NO walking. Forgot that MB2 has an appt at 1pm. Kinda kills the day.

I’m telling you what – that Axert is a Godsend. Had a doozy of a migraine last night – full blown – and the axert made quick business of it. Haven’t tried the Treximet on big ones yet. Afraid that if it doesn’t work as well, or maybe not at all, then I’d be screwed because you have to space the two drugs 24 hours apart. When I’m deparate someday.

Think we’re going camping next weekend. Have I mentioned that? Well we are. MD’s boss/friend, and his family. Kids are excited. I’m not. Trying to save money here. Don’t have extra to be screwing around with. But I can’t tell them no – they’d be crushed. Looks like we’ll be here another month. Dammit.

Ok, so it was more of a brisk walk, but we walked for an hour and twenty minutes. Bad part is, I’m not sore today – so doesn’t that mean I can handle more? We’re taking it slow, but I think I could do more. Maybe. My toe didn’t start hurting until the last lap. (Long ass laps)

I’m working on an update for everyone, but I can’t find the excerpt code that I saved that set up the post neatly with pictures. And I’m too stupid to search for it in the archives, because that’s how I almost dumped the whole damn blog the last time. Like I said, working on it.

Better go call MS and see if we’re walking today.

That neuroma (sp?) on my little toe is threatening to give me trouble on this run. Just walking around in the tennis shoes, and the bitch is throbbing. Nerve pain is the worst I swear.

Still no news on J. I emailed her son today. Hopefully he can update me.

Taking my new glasses back. Still can’t see with them on, and that’s bullshit. I can see, but it’s all blurry. No good.

OMG – The more shit that keeps happening, I really think something is wrong. Maybe I’m a hypochondriac, but I don’t think so. Monday I was out running errands. I passed a meter maid, and then stayed in the left lane. Dumbass Alert #1. Then I ran a stop light in front of the cop station. DUmbass Alert #2. THen I turned right from the FAR left lane. Dumbass ALert #3. I was a so shook up that I went home instead of finishing what I had to do. I was terrified I was going to get a ticket, go to jail, or kill someone with my shitty driving. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. My brain just takes a nap and I can’t multi task anymore. And driving is one big multitasking sammich. Add that to the twitches, shakes, tremors, dizziness – I’m a fucking mess. But you know I won’t go to the doc, so what’s the point in bitching. Just know that if I croak suddenly of a brain malfunction – I love you all very much.

What should I eat before this run? I don’t usually eat breakfast, but this strict diet I’m on probably isn’t the healthiest to start with , let alone to start running. But, I’m losing the weight, so it’s all good.

Ok, time to get my errands done so I can GO RUN. Yeeehaw. (not)

Better now. He has agreed not to drop anymore surprise games in my lap. I need to plan our lives around the kids’ schedules, not his game playing. Irksome.

Moody Nephew 1 will be on a plane in a few hours bound for Navy Basic Training in Chicago. We watched him take his oath this morning. He seemed to be doing ok and seems to have the right attitude. Please let it continue. He needs this. Something of his own.

Got a few running outfits this morning and my sister and I will start tomorrow at 11am. Anything we should know? Wish us luck.

And with that, chores await.

Have I the right to be angry? You tell me…

MD played soccer during our first marriage. Usually one game a week and two practices. I hated it, but I dealt with it. Mostly. I blew up a few times with the what the fuck am I supposed to do bullshit.

Now it’s volleyball. It’s been volleyball for 7 years now. I get that he works out there and is well known and well liked, and he works out there twice a week for our extra money, but what the fuck. Tonight he had a game at 6:30. He played and it was ok because we all went up there and watched. I talked to his friends and tried to fit in. Then he tells me that C wants him to play at 8:30, and do I mind? I just exploded. Fuck yes I mind. Fuck yes I mind if you want to take us home and come back and play your precious volleyball while I get the kids ready for bed alone again. But no, he wants us all to stay out there. Till 10pm. Says the kids are in the last week of school and it’s no big deal if they stay up late one night. Except it is – to me. THe point is that’s one of our only nights to have together and he wants to spend it elsewhere.

This is not a new thing. This is not an uncommon thing. It happens at least once every two weeks. He plays every week, but he’s always asking to play other nights. Like he would say no if I did. I have and he doesn’t.

Am I wrong? Am I wrong to want to spend time with him? AM I wrong to want to do something FOR ME without the kids for a change? To just tell him on a moments’ notice – hey, I’m going to do XXX, be back at 10pm. Yeah, like that would fly. I just can’t believe that he expects me to sit here while he has fun in the sun with all those tight bodied bitches who are athletic and tan and pretty. ANd young.

Fine. But don’t expect me to sit here alone at home waiting any longer.

MB2 moved back in. Have I said that already? So hard to remember things. And something crazy is happening to my mind. I went to text MD, and the words didn’t match what I was saying in my head. Like “bring home some bacon” in my mind. It turns out – bringing eggs to the bacon. I hope it isn’t happening here because I really don’t proof read this.

Anyway, it’s just driving me crazy. It happens when I talk too, but not as noticeable because you can hear yourself and corrct. With the text, you just eat it and stamp dumbass on your forehead.

My sister and I are going to start running together. Until one of us gets a job during the week/day, we have nothing else better to do.

Errand time. Hope your mother’s day was fantastic. Mine was alright.

Oh, and my nephew leaves for basic training tomorrow. Wish him luck.

Still haven’t heard from J. Dammit.

MD is moving closer and closer to the beer gig. It’s more money, better hours, and he loves doing it. They haven’t decided though whether to make him the on-premise manager (in charge of the bars), or make him work on a truck for a bit to prove himself first. There are two people in charge weighing those options right now, so we’ll see which one they end up with. I think no matter what he’ll go though. He loves dealing with the people like that. Not the same doing the cable thing where most of his customers are irate because their shit don’t work.

Read through the threads at the Duchenne Faceb00k page. Depressed the living shit outta me. Especially the thread about what age the kids lose the ability to walk. It’s so across the board that it could literally be anytime. Or 3-4 years from now. Some little guy got pneumonia and couldn’t walk again because it weakened his system so much. He was 8. Another kiddo fell more than he walked, so he’s been in a chair since he was 4. Good gawd. Stop talking about it angie. Haven’t cried yet, so let’s change the subject.

Got some killer shoes. Not sure I have the balls to wear them though. I’ll take a pic and let you see them. Wild clogs. Comfy as hell though.

And with that – I’m off to enjoy my mother’s day. Hope you enjoy yours. May it be full of children NOT fighting.

posting from my phone again. so much easier than fightin for a  computer.

haven’t heard from j in a week. has me worried. she said she was headed for cbicago for some mysterious reason. she didn’t want me to worry. ha. I’m very worried.

and now I’m worried about my sister. I hope her procedure goes smooth and she get the answers she needs.

md has been on call all week. goes in at noon, so we’ve had some alone time. that was nice. supposedly he’s off tomorrow. well see..

my eyes re blurring. time to head uut. can’t read what I’m typing.

Here I sit again. Still think I should get a job. I realize that there are appts to work around, but maybe I could find something that could be part time and not “pressing”. So if I need a couple of days off for Ian, I could have them. I don’t know. I do know that I wouldn’t feel so useless around here if I was contributing. But we’ve gone through this. I know that I can only work at a job until The Yucky hits. Not sure what it will be or when, but it will happen. It’s that uncomfortable moment, or tense moment, or angry moment – anything that makes me wish I was anywhere else and causes me to flip out wondering how will I go to work the next morning. Usually I don’t. That’s why I’ve been home so many years. Me and work no workie together. I love to work – don’t get me wrong. But I need to work alone. Somewhere where I can’t get on someone’s nerves, or one where I don’t fantasize all day, or one that doesn’t bore me quickly because I will find other things to do. Not work.

Damn, I’ve made myself sound like a lame-o. But I’m really not. I work my tail off when I’m there. I burn out quickly though and do require more breaks. I don’t mean 15 minute go sit down breaks, I mean week off every 4 months kinda break. Burn Out Quickly. Very Quickly. But I give 110% every day. If not more. Problemis, I’m not in shape or young enough to do what I’m good at – managing restaurants. And my brain doesn’t record like it used to. Not as much awareness. ANd you need it for that job.

That’s the other thing. If this pill has made me brain dead, how does one find ANY job that will cut her some slack on shit like that?

I say to work in a flower nursery. MD thinks I’m kidding. I’m not. I would love to learn more about them and the hours would have to be seasonal and part time. I don’t know. Just a thought.

————–

I have chores. So why am I sitting here?

MS has more female issues going on, and if you could please say a little something, I’d appreciate it. Sometimes I honestly want to scream – enough is enough.

Have another headache today. They’ve really slowed down though, since I stopped wearing my hair up. I know that sounds stupid, but it’s true. Not pulling my hair back helps cut down my headaches by more than 50%. Or more.

I have got to get out of here.
I have got to get out of here.
I have got to get out of here.

Still among the living. That was rather grim, wasn’t it? Apologies.

Still not feeling tip top. Just want to have our own place. Not going to happen for awhile. Simply too hard to save while spending this much on fuel. Once school is out, that will slow tremendously.

Shitty thing is, if we took that beer job, we’d have the money to move. But so far, this is the better place. Makes my head spin to think about it.

MB2 moved back in last night. School year #2 down and he thinks he did pretty well. I’ll take a little good news.

Not much to say. Guess I’m depressed again. Let me go get a snack. Maybe that’ll help.

Let’s see if that works. Since I wasn’t snacking on my pills, probably not.

OH well shit. I just can’t do this.

41 is painless so far…..

Still waiting on word from that beer place. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be. My deja vu got weird last night. Same car – different location – down the road a ways – is that a good sign? Like that parts behind me now? Earlier we had made up our minds on what dollar amount it would take to leave. Maybe that was it. Just putting a price tag on us.

My friend J is in and out of the hospital these days with low platelets. Today she is headed back to Chicago for reasons unknown to me – she doesn’t want me to worry. Great. Now I worry. Please say a little something for her. I don’t want her to doubt for one second that this transplant was necessary. She wouldn’t have made it all without it.

Just an FYI – the hosting company doesn’t like it when you change your debit card without telling them. And then when you keep going — yeah yeah , tomorrow – to their attempts to fix the situation, they gonna shut yer shit off. Anyway, back up now.

Still not sure what this other offer is. Hopefully find that out today so we can make that decision. I know this sounds stupid, but since my beliefs are way out there sometimes and no where at all at other times, I still kinda believe that deja vu is a do-over. It’s a sign that an important decision is coming up and NOT TO FUCK IT UP. I think we’ve been picking the wrong one, because I’ve had the same deja vu 3 times now. I know it sounds stupid, but I swear it. I dunno. I just think this is a big step somehow and I don’t want to FUCK IT UP.

Turns out the beer folks want MD a little more than we thought. They are putting together an offer today to try and steal him away from the cable place. Curious to see what it is. Wouldn’t a lot more money and a company vehicle be nice? I know. Quit dreaming.

I haven’t talked about dad in awhile. A long while. It’s been awhile since I’ve thought of him, to tell you the truth. Is it because we’re living in hell right now without much regard for anything else? I dunno. It makes me feel bad. Like I’ve forgotten him.

But I haven’t. I know my older boys would fly right if he was still around. Not that they are doing horrible things, but they have wandered off the beaten path the past few years, and I don’t think they would have if he was here. MG still doesn’t like to talk about him. Makes her sad and she cries. I don’t know what the right thing to do is there. It’s been almost 5 years since he died, and she still doesn’t want it mentioned. Then again, if someone starts talking about my cousin, I’m liable to excuse myself too – and that was 30 years ago. Perhaps I should talk to MD about it. See what he thinks. Maybe it’s time to take her to see someone. I don’t want her life to be shifted like this when people she loves die. That would not be good.

Not going to end this sad. Perhaps a picture.

I sat down to write out what to do if I die in terms of this blog and the household bills, since he wouldn’t have a clue on how to pay bills or do anything. Then I got the idea to write if i die letters to everyone, and I have it all set up ready to go. Meaning, I have a copy saved to dropbox so I can work on them on my phone upstairs whenever the mood strikes me. Now to just figure out how to start them. If you are reading this, I’m dead sounds so crappy. If you are reading this, well that sucks is more along my lines, but it is acceptable for an if i die letter? So much to think about.

MD is at that beer place right now. Telling them that he can’t work there full time, but that he would love to pull Fridays for them – just selling accounts, getting tap handles, displays, etc. See what he can do before he makes the commitment. ‘Cause to make the move there, would mean a lot of money coming out of our pocket – like another vehicle, cable bill, gasoline, insurance, etc. Those things add up. We’ll see what they say. One of the guys he used to work with said MD can sell ice water to Eskimos, so we’ll see.

Still no houses on the table. Might help if we had enough money too. Shit keeps popping up to take the house fund. I feel my insides shriveling up more and more every day that we’re here. I’m exhausted to boot. Running 24/7 deflection so my kids have a buffer between me and my mother. It’s necessary, trust me. Just ask MS. She’ll tell you how batshit crazy that woman is.

Kids asked me if they could have a blog. THe younger ones did. Ian likes the idea of taking a picture of him every day to see how he grows. I love that idea. Now to just do it. I deleted the daily moody after days of agonizing. I know I can always create a sub here, but I’d rather not lead the little ones to this blog just yet. Especially when they are probably going to tell their friends and one of them might find me. That would be great to have MG’s best friend’s mother read this. Argh.

And then there’s building it. Those site builders aren’t so easy as they sound. YOu still have to modify, and that shit takes talent and time. I have the time. I don’t think I have the talent anymore. We’ll see. Not sure what I’m going to do. When I told them that I had a blog, their eyes lit up. THey asked when I started doing it, and I told them about 10-11 years ago. She was excited that her whole life has been blogged. I had never thought of it that way. So has Ian’s. Pretty damn close to all on MB4. I’m glad they seemed interested. I’d hate for this to be all for nothing. If something happens to me and they do nothing with this blog, slap them for me. I’d at least …. damn, I don’t know. I don’t know what I would like done. Just a note to announce my passing I guess. Michelle, you should know how to get in still? MS – I could teach you real easy like. MD would have other things on his mind. I would hope. Damn, these are things that need ironed out lol. I would also need someone who knows how to save databases so the kids can keep the entries and comments. I need to write this out. Screw a will. I need to create an instruction guide.

i’m having a little too much fun with that wordpress app. the one that lets me post from anywhere. it’s the ones i post from bed that scare me. i tend to get loose lipped at night. Like talking about a book. that’s nothing more than a fairy tale.

anyway….mb3 will be going to his first prom saturday. all my babies are growing up, dammit. ian keeps talking about his jobs when he’s a grown up. i mean every day we go over his list of jobs he’s going to have. i just laugh and play along. and silently pray that God steals life from me to give to my son.

had his iep meeting this morning. they are doing everything they can possibly do to make life easy as pie for him at school. i can’t think of one thing he needs that they aren’t providing. only thing they ask is that I send him in stretchy pants so that he can toilet himself for as long as possible. they are already talking abut assistive technology even though he doesn’t need it yet. going to apply for it so when he needs it, the computer will be here for him. or the software. or whatever else he needs. i just love this school.

ok. time for errands.

I’m tired and I shouldn’t be posting. none of this shit is going to make sense.

if I ever were to write a book, it would definitely be about being bipolar. give accurate depiction of what its like to live my life. not sure that would sell millions, but it would essentially be my life and would be fun digging through my past- now that I’m too old to give a shit. blow it up. nah, there will be certain secrets that I take to my grave. I love y’all, but you wouldn’t love me if I told ya all my uglies. so I won’t.

anyway….its just a goof anyway. ill never write anything except my grocery list. I wish. there’s a magic place you go to when the words are clicking along making music. I haven’t been there in a long time.

my husband is working at the volleyball place tonight. the one he was banned from. life is funny. he’s ecstatic.

I’m bored. and in the mood for some maryville mo food. maybe tink can help me out. she needs to arrange our lunch date. seriously this time. ridiculous, it is.

I promised myself id be 120 by my birthday. but it don’t look like were going to make it. 126 this morning. and I just finished off a bag of classic lays. and had two pieces of apple pie. had to get my fruit servings.

I hope md gets home soon. I miss him when he works at V’s.

went flower browsing. that’s when you have no money to actually buy anything. had fun anyway. with myself. mentally replaced all the flowers I lost when we lost the house. must have gone to 7-8 stores……boy I bet this is a thrilling read.

md is having trouble with the job issue. made up his mind to stay because that’s the best thing to do financially but I know he really wants the beer job. he’s heard talk that the guy that let him go is nervous when he heard md was ‘back’ – for the other side. he wants to be a part of that again and make them pay quite honestly. don’t blame him.

shit. housework awaits.

I was sick from some pain meds, and MB4 had a migraine. Better than finding out a bug is going around.

I’ll post from my phone later. Really not wanting to sit here right now.

I spent yesterday on my knees ……. with my head in the toilet. MB4 is spending his Monday the same way. Lovely way to spend the day. Mmmmmhmmmm!

I hate this pic, so I’m not entirely sure how long it’ll be around. Makes me look old. Need a new hairstyle. Damn.

I have a million things to do and zero motivation. Guess I should check my pills.

Need a giant foot up my ass.

Still didn’t bring my glasses down so I can read what I’ve typed. That’s important when you are such a shitty typer like me. Oh well. If something is effed up, pretend.

I went and visited my transplant gal yesterday while she was receiving treatment for low platelets. It was actually chemotherapy, but it hasn’t made her sick yet. She thinks a ‘lite’ version with just the component that she needs. Whatever. As long as it works. Not sure altogether what low platelets mean, but I get the gist of it.

MD has worked late every night this week and tonight will be no exception. Glad we’ll see it on a check based on his raise, but it still sucks for me. I kinda like having him around.

I’m going to take a better picture with my hair actually done before I judge these glasses. Maybe it was just my hair that looked like shit.

Headed to the dentist in a few hours. I’m so terrified I’m shaking. I hate the dentist. No really he’s a nice guy, but I hate what he stands for. Those tools. Those sounds. Barf.

MD is still on cloud 9 from the raise. It reaffirmed that he’s doing a good job. That’s he’s needed and important. That’s always a good feeling.

Wish I was needed somewhere.

MD does NOT have a new job. He did, but he turned it down after his work came back with a pretty decent raise. Almost 20%. When you factor in the car we wouldn’t have to buy, the insurance and gas we don’t have to worry about, and the fuel we don’t have to buy – looks pretty damn good to me. He was pretty thrilled. His next raise will be nice too, considering they’re usually 7%. Happy indeed.

Gotta split and email the transplant girl. I”m sure she’d love to hear me say that. Still not ready to give her the keys. There are things even she doesn’t know. ONly person to know I think just about every secret I have is my sister.

And I found out some stuff about her that about made my hair fall out. But I can’t tell. Cause I’m sure she’ll pop up and let one fly about me. So I won’t.

In fact, it makes me very uncomfortable because I have never liked the way I look. And now with these glasses? Good gawd. I don’t wear them into places. I just can’t. Damn I’m shallow.

Let’s see, I actually have an update today. Sort of.

MD went to the doctor for something that has been bothering him for a long time. Let’s hope it gets resolved. He also got his new glasses. Very handsome.

Ian had an appt this morning too. Just a physical for camp. But I asked the doc what he though of Ian’s size, and he said, can I be honest? I have a boy with Duchenne that weighs 190 lbs. His mom can’t lift him alone, and he can’t help at all. Totally wheelchair bound. He has another boy who weighs 90 lbs and he didn’t go into a wheelchair until recently. He can also be lifted by his mother or any other care giver. He said I have to think of the future. First time someone actually told me to think ahead. Most times people want me in the here and now.

MD has a new job. This one isn’t working out the way they said. He’s making peanuts when he was told the money and promotions would come easy if he worked hard. SO he got promoted, but the pay didn’t raise but 7%. 7% of peanuts is still peanuts. So now he’ll be a beer guy again. Only battling for the other side this time. He’s excited to be back on a truck for some stupid ass reason. He loved his customers though, and I know he can’t wait to get back to them. Just wearing a different logo on his sleeve.

It won’t really help us, as we’ll be losing the company truck, the paid cable, and the free gas – but we’ll manage somehow. We are down to one car, and that will be tricky. MB3 has his though, and MB1 has his now, so hopefully they can help out until we get it worked out.

As for me, I’ve had a good day. I always have a good day when MD is home.

what’s the song? so lonesome I could die? yeah, I’m feeling it.

I watch birds and squirrels all day. I pace. I can’t wait for everyone to get home.

I could take some online courses, but it all confuses me. id need help getting going. and I have gone oit there in person before- and left more confused than I was. she assumed I knew th lingo I guess. but I did not. all I found out was that I’m a nontraditional student. no shit.

I could work, but who is going to let me off. … let’s count the appts. ..9… 9 appts through the end of the month. next month. ….4 so far. it never ends with 6 kids. glasses, dentists, and ian alone has so many I can’t count.

clock tells me that I have two more hours of solitude.

what makes it worse is that thanks to the depression, I don’t want to do anything anyway. I’m stuck in a loop. the meds were working. I wonder what changed. perhaps seeing ian struggle to stand lately. every fiber of my being wishes it would attack me instead of my boy. he’s close to needing a chair. he’s just too damn little and frail. then again, if he was bigger, he couldnt lift the weight either. no win.

only suckage

Just sent an email to my old boss to see how her and the rest of the gang are doing. I miss them like crazy. Was the perfect place to work had it not been for my thin skin and the owner’s abrasive approach to things. OH well.

Still no houses to rent. Insert very sad face here.

Ian’s appts are coming up. His IEP is first. I need to get my head together and try and determine what his needs are now. THey’ve changed since last year, and I want to make sure that I think of everything. They are pretty wonderful though. They put down things last time that I never even thought of. Hopefully that will continue.

I had a dream last night that he was in a wheelchair full time. It hit me that this could happen really at any time now. And that it’s the first step to shitsville. Trying to push it from my mind. I’m not being very successful.

I think I’ll go look at flowers today. ANyone want to go with? I hate going alone.

You know what happens when you don’t watch tv? You miss the only show you do watch – Deadliest Catch. Dammit. Hopefully they play the rerun prior to the episode like they used to. Was it good? I know Edgar is back. Yay. I like Edgar. Me and every other perverted old lady.

Made a dental appt. Let’s see if I keep it. I’m so terrified of dentists. Makes no sense really, but I am all the same.

Taxes are almost done. Just need to file that amended and we’re finished. Does that have to be done by the 15th? I should , but wanted to double check.

I’m so bored. I really wish I could wave my wand and have us established already so I know what kind of job I can get. If any. Maybe I should volunteer at the school. Me, volunteer? Can you see that shit?

But I have to do something.

Feels like I haven’t been here in forever.

Days are starting to run together. I’m taking my pills, but they don’t seem to be helping much. MD has to install the cable to the house we wanted to rent. For the new tenants. Isn’t that special? Trying not to be bitter. Trying and failing.

I wanted to take an xray technician class with my sister, but the prerequisites would probably take me longer to do than the actual class. Going to talk to them friday. We’ll see what they say.

You know what else sucks about having your period ever two weeks? Aside from the obvious? YOu don’t have time to lose the extra 5lbs you gained from inhaling the salty and chocolatey snacks before it starts all over again. I’m now up 10lbs. Ain’t that a bitch?

MD is trying to quit smoking again. Wish his luck.

Eye doc said I need the glasses pretty much all the time. Not exactly blind without them, but my sight is getting pretty bad pretty quick. Said it was all that magical age of 40. Joy.

Feels like I’ve waited my whole life to hear the birds sing outside the window.

Don’t remember that post from this morning.  That bothers me a little bit.

Happy Easter! !

And our anniversary weekend.  22 years. Haven’t had an issues since that bullshit back in 2006. Still planning on getting remarried in 3years.  Still plan on new rings.  Still have no idea who would walk me down the aisle. I keep thinking Ian.  Even in  a chair.  Him or MB1. Youngest or oldest.  Is that dumb? 

Enjoy your day. 

See my babies? Red one for Christmas, purple one for our anniversary. I love that man.

Sister and her brood are coming over today around nine for the easter egg hunt. Even having prizes this year. Trying to get the older boys to play. Oldest boys have no interest, but by gawd I will bribe however I need to to keep these 5 little ones young a bit longer. Ian still believes in the easter bunny. That will probably change here real soon knowing those butthead kids in his class.

My tooth is in agony. I broke it, and the nerve must be exposed. Holy shit batman. Hope they can get me in MOnday. gawd. bless it hurts.

Getting new glasses this week. NOw to see if I need them all the time or just when I read. MD and I already picked out a pair for him and a pair for me. Very cute. I think. I’ll post a pic when I get them and let you decide. Might as well use up the hsa account on things we need instead of letting it go to waste if he takes another job.

Ok time to fly. Can’t sleep from the pain, but maybe I can lie down and rest. And pray this bitch stops hurting soon. I have easter candy to eat

found a house. another couple found it first. they told us they like us better, but they are fair. i respect that. ezpecially since we were 500 short anyway. such is life.

i’m excited because md and i are going out. our 22 anniversary is tomorrow. he’s still my best friend.

agitated because my brain had us already moved into that house. which was not perfect, by any means. too small. one bathroom. small step down into the kitchen which tripped every single one of us going back into the hallway. washer and dryer would be down below in the basement via some fucked up stairs with no railing. what a joy that was. imagine that shit with a basket in my hands. gah.

but it was cheap. you would not believe it if i posted it. cheap. like damn near half our mortgage. it was doable for that amount of money.

my boy really likes this girl. sigh.

let me see if i can post my new purse picture.

and……….. i cant. not from myphone anyway. damn.

oh well. i need to get ready for my date. chow.

We need some sort of miracle to get out of here.  The money just rolls out  of the account faster than I can put it in.  Enough of that shit. Let’s talk about something pleasant. 

Like purses . Like the beautiful one MD got me for our anniversary.  I’ll post a pic when I figure  out how to get it off my phone. Its purdy.

Ian is tired today. Very tired. Makes me ill to see him like this. MB3 carried him to the door because his legs were giving out. Guess I should stop worrying about how I’ll know when he is ready for a chair. I have a feeling we’ll be able to figure it out.

I will not end on this note. Too depressing. What else should I mention for posterity’s sake…….

Awww hell….. I got nothin’.

I’m snappy as hell lately. Hard to tell when I’m depressed and when I’m just shitty. My family just wants it to stop. So do I. I do feel better today. Let’s hope it continues.

Recruiter from monster emailed again asking for a resume. Thought we sent her one. Turns out something got screwed up and the email never got sent. She has one now. Let’s hope the job is a doozy and they pay out the ass and they pop for relocation. Not asking too much am I?

Ian is getting worse with his movements. He can barely get up on his own now. Well, he can, but it takes him a very long time. Especially in the bath tub. But he won’t let us help him unless he is really tired. Breaks my heart. I wonder how long it’ll be before he’s in that wheelchair. Hopefully we have a few more years. I always though that his tiny size would help keep him out of it longer, but now I see that he’s not as strong either, and that might put him in it faster. I just hate this. I still cry every day. I don’t see that ending. Ever.

The psychotherapy department from KU called me yesterday about the referral from my pdoc. Said that there are 30 people ahead of me and did I want another referral from them to a place here in town. I said yes. I don’t want to go, but the issues I have left are issues that can’t be taken care of with medication. Not really. I mean, I can take ativan for the anxiety, but it’s a quick fix. It doesn’t get to the root of the problem to make it go away. I want to find out where this anger comes from. I want to know how to battle these fears that I didn’t use to have before they medicated me (water, heights, people, telephones, etc) . I want to know how to stop crying every day over Ian. I want to know how to turn this horrorvision off. It’s that movie that plays in my mind regarding any situation I come across. It shows me the very worst care scenario, and I get to live it as if it’s real. Like the kids driving. That’s a biggie. This movie doesn’t stop until they get home. Safe. It plays with everything. And I have to respond to some of it as if it’s true. I still cut Ian’s hot dogs into 4′s, not halves. I probably don’t have to cut it at all, but the movie shows him choking to death, so I feel compelled to cut it. I HATE it. If we’re driving and we turn a corner, my brain shows us not turning and flying off a cliff. Makes no matter that there are no cliffs here. I see that and I immediately grab the wheel – which is a very big no-no in MD’s book. But I have to – I simply cannot trust anyone else in these instances. I know. Don’t look at me like that. That’s why I’m getting help.

In other news, my hair looks fabulous today. Just thought I’d share some good news.

I promised MD I would get out of the house today.
Anyone wanna go with me to run some errands?

So down it’s pitiful. Pills don’t seem to be kicking in. I just want to lay down and sleep, and that’s not like me. I think I need a job. Sitting around here all day is very depressing as well. I hate feeling worthless.

How in the hell can it be possible that I spent $90 on Easter shit? Good golly. Had to buy baskets and grass and candy and new eggs and all that jazz since our shit is buried in storage somewhere. Bout gave me a heart attack. Tapped into my house money and that kinda pisses me off. Means another week or two here since I have to register the car as well. I wish life would stop taking all of my money. I wish we made more of it.

Nothing on the housing front yet. I’m starting to drool. I wonder what a nervous breakdown feels like.

Guess what?!?!?! MB1 got a car!!!!! Nice little Corolla. Used, but looks great. He now has a payment, but he’s so excited and in love with it that I think he’ll do whatever to make the payments. His confidence went through the roof. First with the good job, then with the car. Now we just need him back in school part time. His employer will pay for his college as long as he passes. I’d hop on that shit. Now he’s talking about moving out once he pays his debts. Start his life. Let’s hope there are no baby news on the horizon. He really really really likes this girl. He falls so hard so fast. I hope he doesn’t end up hurt.

MB2 got a promotion at work. And a $3 an hour raise. Not too shabby. He’s doing well in school. I still worry about him. He comes over every Sunday. Summer’s coming, and unless he moves in with MB1, he’ll be coming home.

MD has an interview tomorrow. Let’s keep our fingers crossed. Pays more. Not much more, but oh well. Gotta start somewhere. At least there is room to grow. Not like where he is now. Still no word on that job in TN. Guess it can take awhile though with the headhunters and all that jazz. My sister’s husband waited 2 months to get hired on at where he’s at. Gawd. Well, we’ll just keep on keeping on and if pops up, we’ll cross that bridge.

I’m pretty down. Taking my pills now, but it takes awhile to get back to normal. Dammit.

I am so fucking sick and tired of tv portraying all bipolars as some sort of nut jobs. We’re not all that way. We’re not like that all the time. We’re not liking being the butt of the joke lately. Something’s wrong with that person, must be bipolar. Screw that. THAT’S why I can’t tell my bosses the real reason for all my appts. And that sucks. I like Homeland. So far it hasn’t been too off the path. More true to life.

I have shit to do. I shouldn’t be here. So I guess I should go.

I wish I would just take the fucking pills. How hard is it really? I know I feel like shit when I don’t. So why do I skip them? Idiocy.

I’m going to strangle myself if I’m here too much longer. I really am. I can’t hack it much more.

It’s been nice having MD all to myself this week. In the mornings anyway. Then I lose him for the rest of the day. Just can’t win.

I wish I had money to get my nails done. Every woman feels better with nice nails.

I have to take MB1 to work now. Because he won’t look for a car. He doesn’t have that much saved because it just burns a hole in his pocket, so I want him to get one before it’s all gone. Dammit.

I want a lot of things eh?

Have had to suspend the house hunt for now. Just too many bills popping up. Car registration being the main issue. Forgot about it really. Have to get that done tomorrow. Just sucks being poor.

There is a company in TN that wants to talk to Jason MD about a job. Wonder how much it pays. I would so move to TN.

Had lunch with my friend J today. She looks better. She doesn’t remember seeing me a week ago, but that’s ok. As long as this all buys us some time.

There are some other things I want to write about as well, but I can’t do them here. They are of a sexual nature, and since I want this word here for my children, I will go make remarks elsewhere. Not sure where. I do have one place still ,,,,,

Anyway. Were we meant to be in TN all along? Time will tell.

Damn, I was gloomy earlier. Amazing what a drive in the sunshine will do for your brain.

MD is on call, which changes his schedule from 8-5 to 12-9. We spent the morning sending out resumes. Fingers crossed he finds something soon so things can ease up.

Days go by and I realize I haven’t posted in awhile. Then I realize I haven’t taken my pills in awhile either. It all goes back to the pills. My sustenance.

I like how it’s popular now to stick a bipolar person into the story line on tv shows. Cool. Assholes. Portray someone with BD correctly and I won’t have issue with it.

My son still won’t get up on his own. My oldest. He has to go to work in 15 minutes and he’s still asleep. I’ll wake him up again because I have no choice. He needs this job. Dammit.

Damn I feel bad. YOu’d think after 7 years of taking these effin pills, I’d have a system by now so as not to forget them. Maybe I can get back to normal once we have our own place. Sigh.

Seems like forever from now.

waiting for mb1 to get off work.  here I sit. having to piss very much badly. off at 9 my ass. blasting the tonic right now. had this cd for over 10 years now. still love it.

posting from my phone is cool.

I’m cool.

I wish.

nope still no kid. can’t get rid of me that easily.

looking at a place this weekend.  kinda high, but if the utilities are low like he said, might work. hope its nice.

wish he’d get a damn car.

anyone know a trick to getting gel nail polish off? I soaked for twenty minutes today and still had to scrape cuss and buff that shit off.  has to be an easier way.

pisshead. he better hrrry up. I ain’t lying about this bladder. 

its time to start calling places to get raffle items for the tourney in august. puts a knot in my stomach thinking about it.  I have the list on google docs so my sister can access and update as well. pretty cool, that google. so if anyone feels froggy, you are more than welcome to call these sonofabitchin places for me. blech.

where is my son.

tourney is aug 4th. should be hot as a mutha trucka. good. heat stroke is not cool, but I try to avoid that shit.

where the fuck is he.

gawd. I’m ging to piss myself.

if this place wasn’t secured, id walk in and snatch him up baldheaded.

there was a gorgeous house, cheap too. wrong part of town. kids would never go for it. shame. really nice too.

tack on 300-400 dollars to live in the small town where the kids go to school. assholes.

I have a new battery. ican type all night.

he’s here.

Ian is home today. Bronchitis. Lovely. He wasn’t really acting ill, just had a cough so I took him in this morning to be sure. Good thing I did. He decided that it sounded bad enough that he had to stay home from school instead of going back. I’m such a softie.

Few houses, none that I’m terribly excited about. MD wants the old one so bad and I can’t figure out why. Men.

Dropped the van from the policy and saved almost 400 dollars every six months. Not bad.

Ok, time to run off, Ian is playing Eminem and I must leave before I puke.

Kids will be home any minute. Peace and quiet will be over. Quiet is good in this case.

This weather is killing my hair. Yes, I said that. I’m that shallow. I hate frizzy limp hair. Blech.

It would appear that I can only think of things to post while I’m upstairs nowhere near a computer. So I’m going to go back up there and post from my phone should the urge strike.

You’d think I have a busy life or something the way I never post ….

But I don’t. I’m just lazy.

No word on the house yet. I wouldn’t rent to us, so I don’t blame him, but MD wants back in it so very much. Not sure why.

We went out for MD’s birthday on Saturday. First half of the night was great, then we stopped in for a few minutes to a wedding reception, and the buzzes crashed. Stayed there too long being polite. MD was a barrel of laughs, then he got quiet. I hate quiet. Quiet sucks.

Big house was a big waste of time. No way. Just, no way.

Our house is for rent. We applied. We’ll see how strange life gets.

ANother house was for rent in the country. Perfect house. Perfect price. Perfect Nigerian Rental House Scam.

Ain’t that about par for us.

We had to spend more on a car than we wanted to because there just wasn’t anything out there decent. But that meant we might be sucking pond water if a nice house came available anytime soon. It ate into our little stash, and bills and needs and gas have whittled it down as well. We have to wait until MD gets paid NEXT week before we can seriously look for anything worthwhile.

So a 5 bedroom house sorta in the country , sorta in town comes open today. Price is a little steep, but we might be able to make it work. Problem? It’s waaaaayyy outta our league right now since they want a deposit equal to the rent. Someone is going to snatch it up and I’m going to throw a fit.

Still kinda in shock that J is fine. I’m so glad he is, but I’m not used to it working out this way. You know, good. Great even.

Ranch style home in the paper today – no basement. Who in the hell builds a home in Missouri with no basement? That’s like putting a bulls-eye on your house and throwing a rock at a tornado. Just don’t understand. Back to the search.

Who starts their period 2 weeks early when their husband’s big birthday bash is Saturday? Yeah. wtf

More in a bit …… someone is at the door.

Happy to report that there is no tumor. Instead, he has a nasty break in his bone growth plate. Whatever the hell that is.

Now I can breathe again.

Thanks for the prayers.

Not sure if my sister can even GET phone calls on her route. Guess we’ll find out when we find out. Mom was told and she’s handling it quite well. Guess we’re getting used to this shit by now. Isn’t that sick? Getting used to having this knot in your belly that never ever goes away.

Nope, Shyvonne, we still don’t have the results. Ain’t that a bitch?!? And to top it off, my sister gets called into work today. I wouldn’t ask a woman to work who was waiting on results like this. I don’t think I COULD work – I’d fuck somebody’s shit up. I hope you fair ok today sis. Better woman than I.

————

I have no other news. Spent my day pacing yesterday. Imagine today will be much of the same. We did go to MG’s play last night. She was fantastic, as usual. She loves that shit. She’s really talented as an actress. There was a day when I wouldn’t have said that shit. When I couldn’t appreciate what a personal challenge it is to be someone like that. Someone who doesn’t care what people think. A person who only cares about pleasing the audience. The masses. A person who is so secure in who they are that they can make a royal ass of themselves for our entertainment. I don’t think I could do it to save someone’s life. And I’m being very literal here. I don’t know, she’s just at home up there making people laugh. Or smile.

I don’t know why that surprises me, as that’s all she does here at home.

no word yet.

MRI is done. Now we wait.

Well, J didn’t look so good yesterday. She weighs about 100lbs soaking wet. Not that she was heavy before, but she was about my size and now she’s model thin. She’s out of it at times. Just real frail. Her sister is taking care of her because she isn’t supposed to even stand or walk alone. She had a grand mal seizure and it has left her with almost no short term memory. She spent 13 days in the hospital because of it. At least I know why she hasn’t texted me.

————-

My nephew’s appt is in 15 minutes. For his MRI. Then we play the wait game. Hopefully not for long. The doc said she’ll get the results to my sister as fast as she can. I hope so.

Keep them all in your thoughts please. My sister and her husband are going through hell right now.

Things just shouldn’t happen to your children, ya know?

I get to see J today. She’s coming over so I can do her taxes. Hope I don’t fuck ‘em up.

Maybe for some reason, our family needs constant reminders about how fragile life is. I don’t know. I still don’t have any answers. None I like anyway.

You think if Dad could in any way stop this, he would? I know he would. And since that’s the same case with Ian, it just crushes me once again to come a step closer to finally kicking my religion once and for all.

It just doesn’t seem to matter anyway.

Mom doesn’t know, so it’s hard walking around like life is hunky dory.

Cause it ain’t.

It better hurry up and be Tuesday. I think I’m having a nervous breakdown and he’s not even my kid. I’d say I can’t imagine what they are going through, but I can. And it’s brought our own day of shit back to the front burner. I remember vividly both the day we found out he probably had Duchenne, and the call confirming it. I’ll never forget them. Just as I’m sure she’ll never forget today. Or Tuesday. Bad or good.

It’s like she dodged the bullet so it came after her son. How fucking rude. I’m really starting to wonder if we screwed up royally by having so many kids. Odds of cancer striking more of them is pretty high.

We must have been some pretty rotten sons-a-bitches in a past life.

I need some prayers. I know I’ve asked for a lot lately, but this is important. The docs told my sister today that her son might have bone cancer. He’s 13 years old. Having a hard time wrapping my head around it. We find out more on Tuesday after his MRI.

Like I said – I can’t fathom this. Oh I know kids get cancer all the time and why should our family be any different – but for fuck’s sake – when is enough enough?

Someone explain this to me because I just can’t comprehend that we are dealing with yet another serious, life-threatening issue in our immediate family. I just don’t get it.

I’m going to go stomp my feet now and scream to no one in particular that life really sucks sometimes and it’s never fair and it’s never easy and I’d be better off if I got it through my head that it’s probably never going to get any better.

Not really much to say, but I feel that I’ve neglected this place so I’m posting shit.

MD does have to work today. Two installs. Said it shouldn’t take too long, which means I may never see him again. Sigh.

MB1 is having a good ole time making meat at the factory he works at. Hahahahahaha. Said he’ll never eat another sandwich again. He also said he’s ready to go back to school so he doesn’t have to do this job for the rest of his life. Especially when I told him that for this town, that job is about as good as it gets with no college education. He looked as though he might puke. He’s doing it, but he’s not liking it. Which is perfect. ALthough it’d be nice if he started paying his debts with his paychecks instead of buying new shit for himself. Especially since we’re one of those debts.

MB2 moves back in tonight. Just for a week. Spring break. I’ll take it. We miss him around here. Really going to suck when they leave once and for all. Don’t know what the fuck I’ll do. I really don’t.

Oh well, time to wake up my husband and see when his installs are – I need to get my time in first.

Went to eat lunch with my son today. He was thrilled beyond belief. He usually takes his wheelchair to lunch, as it’s pretty far from his class, but he walked today because he wanted to go through the line with me. My boy….

MD is supposed to be off tomorrow. We’ll see if that still rings true when he gets home. NO, he still isn’t home yet. Dammit. I spend my days missing him. Hopefully I get him all to myself tomorrow. All day.

Looked at a house today. Too small. He said it had a basement. When I asked – finished? He said yes. He lied. There was a basement alright. This UNFINISHED basement had about room enough for 4-5 people to stand side by side. Someone would most assuredly die this storm season. Fark that. I need a basement people. This year is going to be a rough one I fear.

Other than that, there aren’t anymore houses out there. Not in TinyTown anyway. Well, there was one that we were supposed to look at, but they want way too much for it. I don’t want to set us up for failure from the get go. Fark that.

Yay! He’s off tomorrow and he’s almost home. I’m ready. Mowed the yard and everything.

Don’t you love it when the wire starts poking you and it’s a new bra and you have hardly worn it and when you get pissed trying to fix it and rip it out, your boob just sort of does its own thang? Yeah I hate that. Remind me to swtich bras before I go to MG’s luncheon today at school.

I eat with her today and Ian tomorrow. They are thrilled. I saw the menu – and I am not thrilled. But I will press on and try to play off the fact that I am NOT eating mini corndogs or a peanut butter sandwich. YUCK! Foul foods. THey need to reevaluate.

I tried the sock bun. DIdn’t make curls that actually stayed in my hair, but it did give me incredible body and bounce.

My pdoc still isn’t concerned with the shakes, twitches, blurry vision. Guess I won’t be either. Especially because he was thinking about dropping my back down – no way mister. I finally feel good. I ain’t changing shit. He also said that they are setting me up for psychotherapy – although they’ve said that before. Said that he can’t cure anything else i with meds. None that I haven’t tried and nixed anyway. I wish celexa didn’t break my sex parts. I loved that stuff. ANyway, the talking is supposed to cure the OCD, or at least make it manageable. Help with the daily crying spells that occur whenever anything concerning Ian or DUchenne is mentioned. Also should help with the rage – find out where it stems from. AND he wants to see me in 2/2.5 months instead of the 4 weeks they always tell me. I know I always cancel and reschedule and make my own 2 month break, but this is progress. That means I’m closer to the day he’ll see me twice a year for levels and scripts. Joy Joy. I can’t wait.

Today is another day. And still no houses for rent. I did hear from my friend J. Sort of. She texted me that she was still in the hospital, but that she was ok and once her memory came back she would call me. …. ? Not sure what the hell that means. I texted her back a buttload of questions, but she never answered back. She worries me.

Decided to take MD to the casino for his birthday. We usually take 20 bucks each – I’ll give him 100. Should make him happy. I hope. Then we are going out that night – with our son. I had kinda planned on spending the night in a cheap motel, but he changes things. DOn’t want to UNinvite him, just wish he was going with some friends as well. Still time to work on that situation.

I can’t remember if I still have flat ian pics to put up or not. I’ll check and get them up if so. SOrry to drag. Haven’t felt like being on the computer lately.

Need to stay on MD about those other jobs. He acts like he doesn’t want them sometimes. Baffles the mind. Yeah, I want to stay dirt ass poor forever. I like it that way! ………… not

THe Scentsy party is Sunday. Did I mention that I had one? Well, I have one. Hopefully she has more people there than the last time. I want to make BANK – before I shut this shit down. lol

We told the kids that we might have to stay in this town, and the older ones didn’t take it so well. Little ones said we can move, big ones said no. I know it takes MB4 a long time to make friends, but they aren’t really friends anyway. They never come over. They never invite him over. Never. Poor kid has to watch as the other kids go spend the night at friend’s houses. It crushes me. He just shrugs his shoulders and plays his game. But it’s a sad shrug. And I hate it. Maybe a new school would bring some nicer kids? I can see MB3 not wanting to switch his Senior year, but he can drive himself there. I don’t know what to do. There just isn’t shit to rent in that town.

Let me go check cra!g’s list again. ….

All my children do is fight. I want to tie them all up and throw them in the closet.

Let me enjoy that fantasy for a minute….

I bought nutty bars. I wasn’t supposed to. My but and belly says don’t eat them and my mind and mouth are telling me to EAT THOSE FUCKERS RIGHT THIS MINUTE!!! Wonder who will win? I got my money on the mouth.

Damn, phone …..

MD is working, MB3 is working. MB2 is probably asleep somewhere. MB1 IS asleep – right here. That’s a switch. He has to work tomorrow – yay – still can’t believe I get to say that. Now if he would just pay his bills….

MY pdoc appt is tomorrow. Not sure what to say to him other than to let him know that I’m still twitching and my shaking and my eyes are still very blurry. I have to wear the glasses to read anything. ANd I didn’t pick out glasses attractive enough to wear all the time. They have cats on them – which I DIDN’T know at the time. I thought it was a design. MD pointed out the cats and it was too late to return them. Barf. Oh well, at least I can see.

MD’s birthday looms near and I still can’t think of a thing to get him. I so want to get those tickets or have a party or fly his mom here. BUt even if I wanted to, the only thing I could do at this late hour would be the tickets. I don’t know if I could throw a party together in time. That’s what I want to do most of all. It’s my fault that we’re poor. If I could hack a job for longer than two seconds, we would be better off financially. I’m a loser. Slob with no job.

Well, now that I’ve depressed myself, I shall head out to pick up my daughter at her friend’s house.

sitting here waiting for md. he’s filling out applications. well just one right now duh. I wanted to come to spend time with him. this is the price I pay. he’s worth it. hopefully one of these will pan out into a better paying job. wouldn’t that be nice.

I can’t believe how much better I feel these days. that wellbutrin was here all the time and I didn’t know it could help me like this at the higher dose. shame. wasted time spent feeling like that.

yes, I’m posting from my phone. sorry for the typos.

I better hurry up before they play the reo song.

shit. they are. peace be with you………

Still trying to win those damn tickets. Getting annoyed.
Still haven’t heard from my friend. Getting worried.

Been fantasizing all week. Yeah I said it. Thinking about nothing but sex for the past few days. Every man I come in contact with makes an appearance in my film as long as he passes muster. Bad. Really bad. MD is doing his best to help me extinguish this fire, but still it goes on…… Not that I mind really. I can still function. Mostly. Like an 18 year old boy can still do his classwork while dreaming that he has the hot young teacher up on the desk. Bad. Really bad.

Enough talk of that nature. These pills knock out everything except the hypersexuality. That’s not a word the editor tells me. Tough shit. Unless I spelled it wrong. Tough shit as well. I think it knocked out a little bit of it, because I used to fantasize every day. Now it’s about once a month. Or anytime he makes me go more than 3 days. Just pops on like an alarm clock.

ALmost time to go win some tickets. Wish me luck.

Oh I’m not leaving yet. Still have 10 minutes.

Still nothing in the weekly paper. I’m getting discouraged. Not sure how much longer I can stay here. End of my rope. I find myself getting snottier and snottier with her the more she gets with my children. ANd I heard MG say I know the other day and it almost made me want to puke. Mom says that to everyfuckingthing you say. SHe knows everything. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh

Ok, well I have to depart now because I must pee before I have to spend an hour in my room listening to the only radio in this house that will play this station. COuld take a drive I guess. Nah, have you SEEN gas prices?

Ok, really enough talk of that nature. I’m sure my kids will love to read this when I’m old and wrinkled. Bleh.

Bought a car for MB3 yesterday. It’s a 99 Monte Carlo. Not bad. Especially not for what we paid. It has a few issues – the hood is very faded. Rest of the car is a gorgeous red. Has a tape deck – which sent the kids into fits of giggles. What’s that? I explained and then I was informed that those old things are called cassette players. I said well no shit, but it’s still a tape deck. More giggles. I was told to join the 21st century. Shits.

I want tickets to see REO/Styx/Nugent – I am trying to win them but I don’t think the other people understand that when I call in, they are supposed to hang up and let me be the 11th caller. Rude.

I have to think of another idea for Md’s birthday. I have about 3 weeks. Idea one was to have a party. Too expensive. Idea two was to fly his mother here as a surprise. Too expensive. Idea three was to get tickets to McGraw and Chesney. Would be about 250 to get anything decent. He mentioned going the other day and when I told him this morning how much they were, he asked about the cheap seats. Told him they were going to be about 150, and they are Waaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy up and Waaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy back. He said no way. I’m sad. Maybe I’ll just give him money for the boat.

SO far so good with MB1′s job. NOt saying any more for fear of jinx.

Again no places. New paper comes out tomorrow for the town we want to move back to – yeah, their paper is a weekly thang. Hopefully there are a few in there to choose from. Plllllllllllllleeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaassssssssssseeeeeeeeeee.

I would like to lose 10 more pounds by MD’s birthday. Or at least tone up the fatness. I can’t understand why I lose weight everywhere but my belly. And my boobs. They don’t ever fit into those cute little bras I bought. Can’t afford a gym membership, so I guess I’m doing situps at home. I don’t have the motivation to watch a video or something. I would go to a gym though. WIth someone. Like my sister. So if you’re reading, find us a cheap -CHEAP- place to work out.

And with that, laundry is calling.

I just want to crawl inside here and take a nap. Can I? And you know how much I detests naps.

Damn, every time I increase the lithium to the dose they want me to have, my eyes get blurry and I have to wear these farkin glasses. I feel better than I have in a very long time, so I think the dose is just about right at 900mg of lithium. Not sure I need that extra 300mg. SO me thinks I’m not gonna take it until I can see the doc.

There is still nothing in the paper. NOthing on cra!gslist. We have to find a house soon. The kids ask me every day. I’m going to leave early today on my way to pick up the kids and I’m going to drive around looking for signs. Please let me see a sign. On a house that fits us. On a house that has a finished basement BUT at least 3 bedrooms upstairs so Ian can stay off the steps. ON a house that we can afford.

Asking too much?

Mom is back at work. OMG I do not know how I survived that impromptu vacation of hers. I didn’t even know she was taking one. SHe just never fucking went to work last week. Holy hell. I think I was traumatized.

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Anyhooooo …….. back to business.

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My friend is in the hospital again. Seizure type thing going on. Plan on going to see her in just a bit. SHe needs to stop this shit. I’m worried out of my mind.

MB1 started his real week this week. He’s nervous. He actually got a ‘real’ job at this factory instead of just one hanging up hot dogs or some shit. BIL said it should pay real nice money too once he’s out of training. It already is paying real nice money so I am curious to see what he means. Might take my ass down there. I can make meat. I can hang meat. I love meat. My inner teenage boy is going crazy right now.

MB3 put his notice in. It will save us tons on gas. Tons. When he works, which is damn near every day, I have to pick up the kids, which takes about half a tank there and back. We are looking for a better gas mileage car so they can have this back. Everything is going wrong with it anyway.

Someone told MD about a job in KC paying a lot. A lot. Like 3-4 times what he’s making now. AND they pay your family’s insurance. !! I’m trying to find out whose unit MD needs to slobber on to get that job. Damn, that was foul. SOrry for those offended. YOu see I care enough to apologize but not enough to erase it. Deep down I am still a bitch. ANyway, there are leads on two other jobs as well. They pay about twice as much as what he’s making. I’m telling you – he ain’t making that much. Hopefully that will change soon. Fuck the lottery, I’ll take a real job that pays enough any day.

Ian’s legs are starting to give out more and more. It terrifies me for him to walk down the steps. We went to the park yesterday and they have those big jungle gyms that lead to the spiral slides? He made it up those steps 3 times. He had to pull himself more each time. He was damn near horizontal going up those steps the last time. I had to step in and say no more. I asked if he wanted carried, but he got pissy. I don’t blame him. Wore him out so bad he didn’t even bitch about using the wheelchair at walmart. He usually throws a fit. He hates people staring at him. I told him they were jealous he got to ride in the cool wheelchair and get all the attention, but I don’t know what impact that had on him. I came home and locked myself in the bathroom and cried. THis is really happening and I can’t stop it. More tears dammit.

There always will be tears I guess.

Still no news on the house front. There just isn’t anything out there right now.

Mom is still home on vacation. Yay me.

I am still going crazy. NOthing new there.

I have gained 7 pounds this week. It’s only Wednesday. Save me.

It’s day 3 for MB1′s new job, and so far so good. Pray it continues.

Maybe I can post a bit tomorrow when Mom takes MS for her colonoscopy – which isn’t routine, so say something positive, would ya? We don’t need that shit right now.

time to fly. not sure about the ssi yet, but we have to go soon. its time. I’m about to rip her head off if she gets snotty with the kids one more time. hateful bitch. yes, I am thankful she let us stay, but damn…… welcome is worn out.

posting from my phone so I can stay out of the basement right now. might get us kicked out if I don’t.

ssi chick said they have been counting mds checks twice, whicb should be why we stopped receiving benefits. hopefully its straight now.

there are no decent places to rent right now, and we pushed the boundaries pretty far. dammit. will check every day. pray something workable opens up.

Supposed to meet with the SSI office tomorrow concening Ian. If we’re not approved, we won’t be able to move out for awhile. If we are, we’re at a point where we can start looking.

Fingers crossed.

Slowly getting the pics of Flat Ian into the album. Yeah, I’m slow. I sent out a Flat Ian this morning, and have no one else on my list of people who want original copies – unless I forgot someone? Please let me know if I did. I’m brain dead most of the time.

I’m up to 900 mg of lithium in my system again. Little shakey, few twitches, but nothing major. Wonder if I can go up to the 1200 I was on before? Guess I could try it and see what happens. I can always cut it down.

I have gained 4 pounds the past 2 days – why? Because my stupid ass bought pinwheels and I can’t stop eating them. Cannot Stop. In fact, one is calling my name now.

Life is slowly getting back to normal around here. MD took the past two days off, but now he’s back to it. It was nice while it lasted. Kids are back in school too. So now it’s just me working on MD’s resume. Please let him find something else that pays better. Please. I need out of here. Soon.

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My oldest turns 21 Sunday. Ain’t that something? He was 11 when I started this blog. Funny part? He starts his NEW JOB Monday morning. His BIG BOY job. I’m so happy I could piss myself. Provided he doesn’t walk away from this muttering some shit about plant work being too damn hard, he should really start to improve his life with these checks. Get a car, get his own cell phone plan, his own car insurance — see how wonderful this will be? Knock Knock Knock

Unfortunately, starting the job MOnday means no drinking on his 21st birthday. We’ll buy him one to celebrate, but that’s about all he should have.

Ain’t life a bitch sometimes.

I have a sinus infection that has traveled to my ears. Nice. Hurts like a sumbitch.

Started the lithium up, and my hands are shaking again. Hope it’s something else. I would hate to have some sudden reaction to it. I love it. I thought it loved me.

MD is home today with his own sinus infection. More doc bills. More Rx’s. More little paychecks. Isn’t more lovely?

Kids are home due to the itsy bitsy snow we got last night. Still snowing, but it’s not supposed to really amount to much. So we’re all one big happy family.

Yee haw.

Had a scary moment in the car when I didn’t know where I was for a second. A few seconds, actually. I was driving my children home. Scary shit. Still in a slight fog. Like I’m high or something – but I’m not. Ear is hurting – ear infection? DOn’t know what the hell is going on anymore. I’m falling apart lol.

Brrr… I knew this shit would happen. Getting all comfortable with that 50′s and 60′s shit and then whammo – 20 degrees. I can handle 40′s. Not 27. No thanks.

I need to order checks. I know. Yes I still use them for some things to keep records. Like day care and the storage facility. But how to order them? With this address? I think not. I hope not to be here much longer. Then how? Bah

I haven’t done not one errand yet. I’ve been burning it up looking for jobs for MD. Few possibilities out there if he hurries. I’ll work on his resume shortly. I got nothing but time…..

Forgot to take the lithium last night. Fine job I’m doing of getting it back into my system. I need it. It appears very much, as I can feel myself slipping down again and it’s only been a few days that I’ve been without it. Have I mentioned lately how much I hate being dependent on a pill?

I have a lot of errands to run today, so why am I sitting here?

MB2 came over yesterday to pick up his student load check. He stayed for dinner so he could save his meal vouchers for some other day. I really like who he’s becoming. Very pleasant young man.

MD ate my lik a stik last night. Fun dip. Whatever you call it. He ate it. I had 3, he ate 1. Rude, no? That shit is like crack. I need at least one a day. Probably why my tongue feels like it was sanded down and I have a permanent blue ring around my mouth.

ANyone ever use proactiv? Have I asked this before? Humor me if I have and answer again. I have 3 sons that could use it IF it works. So give me the skinny, if you will.

MD got promoted at work. It’s what we’ve been waiting for. But instead of the $3 an hour pay raise, he got a buck. A buck. SO he’s a little pissed. Ok, a lot pissed. He’s usually off today, but they made him work. THey actually asked for people, and he said he would. Because he’s like that. He’s the only one like that. The only one who will work whenever needed, and they fuck him like that. It’s worse when you find out that the people that were hired after you that officially belong to the new company make more than you because the pay scale is higher. Makes no sense. Nothing makes sense. He’s dusting off the resume tonight and we’re going to hit it hot and heavy.

Ok, your lottery mojo – tomorrow night, remember. ANd remember that I share.

doc finally called. levels a little high but not toxic. said I had been three days with no pills at that point, and he zaid to start back at 300mg, and will increase slowly. that way we call tell what dose I should be at. he will get a level done in two weeks. I guess he’s ok time will tell.

Think I did a nono. I took a phenergan a bit ago for this killer headache I had, and I think i’s going to knock me out. Headache’s gone though.

Doc still hasn’t called. Wonder if they told him that I was holding up lithium until I tslked to him. Ass

Have I mentioned that I hate on call? Well I do. I hate on call. He works too much. I’m gonna love that paycheck though.

Fingers crossed for MB1′s drug screening he did today. We’ll see if he’s been lying to us or not. Boy he better not have been. Last part is a physical test which he should pass if given the chance. Watch, he’ll pass it all, and decide that working in a factory isn’t for him. I’ll beat his ass to a pulp. He’s going to work there at least long enough to get a car, pay us back, and get his own cell phone and insurance plans. THEN he can decide to kick it to the curb IF he enrolls in school instead.

Meanwhile….. MB2 made the Dean’s List last semester. I’m pretty proud of my boy. He still screws up, but I love him.

Little ones are all sporting A’s for the mid quarter – save one B in social studies. All of them. I hated that shit too.

Not sure about MB3′s grades. They probably suck ass because he works so damn much. He’ll be a quitting fool if that’s the case.

As for me, I feel better. Tremors have stopped completely. Jerks have almost stopped. Vision is restored. Nausea is gone. Dizziness is gone. Balance is back. Headache is gone. They wouldn’t give me my level when I called the lab, and the doctor never returned my phone call, so maybe that means all clear. Still would like to know how much to take and when. I need that shit. Right now I’m afraid to put anymore into my body. Surely he’ll call tomorrow. To not would be rude.

Please pray we win the lottery soon. I’ll pray you do too. Then we can move outta here and get our lives back. The kids stay in the basement all day and all night like cave dwellers. I am stuck playing on the computer with mom to keep her happy and occupied. Or else she wanders around looking for someone to bitch at or something to bitch about. This arrangement needs to come to an end soon if it’s to end well. Please God. Let it end well soon.

And you – concentrate – llllloooottteeerrryyyy. Much obliged. [I'll share.]

Well, MB1 got the phone call. He is to show up tomorrow for the next level of pre-employment. The drug screen. People, if that boy don’t pass this – he’s out. On his ass. He swears he will. We’ll see. At least the background check is over with and they accepted his record. Gawd, I have two kids with records. Mom Of The Year – here I come.

Went and had my lab drawn. It won’t be done until tomorrow because they have to send it to KC to have it done. Perfect. At least it’s done though. Tomorrow I will call up there and see how high it is, then call the doc to see if I can start taking the lithium again. This has not scared me off – I need that shit. This was my fault.

MB1′s girlfriend is over again. SHe’s cute and friendly. He’s happy and that’s all that matters. Still waiting on word from that job. All boils down to that damn charge. Stupid kids.

Sitting here waiting for MD to get back. He’s out on call. I hate on call. Passionately.

Also trying to ignore the muscle twitches going on right now. It has tapered down a bit, but I was fooling myself when I thought that maybe they were gone. My foot is doing the jig with itself, and nothing I can do will stop it. At least the hand tremors have stopped. And I was able to eat something earlier. First time in awhile. Blurry vision is a touch better. Half of me is tempted to go take my pills and see what happens. See if it truly is the lithium doing this shit. BUT I WON”T. I”ll wait until I get a level tomorrow. As long as the lab doesn’t charge an arm and a leg.

I only have a dancing foot.

I don’t want to go and waste the money in case its not lithium poisoning. our copay is 300 for the er. yeah. but they could test me and treat me, if need be. the clinic has no lab, and couldn’t do shit for me anyway, so they’re out. think ill go to the lab tomorrow and go from there.

can’t call the doc or he will bitch about having the level done there like he wanted. too bad the bitch was full of people and cost me 308 the last time I used it.

I can’t win.

my kidneys ache. sure that’s good news.

this whole thing has me freaked out a bit. doesn’t help wheb every site is like RUN RUN RUN to the er. no sites pop up for treat at home. dammit. this is what I get for taking them sumbitches faithfully.

All signs of lithium toxicity. Haven’t had a level done in quite awhile. I feel really off though. Like maybe I should see a doc. Dammit, I wish I knew what to do.

And when I was talking about dropping dead – that was a fucking joke! Damn, I didn’t know that shit could actually happen.

Any lithium takers want to weigh in? SHould I go to the doc? Or am I being silly?

whole body is twitching
hands feel like they have electric current buzzing through them
blurred vision
vertigo/ stumbling around trying to catch balance

That’s it. Mostly. Except for the vertigo, I’ve had the other 3 for a month. If it is lithium poisoning, it’s a wonder I’m alive lol.

MD is home for now. Totally expects to be called out (he’s on call). Part of me hopes they do for the money, and the other part wants to keep him all to myself today. It’s never simple.

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I feel very weird. Shakey, dizzy, have no balance, blurry vision. Maybe I should trim back on the lithium until this wellbutrin evens out. I’ll call the doc first. Maybe.

ATTN: if I drop dead from these pills – it was not on purpose. Note that.

Car is making some funny noise. And it’s shaking. Great fun.

Not sure if MD is working late tonight or not. I want him home, but his last 4 checks haven’t been worth cashing. Kidding, but still. I’m almost not. I need to get his resume in order. It’s time he goes somewhere where he’ll actually make a living.

And I need to get my ass in gear about a job. Argh.

I went ahead and paid an extra bill because the boys all pay on the 1st for their share of the cell phones and car insurance.

Not one of them can pay. All valid reasons. Sucks all the same.

Guess who gets to stretch her Abilify. Dammit.

My baby turns 21 in a couple weeks. Good gawd. I’m old enough to have a 21 year old. I feel it. It’s hard, but we’ve decided that it’s time to step him down from ‘presents’ and such. Adults just don’t get the luxury of presents on their birthday – at least not these adults. The one thing we do get however – is my mom takes us to the boat. We are given a crisp $20 to try and win millions. It’s actually pretty fun, and we look forward to it every year. So, we’ve decided to do that with our adult son – only there are a few options with us as opposed to mom – we’ll either go to the boat, play bingo, or go to dinner – just the three of us. He already picked the boat lol. I know it was hard for him though. To see the remaining little ones getting parties and presents…..I just can’t afford to spend 100-150 on every kid’s birthday forever. I just can’t. And grandkids will get $20 as well – toys or cash depending on age. We could have a SHITLOAD of grandkids.

Which has just depressed me. Again. See? No matter what I do. No matter how hard I try – my brain has to throw that in there. About Ian. But “I” don’t do it. “I” don’t say shit like that. “I” don’t purposely seek out ways to destroy my brain and blow up my heart. It’s not “ME”. It’s whatever this fucking horrorvision is that plays in the background of my mind all the time. I think it’s intrusive thoughts – OCD. I really do. It never shuts up. ANd it’s not me – I’m not just hearing voices. It’s a thought – shoved down my throat without me wanting to eat it. But that would be another pill. No wait – that’s what the psychotherapy is for. That’s right. Well I hope they hurry up and call. I need a break.

Not with it this morning. Actually I’m down again. I know it’s normal to have bad days and good days, but if you went to a lot of trouble building a machine to control the weather, you’d be pissed if it rained on its own. I take all these drugs, and I expect to fly right. I demand it.

But who am I?

Had another headache this morning. Not going to take the ambien and see what happens. Not really doing any good anyway. I’m more tired now that I am when I ‘don’t get any real sleep’. If my sleep is off because the increase had made me a touch manic, then maybe I should go with it until things level off again. I don’t know. He said missing sleep like that will cause a manic episode. I’d don’t see how, but he’s the doc.

Filed our taxes. Not that big this year since MD pays in nada squat. Told him to bump it down a hair. I’d paid in 10 times what he did, if that tells you anything. He claims the majority family unit, but still. Oh well, it’ll help get us a car and maybe get us out of here.

Our house is for sale. For half of what we paid for it. It was rough. Everything is broken and it needs redone. But we were working on it. SLowly. Very slowly. Now someone else can work on it.

Guess I should go finish the boys’ returns. They’d like their money too.

Tried a whole ambien last night. Took it at 8pm, was still up at 11:30 – wide awake. Laid down anyway and fell asleep. Didn’t wake up till 4am – with a splitting ass headache. Either the pill is giving me one, or the new scentsy scent did it. Leaning toward the scentsy.

On another med note, I went searching for balance issues while taking wellbutrin, and found that it also can cause hearing loss, as well as the vertigo. Nice to know. Especially since I’ve been a deaf fool for years now. Ok, not DEAF deaf, but if I don’t say, sorry mommy can’t hear you at least 3 times a day, well then I’m not awake. Just amazing what docs won’t tell you, because I know I’ve told them about my hearing before. And now I’m hearing that music playing in another room, and when I go into that other room – no music. Very depressing. Very startling realization that the meds I take are very powerful mind altering drugs and I shouldn’t forget that.

I also went to crazy meds last night and researched abilify a bit. Mainly because I can tell my dragon is waking up and I know it’s this increase of wellbutrin. It makes me feel alive, but maybe at a price. Not sure if it’s mania trying to sneak in, but it’s something. I almost spanked MB5 for having an accident. I was in horror for the rest of the night because of it. I’m just not like that ….. anymore. So, since the abilify controls the rage, I went to see what dose I could take. Only to find that I’m on the max dose. Soooooooo, max dose of that and wellbutrin, and the max dose my body can take of the lithium. Pleasant. Wonder if there are any new drugs out there that take care of rage. The skip in my step that the wellbutrin gave me is causing me to trip.

However, is it not good that I am realizing this shit BEFORE I run someone over on the street for wearing a speedo?