work 60 hours this week. A rare thing indeed. Starting next week, he won’t work over 40 hours a week until spring – according to the rumor mill. This paycheck could really help us ride the tide, so to speak.

I still have a few stocking stuffers to buy and presents to wrap.

Close friend of mine will be in town for two weeks starting Saturday. She was present for the birth of my first child, and there shortly after for most of the others. I’d like her to be there for my last one.

Now why is part of me hoping that Murphy(’s Law) is listening?

Morning sickness meets food poisoning.

That’s what it feels like in my body at this very minute. Makes it a little hard to sleep. In fact, I feel so damn awful that it woke me up. I guess so I can sit here and moan. Same thing happened last night. Just an incredibly shitty feeling.

I’ve heard all day long that it means labor is soon. What the fuck ever. Feels more like I’ll be dead soon.

What a wonderful way to start my day. I am in jaw-dropping awe of our military and their capabilities. May this discourage the chickenshit bastards who kill in his name. May the Iraqi people finally breathe easier and sleep soundly and smile.

Sending my thanks and my love to the men and women over there who made this day a reality, and for instilling an incredible sense of peace and comfort within me today. And thank you for enabling me to bring my child into a world that feels a helluva safer this morning.

Damn. How’s a gal supposed to take a break when she gets tons of messages and emails about how she’ll be missed? Making me feel guilty lol.

Sort of ties in with why the break is needed though. In my head anyway.

I’ve said before that I never expected anyone to read this. I was going to use it as an outlet to try and empty my thoughts when shit started to get all jumbled up there in my head. It worked.

What I didn’t expect, was to meet so many people along the way. Wonderful, caring, insightful, helpful, real people. People I relate to. People I can trust. That’s amazing to me given how very private I am in real life. I’ve been completely open and honest with myself on this blog, and as a result – with anyone who reads it. I’m surprised that the reality of that hasn’t scared me off. Instead, it’s been an amazing source of comfort. A Dear Diary that talks back. Can’t beat that shit.

On the other hand, there are issues with this setup that do bother me. Almost a stage fright feeling that creeps in from time to time. This blog is almost a year old, and every month it’s getting harder and harder to envision myself alone in the ‘room’, talking to myself. My mind is starting to notice that others are sitting there listening in, and I can’t help but be conscious of that when writing.

I’ve noticed that I am becoming reluctant to write bullshit posts. I’m starting to think before I write, and that’s no fun. The pressure to write something worth reading is taking over, and I must break for awhile to try and find my base again. I will not let this journal transform into the very thing I have bitched about in the past – a place for scripted nonsense. If I can’t keep it real, then I ain’t doing it at all.

And besides, keeping it real right now would mean posting about my 40 trips to the bathroom every day to check the toilet paper for signs of that beloved plug. And who the fuck wants to read about that?

In case you haven’t noticed, there are some issues going on with the site. Was thinking about taking a break anyway, so it works for me.

Not sure how long this dry spell will last, so have a Happy Holiday & a safe New Years.

Must be some sort of test of motherhood when everyone wants to be chatty cathy with you the last month of pregnancy when all you want is to be left the fuck alone.

Geezus I’m crabby.

Sister came over and watched the kids today, and mom and I went out Christmas shopping. Only one more thing on my list for MB2, and then I’m completely finished. What a wonderful feeling.

House is still clean. Shopping is pretty much done. Got the rest of the things for the baby today as well. Now would be a perfect time for this little one to arrive. Maybe all that walking will get this show on the road. I’ve changed my mind about him staying put for awhile. Living life feeling like the wishbone at Thanksgiving sucks major ass.

Didn’t get the heavy snow like they predicted, but it was still enough to cancel school today. I got up with MD to find out if school was out or not, and now my ass can’t go back to sleep. Figures.

Last night I feel asleep sitting in this chair. Decided I should head up to bed, and heard a noise outside. The wind was kicking ass last night – still is, so I ignored it. I got up, started turning off lights and checking doors, and glanced one last time at the falling snow out the front door – and saw footprints.

I couldn’t tell if they were leading to the house or away, as the wind was trying to erase them, but it still stopped my heart. I wasn’t about to go outside to see where they came from or were headed, so I tried peeking out all the side windows. I could see them in front of the porch, but the windows were freezing over, and I couldn’t tell anything more than that. Did not make me very happy.

I sat on the couch for almost two hours after that. Not sure why. I didn’t want to wake up MD to have him check things out, because he had to get up extra early to make it to work. So, I sat there – hoping someone had just used our yard as a shortcut to the street and had not been on the side of the house trying to open the door. I tried very hard to forget about the noise I had heard earlier. Such a shitty feeling.

I finally went up to bed about 1am – but only after checking and rechecking on the kiddos and windows and doors a million times. I then felt comfortable enough to put the bat away as well. MD would have had a chuckle at that one.

So I have had about 3 hours of sleep, and yet I am wide awake. Maybe the weather channel’s jazzy tunes will lull me back to sleep. Worth a shot.

MB4 refuses to have the Christmas music off. It’s a strand of musical lights that plays a few bars of various songs over and over. It’s nice the first night. It’s tolerable the second. Now I want to rip them from the tree and strangle someone with them.

Lazy day around here. Waiting for the snow to hit tonight. Debating on whether or not to even get dressed. Doubt that’s going to happen. I’m pretty comfy here in these sweats.

Hoping MD is in a better mood today when he gets home. We’ve been really snippy with each other lately. Talk is going around about more changes in the shop – mainly cutting the hours even more till spring. I’ll believe it when I see it, but he’s pretty nervous with Christmas and the baby coming. He’s talking about taking a second job. My pride won’t allow him to have two when I don’t even have one. Definitely going to be some head-butting over this.

My craving just hit again, so I am off to douse the house with Pine-Sol. Wish I could have a normal fucking craving like everyone else. Eating an ice cream cone is much easier on hands than scrubbing floors.

Sonofabitch

This doc doesn’t ‘do’ internals until the 39th week. I can understand his side of things, as it really has no bearing on when a woman will deliver, but still. I wanted checked dammit. I’m curious.

I’m going to go pout now.

Back feels better this morning. Appt at 3 today. MB2 has a quiz bowl meet at 5. Today is my mom’s bday – it’s also MD’s dad’s bday. First holiday program tonight at 7.

Mondays shouldn’t be this busy.

Back is feeling like shit again, and it’s making me very, very bitchy. Rot in hell seems to be the phrase that pays today. MD is fixing brunch today, ’cause I just don’t fucking want to. I better find out at my appt tomorrow that this back shit is actually causing a little progress down there. I would not be a happy camper to find out that this pain is for nothing.

I know I could sit here at the computer all day and no one would say a word, but unfortunately, it’s killing my back. Figures.

My men got up this morning and cleaned the house for me. We are now free for the day. Too bad there ain’t shit to do. Tonight we are headed to the big light display at the park they have every year, but for now….we just sit and enjoy.

Reviving an old remote control car from the dead battery graveyard is a wonderful experience.

Especially when your two year old has no earthly clue as to how that bitch is chasing her around.

Nothing this morning but pressure. I probably just irritated things by tackling the toy room yesterday. Today, I ain’t doing shit.

Poor MD. He’s so damn terrified that I’m going to have this kiddo at home – on purpose, given my severe phobia of hospitals. He’s ready to throw me in the van at the first signs of anything. And he still runs around headless chicken style – even on the 6th kiddo. Men are cute sometimes.

Not sure what’s going on with my body. Back started hurting earlier, and just got worse as time went on. Wave after wave of cramping – but only in my back. Pain radiating up and down and in so deep I was on the verge of tears. I was having contractions, but they didn’t hurt at all. And they weren’t really even coinciding with the back cramps, so I don’t know what the fuck it was.

Went on like that for about 3 hours. Right when I was starting to need a ‘pause’ to get through them, they spaced out and stopped. Now I’m just real crampy again and that damn pelvic pressure is back. MD wasn’t too happy that I wasn’t making plans to head on in to get checked, but I’m not going anywhere until I know for sure it’s the real deal.

But damn, that trial run sucked hairy ass. I’ve never experienced back pain like that before. Hope to hell I never again either. Fuck that.

Almost two and a half hours later – I have emerged. Everything is reorganized into big kid/little kid toys, and I have two bags of shit to get rid of. One to the garbage man and one to Good Will. Santa is pleased and can now bring more toys with a smile.

MD is not going out of town. This is a good thing, as I need him to whip up dinner tonight. My ass is tired.

Read this at Kathy’s. Worth reposting over and over and over.

The Soldier Outside My Door

The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,

I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.

My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,

My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.

Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,

Transforming the yard to a winter delight.

The sparkling lights in the tree, I believe,

Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.

My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,

Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep

in perfect contentment, or so it would seem.

So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.

The sound wasn’t loud, and it wasn’t too near,

But I opened my eye when it tickled my ear.

Perhaps just a cough, I didn’t quite know

Then the sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.

My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,

And I crept to the door just to see who was near.

Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,

A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.

A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old

Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.

Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,

Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.

“What are you doing?” I asked without fear

“Come in this moment, it’s freezing out here!

Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,

You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!”

For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,

away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts,

to the window that danced with a warm fire’s light

then he sighed and he said “Its really all right,

I’m out here by choice. I’m here every night”

“Its my duty to stand at the front of the line,

That separates you from the darkest of times.

No one had to ask or beg or implore me,

I’m proud to stand here like my fathers before me.

My Gramps died at ‘Pearl on a day in December,”

Then he sighed, “That’s a Christmas ‘Gram always remembers.”

My dad stood his watch in the jungles of ‘Nam

And now it is my turn and so, here I am.

I’ve not seen my own son in more than a while,

But my wife sends me pictures, he’s sure got her smile.

Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,

The red white and blue… an American flag.

“I can live through the cold and the being alone,

Away from my family, my house and my home,

I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,

I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat,

I can carry the weight of killing another

or lay down my life with my sisters and brothers

who stand at the front against any and all,

To insure for all time that this flag will not fall.”

“So go back inside,” he said, “harbor no fright

Your family is waiting and I’ll be all right.”

“But isn’t there something I can do, at the least,

“Give you money,” I asked, “or prepare you a feast?

It seems all too little for all that you’ve done,

For being away from your wife and your son.”

Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,

“Just tell us you love us, and never forget

To fight for our rights back at home while we’re gone.

To stand your own watch, no matter how long.

For when we come home, either standing or dead,

to know you remember we fought and we bled

is payment enough, and with that we will trust.

That we mattered to you as you mattered to us.

They’re thinking of sending MD out of town until Monday. The extra money would be nice, but it still makes me nervous at this stage of the game. We’ll see what happens.

MD has spent the past two months helping me organize this house so that I could enjoy the end of my last pregnancy in peace. What a joke. Every day I find something else that no longer meets my standards and I spend hours ripping it apart and starting over. Today I tackle the toy room. Very possible I’ll never be heard from again.

Shopping is done for MB4 and MG. I sat them down in front of the ToysRUs site, and created a wish list based on everything they oooh’od and aaaaah’ed over. That part was easy. What sucked, was trying to find the best prices for what they wanted. I spent most of yesterday researching cost, shipping, tax, ease, and availability. So many damn rules to free shipping, but the stores here are already running out of shit – so it took awhile to get it all sorted out.

Already talked to the kid at the game store. He’s knocking 10-15% off everything on my list, so that will all be taken care of next check. Then I’ll hit every $1 store in town to spend the last $50. Odds and ends and crafts and cheapie toys to fill up their stockings and to provide extra things to unwrap. Gives off the illusion of a shit load of presents on Christmas morning. That’s a good thing.

Last trip will be taking the kids to those same $1 stores and giving them each $10 to buy their gifts to give out. Did this last year for the first time, and it worked out pretty well. Kids liked giving gifts to their siblings and us and my parents. Not going to be an extravagant gift for a buck, but I did end up with some bath beads, candles, new potholders, and a Charleston Chew last year. I’d say I hit the jackpot.

Alrighty, time to finish up laundry in case MD heads out of town and then venture up to the toy room. Anyone have a spare HazMat suit I can borrow?

I lurk on an expecting club message board for shits and giggles. Mostly giggles.

One first time mom was concerned that she would stop the contractions if she sat down to wait for them to get close enough together to journey to the hospital. An experienced mom answered her back. I felt a lot of bobbing and weaving in her response. A lot of care was taken to gently explain that no, it won’t stop them. She’s lucky I’m just lurking, and didn’t answer her post.

When true labor starts, there will be no fucking place to hide might not have been the answer she wanted to hear.

I lied. I know why I’m shitty – today at least. It’s the time of year that I question our desire for a large family. I wonder if we did the right thing. I hate that feeling.
(more…)

Got our tree last night. Were planning on heading out to the tree farm again, but the kids were ancy and wanted it NOW. We usually get it the day after Thanksgiving, but MD was working on that fence. So for the first time ever – we bought a grocery store tree. My manly man had a hard time swallowing that one, but the tree is still nice. About $30 cheaper too.

I’m still in a shitty, funk mood. Going to head out today and grab the rest of the baby supplies and replace the ornaments I broke. Maybe that will pep me up.

MB2’s glasses are in. $200. Except they were still under warranty.

I’m sure after this dumb-founded, are-you-shittin-me feeling wears off, my mood will improve.

Mood still isn’t any better, even though MD worked his ass off this past weekend building a fence for extra cash. Between that and what I’ll make from the taxes, we should have enough for Christmas – although now that I’ve mentioned that some nasty fucking little troll will pop out and put the whammy on my transmission or brakes or something.

I can’t even decide what to get the kiddos anyway. The older boys want a GameCube. They already have 4 or 5 gaming systems, but that’s one we’ll play as a family, so I’m fulfilling their wish. Well, MB1 actually wanted a Xbox or whatever the hell it is, but he was outvoted. My penny-pinching boys want me to snag one off of ebay so it’ll cost less. That way they can get extra remotes and memory cards. Gotta love frugal kids.

Other than that though, I have no clue. MB1 and MB2 are damn near little men, and aren’t into toys and shit anymore. Yet they aren’t quite ready for cologne or razors either. Such a shitty age. They have plenty of clothes, and my parents are getting the kids these funky looking Nike’s they wanted. One pair of those damn shoes cost more than what I spend on groceries for almost two weeks. I only buy them on sale, but you know how grandparents are.

MB3 is a toughie. He’s only 8, but most of the time you’d never know it. Guess you grow up fast with two older brothers. He plays right along with the big boys, and his childhood days of playing with toys and such got lost in there somewhere. Sad if you ask me. He doesn’t really play with anything – toy or game wise. He’s more of a people person, and would rather chit chat.

MB4 wants a blue airplane. That’s it. That’s all I can get him to tell me. He should be in that fun prime toy-buying age for a boy, and I can’t think of a thing to get him that we don’t still have from the other boys. Only decent toys are blocks, cars, and legos, and we have more of those than WalMart does. Maybe one of those car activity sets. Hmmm

MG. Sweet MG. I have no fucking clue. Girls ain’t my thing. I waited so long to buy baby dolls and barbie dolls and kitchens and tea sets – and I have bought them. Only she isn’t quite old enough to stay entertained with them. Maybe I’ll just get a damn art set for the both of them. Can’t go wrong that way.