I had to take MB4 and MB2 to their pdoc appts today. MB4’s been seeing her since he was 5. That’s a long time. She has watched him grow up. Has watched all of them grow up. I like her. She doesn’t medicate on a whim. She is very cautious when dealing with increases and changes. Actually takes time to listen and learn about the kids and what they’re like. I just like her. That’s all.

——-

Been thinking about this kid L all day. Now I’m wondering how he’s going to get to school since his dad took his car. I can’t take him, nor can MD. Boys can’t either. Well, they’ll both be heading there next year too, but at the same time? We’ll see. And if he does pull a car out of his ass, where’s he going to park? We have space for 4 cars – and that’s barely. We’d have to rock a drive in the back yard and worry about digging out the alley in the winter so he could get out. I know I worry too much.

That’s what I do best.

What’s the next holiday? I ‘m ready. Not that work is bad or anything, but I’m ready to deep clean this house. Never enough time on the weekends to get it done. And we have a small house. I use to want a big house. Not now. I don’t want to clean it, and I don’t want to pay utilities for it. I like my shit small like it is.

I think I blew my diet today. Cupcakes and cookie dough and tons of crackers. SO damn hungry. No willpower today. I just drank my weight in water so I hope that helps to curb some of this munchie madness. We’re having a good dinner tonight, so hopefully I’ll be too stuffed to snack later. Didn’t buy chips today on purpose because that’s all I want to eat these days. Then again, that might have something to do with the lithium and exercising and oh yeah, my period starts sometime soon as well.

———

Kids asked us tonight if L can move in after graduation. He’s a sweet kid — a little bit of a freak with his piercings and such — but still a real sweet kid. His parents have a special needs kiddo, and L is stuck as caregiver most of the time. Parents kicked him out before for smoking. They are on his bank account and use his money at will. I realize that there are two sides to every story, but I never really cared for the mother anyway. The special needs kiddo is in MG’s class. He’s the little guy she dotes on. Just never really cared for the mother at events and such.

Lot to think about. I’m not worried about space or food or anything like that. I’m worried about worrying about another human. Being responsible for another little person. Having my guts ripped out with worry by another kiddo.

Told them he would have chores like everyone else. Told them he would smoke outside like them. Told them he would not come and go as he pleases. Told them that just because he’s 18, doesn’t mean he has no rules. Etc, Etc. They seemed to get it.  I talked to MD, and I know this is a done deal — EXCEPT that L would need a housing waiver for college, so that he doesn’t have to live in the dorm, and living with friends isn’t on the acceptable list.

I guess it will all work out the way it’s supposed to.

Scale said 131 this morning. Insert dance here. What’s that without clothes? About 127 or so? I wanted 120 naked, so I guess I have about 7 more pounds to go. I hope I can find a happy balance after I lose the weight so I don’t gain it back. Right now, I have cut back to two sodas a day (used to have 3 or 4), small runs 3 times a week (and I mean small so I don’t hyperventilate and keel over), and 3 nights of sit ups on the bouncy ball (about 100-120 each night). I have never eaten breakfast, so no change there, and for lunch I usually eat something very small — cheese and crackers, tiny bowl of chili, soup, etc. Fridays I eat out at work and out with mom that night, so it’s a little harder to lose that day. For dinner I eat like normal, but it’s usually a smaller portion because my stomach just isn’t used to big meals anymore. Which means I’m usually hungry about an hour later, so I munch on crackers. Someone said your stomach is only the size of your fist anyway, so how can you put a whole plate full of food in it? Gross. Stretching it all out and shit. Eww. And weekends I’m up later so it’s harder to go without that third soda. Sometimes I do it, sometimes I cave, but I must be doing right because I’m losing the weight almost dot for dot like Fitday says I should.

I can see a difference in my belly. I guess 7 lbs is bound to be noticeable somewhere. MD says my boobs are smaller too. Wonderful. Although I do have 2 very pretty bras that I can’t currently wear because my shit spills out over the top and looks oh so attractive. Mounds of squishy booby just flopping out there in the wind.

Sure hope you weren’t eating or anything.

Who twitters, and why? Honestly, how do you do it? Can’t blog, and I damn sure can’t twitter. No surprise there. But I know a lot of people who do, and I guess I’m jealous that someone can wrap up their thoughts in a concise 140 word blurb.

I have to redo our taxes, because the asshole temp agency I worked for TWO YEARS AGO sent me a W-2 for the two weeks into last year that they ran my last check into. Makes sense, eh? Not. I think they just want to piss me off. Hopefully it won’t make that much of an impact. We’ll have to pay something now, but I hope it’s not much. Assholes.

I bought MD an anniversary/birthday present. I know I shouldn’t have, but he goes without for us. He works 3 jobs for us. He’s been taking his lunch so that we’ll have extra money for bills. He doesn’t complain ever. So I spent quite a few dollars and got tickets to see George and Reba in KC. Wow, I could have bought a dishwasher. Ok, not really. But close. MY concerts were never this much money. I’m told that it’s because MY concerts weren’t of this caliber, but I do protest. And let’s not forget that present #2 is that I’m actually going to sit through this blasted thing with him. And I ain’t exactly a country gal. I like Reba, but I am not so familiar with George Strait. MD’s been singing his songs ever since I told him trying to trigger some repressed horrid memory I have of someone else exposing me to country, but alas, I cannot recall hearing these songs. Or watching that movie. Guess I need to rent me some Pure Country and see what all the fuss is about. Will I have a good time? Hell yeah.

I plan on getting so ripped that George sounds like Journey.

I used to find new places to read in my referrals, so I went there, dusted off the place, and looked to see who’s been here lately. This was the very last person to visit my site…. Go on, read it. I’ll wait.

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&source=hp&q=shaved%20my%20ass%20and%20now%20it%20smells&aq=f&aqi=&aql=&oq=

Is that a fucking joke? I mean, someone actually typed that into a browser and wound up here.

It might be time to shut ‘er down.

I didn’t go to sleep. I went reading instead. And I came upon this over at Sooz’s place:

How when she started blogging, “Writing was like a therapy for me back then . . . After years of this type of writing, plus a lot of counseling and addiction treatment, I found myself well and happy, which was great. But I didn’t know how to write from this healthier place, so I just stopped. I felt like I lost my voice.”
Isn’t that just it? That’s it exactly. For me anyway. I’ve spent my entire life trying to ‘fix’ me. Always something to work out. And that something was always driving in everything I did. Especially blogging. My sickness was my fuel. I still have the sickness, but it’s …. healed under wraps handled right now. And that means no more fuel. Nothing more to write about since there’s nothing more to work out. That’s it. I’m not used to writing about ME – this me. This life. I’m not driven to this outlet for the advice and support and warmth and friendship like I was before. I still love you all – those that helped me all through those years and those that still hang around — but I don’t need you like I did before. And wow does that make me sad and free at the same time. I finally get it now.

So how do I switch gears and find a new reason to blog? How do I turn this into a happy little place with happy little thoughts instead of a place to bitch and vent? ‘ Cause I rarely have a need to bitch and vent anymore. I just don’t. And that’s good, isn’t it? We’re supposed to be happy and life is supposed to be free from bullshit. Right? But then what is the fuel for writing? What drives me to come here and shoot my load if all I’ve left are blanks?

Do I come here and drone on about my boring little day with my boring little life? Do I change it altogether and bring more pictures into the mix? Do I jump from theme to theme?

——–

And yet the whole thought of planning out a blogging style goes against what I’ve always believed in – that blogging should be honest and raw and true and unscripted and and and —– you get the picture. But maybe I can use more photos. That would force me to take more pictures – something I’ve not done in years. I get better, dad dies, and life just sort of shuts down for me. Sad.

But at least I feel better now realizing why things have slowed down around here. Better than thinking I just turned into BlahBitch.

Friend got let go from her job the other day. She’s been there forever, and made sweet money. They use her as an attack dog, and then fire her for unprofessionalism. Is that how you spell it? Spell check no likey. Tough noogies.

ANyway…. they let her go with a very chunky severance package, so she’ll be alright. There are a few job prospects around town as well, and she hated the stress of her job anyway, so perhaps this is a blessing. Still sucks though.

Which means she’s free this weekend to take the kids. Wee one is up and around and feeling better, so she’s taking them all for the night tomorrow. MD and I won’t know what to do with ourselves. We’ll still have the older boys, but they’ll be off doing their own thing. Maybe we’ll go play bingo with mom, ’cause that’s the kind of party animals we are.

It’s 8 oclock and I am thinking about heading to bed. Little ones were so excited about tomorrow that they went to sleep already, and it’s sounding better and better to me. Especially after the last few wicked nights with mb5.

Home today with the wee one. He has pneumonia. Not sure what to do about tomorrow. Hopefully MD can take the day off. I hate missing work. Hate using PTO time. Hate just the fact of not being there when people depend on me.

Wee one won’t take the liquid meds, so I ordered some Feverall online last night. No one around here carries it. Look it up if you don’t know. Then the doc got him to chew on a couple meltaways while we were at the office – ’cause his temp spiked to 104 and he was pretty out of it. Think I’ll give the chewables a try as well.

MD’s birthday is coming up. So is MB4’s. Not sure what to do for either one of them. All MB4 wants is to have 2 friends spend the night. Worries me because I’ve never met these kids, and his friends always tend to be a little …. nuts. I know one plays online with him, so a video game might keep him happy, but the other kid used to pick on him and he claims now that the kid was just kidding and he likes him. Sigh. He still has a hard time judging people and their intentions. I hope this kid WAS only joking before and is not just some jerk. Or worse, I hope he doesn’t laugh when he gets the invite. That would crush MB4. And then I might have to crush me a 5th grader.

Hair it is. Hardy har.It’s not done yet. I still have to put the darker golden on it. But I’m waiting so my shit don’t fall out.

My washer stops agitating at the same time my dryer stops drying. Fantastic. Let’s hope Mr. MD can work some magic when he gets home. I need some magic. Bring on the magic.

My house is mostly clean again. Makes me feel better to not live in filth.

Went out to the Mardi Gras parade with MD and my mother and my aunt and my cousin. Wish I could say that I had fun. I got drunk. I got sick. I got a headache. I got some pills and got better. The End.

Pills have made me sleepy.

I want candy. I’ve lost two more pounds so I can’t have any candy. Boo.

Couldn’t work out this morning because my head was thumping. Have to make up for that this week.

Think I’m going to go lay down.

Busy Mom dusted off her search strings the other day and it reminded me that I haven’t answered mine in awhile.

stardust    - that’s the number one search term? huh?
f*cking walls    - ok
now thats what i call music – not sure how i can help
buying a house sucks    - yes it does
shakingdance    - you have me confused with someone else – i don’t dance
power rangers    - now this makes sense – guess what’s playing right now
filthy people    - i hate them too
fucking pills    - i hate them too
donkeyc*ck    - pardon?
bana bear    - is there possibly two bana bears out there? we have one
angie f****d moodymama.com – now that’s a little scary
power rangers operation overdrive – i must be the power ranger queen
gone michael grant review – that’s over at the review place – warning, it’s dusty over there
donkey dick – now come on
sexnada    2 – what is that exactly?
felix the cat bag of tricks – not going to find that here
big donkey dick    2 – i really need to watch my mouth
don t feed the dragon – i’m the dragon, bitch. feed me ice cream.
i ve had a stroke can t keep my checkbook balanced – sorry for your luck, how’d you get here again?
moody ocd – now that makes sense
how to firm up ass – when you figure it out, let me know
gee your hair smells terrific good or bad – i love that shit
what does your family talk about? – sex, drugs, pills, genetic disorders – the usual
friday the 13th part 9 deluxe edition – review side please
madagascar move the escape afro. – review side please
hey you out there on your own sitting naked by the phone – i’m not touching you. and if this makes no sense to you, look it up
i am tired of the bullshit – amen brother
moody mama pajamas – think you want that other site
pixar short films vol. 2 – review review review
let no bad happen – i say that too
donkey big dick – this is getting ridiculous
itchy tattoo – i remember that shit – sorry i can’t help – but i can’t wait to do it again
now christmas – shut yer face – xmas is over – let it rest for a bit – time for heat and shorts
to fly a kitten moodymama – what does that mean? i’ve never …. oh never mind
good boy good mom – is this something sick?
dont feed the dragon.org – are you serious? there’s a website?
going home behind the scenes with ben aflleck – how did you get here?
mary poppins broadway facts – i REALLY have no idea what you’re talking about
fuck over 60yo mom – now that’s not nice
finally human – amen to that
headache central – you’ve found the place
don t tell me ive gone crazy – it’s probably not a secret
i m so tired and moody help – aren’t we all
depakote how much it cost – quite a bit, and it makes you stupid – rethink please
deep clean one room each month – i like the sound of that – wait, did i say that once? must have been back when i was cleaning
big donkey dicks – who are you people?
how soon after chemo can i get a tattoo? – geezus, i don’t know. my sister might though. maybe she’ll answer.
don t tell me i gone crazy – i must have really been batshit before
dig cafe world    - i don’t play anymore – get out of here
i m so tired of this bullshit – why are you guys drawn here? do i bitch that much?
behind the scenes mary poppins broadway    - i never said shit about this. never.
moody momma s clothing    - that’s the other site. hello.
so you think you can dance get fit tone and groove – i gave this away. hope it works for you.
cant watch movies on abilify – i can’t either. makes me unable to sit still. it’s a bitch, but then again, why waste your life watching movies? life minutes you can’t get back.
moodimama – you’re ignorant
heart attack ackackackack – what the fuck?
moodymama really colds – this made sense to someone
twinkle wish adventure spanish    - made sense to someone here too
mary poppins just a spoonfull of sugar mp3 – i hate mary fucking poppins. go away
mr bean s holiday goofs    - ick
moody mama pajamas sale    - other other other site
now that s what i call christmas – is that a singalong? i bought one once and my kids fought the whole damn time it was playing so i took it and chucked it out the window. merry christmas.
laundry sucks – you felt the need to type that into a browser? what was going to happen? some magical fairy was going to pop out of your ass and do your fucking laundry?
mary poppins film techniques – go away i said
mary poppin secrets on broadway    - omg
mary poppins special effects secrets – omgomgomg – are you serious? have i ever said that shit? i need to go look into this. all these mary poppins people are being led seriously astray.
i hope things are well – thanks, but why are you typing that in the first place?
dont tell me your crazy    - i won’t then
i wish i could hibernate – did you know that they eat twigs and brush and dirt before they pack up for the winter so they don’t have to go to the bathroom for months while they sleep? digusting. you go right on ahead
donkeydicks – i just don’t know what to say
tired of slow ass dialup – you’re kidding right? show of hands – how many still on dial up?
gone michael grant – he’s gone alright – to the other site. move along
why buying a house sucks – cause it takes money , that’s why genius
what makes you pee yourself – you’re a dirty bird, aren’t you?
show secrets about mary poppins    - mary poppins was a bitch who secretly beat the children.
mary poppins musical secrets – omhell
silvermist iridessa rainbow – what?
door knobs and broomsticks the movie – i don’t watch shit like that
nice.com seacret cod for pengwin of madagas car game – hooked on phonics worked for me
folican user reviews – you lost me- you mean focalin? works well. now learn your meds
club crackers breading – i’d say just crush the sumbitches up
well now the thrill is long gone the feeling is all wronggot me feelin uncomfortable all in my own homeand your ring tone song deleted from my phoneand damn i use to love that song when it came on    - is that a country song?
mary poppins stage show mistakes – STOP IT
fake letter to be off work for colonoscopy – afraid to tell them you’re really being drilled up the bunghole? not sure why, totally acceptable – and a SMART reason to be off work
took a whole new turn – and wound up here. damn the luck.
we hope things are well down there – thanks
corn huskers lotion semen – WHAT? i just shudder when i think of who is really here reading
john leguizamo spanish soldier in tropic thunder – not sure what landed you here. not at all.
tired of this bullshit – i must have said that alot
donkey dicks of moms – of moms? that’s a new twist
www.he f*cks his own mama.com – sick bastard
does being bipolar make u not work lie moody – what? does that make sense? being bipolar makes me LOVE work. i work like a dog. i work better than everyone else. now, add in pills? THEN i don’t want to do shit. but that’s life buddy.
the making of mary poppins – seriously, why are you here? i need to check this out.
what drugs can help with freighting thoughts ang bipolar – again, makes no sense. what are freighting thoughts? you mean fleeting? i dont know.
info@moodymamas.com – hey now, stay away from my info
difference between hohos and swiss cake rolls – only EVERYTHING – duh, hohos are distinct and wonderful and swiss cake rolls are mushy and generic.
jocuri hotelul tipton – i don’t even know what that means
moody shit – i deal with moody shit all the time. what about it
motor stereo pity aspergers – again, what? make more sense please
bana the bear – that’s my baby
mood meter today moodymama – it’s good actually – feel pretty good, thanks
i… could use a stiff drink – i….. could too but it’s against my diet religion
buspar mb2 – doesn’t work that well, sorry
how the sims3 have sex and have a baby on phone    - i could probably get pregnant over the phone, but im not sure about the sims.
tuesdays on the phone to me – ah, a beatles fan. me too buddy.
moofy muppet – there’s no way you got here with that
don t mind me i m just crazy – thanks, that made me laugh
sex 50 to 60 mam clip – nothing like that here, sorry
friday 13th bonus features – other site
dont doodle bop no more ima offical rump shake    - you’re an idiot
what a bitch – i’m rather offended that led you here

Some gal from freecycle is coming by this morning to get some glasses I offered up. She’d better show.

My house is a sty and I’m just sitting here reading blogs.

The last of the fake nails I had put on finally fell off. Only took two months and 4 soaks.

My hair might not be ready for more dye. I’m debating on whether I like my hair on my head or in my hands.

I did the island lap on wii fit and it about killed me. But I did it. Our team is winning right now, and I don’t want to screw it up for us. My teammate was the biggest loser this time around. I lost 4 pounds in 3 weeks. Not so great. I’m at 133, only my wii fit says 134. So I’m going with 134. Still. I’ve been here for two weeks now. That’s about 129 without clothes, and that’s my magical number when I stop losing weight. Can’t seem to get past that barrier. I need to get on the fit more, but time is always slipping away. Mom wants me to take some zumba class, but that requires money and time. And desire. Not so sure I care about some class. Then again, my teammate is doing it, and some kickboxing class as well. And she’s losing twice as much as me. I just don’t think it’s for me.   I want to lose 9 more pounds. That’s not a lot. But tell that to me when someone brings home ice cream. Or licorice. Or Or Or. I think I’ve kicked the chip habit. Haven’t had one of those in a few weeks. But the ice cream? That kills me. And I still managing to keep it to two sodas a day – mostly. The weekends are hard because I’m awake longer, but so far this morning I haven’t had my fix and it’s almost 10. Pushing it back as far as I can.

Alright. I need to get laundry done and this house cleaned. Have a great day.

Some bitch girl called today and demanded to know why she didn’t get paid. Guess she had direct deposit, but it didn’t go through. Talk about heart attack. I was instantly sick to my stomach. I told her I’d check into it and call her back. I spent 30 minutes scouring through my reports and asking others if they got paid and basically just losing my mind. Then I call her back and she tells me that she changed accounts 2 weeks ago and wonders if that could be the reason why. Bloody hell.

It was just payroll question after another today. Then it was HR issue after another. I was able to solve them all without much trouble, which is good. Means I’m finally getting the hang of this shit. Boss lady is sending me to a few payroll seminars in KC this spring. Should help me out.

My hair. Egads. When people say what happened instead of hey cute hair, you know you have a problem. All except the owner. He was at the copy machine, and I walked in the room and he said – hey I like your hair. I laughed and said you don’t have to be nice, but thanks. He look honestly confused and said, no I really like it. Told him thank you. Then today he gave me a thumbs up. I assume he was referring to my hooker hair. Nice guy though. My boys liked it too. So did Jason. Just don’t get it. Must be a guy thing.

I hope to have it darkened up a little tomorrow and me happy again. And please don’t let my shit fall out. That would suck.

———-

I feel like I haven’t had a crazy doc appt in awhile, but I guess it’s only been a month and a half. I should make another one now, but I’m really doing ok I think. Haven’t had a manic episode in years. Ain’t that strange to hear? Years. It’s been that long since I’ve dealt with this shit. 5 years now. 5 years of meds and questions and learning and living again. I was thinking back on some of the things I did and it makes me sick to my stomach. I can’t get inside ‘her’ head anymore either to help understand some of why I did the things I did. It’s just nonsense and craziness. There is no explanation other than to say I was living some other reality. And all this talk about purple sky – it’s all blue bitch. Always been blue and hopefully will always be blue. If it ever turns purple again, we have serious issues. I don’t want it to be purple again. Ever.

———–

MB5 hurt his foot again falling off the steps. Or so he says. This has happened 3 times now. Different foot each time. And he limps so I know he’s hurt. Doesn’t forget sometimes or seem to dramatize it. It is what it is – hurt foot and he drags it. Two times before he’s had xrays and it’s been nothing. Do I take him in again? They’re going to think I beat him. Actually, I wonder if it is connected with his poor growth and poor motor skills. Bad bones or something. This first look place is a part of the rehab clinic, so hopefully they explore all the options and find out what the hell is wrong with him. He wants to skip so bad like his friends. Just pitiful. And painful.

Not sure what to do about his other issues. Not so bad like MB4’s. Just like that ole shake and bake theory of the doc’s – that you take the family history of ocd, anxiety, bipolar, and add and put it in a bag and each kid gets shaken around in it at birth. Some pieces stick more than others. All traits are likely to be a part of each kid, however slight. He’s a touch of this and a touch of that. Just enough to drive ME crazy. And his teachers. And I guess it interferes with his learning, so maybe he does need to be seen. But how embarrassing to have to 3 kids to the head doc. Just can’t do it.

And to top it off, MB1 told me that he thinks he’s in a depression and might need some help. I believe the poor kid too. Such low self-esteem. Friends all growing up and moving away. Life changing at a pace he’s not comfortable with. Lives in a world online with very little outside contact other than school and work. He’s very self-conscious about his acne, so I bought him some severe skin treatment stuff. If that doesn’t work, we’ll go to the dermatologist. Should have done that years ago and not made the poor kid suffer. But that takes extra money and that’s hard to come by sometimes.

——–

Have a little extra from the taxes, and it boiled down to two choices – dishwasher since ours broke 4 years ago, or a new bbq grill since ours is on its last leg. And we use the grill so often since our broiler in the oven doesn’t work. No, I don’t plan on fixing it any time soon. Not important as long as we have a grill. But man oh man wouldn’t a dishwasher be nice.

In the end, I bought two tickets to see George Strait and Reba. My honey likes country, loves George, our 20th anniversary is coming up, and he had wistfully mentioned the concert when he thought the closest they were coming was OMaha. I heard a gal talking about going yesterday, looked it up and saw that they are going to be in KC on the 9th of April, and bought the tickets this morning. I sent MD a text afterward —– section 110 row 3 , happy anniversary — he replied, you better not have. Told him I did and that I loved him. He said he would have been ok with the dishwasher. Told him we have 4 of those at home. Haven’t heard from him since. He has a ref job tonight, so it’ll be late when he gets home. Not sure if he is excited about going or is concerned with how much the tickets cost — cause they weren’t cheap. I almost could have bought a cheap dishwasher. Dammit No, no dammit. MD has never been to a concert, and he works 2 and 3 jobs for us. I don’t feel guilty about spending this money at all. Our anniversary is April 7th, so I thought maybe we could take off that day and spend it in KC exploring the shops or something. Kids’ll be in school that day, but MB3 can watch them afterward and that night. It’s not the romantic trip I had imagined or the new ring or the renewing of our vows, but whatever works, eh? It’ll make him happy. Or at least I thought it would. We’ll see when he gets home.

———

I’m rambling huh? Tough. I pay to ramble.

———

My plants are all dying. Like they do every winter. SPring better hurry up so I can stick them back outside. I don’t know what i do wrong, but they just don’t thrive indoors. They turn brown and shrivel up and my poor wandering jew gets crunchy because I forget to water it. Then the ones that make it to spring get put outside and magically come back to life again. I’d love to have spider plant. Saw one at the hairdresser’s place. Are they poisonous? Wouldn’t want these piss anywhere they want to cats to munch on some bad plants. Cough.

———-

MB2 bought a microkorg — it’s a keyboard looking thing — and has informed me that he has a band and they are going to book some recording room time so get their music out there. Cause it’s on his life’s list to have at least one song listened to by a decent amount of people — online listeners would count — and to have them like it. He has taught himself to play piano, and he’s not bad at it. Now, I can’t play anything other than silent night, so compared to me, he’s fantastic, but I still think he’s pretty good overall. And some other kid plays the guitar, and MB2 also plays the bass I guess. Knock yourself out kiddo. Just remember that if you get rich and famous and people start digging into your personal life and I suddenly can’t get a minute’s peace – I’ll not be a happy camper. Not at all. And my gawd are there a lot of skeletons in this family that I would like to remain in the closet. Anyway. When they have a song done, I might throw it up here so ya’ll can take a listen. I’m curious to see if they are any good or not. Not sure I can lie and tell them how great it is if it really sucks. Could you?

————

MB3 is away tonight at the Great Wolf Lodge in KC — with his girlfriend. Her parents took about 6 kids down there for her birthday. It’s this place where you do all kinds of neat things, I think mostly water rides and such. Boys in one room and girls in the other. Dad in with the boys and mom with the girls. People at work looked at me as though I was nuts for letting my son go away for the weekend with his girlfriend, but they aren’t really together – right? Right. Besides, he’s a good kid that does everything I ask him to, and then some. He deserves this. It does sort of bother me though that they’ve been dating a year next month. Isn’t that a bit long for a 14 year old? I want him to be happy, but I also want him to sample the buffet and not get stuck with the one course. I guess it’s sweet in a way…. could be high school sweethearts and get married and live happily ever after — but that’s a long shot. Guess we’ll see what happens.

———–

My  boys should be home from work here in a minute, and then they’re off to a friend’s. My cue to head to bed since they have company with them and I ripped that bra off hours ago. No free peep shows here. Besides, how sexy is it when your headlights point in two different directions?

super blond = hooker hair

i now have the bleach blond po white trash look

just gets better and better

at least the streaks are lighter, more golden now

i have a darker golden blond to try tomorrow

perhaps pics when it’s done

I’m so sad. My  mom paid for me to get my hair done by a “pro”. Color was her expertise. My hairy ass.

I realize that it was red and that’s very hard to make blond. I get that. But …… oh man.

She lightened my hair first. Fine.  Then she foiled SOME of it. Half of it to be exact. So I have half orange, half white hair. Ain’t that sexy. THen she said she ya in 6 weeks to finish. WHAT THE FUCK? Seriously. I had to go to work like that today.

I bought a dye after work to try and fix it myself. Nope. Orange still there. I’m on my second run now. My hair is not happy. NOt happy at all.

Pray for my hair.

Everyone is on the mend, thank gawd. That was rough.

Then the snowstorm hit. The first one. Another one due tonight/tomorrow. Lovely. Took me almost 90 minutes to drive home the other day in that shit. Trip usually takes 15. I have to go to work Monday, so they better hop on them there roads pretty quick like after this second storm.

MB1’s birthday was yesterday. 19 now. Ain’t I just the old bitch.

I’m down to strawberry blond. Now to find a nice golden blond to hop on to. I’ll take pics when I upload the camera software again.

Had to dump my computer and reload thanks to SOMEone — I don’t know who — who happened upon a nice virus and tore my shit up. Thank gawd for Mozy. Worth every nickel to save my pics and music. And my mymoney file. For some reason I always forget to back that up, but Mozy had a copy for me. Since I had my budget figured until August, I really really appreciated not having to redo that over again.

MD is at work. I miss him. I spend my life missing him. Guess it could be worse.

I’m still at 134. Then again, I ate at Cheddar’s tonight and I had ice cream last night. I can tell I’ve lost, cause I’m wearing my size 8’s again……. WHOOOOOOOFUCKINGHOOOOOOOOO!!!!…….but it’s not enough. I still have a belly that embarrasses me. Still hate for MD to touch me on my stomach. Can’t have him in the bathroom when I take a bath or shower or get dressed. He might see my flab and get disgusted. I know I have issues. I wish one of my issues was that I hated food.

Moody Mama is set to expire one month from ….. yesterday I think. I ‘ll renew. I always do. Cause I just know some little pecker is just dying to suck up this domain name. WELL TOUGH SHIT LOSERS. YOU MISSED OUT 8 YEARS AGO. I’ll NEVER LET THIS BITCH GO.

heh

I brought some leftovers home and they are calling my name.

Let’s add MB2, MB3, MB4, and MB5 to that sick list. Jeezus it’s been fun around here. It’s like the stomach flu gone wild. I’ve done more laundry in the past 24 hours than I’ve done in two weeks. Luckily, I haven’t got it yet. Nor has MD. Good, ’cause we have to work. I stayed home today, but I have to go to work tomorrow. MB2 and MB3 will be home watching over the little ones tomorrow. Everyone is on the mend except MB2, so at least it doesn’t last long.

But don’t come over. My house smells like yak.

I did payroll the other day from start to finish and I think everyone got paid correctly. I hope so anyway. No one has called to bitch so far. I was so nervous. I wonder if this anxiety will ever go away. I never used to be this ninny-ish.

It’s heart day and I started this morning. Figures.

MD is out stocking stores. I wanted to rent Brothers at War for us to watch tonight, but it doesn’t seem to be at any of the redbox locations around here. There’s one in Leavenworth, but am I really going to drive about 50 minutes each way for a movie I can buy for $16? But I don’t want to buy it until I know if it’s any good or not. Reviews are mixed.

I’m bored. I dyed my hair again, lightest auburn, but I can’t tell a difference yet while it’s wet. Maybe I’ll buy the next step while I’m at walmart today. Following Michelle’s advice and going lighter in stages. I’m at the lightest red I can go now, so I guess it’s time to start with the darkest blond. I just don’t know what I want. As usual.

Savan MG has the stomach flu. I know that’s exciting.

I’m outta here.

I weighed in at 137 at work last wednesday. The start of the contest. I weighed myself this morning, and I’m at 134. Then again, I had one helluva day today, so I probably gained a few back.  But that’s with clothes on, so hopefully that means I’m really 129 or something close to it. I’m only trying to hit 120, so I’d be within 10lbs in that case. I really want this. I haven’t been exercising much because my fitness cd keeps konking out on me. I’ve cut back my dr pepper, and started drinking crystal light lemonade — but man oh man does my tongue hurt from all that acid. I’m only allowing myself 1400 calories a day, but I’m not really watching what I eat exactly. Not snacking too much though. Well, I wasn’t until the kids showed me their valentine candy bowl. Egads.

Anyway, enough of that mess.

I’m thinking that maybe I should talk to the doc about this extra water/exercise shit since I take the lithium. Something is wonky with my system and I wonder if that’s it. I was told early on that my diet affects this med, so maybe that’s it. I’m just mopey sometimes. More than usual.

I wish I could get fired up again. But not at my kids. Trade off time. I know that. I just wish for a bit of mania sometimes. Something to know I’m still alive. I love my life now, but ….. you know. Same ole shit I always complain about.

————–

Our 20th anniversary is coming up and I need some ideas on gifts. Something cheap but not cheesy. No coupon books for blow jobs or shit like that. No massages or foot rubs. No promises to take over chores or dinner for a bit. And no actual jobs of blowing, come to think of it. That’s more of a birthday thing anyway. I wish I had the money to get him a new bbq grill. Ours is falling apart. Not sure it will survive much longer. The bottom literally rusted out. Classy. But, the kids need new glasses and dental visits. Priorities you know.

————–

Anyone want two cats? I’m about sick of their asses. All they do is eat and sleep and shit. They don’t play with us or let us pet them or come when their called or play with toys or meow or anyfuckingthing a normal cat should do. Dumbasses.

—————

I am having a horrible foot cramp. I thought I’d share that with you. Come back in two days and I can talk about my menstrual cramps. I know you can’t wait.

—————

I’m ready to go back to blonde. I’m tired of this dark shit. I feel older and ugly and just blah. I need some sunshine on my head in order to feel better. Thing is, I’m afraid of taking it back myself. Took 14 tries the last time I went from red to blonde. 14 tries and a fried head. Not to mention fried hair. My shit just fell out. I would like to keep my hair on my head this time. So, it’s off to have it done somewhere, but where? I think mom will pay for it if I go to a friend of hers. But can she be trusted? How do I know who to trust? Hair color experts is gone and they’re the ones I was going to use. Dammit.

—————

Ok, time for bed. Have a wonderful heart day.

Just filled out MB2’s fafsa for school. Turns out according to their estimates, he’ll be eligible for more than enough to go to college next year. He can either live at home and rake in a tidy sum every semester to pay for books and what not, or he can stay in the dorm and work his ass off to make ends meet ’cause he isn’t getting enough to stay there. Same goes for his older brother as well. Looks like I’ll have them around for at least another year.

I’m just happy they both can go for free. At least it’s something our poor-ness can do for them.

I’m feeling blue lately, not that I’m trying to use that as my excuse for not posting, as I have none. But you know that by now. I don’t post anymore. Rarely anyway.

MS’s husband lost his job. ANd he made very good money. Please keep them in your thoughts. She’s still supposed to go to the doc next week, but now she doesn’t want to go. I understand where’s she coming from, but …….. I don’t know. SHe should still go.

Wee one has an appt with the First Look clinic in APril. They asked a bunch of questions first, and agreed that he needs to be seen. I feel like I’m living the MB4 nightmare all over again. Only this time the school is on board and almost pushing me to take him for help. Shouldn’t they do testing of their own? I would think so. They said he can’t have services without an IEP, because he didn’t have an EIP. Huh? Whatever.

ALright. Off to finish the older one’s taxes and get laundry done. My life is just so damn exciting.

I love Gordon. Kitchen nightmares makes me cry. There’s my sappy shit for the day. I think he’s really neat. Neato.

I have two boys working at Sonic now. MB1 quit his restaurant job to go to work at Sonic with MB2 – only he might have a shot at the asst mgr’s job since he’s 18. Kinda sorta chaps MB2’s hide, but whatta ya do? I hope summer hurrys up and gets here so they can both get some hours. People visit SOnic more when it’s nice out. RIght now both boys are being called off right and left. They both have bills to pay and cars that need things fixed. I damn sure don’t have enough cash to help out. I’m the one needing the money from them to pay part of their cell phones and car insurance.

How do I get these fake nails off. They are driving me crazy. I soaked them in acetone for 30 minutes – nothing happened. I clipped them down so I can actually do shit now, but they still bother me. Do I just have to wait until they grow the hell off? Geezus.

I did payroll by myself (almost) this week, and so far no one has called to bitch about their pay. I’m still waiting though.

The school called and wants MB5 evaluated. Have I mentioned that? Don’t remember. ANyhow, I took him in today to the regular doc, and they referred him to First Look in KC. We’ll see how that goes.

Moody Sister has found two lumps in her breast – let’s get those prayers going. Please. Appt is the 11th. I will admit that I do not check my breasts. I am terrified I’m going to find something. I plan on making my pap/mammogram appt next week however. I won’t tell you how long it’s been since I’ve had a pap. It scares me too. Haven’t had that colonoscopy repeated either. Yep, scares me too.

But, now is the time to get all that shit out of the way. We have cancer indemnity now, and if I’m going to be sick, now’s the time to do it. I guess. I’d rather not though. If it’s all the same to you.

My eyes still hurt from Ramsey’s show. Me thinks the tears come a little too easy. I wish spring would hurry up so this pesky depression shit can blow over. It’s not a full fledged episode, but even a hint of down-ness pisses on my parade.

I guess we’ve decided to let MB1 and MB2 smoke at home now. Outside, but still. Part of me says that this is just condoning the behavior and making it worse. Part of me says that they are both going to smoke regardless, and they are never at home anymore BECAUSE we won’t let them smoke. They are always at X’s or Y’s because they can smoke there. Or they are hanging out at work -where they can smoke. Or even just in their cars. It hit me that they aren’t trying to get away from us every night – they just want to be able to smoke. So we talked about it, and I guess we’ll let them do it outside. MB2 actually had a friend over last night instead of going over to this kid’s house. This kid smokes too – hell, they all do. They went out to the car after dinner and came back in ready to play video games. Felt really weird knowing that I was ‘allowing’ him to smoke. But we really don’t know what else to do. I brought home a pamphlet from the doctor’s office today on smoking. But I remember how I was at that age and beyond. Couldn’t tell me anything. At least they don’t smoke too much. MB1 doesn’t anyway. I’m afraid to know how much kiddo #2 smokes. I just can’t believe I’m having this problem anyfuckingway. Both of those little shits used to gag and choke and cough and hack and wheeze and bitch and moan and yell and whine and complain and finally guilted me into quitting. And when I finally do – they light up. Asses.

Pleased to report that MD is on day ….. what day is today? Day 29. He’s on day 29. Almost made it a month. One day at a time.

The biggest loser starts monday at work. Weigh in. Whooooo. Someone told me to drink lots of water that day so that at least I can show some weight loss at the second weigh in. I just hope I don’t make a fool of myself. I hope I at least lost SOMETHING. I already watch what I eat – and lose NOTHING by the way – so I’m going to add back in the ole exercise and see what happens.

MB2 got his acceptance letter to MWSU. Not that that’s a hard thing to do, just that I guess it’s official that he’s going. It’s my goal to have them all go to college, and so far we’re 2 for 2. I take that back — I would personally rather have MB4 join the military, but that’s never going to happen. He’s perfectly suited, and loves the whole idea of it, but they won’t let him in if he’s bipolar. I understand the why’s, but it still sucks. I just know he’d be at home in the service. Taking orders, the routine, the weapons — just a good fit. Now a policeman, on the hand — big no no. He would have to use his own  judgment for each situation, and that wouldn’t be good. He’d be a great doctor, but he would suck at talking to patients and family  “properly”. Dad’s surgeon had aspergers – I’d bet your nuts on it – and he was just awful on giving us any news. He just spat out facts no matter how brutal it was for us. He was a very kind man, don’t get me wrong, but he really should have had someone else break the news to us that dad was dying.

Wow, that sentence stung.

Today was my first official day as the human resources gal for our company. Office boss said at the slow pace we are transitioning now, we’ll never get everyone switched over. So, into the fire I go. On the job training. Hope I’m ready.

MD is on day 20 of not smoking. Pretty damn good. He’s gained 6lbs, but he can use a little weight. A lot of weight.

I’m so tired lately. Depression. Period. Winter. Who knows. I just know that I’m tired.

Joined the biggest loser contest at work. Hopefully it will keep  me on track. I just need to lose 10lbs. That’s it. 15 would be great, but for 10, I’d kiss your ass.

Tried taking 5mg of the celexa, but it killed my sex drive/function right away. I could handle a little dampening but a total shutdown is unacceptable. MD wants me to give it a chance, but then he gets frustrated when sex involves a shoe horn. Can’t have it both ways.

Why is it that when I tried trimming these fingernails down, it hurt like a sumbitch? They aren’t even real! Felt like I was being slammed every time I clipped. But I had to, they were just too long to do anything and I couldn’t get them off. Tried soaking them in acetone remover, but I have the patience of a gnat, and I’m sure it wasn’t long enough for it to do any good. I’ll just wait until they one by one get caught on shit and rip off causing me all kinds of agony.

Had my appt yesterday. She’s gave me a low dose rx of celexa again, and I’m to play around with 5 and 10mg to see if I get any benefit from that low of a dose. I felt better after a mere few days the last time so she’s hoping it kicks in around the 5-10mg level so I don’t have to go any higher – because I won’t. ANy higher and the sexual side effects kick in. Not so sure they won’t at the lower levels. That’s what I’m going to play around with. I hope I can stay on it this time. It really made me feel better and stopped the effing checking and rechecking at work.

I look all kinds of shittay, but here it is anyway. This is a pic from the night of the wedding. I’m awful shiny.

Me and these nails don’t get along very well. Can’t type worth a shit. Can’t open a pop can. Can’t scratch very well. Just not sure if I can take these long term. I do like the way they look though.

Had a heart to heart with MB1 last night. He’s been sliding on the whatever-the-hell path lately, and shit has to improve. If he wants to live here that is. I hate to say that, but man, this isn’t a flop house where he can come and go as he pleases. He’s not going to keep us in the dark about his plans and have us worry when we don’t know where he is. He’s not going to stay up until 6am playing video games, get up at 1pm, and get pissy that he has to take turns playing the game. We told him to chill out with the video games, to chill out with the cussing, to chill out with the disrespectful-ness, and we told him take a little responsibility for a  change.

We’ll see what happens.

So much to say, so little motivation to do so. Maybe this is the year that I shut ‘er down.

I should elaborate on the wedding last night. How handsome my husband looked or how relaxing-ly fun it was. I should tell you that I popped for acrylics for the big event, and then lost the ability to pull up my own pants after taking a piss. I should say that I kept my coat on the entire time by claiming to be cold – and it was cold – but that I was really just too ashamed of my bulging middle to lose the coat and get out there and dance. I should say that I still had a great time, and I hope the happy couple find as much happiness as we have.

I should announce from the rooftops that I didn’t drink last night. I started out with the intention to get shit faced, and I even made a special blue hawaii concoction to help me out, but these meds I take made it so hard to drink sometimes. The heartburn feeling I get is mind blowing. I got sick after two drinks, and decided to let MD throw’ em back. He’s not much of a drinker, but he did have 4-5 woodchucks – spread out over 6 hours. What animals we are. But the most important thing is that I was the designated driver. That just never happens. Our lives are changing.

I should mention that our tenth anniversary is today. That I still love this man more every year, if that’s possible. That we spent last night remembering how special our relationship is. That we rarely fight. That we compliment each other’s person. That we are so incredibly different — yet the same. He told me how pretty I was and how he loved me more than anything else in this world. I don’t need much more than that.

I should tell you that about how fantastic freaky night we had after we got home, but I won’t. Damn shame for you too. Oh, and uh, I was sober. Who knew that shit was possible sober?

I should say that I put on my green coat last night because my white coat was dirty from digging MB2’s car out of the alley snowbank, and how it must have been fate because I put my hand in the pocket and pulled out my camera — the one I lost last year and accused people of stealing. My bad. I’m an idiot. I apologize to those people I cursed last year.

I should also mention that this blog is now 8 years old, and that just blows my mind. I know I put this blog in jeopardy when I started taking the medication, and that I don’t blog nearly as much as I should these days — but those of you that are still left standing at this train wreck mean the world to me. I mean that. I consider each and every one of you my friend. My real friends. I love you all and I hope the new year blesses every one that reads this.

Happy New Year!!

Tomorrow marks the two week point for these headaches.  Joy. Could it be because of a UTI? I think I have one. Pissing every hour on the hour. Totally unlike me. I’m a twice a day gal. If that. This is ridiculous. Either it’s an infection, or I’m pregnant. And since I just got over Aunt Flo – probably not likely. MD wouldn’t let me live anyway.

Doobie Brothers ……. aahhhhh…. it keeps you running …….
I’ve had to get two shots thanks to these headaches. I’ve taken way too much medicine trying to kill them on my own. I wish it would hurry up and ride its course already.

I had to dig MB2’s car out of the alley tonight. Go me. He had it high centered, and man was it tough to dig that shit out.

I’m tired. I think I’m going to go lay down.

I have had a headache for two weeks now. I’ve been spending many nights online waiting for the medication to start working. I’ve found myself at the virtual makeovers site trying to figure out what way to go in terms of hair color. I’m still torn, but the site helped a little.

Black and dark brown are no-nos. I think it’s safe to say that. I just look horrible in shit that dark.

Blond doesn’t look THAT bad, but I still wasn’t that impressed with it.

So, that left red. And I went for it.

Now, I like it, but if it just looks totally wrong – say something. Before is what I looked like with the dark shit growing in , and the red is me this afternoon..

Hope your new year is a blessed one.

We have a wedding to go to on New Year’s Eve. IF we can find a sitter. MD doesn’t want to straddle MB3 with the kids again since he has plans. Not sure if the older boys will watch them. Hope so. I’m supposed to find a little black dress for this wedding. Do they sell little black dresses that hide 20lbs? Hope so. ‘Cause that’s what I’m packing. It will also be our celebration for our 10th year anniversary. The family anniversary. The other one will be in APril – the 20th. Wish we were rich – I’d be racking in some serious jewelry.

I’m a failure as a mom. What a nice ChristmasEveEve post, eh? But I am. Why else would my two oldest boys be smoking? MB1 claims to only smoke when he drinks, but MB2 isn’t riding that excuse. Insert big sigh here. After all those years of bitching at me – and he was the loudest one. Now he turns around and lights up. I told him that I needed to drop 20lbs and lose some stress and I know just how to do it and I don’t have to feel guilty about it now. He just put his head down. SHithead.

My house is clean for the moment and I am getting ready to start baking. My friend is coming over tomorrow night and mom will be here on Christmas day. Presents are all wrapped. I’m ready. I can’t wait to see the kids’ faces this year. Should be a good year.

There’s a girl at work that just started. She said they are having a rough time buying gifts this year since she was out of job so long and her husband was laid off for a few months. I feel terrible. I wish I had something to give her. I wish I had money to slip her in secret. Just slide it in her purse. I wish I wish I wish. She should have said something earlier, cause our work adopted 6 families this year and she could have been one of them. I know she didn’t want to mention it, but it kind of slipped out today. I hope someone is able to help her. She has a 14 year old girl and a 11 year old boy. I wouldn’t even know what to get them even if I had the money. Maybe MD will get a big bonus by some miracle on his check tomorrow. I can dream, eh?

Since I’m real shitty about updating lately, I will officially say Merry Christmas now. Have a fantastic holiday, and may the new year bring many blessings.

Hadn’t realized it had been this long since I checked in. Sorry.

MD isn’t sure if he’s taking the new job or not. It doesn’t pay very well to start. In fact, we’ll go back to the same might lose the house level we’ve been at the past five months. Then again, it has very wonderful benefits and the opportunity to advance is fantastic. On the other hand, he’s back on a nice paying route and he likes his job. He’s just hurt that they could screw his over like they did. We seriously almost lost the house because of this. Still not out of the woods. I have two more payments to make before we’re caught up, and that means lumping it with current payments – and that makes for a very large mortgage payment. We’ll somehow make it. I hope.

So, I’ve been somewhat depressed. I didn’t have any more for Christmas either, and that didn’t help my mood. Then my friend and my mom stepped in and took me shopping. That lifted my spirits tremendously. Now Christmas is done and the kids will be happy and I’m more than happy. The house is out of foreclosure and things are looking up. KnockKnockKnock.

Other than that, everything else is about the same. Kids are doing well, MD and I are great (I think – will still never know 100% since that drama in 2006), and I am doing better at work. I stopped the celexa and lowered the anxiety med, and what do you know? I’m not checking the paperwork as much. Maybe I just needed the confidence boost that I DO know what I’m doing. The celexa gave me that, so it wasn’t all bad. Still glad to have my mojo back though.

I miss dad. Have I said that already this month? I do. It’s so hard this time of year. Christmas was his thang.

Speaking of losing someone – hope over and give Michele some love. She lost her mama to the cancer monster recently. It just never ends. And it won’t end until we find a cure. Step up and do something the next time you hear about a cancer fundraiser or a walk  – it could be your family next.

I would like to get the cancer insurance offered at MD’s work, but it cost so much. SO much money for a just in case type of thing. I know I’ll get it sometime, but will it be this year? Who knows. Do I want to spend $80 a month right now? I know that doesn’t seem like a lot of money to some, but every little bit helps right now. Then again, if I get sick, we’re financially ruined. I have a week to decide. Lovely.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas/Holiday season if I don’t pop back on before then. Count your blessings.

Moody Sister is ok. Surgery went well, and hopefully this is the last round of that shit she has to deal with.

If anyone wants to exchange Christmas cards, just holler. Shoot me an email with your snail mail addy, and I’ll get one of these dollar store cards in the mail pronto. Someday I’ll be able to afford the pretty ones, but for now, you get the traditional assortment for your viewing pleasure.

Moody Sister had to have surgery again today. Sure wish they’d get it right for a change. Check in when you can.

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Tree fell twice today. Had too many ornaments anyway. Now all the glass ones are gone and the tacky plastic ones rule. Suits me fine. Star on top is on its last leg though. It’s missing pieces and just looks horrible. Maybe the Christmas fairy will bring us a new one.

Something just fell off the tree. Getting a wee bit tired of fixing this shit tonight.

I stopped the Celexa a week ago. Couldn’t handle the no sex thing. And I mean no sex. Nada. Completely Broken. I don’t even think so. I know it’s about out of my system because I have my mojo back, but things are still better at work. It’s not as easy as it was a week ago, but better than a month ago.

Christmas shopping is done. Thanks to my friend and mom. There’s no money here for presents, so thank gawd for them. I’ve kept a tally and when I’m able, they’ll get theirs.

There’s things a brewing here on the job front, but I’m keeping mum until things happen. Just in case and all.

I will say that he’s back on a route, and the pay should increase. Too little too late bastards.

I haven’t posted here in awhile. Damn shame to pay for something and not use it. And since I have no intention of giving it up anytime soon, I guess I better get off my ass and post more.

We put our tree up last night. Doesn’t seem to matter what kind we get, they’re all gorgeous in the end. Really helped my mood to have it in the house.

MD has to work the volleyball thing tonight. I’ll be waiting for him tonight when he gets home. Just to make sure everything works. So I guess I better hop along to the bath and prepare myself.

I’m pretty sure the celexa is making me sleepy. When I take it later, I get sleepy later. Takes about an hour or so to get into my system, and then the yawns start. And they don’t stop. Not till late the next day. Very annoying.

And I’m only just begun the 30mg mark, and already my sex drive has vanished. Don’t happen even if I force myself. Fucking how do you do.

I don’t sense an increase in my snacking though. At least that’s something.

I’m going to ride it out and give it time to work its magic. I already feel better at work. I’m not checking the worksheets but once or twice, instead of 10 times. Major improvement. But is it worth my love life? Gah.

• Tomorrow: Periods of rain and snow. Temps nearly steady in the mid 30s. Winds N at 10 to 20 mph. Chance of precip 90%. Snow accumulations less than one inch.
• Tomorrow night: Snow in the evening will give way to lingering snow showers overnight. Low near 30F. Winds N at 10 to 20 mph. Chance of snow 80%. 1 to 3 inches of snow expected.
• Tuesday: Cloudy with rain and snow in the morning. Rain and snow will become intermittent in the afternoon. High 39F. Winds N at 10 to 20 mph. Chance of precip 60%.
• Wednesday: Mix of rain and snow. Highs in the upper 30s and lows in the mid 30s.

Guess it’s time to break out the hats and gloves. Dammit.

———-

Day 3 of the Celexa and I feel nothing. Not like I expected to this soon, but I’ve got my eye on this shit in case I suddenly turn into Ms Munchie. I’ve lost 4lbs the past week, and I would really hate to ruin that. I WON’T ruin it.

———–

I am so damn sleepy I can barely keep my eyes open. But I took the pill 3 hours ago, so I doubt that it’s the celexa. Guess it might be. Who knows. Who cares at this point. I just want to go to bed. And so I will.

Saw my doc yesterday. She said that my constant checking and freezing up over stupid shit is more OCD than anything. She gave me celexa to try instead of the buspar. She’s nervous that taking another anti-depressant might cause a manic episode. But I say bring it on. As long as I don’t lose my marbles. I guess I wouldn’t mind a HYPOmanic episode.

Speaking of, I haven’t taken it yet. Let me do that real fast….

OK. Yum yum.

So, the celexa is a weight gainer and a libido killer. Fantastic. Same exact reason why I didn’t want the Zoloft. We’ll see how this goes. I wish I was a little bit lighter so I had some wiggle room. I’d say right now I have about 3lbs to give before I start FreakingTheFuckOut. WOnder if that’s enough.

But I’ll try it. I’m so frustrated at work that I can’t even see straight. Literally.

Sad, but I must go back and read to see if I’ve mentioned what life is like at work…

Wrote this on the 8th :

It’s like I get paralyzed. I can’t think, I can’t function, I can’t do anything. I get so petrified that I’m going to screw something up, that I freeze. Can’t breathe. Awful.

What’s happening is this — I audit the figures from the stores onto 4 worksheets. Those worksheets are posted once they are verified. Then they’re posted to the General Ledger. Before I go to post, I check the worksheets to make sure everything is checked off. Then I check them again. And again. Then I make little check marks on the bottoms of the pages to tell my brain that I’ve indeed checked that shit already and can stop now. Then I finally tear myself away and go to post. A box pops up and asks if I am sure I want to post – and I’m not. So I check again. A few times. I check the date and store number at LEAST 10 times. So many times that my eyes get blurry and I can’t see shit. When I finally bite my lip and hit POST, another box take me to the GL posting area. Then I get to enter the store number and date again and another fucking box pops up that says ARE YOU SURE? And I take it so personally and it kicks me into RECHECK mode and I must do it another 4-5 times before I finally close my eyes and hit the button. Like I’m going to explode or something.

On the days I tell myself that I did it right and post without checking and rechecking – I make some stupid mistake that bites me in the ass and causes me to run right back into the arms of the recheck monster. Every Time. Last time I hit the wrong date – and since I didn’t recheck it, I had to manually change the date on 157 transactions. Not fun.

I need a snack.

See? hasn’t been but 10 minutes and I’m already eating.

MB2 has been having very intrusive thoughts the past few years. They’ve really stepped up the past 6 months, to the point that he cries in the bathroom to get them to end. Thoughts that tell him that if A happens, then he’s going to hell. Or if B happens, he loves the devil. Or if C happens, he’s going to be a serial killer. Very real thoughts, very persistent. I should know – I have my own that the docs can’t seem to manage. Have to do A or all the money will disappear. Have to do B or the kids will die in a fiery crash. Have to do C or I’ll lose my job. It’s bloody hell.

ANyhooo – I wasn’t sure if it was OCD or anxiety running crazy — doc said they are one in the same when you boil away all the fancy words. So she prescribed Zoloft – same thing that MB4 is on for HIS OCD. Controls it beautifully. I will NOT allow my doc to go the same route, as Zoloft put 50 lbs on me the last time. Not thinking so.

And I have to be careful and watch MB2, because he has a mood disorder, albeit a minor one, and you might hurt someone by giving them anti-depressants without a mood stabilizer. She said she’s not sure he’ll need one, so I’m to watch him. Nice.

Then she started talking about my thoughts. I know she was trying to help recommend other meds for me, but all it did was connect me to The OCD Monster – which means I just don’t stop giving my children gifts that last a lifetime.

Let’s see if we finish this post or set it to draft for a few weeks. Or forever.

Not really much to say, just sitting here waiting for an acceptable time to hit the hay.Actually have to play tooth fairy first, so I have to make sure MG is asleep before I make the swap.

I did more with the payroll today. Learned about 941’s and 940’s. And garnishments. And state withholdings. And adding new hires. For some reason, this shit doesn’t stress me out nearly as much as posting numbers. Strange.

It’s painful to watch the wee one play soccer. He can’t run, he still can’t jump, he can’t kick. He has no idea of the rules of the game. He is often running the wrong direction. It shames me to say this, but I want to pull him out so that “I” don’t have to suffer through anymore. Guess that makes me a bad mother, but so be it. If I thought it was going to help him in the long run, it’d be different. But I don’t think he’ll get better till someone steps in and starts working with him on how to improve these gross motor skills. And that someone isn’t me. I’ve tried for years. Nothing I’m doing is working. I’ve been waiting for the school to say something, but they haven’t. Guess I’ll ask him teacher when I see her for the end of the quarter.

—

Again, this was written awhile ago. I have a bad habit of starting posts and never finishing them.

Anyway, I DID talk to his teacher, and she agreed that he needs help. So does the PE coach. They are going to put him in alternative PE – not sure what exactly that is, but I know it’s better than him hating the PE he’s in now. Other kids make fun of him because he can’t do anything. They are also going to see about getting him some OT at the school. That would be sweet.

Other than that, she said he is doing fine. OTHER than the other bastard kids poking fun because he can’t even keep up when they’re walking in line. Kindergarten. How can kids be that cruel in kindergarten?

—

In other news, MG’s teacher said she has more compassion than any student she’s ever had. I guess she dotes on her friend L – who happens to be in a wheelchair. And she can’t help H enough – a little gal that has ?? She’s super tiny, and her hands aren’t formed properly.

Her grades are decent. Her reading is better. And her heart is gold. That’s all I need to know.

Received a note from MG’s teacher about her reading. Seems that she will get extra help DAILY thanks to some AIM test score or something like that. Thank gawd. She really needs help. I’ll still work with her here at home, but I’m glad that they recognize she needs extra shit at school too. Finally.

—

I started that draft a week ago. Since then, MG has doubled her words per minute speed.  Amazing what a little one on one will do.

Taking the ring off of a new jug of milk.
Or that foil cover off of a new ketchup/mustard.
Wrapping up the vacuum cord.
Waiting for the microwave.
Giving the kids a bath – I know, bad mom.
Checking the mail.
Commercials.
Cooking.
Being cold.
Putting on makeup. Although I do it every day.

I’m sure there are more, but I needed to bitch for a second about these in particular.

Although I don’t really bitch anymore. Don’t have it in me to rant. Sad, eh? I miss it sometimes.

Bah, I miss it all the time.

Accepted the HR position. Have had minor panic attacks ever since. Still not for sure if I’ll ‘get it’ or not, as the HR gal has to like the new position she’s taking – fuel. Gag.

My appt is Thursday. I really need them to fix this anxiety shit. It’s horrid. The only time I feel normal is after taking a headache pill – and it has a small dose of muscle relaxer in it. The ativan and klonopin and valium and and and – none of that does a damn thing. Figures I’d be immune. It’s like I get paralyzed. I can’t think, I can’t function, I can’t do anything. I get so petrified that I’m going to screw something up, that I freeze. Can’t breathe. Awful.

I wasn’t like this before. Before they FIXED me. Granted, I don’t throw shit anymore, and I don’t run the house by yelling anymore, and I don’t think of every man as a snack anymore, and I don’t terrify myself anymore – but now I have other demons to deal with. Memory loss, anxiety attacks, kids running all over me — what’s the better life? I can’t tell anymore.

Sad thing is, they have me so wrapped into these drugs that it’d take a Very.Long.Time. to rid myself of them without withdrawal – and that’s with the taper down method. I firmly believe that I’ve been changed forever by these pills. That I can’t ever get back ME completely – if I wanted to. I can’t put into words what happens when I try stepping down off of even one of these Rx’s. Nothing I can live with.

——-

Day is too beautiful to sit around moping about my lost self.

I had four kiddos play soccer this year. None of them were on teams that dominated the playing field, but every damn one of them were on teams that were the first to line up afterward to shake hands. Sometimes even being left standing there by the opposing team forfuckingever before someone finally noticed and got everyone lined up. Sometimes even being left there until the coach finally called them in for snacks. I’d much rather my kiddos learn the good game lesson than to be on the asshole coach’s ‘winning’ team.

Now to just get this season over. It’s damn cold outside.

Too much pressure to post on facebook. Too many different groups on there for my liking. Friends, bloggers, family, school friends, message board friends, coworkers, on and on. It’s enough to make your head spin. Not possible to filter shit that thoroughly. So, I never post. Sad eh?

Well, I turned down the fuel and they offered the HR position. There is one other gal who is thinking about it as well, but she said today that she didn’t think she wanted it. So that leaves me. Hell yeah I’ll take that shit over what I do now. Good gawd. Although I am getting used to auditing. There’s a certain rhythm to it that keeps you going.

They hired an intern to help out until Christmas. She’s posting now too. That helps tremendously. So even if I don’t get the HR job for some reason, at least the pressure is off for a little while to post all by my lonesome. That sucks.

I can post all the stores now! I know that means diddly squat to you, but it means that I have ‘arrived’. Thank you. Thank you.

—-

MD can’t go on his ride along with that other company because he has to stock stores tomorrow. Ain’t that the way it crumbles. Can’t run the milk route either, and we need that money for Christmas. Not sure what money tree will sprout to make that happen. Something needs to give soon, or we won’t be able to stay in this house. And the thought of moving in with my mother or my friend just doesn’t appeal to me right now. Nope. Sure doesn’t.

—-

MB4 wants to write stories. He said that his brain is in the right place at the right time for writing. Glad one of the kids feels like that. Glad the meds haven’t stolen that fire from him.

—-

I have the Sookie Stackhouse book – the first one. Haven’t read it yet. Waiting for the mood to hit me. I guess I’m in a Twilight mood right now.  I’m starting to get excited about New Moon coming out, as much as I hate to admit that. BUT — MD is too. He talks about it more than I do. He’s been listening to the books on CD – and he’s already read them himself.

—-

OMHell, I love her but please make her be quiet for one second so I can finish this post.

—-

Guess that’s not going to happen. We’re now talking about neighbors and clothes and animals. …….. please please rescue me …….. moving in with strangers who have a big enough house when you get kicked out of your house (wouldn’t she like to know how real this almost is)…… and how do you get money from your job. …… why do you still tell me that the tooth fairy is real …. MB5 stop touching me. ……. I’m not in the mood for apples , isn’t that strange? people usually want apples in the fall …… where are my pajamas, I need soft ones tonight. ……..

Gah

I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t want the extra fuel shit on my shoulders right now. Ever. It’s a 7 day a week job – that’s the main reason. Not to mention what I said before about way too much responsibility. I hate running from it, but my brain isn’t cut out for that mess anymore. I will tell them on Monday. Wish me luck.

Little kids are spending the night with my best friend. She takes them every few months or so. They love her dogs. So it’ll just be me and the older boys – who are all bailing as well. So just me and MD – who has to work tonight. So just me. Guess I”ll read Twilight again. Or go to bed.

MB5 is feeling better. MD took the last two days off with him since I don’t have PTO … yet? Let’s hope I get a slew of shit in November when the benefits kick in.

They talked to me today about doing learning fuel. Good and bad with it, but what choice do I have? I have to show them that I am willing to take whatever they have to throw at me. It would involve 30 minutes of my time Saturday and Sunday.  I’d order fuel and manage the supply for 12 stores. Seems to me that it’ll be easy to get an ass chewing if something goes wrong.  I hate this. I can’t say no, but I don’t really want it. But they’re going to teach me all aspects of the job and the other parts I like a helluva lot better than posting numbers. It’s always something, eh?

103.4 …….. so I sit here and wait for the meds to kick in. Am I the only ninny that sets her alarm clock every two hours when the kiddos are sick just in case they run a  fever at night? Well I do. I don’t see any other way around it. They rarely get up to tell me that they have a fever, and I don’t want it running crazy high.

He actually took the meds like a champ too. Usually he pukes it all up. MD is going to stay home with him tomorrow/today. And maybe the next day. I know my work will let me off, but he’ll be paid for it, and my benefits don’t kick in for another 3  weeks.

Gawd I’m tired.

And my eyes itch. Hope that isn’t a bad sign.

And just like that, the little man goes down. Fever cough fatigue vomiting — any takers on what the doc will say tomorrow? I bet I know. Variety doesn’t matter – he’ll have one strand or another. He ALWAYS gets the damn flu.

I usually don’t take him in until the third or fourth day, but I will take him in tomorrow with all this swine shit going around.

Thanks for the reading suggestions. She’s being put into a special daily program at school to get her some extra help. I’m glad. I know she needs it, and I can’t do it alone – I can barely keep up with laundry. We’ll still work on it at home though. I went and got her some June B Jones books, but she didn’t really seem all that interested. Maybe I’ll hop over to Magic School Bus and see if that does it. If not, I have plenty of other suggestions to work through.

—

Company picnic went great. Kids had a blast on the 2 story slide and bounce house. Older boys played volleyball with MD. I ran around with MB5 the whole time playing on the playground. My boss (the owner) came up and talked to me for a bit. He’s a really nice guy. I’m glad I didn’t screw them over with that other job.

They’re hiring someone else at work. I’m not sure what position it’s for, but I’m hoping it’s a part time gal to help me audit stores – like I was a month ago. I went from posting 1,2,5,7,8,10,12 and added 3,6,11 – and I know they are getting ready to train me on 4 and 9. But I can’t post stores all by myself. I need at least a little help.

They were talking the other day and one of the maintenance guys said that him and his wife were considering adopting her sister’s children – but that one of them was bipolar so it gave them pause. Everyone got quiet, nodded their heads, and didn’t say anything. Later, we were talking about days off, and I reminded my office boss that I needed Tuesday morning off to take Carson to his appt – and then I let loose with why he needed to be seen every two months for medication management. Again, everyone just got quiet and nodded. Really weird. Either someone in the office is bipolar and they are trying to ease around the conversation, or something has happened with someone they know or they have talked about this before and they have a really bad juju feeling about it. Let’s hope someone in the office is bipolar. That would be great.

———

MD is stocking stores. He couldn’t run the milk route because there’s no one to stock. This is the third run he’s missed. That’s $750 for those playing along at home. I needed that shit for Christmas. Sweet. Wonder if the kids would mind IOUs. Kidding. We’ll find a way. Always do.

MD has a preview interview on the 14th. He thinks he can get the afternoon off, but it’s the real interview and ride-a-along that he’s going to have trouble with. I need a good reason why he needs to be off two days. And we don’t know if they’re back to back days or what. Hopefully he’ll find out  more at the preview. I know he wants this job. Same job actually, just easier product. A lot easier. And the pay is better than this fool shit he’s got going on now.

——-

What does everyone set their thermostat to in the winter. I’m trying to get ours as low as possible without freezing to death, but I think we’re a little spoiled. I’ve been to two houses that I swear you could see your breath, and I wonder if maybe ours is set too high? It was at 74, but I lowered it to 73 and 70 at night. Is that too high? The house feels chilly at these temps. But totally livable. I think you should be able to wear a sweater in your house and not sweat. MD thinks you should be able to wear shorts in your house and not freeze. You see the problem.

Anyone recommend a good dvd burner? One that takes vcr tapes and converts them to dvds? We have about 20 home videos to convert and mom has about 15. Four of our tapes no longer work, and I’d like to get them transferred over before the rest of them go bad.

I didn’t realize that the library had music. I’m in heaven.

———

Company picnic is tomorrow. Taking all the kids except for MB1. He’s ‘busy’. Whatever.

———

I need some good chapter books for 2nd grade level. Anyone? MG isn’t the best reader, and I’d like to work with her on it. But I know we need some more challenging stuff. Sad that none of the kids really like to read like MD and I. If only we had the time, maybe they would see it more and take up an interest.

———-

MB4 has come so far from the little boy who didn’t care if you tucked him in at night. From the little kid who wasn’t at all concerned with other people and their feelings or problems.

Tonight he’s bothered by the fact that my mom is alone and probably lonely. He’s already got her mentally moved into here so we could be her company. (NOT) He’s really sad about this. He wants to know how she eats alone and who she talks to at night before bed and who does she watch tv with. Something must be clicking up there in his brain, because sympathy is new territory for him. I’m glad. I don’t want him worrying about her too much because he gets obsessive about shit, but I’m glad he’s caring about people.

——–

Ahhhhh Elton John.

———

I had to go with a smaller amount of life insurance today, because anymore and I would have had to fill out a form that asked for all kinds of shit – and it would have gone to our HR gal —- who is basically HR, accts rec, and part time audit gal — and she would have known that I was bipolar and what meds I take. No thanks. So I lowered the dollar amount, and problem fixed.  I seriously thought I was going to throw up when I thought I had to fill that shit out.

I am so not ready for that little secret to come out yet.

Was offered insurance today, and I think I get paid holidays. It would be so much easier if they just came out and said this is what the benefits are, but since I’m too chicken to ask, I guess we play the wait and see game.

So let’s see……

I finally get my own desk at work. I have been sharing one with a gal that is hardly ever there. But now I have my own. My boss went out and spent a dime or two on spiffy new office supplies for me. I’ve been given two more jobs to do.  I’ve been introduced to the managers at the stores. I’ve been signed up for the health fair and flu shot. I’ve been invited to the company picnic. I’m basically the only one auditing right now because the other gal is trying to learn how to do the fired gal’s work. I have a small part of it, but she has the rest. She posted 4 stores, and I have 5. I guess I have 9 nine now.

Then I was offered another job. One that paid way more an hour. But it was with the same company that dicked me last year. Same situation too. Temp for now, position will be permanent in the future.

I was having one HELLUVA time figuring out what to do. I like where I work. They need me now. I’m finally fitting in now. I’m so damn shy and it takes me so long to open up and I’m finally talking to the other gals and joking and I didn’t want to screw them over. Especially since I would have had to give them one week’s notice.

Then I was told that there was a screw up and the position was already filled while they were asking me. Ooops. SOrry. Whatever. Pissed, but just proves my point that I’m where I need to be.

This fire.fm is the most used add-on I’ve ever had. I really dig it.

–

Another night, another bottle. Tonight it’s Sangria Bacardi Silvers. Tasty little suckers. Might have more than one bottle. Might have them all.

–

Finally having my toe ‘worked on’. Damaged the nerves in the Army oh so many years ago. Boots were too small and the drills didn’t give two shits. I’m on some meds now to ease the swelling. I’m told it’s a neuroma, and I go back in two weeks to read the xrays and rule out structural shit. Hopefully they can figure something out. It’s painful as hell when I have to wear regular shoes, and the weather is cooling every day.

–

At work they fired a gal (and then asked me to go full time) — her job was pretty important, and they are scrambling to get things back to normal. Me and the other gal that verifies/audits are being asked to learn certain aspects of this other job. I don’t mind. It gives me something else to do. Breaks up the routine.

Still don’t know about benefits and such. I don’t have the balls to come right out and ask about it. Been trying to hint around and see what I can learn that way. Not much.

–

MS was back in the hospital this week. Had to have surgery on her colon. It got twisted and blocked. Nice. Let’s hope that doesn’t happen again. She needs a break.

Still one more out there in Soccer Land tonight, but he should be home soon.

Until then, I’m going to sit and relax and enjoy the quiet since the other ones are in bed. MB2 came home from work early, so now I have someone to stay here and watch the little ones sleeping while I head out and get MB3 from his game. Otherwise, the youngest three would have to stay awake and go with me to get him. That would suck. They were already falling asleep on the couch when MB2 walked in the door.

I also did a few loads of clothes. Only folded one load, one is in the basket still, and the last one is in the dryer — but at least the clothes are clean in case someone needs a uniform or soccer shit.

I didn’t clean the house, but I picked up every room and chased things back to where they belong. I’d still be mortified if someone were to pop over, but it’s clean enough for now.

I went to the store and bought food for tonight only. Was 8pm before we ate dinner. I hate that. Now I have to go back tomorrow for the rest of the groceries. Which means I need to make out menus and the grocery list sometime tonight. Thrill. I’ll do that when I pop open a Bacardi/Sangria. Those things are quite tasty. Can’t do that until he calls, however. I sure wish he’d call.

I’m going to have to get used to not having my two days a week to do things. I filled both up quickly and now I’m stuck wondering how to juggle life. I know millions of people do it, and it’s my fault we have 6 kids to manage — but I need an adjustment period to whine about it for a bit.

——–

Got a call from the school yesterday. It seems MB5 had been pushed, fell,  and busted his head open. I had to leave work, drive 20 minutes to get him, take him to the local clinic — who told me that he needed stitches, but that they don’t do them. So then I drove to Urgent Care another 20 minutes away, they tell me he doesn’t need stitches, but they want to check him out anyway — read: they want my $50 copay. At least I didn’t have to wait in the lobby. There wasn’t one empty seat. I was whisked away immediately to the back so they could tell if he even needed seen. Then they just let me stay. Cute Doctor came in shortly after and did a thorough head exam. Checked out. Then I drive back home, pull into the drive, and MB5 says — I want to go back to school. It’s been 2 1/2 hours, and he wants to go back. He only had 1 1/2 hours left — but I took him back anyway. Then I said screw it and went back to work. Scored another 2 1/2 hours. Every penny helps.

—————

Take 4 younger kids in soccer. 2 Older boys who are never home because they work all the time. 1 husband who is never here because he works 62,000 jobs. Add in a filthy house, an empty fridge, no clean clothes and no fucking time to do anything.

People are here long enough to make a mess, eat something, and leave.

I’m stuck here after work cleaning up the messes and carting kids to soccer.

I think I’m having a nervous breakdown. I’ve bought a different wine to sample every night this week. I think that spells a problem. Not that I care.

They asked me to go full time today. I said yes. Let’s hope that it brings more money and benefits. We could sure use it.

I’m nervous about going in every day. The house is a wreck just from 3 days a week – what will happen when it’s 5? Gah.

———-

Serious question – if I’m offered benefits, since it’s a small company, won’t they find out that I’m bipolar? The insurance company is going to squeal when they have to pay out for so many meds, won’t they? Maybe I won’t take the insurance if offered. But damn, MD’s just changed at work, and it sucks. Our monthly Rx bill went from $160 to $240. Ouch.

This just makes me incredibly sad. Incredibly.

Put some pictures in the gallery. Starting to take more pics lately. The Tour De Missouri is in there too. Passed right by the house yesterday. Pretty neat. Waited all day for the whole procession to pass in about 5 minutes. The bikers whooshed by in about a minute. Kids still liked it.

I really like this last.fm add-on for firefox. It’s kind of like the others I’ve used, but I rarely have to skip over songs.

We’ve used the same volleyball tshirts for 3 years now. Mainly because we still had so many of them, and partly because it was cheaper to make them ‘generic’ (without a year on them) and resuse them over and over.

Now we are going to start making new ones each year. Not many – like 10 of each size. That should be about $250. A worthy expense if we can sell them all.

Problem is, I had several graphics program to use before, and after this last wipeout, I lost them all. Even MORE of a pain in the ass, is that the printer shop requires a vector image to create the shirt from. Yeah, I don’t have anything to do that for damn sure.

Anyone have any ideas? Any free programs out there that create vector images? Anyone want to whip us up a logo? I know we couldn’t pay you, but you’d have my undying gratitude.

Still playing around with the idea of leaving the graphic the same and simply putting the year on the sleeve.

Any thoughts?

MD is off on a small milk run. MB1 and MB2 are at work. MB3 is at a friend’s house for the night. Younger three are watching a movie. I’m about to take a bath and get into my comfy jammies.

They switched our insurance. Now it’s $15 higher per Rx – and we have 7 of them every month – and that doesn’t include my headache meds. Oh, for joy.

I got a small raise at work. Had my 60 day review. A little late, but oh well. My 90 day will be next month, and I’ll get another small raise then. She also said that I can start raising my hours if I want. Coming in on my day’s off and helping out. I’m glad they like me. Still couldn’t ask for a better place to work.

MD applied at Frito Lay again. First time it was sort of word of mouth. This time the guy called and said to fill out the position online before they close it out. So he did. Hopefully something will come of this. We need the change in the worst way. Maybe their insurance is better. Can’t be much worse.

If things don’t improve at work soon, MD is going to have to find another job. We can’t survive on this shitty pay much longer. He took up Job #5 the other day – hauling grain. He hasn’t started yet, but soon. Whenever the crops are ready to be harvested. Soon, eh? He’s still working at the volleyball place, still stocking stores on the weekends, still running the milk route, and still hauling beer. Thank gawd for that CDL.

My job is going pretty good I think. They’ve moved on to letting me pay fuel bills, sort invoices, and ….. use the shredder. I know I know. I’m still verifying figures, but that’s why I was hired. I’ve developed a routine of sorts now. It’s still boring, but it’s not that hard. Can finish a store’s day in 15 minutes if there aren’t any problems.And at least the problems give me some excitement.

Kids are loving school. Or so they say. MB5 is still taking the big bus, so I guess they aren’t going to switch him. Thank gawd. I put them on the bus in the morning at 6:50, and then head to work. Working out perfectly. Older boys finish up by themselves and take off out of here at 7:30. Not sure when MB1 leaves for The College, but I hope he’s been getting there on time.

He still has two more books to buy, but can’t afford them yet. His student loans don’t ‘arrive’ for another 3 weeks since he took his sweet ass time applying for them, and I honestly can’t afford to buy them for him. Those bitches are expensive! The algebra book is almost $200 – at the used book store! The other one is ‘only’ $100. Only. He’s been staying between classes and borrowing a friend’s book for math, but I don’t know how much longer that friend will want to stick around while MB1 does his homework. I wish I could help him out. I wish he would have been more of a responsible person when I told him to be. I wish I wish.

MB5 has been getting Super’s on his behavior sheet. Considering this is the same teacher he had during summer school that docked him every day for something or another, this is an accomplishment. Maybe he’s following the rules now. Maybe she’s just chilled out more. Who knows. I just know that when we walked into her class on back to school night, he saw her and said – is she still mad at me? That broke my heart. I’m just glad something is working now. He didn’t like being in trouble every day.

I have errands to run and I don’t feel like moving. But I must.

Tournament went great. Was a fantastic 80 degrees. Couldn’t have asked for a better day for volleyball.

Had a few more teams than last year, but didn’t make as much on the raffles – so it evened out.

Grand total so far is $1322. Go us. We are thinking about having a kickball tournament soon so we can raise enough to make new shirts next year. I would like to get it done in time to raise our total for this year (had my heart set on $1500), but it looks like it’d be in October, and the walk is in September. So, we’ll set the money aside for next year and shirts.

——-

My sister’s birthday was this week. Happy Birthday MS! Her son’s birthday was yesterday – Happy Birthday ……. MoodyNephew1.

I feel like I’m behind on my updating. No shit, eh?

Now I have to take MB3 to the game/dance.Taxicab’s work is never done.

Couldn’t post for five days. Couldn’t figure out what was wrong. Got very pissed and almost screwed some shit up for real. Then son #2 tells me that my javascript isn’t enabled. Duh. Thanks. All better now.

Soooo…..where was I?

Happy 8th Birthday MG (yesterday)!

Yay MD for getting a car!

Booo my first car payment bill came in the mail today. Wait, I’m supposed to be thankful that I have a car, so I won’t boo the bill. Still bites the wienie to make the payment though.

I actually get my own desk at work soon. I’ve been sharing some other gal’s because she’s hardly ever there, but now I get my own. Yay me.

The tournament is tomorrow. Wish us luck. We have 19 teams so far with 4 more promised. That’s 6 teams more than last time. That’s $300 more than last time. Let’s see how much the raffles make though since we don’t have the big ticket items this go round. Concessions should bring in a couple hundred too. Again, wish us luck. Should be 80 degrees and fucking AMAZINGLY perfect tomorrow. Yeehaw. I’m excited.

Half nekkid men playing v ball all day as I watch. Hell yeah I’m excited.

It’s MG’s party today. 12 squealing little girls in a pottery shop. Yay. Should be fun for her though. For all of them. Hard to believe she’ll be 8 this week. She was but a wee lass when I started this blog. Time sure flies.

She won’t let anyone talk about Papa (my dad) around her. Says it makes her think about him, makes her sad, and it takes days for it to go away. I wonder if this calls for therapy? It’s not healthy. It’s the way I do it, but it’s still not healthy. I don’t want her learning coping skills from me,  ’cause I don’t have any.

Anyway, at least today will be a good day.  knockknockknock

I found out last night that MB2 has been drinking. Both him and MB1 actually. They got drunk together last weekend – it was MB1’s first time with alcohol. But MB2 has been drinking awhile now. Always at a particular friend’s house, and always staying there, not leaving. Never driving drunk or riding with someone who has been drinking. All of that is fine. Way to go. So why do I feel so dumbstruck?

Because I didn’t expect it from him. I thought he was my no nothing kid. The one to say no to all the evils that life threw at him. I guess that was all bullshit.

I’m not really mad that he’s doing it. I’m not a hypocrite like that. At least, I’m trying not to be. I was nothing short of an alcoholic in high school. I drank every single weekend. I was tore up more often than not. My parents knew and as long as I was safe about it, they didn’t say anything. I’m sure they didn’t like it, but it wasn’t like they could stop me. That’s how I feel now – not happy, but what can I do? Forbid him from seeing that kid? He’ll just lie and go over there anyway. Only this time maybe he’ll try to drive somewhere else afterward to avoid being caught there overnight. Would he drive drunk? How the hell do I know? I didn’t even think he was drinking.

I guess he tried to tell me awhile back, but I wasn’t too receptive. Shot him down quick talk of punishment and such. But that was my scare tactic to try and keep him away from alcohol. Now that’s he met it, and obviously keeps meeing with it, my tone is switching gears to common sense and safety and laws and criminal records and blah blah blah.

Tell you the truth, I’m more scared about MB1. He’s not a good drunk, from what we’ve heard. Too emotional. The kind of person who’s no fun to be around when you’ve been drinking. He’s the one that’s going to do something stupid. And he’s the one who’ll wear it on his permanent record since he’s 18. Or he’s the one that will get sick from alcohol poisoning.

And I though potty training was hard. This sucks.

Yesterday was the 2 year mark for dad’s death. Doesn’t seem possible.

—-

All my kiddos are gone for the evening except MB4. He’ll knock off early and then it’ll just be MD and I. Oh wait, he’s at a volleyball tourney (working), has a milk run to tackle right after, and then he has to stock stores tonight. And tomorrow he’s playing in a volleyball tourney that I can’t go to because I have to run around picking up all the children. Something’s wrong here.

Just took a nice long bath. I needed that. Now I want to play Sims3, but with 6 kids in the game, it’s almost a damn chore to play. Maybe I’ll create a new one and not be married. Maybe I won’t cheat this time for my money. Whatever.

I should play Myst. Gawd how I love that game. But I can’t play it without MD because we solve shit (and consequently cheat) together. Besides, I’d have to reinstall it and what a pita that is.

————-

Still haven’t figured out what we’re doing for MD’s car. We have about 3 more days to think about it before MB2 needs his car back. Yay.

By the way, my 5th year anniversary was yesterday. 5 years of no smoking. Anyone else?I remember those weeks of hell. That’s the reason I refuse to light up – I will never go through that shit again.

MD has battled on and off ever since the day I quit. He gave ‘em up two days ago. Let’s hope it’s for good this time. He coughs like nobody’s business.

Loved Pandora till it played I will always love you by Houston. Mom had that played at dad’s funeral. Not a dry eye.

Gawd I miss him. It’s almost been two years. Hard to believe.

I think I have the budget figured out, as long as he runs those milk runs faithfully. But the car situation is another thing. There just isn’t money available to buy him a little cheapo car. And with technically two other car loans, I don’t think anyone will finance a small used one. We have two weeks to figure it out before school starts.

There is possibly another job opening up for MD. Please send a positive thought or two that he makes it on. More money and better benefits.

Maybe someday soon I can get into it, but for now, all I can say is that our income just took a huge hit. It took MD’s car money and turned it into bill money. Right now we are juggling with the boys’ cars. Going day by day.

Once again, I’m wondering what the hell to do with this site. I don’t use it until I think I’m losing it. No one comes here anymore. Just not sure what to do.

I also lost my babysitter for the tourney. There is a small playground there, so I guess the little ones will be coming out with us. All day. In August heat.

Gee, I’m such a bearer of cheery news.

And by the way…. we’re up to $200 now. Thank you very very much.

I have a new baby and it only cost me an unborn child to get it.

Seriously it took trading in MD’s car so that we only showed two car payments, because they still count the other shitting mess as a car loan. Sweet, eh? Now he will get a little used jobbie and we’ll only have the one payment. Well, the two payments I guess. Payment and a half. Whatever.

I’ll post pics tomorrow. I’ve had a long long day, and I just want to take a hot bath and think about nothing. Absolutely nothing.

MD is off again tomorrow, but I’m not. Bummer. Today was spent at the dealership, and tomorrow I have a stack of shit for him to do. Most of it involves the new car, but hopefully he’ll be able to get to calling some of these places for me. Actually, he said he wants to go there in person, so we’ll see what Mr Man can get for us. I hope he gets a lot.

I love me some Pandora.

Trying to fix better meals. I got into the habit of making quick shit because MD was working 4-5 nights a week. Now he’s only gone 2 nights, and I need to feed us better food. Tonight is pork steaks and veggies and taters and bread. Mmmm.

I just posted about food. Gah.

I’m sitting here shaking my ass to Midnight Rider. Shaking my ass and bopping my head. Just begging someone to catch me.

I finally finished downloading all of dad’s CDs. Downloading…uploading…whatever. I have them all finally. Mom wants me and MS to go through them and take what we want, but I still feel funny about taking anything of dad’s. I’m not ready yet. Of course, by the time I am, there won’t be anything left.

Still haven’t made any decisions about a car. Still don’t really know our options. I refused to deal with it yesterday and wanted a nice family day instead. MD had to work today, so I wanted to take advantage of the 80 degreee weather with the kids while it lasted. Today, well, today is laundry day. Yay me.

A very popular coffee place has contacted us about a possible donation, but we have to give a presentation – - at this woman’s house! WTF? Is that even … legal? Don’t you usually meet in the manager’s office? Really, come on. Makes me nervous enough to give a presentation about this, but to meet at her house? I just think that’s weird. And I’m not giving a presentation. I’m handing her a letter. The letter I spent hours crafting that details everything. Crazy lady. Must drink too much of that coffee.

Work tomorrow. Starting not to dread it so much. Not sure why I do anyway. It’s not hard, it’s just boring. No, that’s Boring. Must give it the respect it deserves. The girls there are great. The boss is fantastic. The hours can’t be beat. The flexibility is insane. I just have to get used to the fact that I verify and post numbers now. That’s what I do. Hopefully more exciting stuff will come later. Oh, I forgot, I sort and send coupons too. Silly me.

MB1 is getting closer and closer to actually attending school. He registered for classes last week, and this week he talks to them about Stafford loans. He only needs about $800. Hopefully that will go away completely when he retakes the ACT and scores higher. Study and score higher like I told him to do the first time around.

—————–

I’ve been having a hard time with Dad lately. Maybe because the two year anniversary of his death is coming up. Maybe because we’re doing this tournament again and it reminds me that the last time I spent it waiting for dad to die. I don’t know, but it’s on my mind a lot.

No nervous breakdown. Acutally in a pretty good mood today. We are where we’re meant to be, right? Just need to find the positives and a way out of this mess.

Hey, I know. Why don’t you total the van instead and stick me with an upside down situation of $4k because the mileage is so high on the car?

I appreciate it. A lot.

Oh, and did you know that I’ve only been at my job for not even two weeks? Haven’t even received a paycheck yet. Think I can get a loan for another car? HAHA! And let’s forget about poor MD. We’ve leaned on his credit the past two years to try and get by.

I think I’m going to have a nervous breakdown.

Let’s see. …..

You add two young men and their two cars to your insurance policy, which causes it to jump up almost 150%. Nice. So, you try to be fair by telling these boys that you will pay for half of the increase. But it’s still an increase. An addition to your already tight budget. So, you make some changes to your policy. You raise your deductibles and you drop those silly little things like towing and rental cars and such.

Then you hit a deer. A really big deer. A deer so big that it fit squarely across the front of my van and took a direct hit.

My van is trashed. Not sure how much we’re talking. The insurance guy is coming out tomorrow to take a look.

But I do know one thing. I somehow need to come up with $1000 – my share of the bill. How sweet it is.

The car isn’t even driveable. Which means that rental car shit would have been great. But MB2 is going out of town for two weeks, and has lent us the use of his car. Sweet kid.

Anyhow, I think we’re going to take a hit on our 401k to cover the costs. Not the best idea, but it sure beats knocking off the local gas station.

Fucking deer.

I’m about to take up hunting so I can do my part to thin the herd.

———————-

Added to say that no one was hurt other than MD’s arms getting a serious case of airbag burn as they shot out and I had a sore booby where the seat belt crushed the shit outta me. But other than that, we are all ok. Thank gawd.

For some reason, I just can’t seem to shake the blahs. It’s been like this since I tried to wean off the lithium. I’m back on full strength now, but the yuckies won’t go away. Hope I didn’t screw something up. Not many more pills I can take to fight the depression. I take 10 a day as it is. 10 fucking pills. egads. Now granted, they aren’t 10 different pills, but still…. that’s a lot of medicine. I think anyway.

Job is going ok I think. I hope I’m not screwing up. Guess I’ll find out soon enough if I am. It’s nice having every other day off. Except the money that’s missing from those days sucks. Stressing about cash since school starts next month and I have all 6 to get ready this year. Ahh to go back to the good ole days when I didn’t worry about bills.

Anyhoooo……

Tournament is coming right along. We have a handful of items for a raffle so far. Still not easy to make the calls, but I’ve done 11 this week. MD has called a few places for me while in between stops. He’s also going to make the rounds with his contacts from volleyball. I just hope we round up enough items to make it worthwhile.

By the way, we’re up to $75 now. Mom let me use her computer to make copies and her fax to send out donation requests, so that didn’t cost us anything but paper. Trying to keep costs down this time. I’d still like to beat the $1100 mark from last time.

Start the new job tomorrow. Very nervous. I hope I catch on quickly, and my memory troubles don’t start acting up. Hate to come off as a dumbass on my first day.

My sister is here with her kids. Both her kids and mine have been having a blast. Yesterday was fun, except MD had to leave early to get some shut eye for the milk run today. Sucks, but $250 for one day is too much to turn down.

Tournament is coming along. I actually called 7 places in a row the other day. Can’t seem to pick up the phone since, but at least I did a little.

Doc gave me Maxalt for migraines. ANyone else take it? Does it cause a nasty rebound headache the next day? I can’t stop the headache train. Hopefully it won’t show up again tomorrow on my way to work.

Way to work. Heh.

Thanks Laura. I’ll still try again today. My goal is 3 places to call. Going to try not to think about it before hand. Just pick up the phone and do it. Gulp.

I added some pictures to the gallery. A shitty one of me. Mostly pics of my lillies. Because I love me some lillies. LOVE me some lillies. Wish I could have a whole yard full of them. If anyone knows what the last two are called, I’d love to hear it. The little reddish one and the peachy one. Are they some sort of day lillies? Muchos gracias.

I didn’t get any places called today. Why? Because I simply can’t pick up the phone to do it. Why am I like this? I have a list of all the places that donated the last time, so there’s a good chance they’ll say yes, yet I still can’t make that call.  My cousin is left to make them, and that’s not fair.

I walked around with the phone in my hand for over an hour. I was sweating and my heart was beating out of my chest and I felt like I was going to throw up. I actually made 4 calls Friday, but it just doesn’t get easier. Not in any way.

I wish I could pay my older kiddos to do it. But people might not believe them since they would sound like kids. Would they? Gawd, I suck. Pimping out my kids because they can chit chat with anyone at anytime.

I need to find a way to do this or the tournament is going to suck. We raised a lot of money through raffles the last time.

I’m such a loser at this shit. I am totally the wrong man for this donation gig.

I start Monday, which is good since my sister will be in town this week.

Now I’m nervous I won’t do well. There’s always something to stress about.

Now back to calling for donations for the raffles. Yuck.

IGOTTHEFUCKINGJOB!

Sorry, I’ve wanted to say that all day. Ok, I have been saying it all day. My kids want me to say it somewhere else.

I make diddly squat for pay, I work less than 30 hours a week, I work in a run down office downtown – and I couldn’t be happier.

[Insert happy dance complete with ass shake]

There you go Nancy – donation info is up. Hopefully I’ll get some movies to raffle off.

Said he was blown away. And that he was off to convince the office gals to hire me.

Yeah, we’ll see what happens.

I think it went well. Then again, what do I know?

————————–

The pay is subpar and it’s only part time, which means I won’t be bringing in that much money. BUT, some money is better than nothing. It could grow into full time. I can wear jeans or shorts. I can wear flip flops. I can make hours that suit me. I can leave early if need be. I can make those hours up if I need to. Simply put, the atmosphere is very casual. And he said with my GM experience, he might use me for other things if the fit is right later.

If nothing else, I can use this job to look for something else. Right?

I have to get the job first.

Wow, you’d think I would have known better than to go hunting around in August of ‘07 for some information about the tournament. To be blind-sided by dad’s death about knocked the wind outta me. I hadn’t forgotten, but I damn sure wasn’t thinking. And of course I had to read, so of course I have to reapply my makeup now. And thanks again. Lots of support during that time.

That letter I sent out to my classmates, a friend of mine sent out one immediately after telling everyone that they should donate at least $25 each in memory of our classmate. OMG. I never would have the balls to do something like that. I’m jealous. I also love her, and I hope her message works. I would love to raise even more money this year. I need to look and see what the last total was, but I know it was over $1100. We don’t have much in expenses this time around, but we don’t have the high dollar raffle items either. Last time we had a Dewalt drill set, and a set of new golf clubs/bag. We made a buttload on raffles. I don’t see that happening this time. But, we’ll have food and registration money. And whatever we raise will be more than the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society had yesterday.

Trying to call these businesses for donations has never been a favorite thing of mine to do. I just can’t pick up the phone like most people. For anything. ESPECIALLY to ask for shit. So far I’ve got nothing. Have called 5 places, and have nothing to show for it. Yay me.I think I’ve had all I can take for one day.

I sent a letter to my classmates giving them some info on the walk and tournament – which was a big deal for me. Took me this entire week to hit send. Those pills they give me for anxiety – they rock. Not.

Doc gave me Maxalt to try for my migraines. Tried it on a small one, and it did the trick. We’ll see how it works on a big one. When I get one. No rush. I also have my midrin to use on the cluster migraines. But right now, I’m in a lull and I’m enjoying it.

MD has gotten really close to a guy from volleyball. I’ve been trying to get close to the wife so we can do more shit together. She’s cool, but they’re 10 years younger than us, and they are just starting the baby thing. Although it is cool getting my baby fix and then handing him back when he cries.

ANyway, I told this gal I was bipolar the other day, and guess what? She was diagnosed moderate bipolar when she was young. Not sure what moderate means, but at least she’s not going to run for the hills because of my dx.

And I’ve made a new friend. Turns out a moderately crazy one, but a friend nonetheless.

Rest in peace.

Tomorrow at 1:30.

Gah

They didn’t call back for that interview with the owner. What am I doing wrong? I have really good feelings about how these interviews go, and then nothing comes of it.

Pity party time.