I added Pills to my calendar. I can just snooze until I’m ready to take them. It’ll keep reminding me, and I’ll be able to remember to take them. Working good so far.

Had my appt with B. She is inching closer and closer to me just not having any thing to do with P … or mom for that matter. Said just to cut back some more from mom. Stop taking her to appts – even if that means going alone. Said to lie and say that MD is going if nothing else. I think I can do that. In fact, that makes me very relieved. She just asks the dumbest questions and the fact she asked them right in front of Ian made me wanna punch her. Forgetful bitch.

Damn, angry again. THese appts always bring shit to the top. Now I have to simmer back down a bit. ………

MD is at volleyball. I didn’t want to go. Still too fat to be in a pair of shorts and it was hot. I run tomorrow. Been doing it every other day. To start. Once I can make the mile with out dying, I want to go to every day during the week. I hope it’s enough.

I went and bought The 10th Kingdom for $4.99. Amazing movie. It’s long, but it’s worth it. The kids will love it. Hopefully MS and her brood can come over and give a watch too. Fun for the whole family.

My hair looks like shit today. Just thought you should know.

MD cleaned a ceiling fan last night. I felt like a failure as a house wife. I just don’t have it in me anymore to give a shit. I would if I had to, but no one is making me here.

He’s right. He didn’t say a word, but he’s right anyway. I’ll clean today.

My friend F is getting her 2nd grandbaby today. Both of her boys now have a daughter. She’s raise those boys on her own working 2 jobs for 22 years and I’m so happy for her and the boys starting their families. Not that I want that shit right now, but hey, I’m happy for HER.

Went to MS’ house yesterday and did laundry. I tried fitting her dryer into my laundry bag before I left, but it wouldn’t fit. Looks like it’s time to hit craigslist.

Ok Ok. I’m outta here. Going to clean ….. something.

I know. I should not listen to those slow songs. They always depress me. But they are necessary sometimes.

Appt with B today. Wonder what we’re going to talk about. She usually steers shit, I just sit back and chatter.

I have nothing to say. I’m out.

Sitting here bored. MD went to bed an hour ago and here I sit. Sigh. Big one.

I applied for the honors program after getting a letter in the mail today saying that they will extend the deadline if I want to apply. Hopefully that means I can still get in. I didn’t want to at first, but that would help me stand out if I was in honors , right?

But my gawd, I didn’t even know what colloquia was. How am I going to survive honors?

I am actually on top of it today. House picked up (will clean tomorrow), errands mapped out and waiting to be ran, lunch done, bana’s friend about to leave and I will be on my way.

I actually figured up a budget again. Too bad I don’t have a magic wand to cover the truck and lawyer and fireworks …… someday.

MD got up with me again this morning and ran with me. I did better and stopped one less time than I did before. I can’t wait until it gets easier. I bet MD can’t either. He’s going so slow compared to what his conditioning level is. I heart him for going at my pace.

I can’t seem to get motivated to clean. It’s because spring kinda herked and jerked and was so damn random that it was never possible to open the windows and spend the week tearing the house apart. There was a day here and there, but that was it. Now it’s summer. A mild one, but still – summer. i needed that week to get all the nooks and crannies cleaned out. I don’t have the energy right now.

This camp thing wears me out emotionally. I’d say I can’t hack this shit, but I’ve said it before and I’m sure you’re tired of it. I am. But I c an’t. Hack this shit.

Dryer shit out. Dryers hate me. This one was my sister’s. I killed your appliance. Off to the laundry mat I go.

Anyone want to join me? I’ll get some quarters for the game room and beat your ass in pinball.

My orientation is set for June 25th. Now I’m getting nervous.

They recommended honors. ? I’m not sure about that.

They are still looking into my military shit. I should test out of at least PE as a result of the Army time.

I can’t believe I’m doing this.

———-

Enough of that shit. I’ll talk myself out of it if I think about it too long.

——–

I can tell it’s summer time. I’m so fucking lazy when it comes to cooking. Kids are having various — fried eggs, spaghettios, hot dogs, and bacon. I just don’t feel like it. Hey – my night pills !! I haven’t taken them in a week. Just can’t remember. Give me a solid way to remember and I’ll kiss your ass. Ok, not really, but I will forever be in your debt.

—–

Ian was fitted for his power chair today. Very surreal. Can’t believe life is pushing forward when I’m dragging my feet this hard.

——–

He got bright blue. Just like his manual chair. Just like Optimus Prime. We’re to buy a license plate and figure out a way to jazz it up like a transformer. I kept asking if his arm and leg and hand strength warranted the power chair, and she kept saying – yes. I just hate this shit. I just really hate this shit.

———-

How do I keep the kitties off the table?

——

Those babies have made a giant impact on this family. Everyone loves them and everyone fights to have their attention. Such cuties.

—————-

I tried putting a few streaks of blond into Bana’s hair, but it didn’t work. You can see it in the light, but that’s it. Going to have to try again. Her new hair is cute. I know she wasn’t thrilled in the beginning, but hopefully it’s growing on her.

——–

I’m just rambling. I’ll stop now.

I forgot to get up and run. I am the dumbest person in the world. I set my clothes BY THE BED so I would remember that I was running, and I stepped over them to set the alarm off at 6. And I remember thanking God I had another hour to sleep. I had no intention of remembering that shit. I need to retrain my brain.

I could run now, but then I would have to do it alone, and that ain’t happening. I barely have the nerve with MD – and I know I wouldn’t have it without him.

I am running in 6 hours. Not sure why I’m here then, but let’s go with it.

Car is up and running for now. MD replaced the somethingoranothers on the back, which turned out not to be that bad….whatever. Not making the same noise, so maybe that was it? Not sure about the kicking part. Do I take it tomorrow, or do I have mom call in sick? Decisions Decisions.

I would really be pissed if this ate into my budget and it wasn’t even the somethingoranothers that were the problem. I’d whack that man with something.. or another.

He is snoring like no one’s bizness. I’d record it but that would involve moving.

Hey – I haven’t gorged in … 3 days. I know – it’s lame. But you have to start somewhere.  I have been eating normal meals, but small. Not been avoiding bread, but not been hogging on it either. Same with chips, fries, etc – I allow myself 3/3bites. So far that trick has been working. Except with the fucking smarties. Gawd how I love them. I’ll have you know I have a 1 lb bag of them sumbitches in my purse right now. Cause I’m ghetto like that.

That ain’t no lie either.  I’d take a picture, but again, that would require me getting up , and that ain’t gonna happen.

Holy Jeezus can he snore.

I just had three bites of whip cream. Yummy.

Otherwise, my brain starts screaming about never getting snacks again and dying of a broken heart and all kinds of sad shit. So, for now, I have the 3 bite Diet Part 2 – snacks are fine as long as you only eat three bites. We’ll wean from there. Cause it’s just like the smoking was – my brain started screaming when I said no more smokes ever. So I started saying no more smokes just for today and we’ll worry about tomorrow later – I was able to quit. I’m going to try that approach here and see what happens. And run. I’m going to run. I hate it. But I’m going to run.

Well, I came online to post about what a wonderful father MD is and how blessed I am to have him as the coparent in life with me, and then I was going to wax poetic about how fantastic my dad was and how he’s terribly missed, but I was sidetracked by the fucking car. ABS light came on a few days ago. It went off today. Great! Yeah, not so great. Maybe that meant whatever was breaking, broke. It makes a funny sound when I turn and when I pulled into the driveway, the brakes kicked my foot off like they do when I hit a patch of ice. I am so fucking sick of being poor. How much is this going to cost me? I have zero extra money this month with MB2′s and MB3′s birthdays coming up. Plus I need extra fuel for Ian’s 3 KC appts coming up. DamnDamnDamn. How much??? And what am I risking by driving it still? Shit, he has an appt tomorrow. I wonder wtf I’m going to do.

Picked up Ian yesterday. I hate picking him up. I really do. I cry the whole damn time. The spirit in the room is enough to drive you to tears.  They have a speech about how special it is working with these kids. They have a video usually about the song/dance of the year and all the kids render their own version. They have a slideshow of the week. Nothing but smiles. Smiles on faces that have plenty to rightfully frown about. Then they have graduation. There were no Duchenne boys this year. They lost a little guy sometime recently. Still have his gift bag made up. It just sat on the table. A harsh reminder of reality. A reality in which kids die. A reality that smacks you in the face repeatedly when you go to camp and get your kid.

There are three groups of Duchenne boys at camp. The newbies. The fresh crop. The ones that are 6/7/8 and walk perfectly fine and stand up straight and there isn’t a wheelchair in sight. But there’s always the swollen calf to give away the secret.

Next group of boys are the middle guys. I’d say middle aged, and I’d be correct, but my brain won’t let me type it. These boys are 9/10/11 and they aren’t walking very well. In fact, Ian was the only one still walking part time. That’s why he was in his own room. Everyone else had a male counselor and there wasn’t enough to give him one because he could still technically use a female for one more year. The rest of the Duchenne kids in his grouping are in power chairs already. Now, Ian is 9, whereas the others are 10/11. These boys still seem fine. They have use of their hands and arms still, and can do just about everything they used to do. Still smiles. All smiles.

Last group are the old timers.  The ones 12 and up. The ones with the machines and the useless hands and the service dogs and the nurses and the carts full of equipment needed to transport and manage …. but still the smiles. It’s these kids I can’t stop looking at. Keep wondering how long before we’re there. How long until my son is completely immobile. How long until I crack.

But no cracking today. Today I will thank God that my son still walks and I will hope that they get moving on this exon skipping drug while there is still time.

I hope I hope I hope.

It’s been almost a year since we moved out of mom’s. Praise God.

The kids refer to that time with sadness and ….. just a real heaviness of badness. Does that make sense? Cause that’s what it feels like. I hope to never have to do that again. My sister better be on alert – she has a huge house now. With a huge basement.

Let’s just hope I hurry up with this nursing school gig so we can move on to brighter and better and more stable things.

Going to take J with me to the cemetery. She knows I hate to go alone.

This one car shit is for the birds. Can’t wait to find an engine for that truck.

I have mountains of paperwork to go through. I don’t wanna.

I did pay bills though. That’s a plus.

Tickets are on sale for Kansas and Lynyrd Skynyrd. $10.10 I’m going. Now to see if my sister and her husband want to go.

I’m nervous without the SSI.  I know his checks have been bigger, but we’ve also had other expenses pop up to take that extra money. Which isn’t really extra now since we’re not getting ssi – which is my rent money. What a pita.

My ears do not hurt today. Well, the right one is still tender, but i re pierced it with the earring by ramming it in there. I’m sure it’s not going to like me for a while.

It’s the 14th of June. The day Shawn died 13 years ago. I’ll head out here in a bit to run out some flowers. I still miss him.

Today is also H’s birthday. I’ll send her something through facebook, although I don’t think she did on mine. S’ok. From her I don’t expect anything.

Have I kept you in the loop with P? She sent a card for my birthday. A month late. Nice. THen she called and left a message stating she was in town and wanted to stop by for a bit to see the kids. I ignored the call and she never came over. Exactly how I want it. I’m tired of being the only one to give a shit. So, this gal ain’t playing that game no mo’. I’ll talk to her when I can do so without tearing her a new one. Until then, I’ll ignore her. Kids don’t care. They haven’t seen her in over a year. Incredible.

Anyway –  MD was supposed to be home today, but they called him in to work. Lovely. Tomorrow we get Ian from camp, and he has to work then too. I think they are going to let him go with us first, then work. Thank Gawd.  I hate going there alone. Or with mom.

Going to see if I can sneak out before the graduation ceremony this time. That was awful to watch. Those boys that have ‘regular’ forms of MD are up there standing and crying because they can’t come back to camp, and there is usually only one Duchenne boy up there crying as well – only he’s the only one in a chair. And he started camp with at least 5 other boys with Duchenne. I’m just guessing, but Ian has the two sets of brothers, the poster kiddo, the one with the service dog, and the little guy who refuses to go into a wheelchair and he really really really needs one. That’s what? 6 ? Plus Ian ? That’s 7 boys roughly the same age all going to camp together. And one graduates? It’s very sad all around. Just breaks  your heart. And the non-Duchenne parents can’t possibly fathom what it’s truly like for the Duchenne parents to know that their kids probably WON”T graduate. Fucking sucks. Just fucking sucks.

So I’m out. I’ve managed to depress myself today and I don’t want a shit day.

Went for a run this morning with MD. One mile. I walked half the way. I would run, have my lungs seize up for air, and have to stop for a sec. Other than that, I did wonderfully. I was a sweaty mess by the time we got back. MD didn’t even break a sweat. I’m going to have to step up my game if I am to hang with him. I will lose weight like this, right? Please tell me I’ll lose weight like this. I will eventually work my way up to running more. Maybe then I can reintroduce the turbofire.

Just figured bills. Ouch. I should NOT have bought those two bras. But damn, I needed bras. I still didn’t buy the right ones. They had 32dd for $50, and 32D for 2/$42. Guess which ones I bought? Guess which ones are giving me major cleavage right now. Guess which ones has to be monitored so my boobs don’t just pop out the top. I’m so cheap. Can’t even be excited about pretty bras when they don’t fit. I’m gonna make it work though. Lose weight and the bras will fit.

We pick up Ian in two days. Seems awful quiet without him. Bana said it’s too quiet and she said – thank God camp is only once a year because we sure would miss him if he were forever gone. She didn’t register what she said, since she’s 11, but I did. What will we do when he’s forever gone? OOps, that’s a question for a later time. Not answering those now.

I GOT MY EARRINGS IN AND THEY DIDN”T HURT! Can you see them? I am so happy. I haven’t worn them in YEARS because my ears kept getting infected. I tried every type of post but they still get swollen and shit. Till now. Till some fabulous person told me a little secret. I take my anti-biotic cream and dip the earring in it. Then I dip the back in it. THen I put the earring in. Voila – No infection. It’s brilliant. It’s so simple. And it is working. I will put it to the test tonight, but i think it’s ok. My right ear is still kind of red because i had to repierce it, but it’ll survive.

Was cruisin toward being a killer fight last night when he said he was going to bed. He laid down and when I kept talking, he grabbed his pillow and said he was going to sleep on the couch. I was flabberfuckinggasted. How do you just stop a fight? Makes no sense – you fight until the fight has run it’s course. Not really a fight, but you know – a heated discussion. I was so sad in my bed all alone.

I told him that this morning, and he looked sad and then went to work. He came home at lunch and we talked a bit. It would be so much easier if I didn’t love him so damn much. It’s not like we fight alot, but we go in spurts. Money trouble or Ian issues or whatever  sets it off and it takes a while to work it’s way out. Then we go back to no fight in five years. Crazy.

I’m really having a hard time with this bipolar nurse thing. Would it bother you? To know that your nurse was bipolar? It’s not like I’d wear a fucking sign or something, but still – would it bother you? Yes, it would. If I knew that my nurse was schizophrenic, I’d be uncomfortable.  Maybe not OCD or shit like that, but the ‘major’ issues – yes, I would feel uncomfy – and I KNOW what this shit is about. ANyway..

I’m fixing a lovely dinner tonight. Having MB2′s girlie over for dindin. Have I mentioned how much I like her? I like the other gals too, but I feel badly for this little gal since her mama is loco. Being loco myself, it makes me hurt knowing her mother isn’t acting logically because of the disorder. And she’s wasting her daughter’s valuable younger years damaged by the decision to not medicate. Crazy.

I gotta go. Dinner is almost ready and I must make myself presentable.

Do you have that mad money for the end of the two week wait until the next check arrives? We do, it’s money especially set aside for shit that pops up right before payday. We try very hard to set a hundred or so aside.

I’m bipolar. I like to spend money. I like to shop. If you think you like hunting for shoes, try having a shoe fetish that’s ramped up on amphetamines. I HAVE to buy something. Doesn’t matter what it is thank God. I can usually satisfy it with a trip to the Dollar Store or walmart if i have to. Usually some stupid office supply product or hair product or makeup. I try to spend under $5. So, as bipolars go, I ain’t so bad. That one news chick bought a fucking house and fully furnished it before her family found out. She had a weeeeeeee bit more money to spend than I do. I don’t spend the entire paycheck when the urge hits me. I could. I have access. But I don’t. I’m glad I have some sort of control over this.

But anyway, we have some mad money this week and I am wanting to spend it. I have to be berryberry careful when I go to the store for milk.

——-

That was hours ago. I DID go to the store. I DID buy too much shit – but it was all groceries that we needed. BUT i did go to victoria’s secret – new to the mall. Beautiful stuff, but high. I needed bra, so I went to gordman’s instead. I know the bra won’t last very long, but it was only $5. So it’s not meant to last forever. I do plan on buying some from VS though. 2 for 50 – that’s not bad for pretty bras that fit. Dillards has ugly bras that fit for $40.

The bra i bought doesn’t really even fit. I wear a 32dd, and this bra is a 34c. Not the same. CLose enough until I get $50.

Maybe I’m nervous about running. Maybe I don’t want to freeze my ass off. Maybe I’d rather sit here and eat my spree. And my smarties. Notice how I  said ‘my’. I don’t share my smarties or sprees. I just don’t. I’m kind of a bitch that way.

Yeah, I’m still here waiting. Soon, though. Soon.

These damn kittens want outside. No way jose.

Damn neighbor kids keep hitting the garage door with their basketball. I don’t care, but it makes me jump and cry out each time. Like a little bitch. I don’t like that.

Somehow someway, I am still the same weight I was two weeks ago. My gawd, talk about a bender. I ate anything that wasn’t tied down. Or so I thought. I gained nothing. I also didn’t look at the scale for 10 days. So I probably would have had a heart attack.

Kids caught me watching medium and demanded to watch their own VOD shows. I turned mine off and said I was just checking to see if it was new. I hate being caught like that. ANd now I didn’t watch my show. Dammit.

Damn baby kittie is crying. Better go see what the fuck she’s whining about now.

MD went to that vball game. It was actually MB3′s game, but MD needed to sub in tonight. I don’t mind. The two of them get out and have some fun. Bond. That kind of manly shit.

I’ll just sit here and wait.

lol

No tv, but long island medium is calling to me. Can I be strong? Nope.

Might be back before MD returns. You’ve been warned.

Got hot today. Wasn’t aware of this. Have changed clothes twice now. MD has a game tonight and I know he’ll want me to go and I’m having a fat day and I’m just not comfy being seen like this.

MD and I so far on the running in the morning – nada squat. Haven’t gotten up in time. Tomorrow. Always tomorrow.

Sweating like a whore in church.

Still loving this keyboard. Bright yellow one at walmart. $5.

Should have all the school shit sent in. I hope. Now let’s hope I have the balls to go.

Need to find some summer activities for these kids. Water balloons, sprinkler, water guns, books, what else?

J is in the hospital. Blood sugar went wonky. She suddenly got off the phone earlier, so I hope nothing is wrong.

Trying to stay busy so I don’t think about school or Ian or the nasty blues that have gripped my ass again. Am I just destined to be depressed forever? Really gets old.

Think I’m going to go play a game. Sounds good.

Having some fun family time. It’s so nice outside. MD had to work today, but i took little man to camp this afternoon. For some reason, he has a new counselor – his left (?). And he’s not in a cabin – he’s in the main cabin in a room with 2 counselors. Does this seem odd to anyone else? I wanted to ask if he was a handful or something, but that seemed silly. Maybe I’ll ask when I pick him up.

Anyway, the boy is gone and I miss him terrible. Please no storms while my baby is a million miles away.

Waiting for MD.  But you knew that, didn’t you?

My sister has given MB3 a truck. It just needs a motor. Pray one falls from the sky. Either that or pray we find someone to install it for cheap. Cute truck.

I have so much to do tomorrow. I would rather stay at home in my pjs and do housework. But I have some errands to run for mwsu – and those are important. For me and MB3. Changes every day. One day I’m terribly excited, and the next I’m deathly afraid, and then horribly lazy thinking in horror to the amount of work I will have to do in order to get into the nursing program. Gah. But then thrilled at the idea of actually using my brain again. And then scared it’s not all there. Then the fuck it’s kick in – i’m sure people pass school with c’s – surely to fuck I can manage to squeak out some c’s. I used to be an A student, so wouldn’t ya think I could at least pull the c’s? At the very least? Gawh.

Anyway – I miss my husband. You would be amazed how much nicer it is not thinking about him cheating all the time. Cause i never let it rest about him having a girlfriend. He laughs and then he stops laughing and tells me that it gets old. So I stopped. I stopped joking about it. I simply looked at him and asked him if he was cheating on me – he said no. So I said ok and I haven’t said a word since. I am choosing to believe him. I don’t have any reason NOT to believe him. And you would not believe how much nicer it is to be nice. he’s nice. I’m nice. Nice Nice Nice. I’m so nice I am actually taking my pills.  I know.

Anyway – I think I hear the truck. Yay!

Remember – be nice.

Not sure what day it is. Well, I know my mammogram is tomorrow, so I guess it’s Thursday. I haven’t missed that many days of pills, so I guess I’m just feeling like shit because that’s the way I’m supposed to be feeling. Splendid.

MD is off tomorrow and Saturday – he better be = we have to start getting ready for our tournament. Somehow I have to find $400 laying around to order the tshirts. That should be fun.

I am excited about school. got my nursing packet in the mail yesterday. I missed the window to apply for this first year, but they don’t usually let first or second year students in anyway. I just have to follow the core classes and keep those grades up and hope they don’t think I’m too old when the time comes.  Gulp.

Everyone is still sleeping. Ahhhhhhhhh

Have to run some errands today.  I need to go bra shopping and I’m too cheap to part with the bucks involved in  buying one. $40 for one bra. I only pay $5 for panties. And those are nice panties. Assholes.

I could go to G0rdmans – but their shit falls apart after the first wash. The ones from Dillards lasted  almost 4 years.

Anyway, it’s time for new ones. These are about to meet their maker.

Went to my old high school and arranged for my transcripts to be sent to the college. Then I had to resend my act scores from 2007 so they wouldn’t use my high school scores. Makes a difference of $2500. Damn skippy I’m having them sent. I mailed in the application fee. I sent my DD214 so I could skip the PE classes and perhaps a few more.

This is really happening.

My gawd, what am I getting myself into.

Will I have time for homework? I saw the nursing program’s suggested courses. Egads. At least 5 classes and none of them are underwater basketweaving.

Am I a fool for even thinking I can do this?

Draggin ass again today. Just took my pills so I hope my mood improves.

Need some activities to do with the kids. Cheap ones since we’ll be doing it every day. We’ve been to the park umpteen times already and it’s getting old fast.

I want to find out how much passes to the aquatic park are, but no one there seems to have a fucking clue as to the prices. Morons.

It’s kind of nice here – in no-drama-ville.  I know I know – I shouldn’t have said that. But dammit, can’t I express how nice life is once in awhile without having to worry about Murphy swooping in and making a liar of me?

Ian was at the park and he tried to climb the rock wall. Then he tried to climb the steps to the slide. Then he tried the chin up bar. Then he tried the rope ladder. Then he tried the monkey bars. He wasn’t able to do any of them. WHen I would try to help, he’d tell me he wanted to do it on his own. So I had to sit there and watch him get more and more dejected. So we aren’t going back to that park. Then we went to the castle to play, but it was the same way.

So now I sit and wonder wtf we can do in this town during summer break that Ian will be able to do. Swimming? He loves it, but the punch cards are costly for all of us. I don’t know what to do. We can’t go hiking. We can’t go walking around the museum. We can’t go to the mall. Well, we could if he would ride in his wheelchair, but he won’t. I just don’t know.

Anyway  - time to wakey wakey the troops and try to brainstorm ideas.

Any fresh ideas from ya’ll would be appreciated.

He’s on his way home!

I am bathed and coiffed and presentable. Not like it matters.

Got the two youngest hair cuts today. Bana got a pixie cut, and it’s pretty cute. Makes her look terrible older though.

Time to practice my typing. I suck balls and I’m tired of it.

Three days of taking my pills and voila – human again. Maybe I’m mentally challenged since I repeatedly forget what happens when I stop taking the meds and how wonderful I feel when I take them.

Still no MD.

Ian leaves for camp on the 9th. It’s weird not having him around that week. Still not fully understanding how others plan their vacations around camp, but I know I have no right to judge those that are farther down the duchenne road than we are. If they are to have any type of real vacation, it must take place while the kiddo is off having fun of his own. Still makes me sad.

Kids want to play Life. I’d rather kiss a dog’s ass.

But I will.

I was a busy little bee today and now I’m tired. Cleaned out two closets….oh who gives a shit. I did some stuff that usually gets pushed aside, let’s just say that.

Waiting for MD to come home and rescue me from making dinner. Can’t even go get anything because MB3 took the car. Not sure if I’ve mentioned it, but the van was starting to go loco on us – windshield cracked all the way across the dash, air conditioning died, side door suddenly stopped opening, seat wouldn’t adjust anymore and I was about to break out the pillows in order to drive the sumbitch. And the gas, omg the gas. Over $130 a week. We can’t afford that.

So MD talked to the guy who gave it to us, and asked if they wanted it back because we simply couldn’t afford to fix everything. He said – sell it and get another car. ! MD said – are you sure? J said – yeah, totally. Said the church gave it to us to help us out, and if getting a smaller, less broken car would help us, then he’s all for it. So we sold it. How in the fuck we sold it with those problems I don’t know. But, we did. I’m pretty sure they were Omish or Quakers. 8  kids and lived in a town famous for folks like that. Nice people. He said he could fix it all himself and the windshield was only going to be $250. They were excited to be able to have all their kids in one car again. They used to have a clubwagon and he said he loves them and can repair them.

What are the odds of this happening?

Let go, let God, eh? Something’s working.

Called the nursing division and found out that most apply for the program their sophomore year. Around 150 apply, and they take 50. Geezus. Am I smart enough to do this? I’ve always been a smart person. What if I’m not now? Gah.

So ancy.

Kept getting spam on my phone all night long, so I looked this morning, and the kids had downloaded a friggin million games this weekend. I told them they could get a couple, but damn. And one of them proudly displayed the logo that’s been spamming me all night. Assholes. BuhBye.

I have a few errands to run and then it’s boredom again. I can’t take them somewhere every day. I can’t get them burger king every day. Not sure what they expected summer to be, but damn – use some imagination. Occupy yourself. Play tag or hide and seek or red light green light. Or play school. Or house. I don’t care if they’re too big. The no tv rule started yesterday. It was flipped on twice – by older boyus that thought it didn’t apply to them. They found out otherwise. Especially MB2 – who got pissy because he couldn’t watch game of thrones. Wah. Go somewhere else. These tvs are off. Not fair for one and not the rest. I imagine they’ll be bored a for a while until they find something to do together.

So I guess I need some ideas on summer shit. Wish we had a beach. Wish we had something in this town. Bah.

MG is the only one up. The boys are sleepers.

Guess who gets to help me clean? THe only one who will.  Poor girl.

And with that – it’s time for the bathroom.

Yeah , its’ late. Clonopin is really working eh?

I am sleepy though. Let’s see how long I can go before my head hits the keyboard.

Park day. It was gorgeous outside so we went and played for awhile .

Damn, I am a helluva lot more sleepy than I realized.

NightyNighty.

Dinner is done and cleaned up. Baths are done. Makeup is reapplied – I always redo it at night. Musn’t let the night fairies who don’t do my laundry think I’m the troll queen or something.

Doesn’t seem like it, but I was very productive today. Now I just need to keep the steam this week. And the week after. I figure I had better find a system that works before I go back to school and everything gets fucked up.

MD is applying for a sales job with the company he’s with now. Not going to say shit because it never works out, but hey, crazier shit has happened. It’d be nice, that’s all I’m saying. UNLESS the pay sucks balls, and then it ain’t worth it to lose the truck, gas, insurance, etc.

This keyboard rocks. Takes a little getting used to , but so far, it rocks hard.

I’m slowly getting my shit ready for the admissions office. Starting to feel real. I’m actually going to college. Probably. lol – now if something happens and I have to get a job, I’ll cry big tears. I just want us financially stable. This could make that happen. And it would give me a chance at taking care of my son when he needs a nurse later on. I can be that nurse. 4 years to graduate. He’ll be 13. Let’s hope he holds off on needing one for awhile. Hell, forever since we’re hoping.

Seating clinic is in a week. Fitting him for the power chair. Big step. Yucky tummy thinking about it.

Bills are paid. House is picked up. I’m ready for the week. Bring it on bitches.

Had a very long, wonderful weekend. I know it’s technically over, but MD works Sundays so we just hang out and clean. Think we’re going to feed those lunatic ducks again.

We went tot Great Wolf Lodge Thurs-Fri with those gift certificates MD won last year. Had to wait for the room rates to go down. Geebus. And while nice, for the money, I’d of rather gone to Oceans of fun and stayed in regular hotel. Cheaper. Oh well, it was free and the kids had fun. Wore Ian the hell out. ANd MD who had to carry him up all the stairs.

Me? I was humiliated all day because of my fat ass wearing that swimsuit. I failed and I am a loser. Now I have to eat that bikini. Yum.

———

My keyboard died this morning, so I ran to walmart to buy another. The gal at the register told me to take the one I picked up back and get the BIG lettered one. The cheapy for $5 with huge yellow letters. Perfect for my blind ass. Anyway, I half expected it not to work, but so far it’s doing beautifully.

———–

Ok, time for family time. MD is gone , but I’m really trying to do things on my own. Trying anyway. We’ll start with the park.

I’m recording this from my phone I will talk legibly or is that the right word I will talk correctly and slowly so that this voice recorder picked up my every word.

How to take a break because I had to cough I really f***** up a sentence. Okay back to post. I got a wow subscription for baby girl because she doesn’t have anything to do but
read , she loves to read but I know she like to take a break every once in awhile.

Older boys care to I don’t suspect I’ll get my computer back for a long while. MD has a game tonight I’m contemplating on whether to go or not.. I’m short white fat and old and I don’t particularly like being reminded of those fax by every two bit Bimbo in this town.

I’ve really nothing else to say that’s pathetic. I catch you later

Appt with the therapist this morning. We talked a lot about mom again. We usually do. She thinks maybe mom was jealous of the attention I ‘stole’ from dad. She might be right. I don’t know. I don’t remember her getting really bad until I was around 7/8 years old. Up until then, I don’t remember much. I know I tried to run away when I was little – like 5/6? So maybe my ‘troubled life’ started younger than what I actually remember. Who knows. About that time, mom was in her mid twenties with another baby in the house. Maybe i was the mistake and she was the planned one. Well, I know this is the case, but since they were married, I didn’t think it was that big of deal. Maybe it was?

Anyway……… she was happy to know about dad. She said that might relieve some stress. I’m not really stressed though. I don’t feel so anyway. I feel hazy. Lost.

And with that, I’m going to take my lost, lonely ass to walmart and cop a retail fixmeup.

Bana had some leftover icing from a cake she made. She asked if she could finish it off, and I said, sure, eat half now, half after dinner, then throw the can away. The look  I got was most assuredly – where the fuck else would I put it? I’m sure of it.

That’s the difference between my boys and my girl. They are pigs.

I am still in a funk. Like a haze I can’t break free from. Those headaches started it, and now I’m still behind – with the house, with bills, with groceries, with appts.

Just damn.

Our weekend in pictures….

Bana proud of her new contacts.

MB1′s baby girl “Socks” with her new pal Missy. Scuse me – Miss Meowsworth. That’s what you get when you let MB2 name her.

Miss Meowsworth. Ain’t she a doll?

This is Miss Boots. Booties. Bootsy. WHatever. She doesn’t come to anydamnthing anyway. Cute though.

They love MD. Especially Boots. She licks his ears at 2 in the morning. He loves it. Not really.

Yes, we’re idiots. Some friend of MD found baby kitties at his work and his mom said he couldn’t keep them. So guess who offered to take the two females? Yes, that’s right. The Idiots.

SO far, they purr, they play, they cuddle, they meow, they sleep on people… we’re batting 100% compared to the ….. mentally challenged kitties of old. Especially my baby boy who wandered off and ate those fucking lilies. These cats will never go outside. Never.

And with that, I am off. I put too much product in my hair last night because I tried a new conditioner and it sucked so I had to douse my locks in that whip shit and today I look like I could fry up some bacon. On my head. Sexy.

MD is at volleyball with the kids. I’m home with the two oldest and their girlfriends. Wonder if I can politely excuse myself to take a bath.

Yeah, I think so.

Mom finally bit on the cremation park idea. Still only skimmed the past few days, so I’ll just give the highlights – this park is right by dad’s family, it’s gorgeous, it’s a new idea for this area, dad’s remain were comingled into the vault that will mark the main dedication for the park. She (mom) bought a plaque to go on the marker that will say his name. It’s very very nice. She never would have gone for it had it not been nice.

Sister took the kids. Three youngest rather. Still have the 2 at home to deal with. How do you politely kick them out? I know. Ick. I’ll just hope they have plans.

My brain is soup after 4 back to back mother of gawd headaches. Well, 3 and a half. Last one only took 1 axert and 1 promethazine.  OMG was that hell. Wish I knew what caused them. Geebus.

What have I mentioned about cremationpark? Well, we did it. I’ll go back and read and be back in a bit.

Migraines are trying to kill me.

Migraine today. just now feeling back to normal. Missed Bana’s award ceremony , but I did manage to go take dad’s remains up to the funeral home. Not sure if I have been keeping you in the loop, but I’ll embellish here in a bit.

Nervous as all get out, but not as bad as I thought. I’m more relieved. It’s crazy, but I’m actually calmer now. It’s like this weight is lifted. My mind immediately said – in 4 years, we will no longer struggle financially. Four years is NOT a long time. Then I got excited over the idea of having what we need and being able to help the kids if they needed it. In four years. THen maybe MD can go while I work. He liked that idea.

So do I.

————

BTW – yes, I’m going to try Nursing School. Pray that I get over my weak stomach. Pray my memory comes back full force. Pray that I don’t piss myself in PE, throw up in speech, and drown in swim class. Going to need the klonopin definitely.

YOu’ll never guess…….

(more…)

I just realized that ……..sonofabitch. I csn’t remember.

Carry on.

Helluva storm ripped through here yesterday. My thoughts are with OK. Since MD is a cable guy, they’re busier than that one legged man. He said “late, I’ll be late, very late”.

Great. THen again, I’m kinda liking these paychecks.

——-

Anything on tv tonight? If he’s going to be gone, maybe I’ll watch the boob tube.

Nah. I hate that bitch.

SPent the day with J. She’s doing so much better. Still has a feeding tube, and she is back to using an insulin pump, but she’s still here – that’s the important thing.

Haven’t heard from P at all. Starting to move into that I could care less zone. Missed my birthday for the 2nd year in a row. Well,…… fuck her. I deserve better. And not just because she forgot the birthday – because of everything else. The shit I sent for Christmas – no response. The phone calls that have gone unanswered. THe texts that have been ignored. The card that was not acknowledged. THe birthdays and holidays that came and went without so much as a whisper from her. Again, fuck her. And yes, I am that cold hearted. WHen I want to be. SHe hasn’t spoken to me since August. Well, I got that text in December telling me how sorry she was she missed CHristmas. Yeah right.

Anyway…… I would love to take a bath, but it’s a little early. I’d love to go to sleep, but it’s a little early. I’d like MD to get home, but it’s a little early.

I better get up and get moving.

The graduation was nice. Threatened to storm the entire time so no one put on sunscreen. Mistake. Crispy critters today.

I’m glad my kids go to a relatively small school. 161 students seemed like an awful lot to sit through. But the area high schools usually graduate 800-1200 kiddos. Not sure I could sit through that.

Just can’t believe I’m halfway done graduating kiddos. You know, had I not lost my mind all those years ago, we’d be done. Wouldn’t have the last 3.

And life would suck.

MB3′s main core group (minus A who we couldn’t find for the photo). Great group of kids who do not drink. Do not smoke. Do not use drugs. However, don’t piss them off or they will tag your car and vaseline your door handles. I love these kids. 

I’m not pissed in this picture – the glare was awful. 

This is MB3 and A – my other son. The one who started hanging around the year I started this blog. I’ve watched him grow into a fine young man as well. Very proud of them both. And isn’t that a lovely picture of MB1 and MB2  in the background? lol

MD texted about 4 hours ago and said he’d worked out 40% of any tournament he organizes. He said they were working out the rest of the details like percentage of bar business, booking the hall with events, getting sponsors, etc.  The fact that he’s still not home yet is encouraging.

I wish they would just pay him what he’d be worth on a salary basis and let him get to work. I doubt that’s going to happen, but this will be a nice boost to the budget anyway.

MD is talking to those guys again. Not going to ask for shit. If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen. If we’re meant to move on and continue our lives the way they are, then so be it.

Udder cream smells divine. That moo moo shit or whatever. Smells like something from my childhood but I can’t remember what.

My ipod is dying. This makes me so sad. Is there a way to change the battery?  I bet not huh? It used to last forever because I try to use it sparingly when I am not at home, but now it’s dying after a short while and it really makes me frown. Such strong emotion over an object. But music is my everything. It dictates my day. WIthout it ….. argh. I still have it at home through itunes, but I am rarely here. Just..  shit.

MB3 graduates Sunday – have I mentioned that? Isn’t that wild?

When I started this blog, he was in the 2nd grade.

Isn’t he adorable? Such a sweetie.

Now, hell, he’s damn near a man. Shit, he IS a man. He’s more mature than most people I know. He changes diapers, he rubs feet, he brushes hair, he takes the kids for ice cream, he works his ass off when he has a job, he’s just a dependable, good-natured, honest to goodness good kid. And I am oh so proud to be his mom. I will probably bawl this Sunday even though this is my third kiddo to graduate – probably because this IS my third kiddo to graduate. They’re all leaving and while I’m excited for their futures, I’m already having empty nest drama and I still have 3 at home. WTF will I do when they go off to college? Damn. I just ruined my makeup and i have to leave to get the kids.

If I don’t make it back here this weekend – have a good one.

MD should be home any time now. THen it’s bye bye on call and hello weekend.

At least for a couple weeks. Not sure when he has it again, but it’s been 3 times in the past 6 weeks, and that’s crazy. It lasts a whole week and his days off go bye bye every damn time.

I have an appt with Janice tomorrow. Med doc. I am hoping she’s going to say – you know, there’s nothing to do here but maintain – so don’t come back for 6 months. Unfortunately, she’s still working out my nightmare issue and the anxiety issue and I don’t know what’s what on that front.

I have adhd tonight. I can’t sit still. I can’t sit here.

Chow.

Air in the house is fixed. Thank gawd.

MD and I are back to better than normal. We really cleared the air last night. He deleted all his games off of his phone. I didn’t ask him to. I didn’t want him to so he didn’t resent me or some shit. But he did and then called to tell me about it. He said he realizes that he is a cell phone gamer and he needs to stop. I feel 50 pounds lighter just hearing that. He really spent all fucking day on that thing. Can’t talk to someone who never looks at you and simply says,,, uh huh and shit the whole time.

Now if he’d just chuck the tv out the window. All SIX of them.

Fight didn’t start until midnight, so it wasn’t like an all day/night thing. Mainly fought about the usual shit. I need more affection and time and something to do, he needs to watch less tv, play less on his phone, and include us more in his volleyball shit so we aren’t just sitting around revolving around vball. Same ole shit.

I think we have a plan though. No tv for a month. (!! – I won I won!!) Only games on his phone when I ‘m not around or home or if I want to play a game too. Mirror each other instead of just fucking up the translation and arguing about the fuckup instead of the real issues and making sure we know what the issues really are. Stop going to bed angry – not sure how we got away from this VERY important rule. Probably because no one likes staying up till 3am and we won’t fight around the kids. Well, not often. We try not to. We’re going to do more as a family like we used to. Make a list of shit to do when we see it, so we have a plan when the time and money are there.

I said a lot of things I’ve wanted to say for along time, but was afraid it’d start a fight. I explained why I am so insecure about his vball female friends. I explained that sex wasn’t just sex, it’s my only MDALLTOMYSELF time. I explained a lot of reasons why I am the way I am and the why I behave like I do. I think he gets it now.

And he explained to me the pressure he’s under and what he needs to function. I got it before, but I saw last night just how important it is to him to have that release. And he once again explained how he has no need for a girlfriend, no time for a girlfriend, no energy for a girlfriend, and no desire for a girlfriend. For once, I kinda sorta believed him. I’m trying anyway.

———

Then we made up – you ain’t getting those deets.

———-

Anyway, took MN1 and MN1′s girlfriend to the airport. She seems really nice.

———-

Tonight starts MD”s weekend – my favorite part of the week. He’s mine for 2 days. Well, there is a tournament Saturday, so I guess I get him for 1.5 days.

Trying not to get pissy. I’ll take the kids and go watch. Right? Right.

Fight till 3am.

Makeup till 4am.

Sleep for 2 hours then start your day.

Glorious.

My head is about to implode.

I’ve lost three inches AND I’m on my period. Doesn’t that mean that I have lost a little more? Shouldn’t I be big and bloated right now? Sorry guys. Had to ask.

—–

Hot as a muther outside at 88 degrees. Probably because my air isn’t working. Not in the house, not in ANY OF THE THREE CARS, nada. Feel like a primitive ape sweating my ass off. There is sweat in crevices I am most definitely sure that are not supposed to be damp. Damn, that was semi-foul as well. Oh well.

Damn i feel good today. Good thing about being bipolar – when you are in a good mood, you’re in a REALLY good mood. Too bad when you’re foul, you’re really foul.

MD”s check was just enough to cover the main bills. Thank God. Really, Thank God. I’m trying to Let Go and all that jazz. Give me time. Still bitter.

Pork chops in the crock pot with that 3 packet seasoning shit and it smells divine in here. Think it’s ranch, italian, and gravy – all dry mixes. Yummy on everything I’ve tried so far, which isn’t much- chicken, roast, and now chops. Delish.

Had my psychotherapy appt. She’s the greatest. She remembers everything and that just amazes me. She also keeps asking why I have anything to do with mom. Said to minimize that shit and I’d better off. Told her I can handle it now. She said – YOU can, but the child inside of you that was verbally and emotionally abused all those years cannot. And that this child needs to come to some realizations BEFORE I can sit with mom and not still feel like choking her. Realizations like I am worthy of a loving relationship. I am a better mother because she was such a shitty one. I am capable of trusting men – and this one is hard because of the brainwashing we got  as children that said all men are bad and sick and evil and even the nicest man will molest and kill if you aren’t careful. Seriously. This is damaging. Only man I ever trusted was Dad. Now I ALMOST trust MD, but again, it’s hard. HE’s done some shit that was hard to forget/forgive. So have I, but that’s not the issue – and I’m fixing MY issues anyway. I am learning that I don’t have to hate everyone and that dad’s side of the family is not the enemy. I am learning to do my own thing instead of always trying to please and appease mother. I am learning how to enjoy my children and listen to them because they are neat little humans.

In other words, she wants me to lay low because she doesn’t think I can work on the above and still see mom on a consistent basis. I think I can. I will say though, the anger feels fresher than it did. Like I”m more angry at her each time for doing that same shit she’s always done – rude to people, short with kids, etc. Each time I want to pop her more and more. I won’t, but hot dammit I want to. I asked B if that meant I was failing, and she said of course not. That it tells her that I’m making progress on ME – that I am growing more and more irritated with her because I”m learning the right way of thinking instead of her warped shit, and my brain is having a harder and harder time of tolerating her.

——–

OH ———–this is what pissed me off today….. THe whole reason B was concerned I think…..

MS sent me an email to a link that was from the local funeral home. THere is a cemetery attached, and that’s where my dad’s family is. Mom’s family is in the Catholic cemetery. Yes, it’snicer, but that’s not the point.

THe point is, they opened a new area for cremations only. Right now, if you contact them, the internment (sp?) is free , and his name will be included in the dedication. Pretty farking cool , right?

She didn’t bite. Not only didn’t she bite, she simply refused to talk about it. Now she says we’ll spread his ashes on K Hill – this lookout that dad grew up around. His favorite spot. Which is cool – EXCEPT – we suggested this years ago and she said dad wasn’t in his right mind when he said he wanted that, and she thought it was a tacky idea. Then she said, why not in the yard as part of a memorial- and i said, you said what if you move? So she then proceeds to explain that she’s decided she’ll just dig him up if it ever comes to that. I almost barfed. Like he’s a bone or something. So she went back the K Hill idea and even set a date. In September on his birthday. She said then I can throw flowers off of there on Memorial Day. Whatever.

I told her to do something because it was disgusting to keep him in the CARDBOARD box he came in after the cremation.  Sitting on her nightstand collecting dust. He deserves to be put to rest. It’s been 6 years. Can you believe it’s been that long? I know.

Anyway, I’m not going to talk to her about it anymore because of that popping her in the face thing, so MS is going to work on her. I hope she’s successful.

I might not have been working out, but I’ve still managed to lose 3 inches off my waist  - just by doing the situps every day? Is that possible?

I don’t care if the fat fairy came and sucked it out, I’m happy as hell.

I haven’t cried in days. Well, I HADN’T cried in days. Really, can’t remember the time, sometime last week. But today? Holy shit.  Iguess I”m making up for it. BUT – I really wish I would do it in private. It’s annoying when the tears let loose in public.

Like this morning when the kids were in the gym waiting for the buses. The day started for the rest of the school, and this bell rang and the kids all stood up, turned to the flag and covered their little hearts – and then they all started in…. I pledge allegiance to the flag….. I couldn’t believe my ears. I thought they stopped that! I was in tears by the time they got to Under God – I can’t believe they still said that too! — and then I couldn’t stop them the tears from running down my face, so I had to run to the bathroom real quick. I don’t know. It just struck me as awesome.

Then I was watching the kids eat lunch today and I saw Ian share his cookies with some little gal – a little special gal. Not too too special, just slightly so. Just enough that I knew she had to have some major issues – and then I saw her name tag. “E” – my gawd. His ‘old woman’. His EX old woman. He ‘went out’ with her. This was the same little one that he slugged because she threw the ball in his face. The teacher caught me smiling, and said – yeah, gotta watch those two. It’s either romance or war. I guess they held hands through kindergarten, ‘dated’ through 1st grade, fought through 2nd grade, and are good friends now in 3rd. She takes all the special classes he does as well. Except for OT. Not sure why. But then I realized that he was able to see past her differences and like her anyway, which is great –and expected — for an adult, but not so easy for a child. So, I cried again. Fought the tears though so I didn’t have to leave.

Then I cried when I got lost. All three times.

Then I cried when I realized that I have an appt with B tomorrow and I can ask her wtf am I crying for.

Exhausting day though. Crying is hard work.

———

dot made her arrival. Thank gawd.

———-

I create this post about whythefuck am i crying, then I end it with dot. Well no WONDER I”m effing crying.

I am not complaining – but – it’s hot as hell out there. I’m not ready for shorts yet, so Im gonna sweat my ass cracky off until I lose some of this shit.

Field trip to legoland went well. She thought I would have my hands full with Ian (wheelchair, bathroom breaks, steps, etc) so I got no other kids. Yeeefarkinghaw.

Wasn’t that big of place – kids were done in 2 hours. Thank goodness there was a 15 minute 4d movie. THat killed some time. They talked about rides – there were two. And one was broke.

Then I got lost coming home. Going there, I followed the line. COming home, I did it myself. I figured, how hard can it be to find the highway? HAHAHAHAHA ——– funny fucking joke. SO damn funny to pull over  and then turn around 3 — yes THREEE times. I was about in tears the last time. Thank GOD I’m on meds, because my navigation shit was going crazy – reroute……reroute…..reroute. OMG I almost threw my phone out the window. Yes, I had my phone’s navigation and I was still lost. I’m a loser. stfu please.

I want pizza so I don’t have to cook. I want pizza so I can eat it. I want pizza so I can eat some crazy bread. I want pizza so Michelle can shake her head and say whatthefuck are you doing…….

I’m a weak loser michelle. I can’t work out this week because every farking day starts at 8 and I would have to get up at 4 to work out, then get ready and to have me and the kids our of here by 7. And I would be jumping and moving right over MB2′s bed, and that shit is LOUD. Sounds like the damn ceiling is caving in. I’ve still been doing situps every day and squats, but this whole process is going to take awhile for me to find a system that works. Now I WANT to work out and I can’t. Maybe I can do it at night?

That was weird. It looks like a piece from another post was at the bottom of my last post. Or else I had a stroke while I was writing it. Made about that much sense.

Getting ready for the field trip. Argh. Please let my kids be decent. Please let my kids be decent. Please.

Damn. More hot sweats. THis is ridiculous. And now I’m really really late. No matter what length of cycle you go by. Anywhere from 7-13 days I guess. I know I’m not pregnant, so maybe it’s the startings of menopause? Wouldn’t that be sweet? Probably too young for that. But damn, dare to dream.

Don’t feel like doing much of anything. MD is at work, and the kids are all in bed. THe ones that are here anyway. Not sure where MB2 is and MB3 has a game. If that boy isn’t playing, he’s coaching. That’s his 4th team in two years. Well, he’s coaching two right now. I’m proud of him for doing shit like this. He doesn’t get paid. He gets nothing whatsoever except to watch them play.

I took a promethazine for the nausea and I’m sleepy as all hell. And I forgot to pick up my axert. I’m stooopid.

I’m hungry. But what do I eat? 14 cheezits, that’s what. Think that’s 150 or something. I can live with that.

Michelle, must I watch carbs if I’m watching calories? I mean, I don’t gorge on bread, but if I have a regular hamburger I want it on a bun. KWIM? Mom says no way jose. I say – that’s why I”m not doing that shit.  Just curious.

Field trip tomorrow. Guess who volunteered to go? Yep. And guess who is getting assigned children – other than my own? Gawd. I had no idea it’d urn into this shit.

If you have migraines and you haven’t tried Axert, you are doing yourself an INCREDIBLE injustice. My gawd does it work. 20 minutes. I’ve only had to use a second pill 3 times in well over a year. And I have enough migraines to go through an 12 pack in about a month and a half. It’s expensive, but so is getting a shot in the ass.

ANywho -

Waiting for MB1 to pick me up. He has to go get his car registered and he wants me to go with him. Okey dokey.

Then I have 2 dishes to get busy on for tonight’s girl scout awards ceremony.

YAY YAY YAY

I’m so excited. Ok, not so much. I know she loves it, and I would never crush her, but damn. I am not cut out to be some sort of ‘mom’ – you know the one who bakes and goes camping and makes macaroni plates and shit. I like being the one who RECEIVES the plate. OH well, I’m going.

Now what to make…..

Soldiers sent a link to another story on Ian.

AND they said the wikipedia has been updated for Ft RIley to include a picture and blurb down towards the bottom.

It’s humbling what they do for my son.

MB3′s girlfriend’s mother is bipolar. Like crazier than shithouse rat bipolar. She is verbally and mentally abusive. He’s not sure if it gets physical or not. Gawd I hope not. Anyway, she keeps kicking her out for stupid shit. This poor thing is 20 years old, and has been going to the fucking food pantry for YEARS getting food for her and her mom so they don’t starve  - because there is no money. L is in school with MB3  and I think he said she works part time now. But what child should have to worry about getting their allowed quota of food? Makes me sick.

If she kicks truly kicks her out, do I let her sleep in the streets? My gawd. What these kids of mine put my mind through. I just remember what it was like with my mom. That’s why I’m so screwed up now. She’s already 20 , but she shouldn’t have to worry about where she’s going to sleep at night or what she’s going to eat.

ARgh. …..

THey don’t go to the movies. THey don’t go out to eat. THey don’t do anything except she makes him dinner and then they watch tv at our house. Neither have any money. All his money goes for gas and art supplies. Hers goes for gas and food and school supplies.

sigh. just damn. I know I can’t help every body, but aren’t we supposed to help when something isn’t right?

MD could change his life today. Pray for him to have the guts to effectively get his point across and for them to be receptive.

He was asked for some ideas on how to promote the volleyball establishment he plays at. The one he’s reff’ed at and done security for 9 years now.  The owners are two brothers who seem genuinely interested in expanding their slowly dying empire – volleyball, bowling center (massive), and two bars, one hall, one pool hall, and then darts and little shit. There are 3 smaller bars as well – none of which are being used because they aren’t needed these days.

MD has a lot of good, good ideas to help them keep from closing their doors in a few years. He’s afraid of no more volleyball. lol

They had asked how he wanted this to work and he was to think about it. Whether he wants a percentage, or a bonus type thing, or whatever. He’s going to explain how he could accomplish more if he was a full time employee. Weekends, nights and Fridays aren’t much time to get much done.

If they agree and pay him what he’d be worth, well, we won’t get ahead of ourselves.

ANY thoughts or prayers would be great. There have been a lot of opportunities that would have been great for him, but this takes the cake. Mixing sales and sports? Geebus.

ANyhow – my nerves are shot just thinking about it this morning.

I feel better now. I bought a hair dye. That’s all it takes, to make me happy. $4 buttersilk kit. That is all.

Mom is on the phone. While talking to me, she’s busy typing to her friends online.  Rude. So I’m gonna type to you. Mother’s Day and she’s making me furious. She’s joining a dating service. Few thousand dollars and 12 guaranteed dates. Whatever. It’s her money.

Busy week ahead. Field trips, field days, park days, graduation……. B appt, J appt. Going to be a busy bee.

I hope MD’s check is huge. We’re sure going to need it to pay for a grad party and still have money to loan him for the trip.

Going to MS’ tonight for Mother’s day. MN1 is in town with his sweetie. MD had to work so he’s coming after.

I got up this morning and fixed everyone brunch. And then I cleaned up. Happy mother’s day. lol

Waiting for the boy’s girlfriend to leave so we can get comfy. Comfy.

In a delightful mood tonight. Today. I need every day to be Saturday. Every day.

I want to go fishing but it’s too cold tonight. Near freezing. In May. Riding up on June’s ass. Unbelievable.

I hope this girl hurries up.

Boys are camping. Freezing their nuts off I imagine. Serves em right. Masters of the Plan….more like Let’s Wing It. No sleeping bags. No gear. No fishing poles.? Whatthefuckever.

—————-

Alrighty – that was last night. Think i was punchy.

Boys are still out camping. I bet they are FREEZING. It’s like 35 in the house because we didn’t turn the heat on. Ok, it’s 63 but it’s feeling like 35. I finally stopped shivering when i threw on my sweatshirt. I doubt those boys are going to find any relief out there no matter how many sweaters they throw on.

——-

And Happy Mother’s Day to all the mamas out there. I hope today is your day.

Boys have a friend in town – he’s an online friend that they’ve played xbox with for 6 years. They are all on cloud 9 to finally meet him in person. What’s more, is there is a steady stream of boys in and out of here of their other friends who want to finally meet him too. Nice kid. Not at all the ax murderer I was expecting.

The only people in the world that not only understand that joke, but understand that it IS a joke are you folks out there. Cause not a fucking ONE of the IRL friends I have thought that shit was funny.

The looks of horror just made me laugh harder.

I wrote the main one an email Laura. Thank you! I will send it out to more if I hear nothing by end of day today.

I was talking to MD and he was snoring. Yeah, it happens. So far three times this morning alone. Very frustrating. I want to smash something into his head. Maybe not kill him, but sure as shitting teach his ass a lesson.

Whoa . Perhaps I should pause for station identification and take my meds.

Alrighty then. . .

Oh hell. I just want to smashsmashsmash. I’m sick of being poor. I’m sick of looking through jobs and not knowing if i can do them. I’m sick of not knowing what I’m capable of but fearing it won’t be enough if i try. I’m sick of being afraid.

Would it be ballsy of me to ask hotels to put the soldiers up the night before the turney so that they don’t have to drive 3 hours the morning of the turney or maybe so they don’t have to drive back 3 hours that night at 7-8-9 oclock. I don’t know. Do I have the guts to call and ask? Doubtful.

Was a great time at ft riley. I love those guys. They treat my boy – and us – like family. Royal family. We stayed in Bacon Hall again. We explored the post since it’s open now and welcome to visitors. We all took nice long hot baths and went to bed early. Ceremony followed the next day. Ian did the Pass and Review section of the parade. So damn cute. I have to find the pictures, hold on…..

Hopefully this is the link to the story.  The power was out on base for 4 hours so we couldn’t get his hair cut and they zoomed in on his name pn the back of his neck and his ducktail shines brightly. Sigh. Was fun though. Then we met with the new commander and the old commander’s family and then the new commander again and his family. He promised to keep Ian a member of the unit. We are invited back in June for the V Games and then in July for the COL’s departure, and then Mac is  coming to the tourney in Aug with 11 other soldiers. Or more, whatever. He was just thinking he could fill the van up with soldiers and drive over to play vball all day. 12 hot sweaty soldiers – this could be a problem.

Said no one ever.

Leaving here in a little while to head to Ft Riley. Kids are excited. Only taking the two little ones if I hadn’t mentioned that before. MB3 has finals and MB4 has MAP testing. Pretty sure I’ve mentioned that already, but tough shit. I can be old and senile if I wanna.

Day got a little better. We leave tomorrow afternoon for Ft Riley. Ian is going to participate in the ceremony they’re having for Col Shull. Should be cute.

My biggest fear was checking the bank this morning. After paying the bills I have to pay, they sure ain’t a whole lot leftover for fuel and such. This trip is going to eat us alive with fuel but what choice do we have? Once in a lifetime chances.

Damn I’ve just made myself sad again. Once the kids are out of school, I am going to start either looking for a job or looking for a cleaning gig. I’ve had it with being poor. Please let me find a place as wonderful as the place I left. Please let me find a place that understands about appts and sick kids and migraines. Please let me find a place that allows for my shitty memory and lack of reasoning skills. When I say that I’d be good at a gas station – i might be giving myself too much credit. That shit is hard at times. But I have to try something.

Egads – Bana’s contacts are going to cost $280. That’s for 6 months but still. cripes! I was used to paying like $80 for MB2′s. Thank gawd MB4 couldn’t wear them. I’d be sucking wind right about now paying for both. Actually I haven’t bought them yet. THe girl ordered another trial set so Bana should be set for about 2 months. She said we could stretch them by taking them out when she gets home and not wearing them on the weekends. As soon as I figure out what’s on the flex card, I’ll get her contacts. Sigh.

I have to go fill in the med container. It’s completely empty. Nice I have been taking my pills. Boo I have been taking my pills and they aren’t working.

Oh yeah. My birthday. Went out with MD MS and MBIL and had a few drinks. Then we came home. The End. Maybe next year we’ll actually plan something because there just ain’t shit to do in this town.

Having a really bad day. Trying to pick myself up but it’s hard. I just want to sleep. I did manage to clean up the kitchen but that is about all I’ve done.

Met MB2′s girlfriend last night. Very cute girl. And very sweet. I approve. She had adorable little dimples. Can’t be a psycho with dimples, can you?

I don’t have any appts this week. Miracle. None. Nada. Going to feel weird doing nothing. I better have a clean house. And tight abs. HAHAHAHLOLOLOLOL whatever. i did some situps this morning watching a tv show a friend wanted me to watch. Did some situps. Like i actually did some regular situps. What I meant to say was that I did some crunches – BUT i was able to sit up all the way with a bit of jerking the body but I couldn’t do that 3 weeks ago. My gut is still as big, don’t get me wrong, but the crunches are easier.

Seriously I have one month. One month to get skinny. Yeah right. We all know I will fail. It’s really fucked up because when I quit smoking, they didn’t say – look you still have to smoke a little each day to live, but NOT TOO MUCH. It would have been impossible to quit. Yet I have to eat a little every day and some people say 4-6 times a day and others say 3 a day and others say this and others say that. Bottom line, you still have to eat.Not cool.

MB2 is back from the doc but he hasnt said what went on. I haven’t asked and he hasn’t offered it up. Whatever.

More situps. Have to do something. Wish MB2 would go to work so I can do turbofire.

MB2 got a phone call on my phone just a minute ago. DOc office confirming his appt for monday. ??? I ask him – he says – yeah, I’ve been coughing up blood. !!! I ask several questions and find out that he’s spitting out some yucky stuff when he coughs in the morning, and it looks blood tinged. Vastly different than coughing up blood. He wants the doc to take a look. Whatever. I’m done. He told me he had an aura the other day and what did I recommend to ward off the monster headache he was about to receive. I told him to take an advil. Again, whatever. Stick a fork in me.

Still not home. Think he has another hour. ANd some change.

It’s ok, I’m fixing me a pizza. Why? BEcause I’m so not doing well on the diet that who gives a shit. I haven’t weighed myself in 5 days as punishment. Not until Monday. Gawd please don’t let it be more than 5lbs heavier than i was.

———

Mom wants to do something for my birthday, but I am having MB2′s girlfriend over for dinner SUnday, so it will have to be Saturday for everything. Including MD and MS and maybe MS’ husband. Mom ain’t into that. Said to let her know what i was doing – in other words, am i going out with her or Md. The woman is impossible. And will be lonely Saturday when I pick MD as my date.

She’s just irritating.

Give me the saddest song you know, and just start plugging in my info….. oh woe is me….md is gone again………he’s never around when i need him……. he never around at all……and he wonders why everyone acts like dino the dinosaur around him when he is home.

My fucking birthday is tomorrow. How did this happen? I guess I don’t really mind so much. I just wish we had the choice of going up or down… 40 sounds so much better than 42.

42!! I was 30 when I started this bitch! 30/31 – I remember turning 31. OMG I remember turning 31, and it’s thanks to this blog. I remember saying something about the aches and pains starting when you hit 31. Geeezus. Would it have stuck in my mind otherwise? I doubt it.

Thank you blog. Thank you for always…..and i mean ALWAYS being here for me when i needed to let it all out.  Thanks for helping me to talk myself through it many many many times over. Thanks for documenting my life, my kids’ lives, my friends’ lives, …..thanks for documenting the news and the highlights of the times. Thanks for not letting me forget the pain throughout the years. One needs to be reminded of the possibilities in life, and pain is definitely a possibility. One that perhaps can be avoided simply by remembering what it took to get there in the first place.

Thanks for connecting me to my Internet friends. My friends do live inside this box, and I love them all dearly. Not really sure what I would do if I didn’t have them.

And thanks to Nancy for setting up my first blog. Many, many thanks.

—–

Damn. Tangent.

——-

MD has to work 4 hours today. Only 3 more left. Dino excited.

Technically, MD is off in 45 minutes. I don’t expect him home then, because that’s just not the way things work. I don’t mind the OT, but tonight is the last night of the week, and I just want him home to start our weekend.

I am so flippin bored. What to do . WHat to do.

rocky racoon…….had come equipped with a gun……..

Tomorrow i need to pay bills. Thrill.

everyone knew her as nancy….

Damn, maybe i should just go to bed.

Finally a moment to myself…. and Ian hollers. brb

——–

Never fails. I started this post 35 minutes ago. This sentence I should say.

Let’s try again…..

We were invited back to Ft Riley next week to say good bye to the Colonel that made the original trip happen. He’s leaving and the guys thought it would be neat if Ian could come up and be a part of the ceremony. Can’t really afford it, but how do you say no? We’ll manage.

And I need a dress. Or a skirt. SOmething to wear to this ceremony. Needs to be nice but not too ‘heavy’. Not sure if it’s inside or outside.  Not sure what the weather is going to do. Sigh. Again, I’ll manage.

Haven’t done turbofire all week and I feel like shit. But get MD out of the house and I”ll get back to it. Next week. Next week for sure.

Just enjoying the mornings with MD. WHIch makes my afternoons and evenings a bitch, but oh well.

I’m here. Just in a thinking mood. Not a bad mood just a thinking mood.

MD is home until noon every day then I try to cram as much cleaning and errands as I can until I pick up the kids at 2/3pm.

Just no time, never enough time.

Spent today pretty happy because I know what the evening has in store.

I will fucking kill if he’s too tired when he gets home. Cause he AIN’T home yet, and it’s entering a dangerous stage where he’s home late and sleepy and I get to stay high and dry for yet another night.

I have devised my plan for this evening. Now I just need him to get home.

MD has been very naughty all day. Well, this morning and at lunch. I was encouraged thinking this means a little definite action for MM, but I want some insurance. I was going to send a pic, but that’s a work phone and I’d just love for my boobs to show up on the internet. I thought about a nightie, but then I have to wear my robe while the kids are awake and it’s hot as hell. Truly. I am NOT bitching, but I really don’t want to wear my heavy ass winter rob right now. What else there though? I have some ideas I won’t post here , but I’m not sure I have the balls to pull them off.

Talked to J most of the morning. WHile I folded 5 loads of clothes. 4 more to go, plus the loads in right now. Argh.

Today is the day I clean the kitchen top to bottom. Yay me.

That’s from my visitor list. The kids like to see where everyone is from, so I check it to see if anything new pops up – and something did!

Continent	:	Africa
Country	:	Botswana  (Facts)
State/Region	:	South-East
City	:	Gaborone

Wow – the kids will be thrilled to death to find out someone in africa stopped by. And Australia. And the UK. And France. what else did i see? Just awesome. Of course, my pals over on this side of the world are just as awesome.

And because you’re all so awesome, I’m going to share a recipe that would be criminal if I didn’t. It’s that good….

——————-

Chuck Roast

Packet of brown gravy mix

Packet of Italian dressing mix

Packet of Ranch dressing mix

water

–

Spray inside of crock pot with non-stick. Place the roast inside. Sprinkle each packet over the top of the roast, and add enough water to be about an inch. Cover and cook for 8 hours.

Holy shit. Your kids will eat this up. THe fucking neighbors came over and commented on wtf is that smell? It’s awesome. It turns into this flavorful crust on the top, and hit’s so so so tender that it melts. I almost chickened out because I hate salad dressing, but i was brave and tried it – and holy shit – it doesn’t taste like dressing, it tastes like this juicy marinade – like that seasoned brisket at sam’s? OMG – that’s what this tastes like. MMMMMmmm

Look at me, giving out recipes. I’m a regular Suzy Homemaker.

I love 3 hours of sleep one night, then 2, then 2, then 3……. lala la lala ……. i need something to make me sleep. This melatonin isn’t working. I need my beauty sleep man.

oh my marital woes. I”m sure the kids will love to read about this shit later. Not.

I am particularly snippy the past few weeks. Only thing I can think of is the lamictal. I love it, but it makes me like hypo-hypo manic. Not full blown, just enough to make it a touch difficult for me. Back to wanting to buy something, anything, the rage, the way I get confused easily, the way i yell at the kids, the way i yell at md, the way I slam shit around when something doesn’t go right.

The sky is turning violet.

—————

Maybe I should talk to her and drop down to 25mg. See if I get any benefit from that small of an amount. That’s the only pill it could be, especially when she said to pay close attention to make sure I could handle it because the warning label indicates mania in bipolar I people, which is why it’s mainly used to treat bipolar II people as they are depressed the majority of the time.

—————-

Anyway —– I got nothing else.

ANyway —–

MD- what is that supposed to mean?

mm-if you’ve noticed , i’m the one for 23 years that’s kept us talking.told him that i am always the one to start the conversation. he either responds, or he ignores. told him that that is exactly what i’m sick of. cause i get called snotty and bitchy and everything else, when really all i was trying to do was communicate with you.

md- that’s bullshit, i start conversations too.

mm- oh yeah? then how come i hear the crickets chirping today? oh because it’ so fucking quiet in here. There is utterly no noise between us. UNTIL I started talking to you about this. I’m just tired of carrying some of the weight alone. THen I don’t feel loved. I don’t feel loved when you don’t hold my hand for a few days. Or sit beside me on the couch. Or come in and fold clothes with me. Or ask me for sex during the day. And what about sex? Why is it that you seem to think 2 is an acceptable number with out consulting me. BEcuase it’s not. If you can’t give affection – give me sex. And vice versa. You can’t blink out on both because that’s a real gamble to take given the way I”m feeling. THen i told him that I will continue to bring this up every so often until we reach some sort of middle ground because it has yet to be resolved. Can’t bitch at me for that, not logical.

md-…….

mm- that’s ok. take your time. we’ll talk about this again tomorrow night.

————

That’s pretty  much it. It ended on a good note and hopefully we can talk rationally tonight about what to do about this. About us. It’s out of my hands at this point. I have certain needs that I need to know if he can fulfill.  If not, we need to see becky immediately to save this marriage because I can’t keep wasting my life with someone who doesn’t love me. And that’s what i feel like when he blows me off or ignores me or doesn’t reach for my hand or whatever – i feel unloved. I am not going to live my life feeling unloved. so he can make this decision and that will be that. Life is tooooooooooooooo short.

————-

Anyway —- we ended up having a very nice nonverbal meeting later, so it all turned out ok. Then again , that department has never been an issue. Maybe the frequency…..

I hit draft on that one. It’s not done or proofread so read at your own risk lol. I will finish it here in a bit.

Had a great day. Let me bore you with it. ..

MD and I wake up – pretend nothing is wrong, and exchange pleasantries. He goes to work. I clean and pack the kids up for a fun day of activities – cheap burger place to grab some burgers to take to the park. Then we got ice cream and went to a flower sale. All with my mother. best behavior to boot. Not a bad day at all.

Then MS invites us to dinner, and we are (md and I) are very cordial still. Every once in awhile, one of us will forget we’re not talking completely yet and will comment about something or laugh or ask a question. We get back home. I completely ignore him by playing on my phone. He kept putting his down and looking at me, but screw that. We finally were alone tonight and I sat down and he sat down and he turned the tv off. We sat in silence for 20 minutes. Was creepy. Not this

I said – wow, are we in trouble.

MD-Why?

MM- because of the silence.

MD – oh I know. It’s great.

MM- no, the silence between us.

MD-…………………………….

MM- I have made a few decisions.

MD- oh you have?

mm- yes, I’m done. I quit being the person who initiates converation.

I got up this morning and went to work. No, not that kind of work.

I got up and immediately did the snack dishes from last night. Then I cleaned out the 3 school supply cabinets to get them ready for the slow buildup of supplies this summer in preparation for the new school year. I did combine them into 2, so I had more room for pots/pans. Then I rearranged the pots/pans/bakeware cabinets. Then I organized the cleaners. Now I’m about to tackle the shit ass mess around this computer. Busy day and it’s not even 9am. Not too bad for a gal that’s riding 4 hours sleep – from the past TWO days. 2 hours each night. It’s got to stop, I’m exhausted. But not sleepy. There’s a difference. I could lay down if I was sleepy. I’d just sit there as it is now.

Anyway……

Everyone is still asleep. Well, MD is gone, but he’s always gone. We had a fight last night. Again. I really think my head is going to drive me away from here. Or from him I should say. He just doesn’t get it. Maybe I don’t even get it anymore.

He gets mad because he says it’s always the same argument. But of course it is. If Bana came to me and said she was starving, and I didn’t fix her something to eat, should I get mad at her when she comes back and asks again? She never got the fucking food. I never get my shit resolved. I’m never going to stop bitching. And I don’t bitch initially. I ask. Politely. It’s only when I get ignored that I get snotty and bitchy. I hate being disregarded. Only his needs are important.

I told him that I was tired of my life being controlled by him. So he goes off on this tangent about how I am free to do what I want and I should get a hobby and it’s not his fault I don’t have anything to do…….. and i said could you hush so I could explain what I’m talking about? But he didn’t. So I yelled. And he still didn’t. So I yelled some more. Then he shut up so I tried again… Told him that he controls the tv remote, he controls which movies we go see, how often we have sex, and we always have to work around his fucking volleyball schedule. I could never even think of finding something for ‘me’ – there is isn’t time. Someone has to stay home and feed and bathe the kids on the nights he’s off playing around with his friends. It’s not MB3′s job to raise the little ones. I don’t mind asking him to babysit, but on a school night? That’s not babysitting – that’s parenting. Not his job. He just let it all fly by though. Just hollered that it was the same fucking argument we always have. Yes, yes it is. And I am not sure how many more times I’ll endure it before i get tired of trying to get the attention/affection/time that I need. I have no value. He’s my only world, everything I do is for him or with him – never for me. It’s never about me and what I want. Well screw that.

———-

Whoa…….simmer down ang.

———

I slammed the door last night and went into the living room to cool off. He just went to bed. Fine. So we’re going to sleep angry  now. I guess this marriage is toast. That’s how I feel. Like it’s falling apart around me. I went to bed really late and when I woke up this morning, he acted like everything was fine. Well it’s not. Not for me. We’re headed to counseling or else this shit ain’t going to make it to 25 years.

———-

On a happier note – it’s going to be 80 today!!

Not sure how this is going to work out. I added more pictures this time – one from now and one from the year I started this blog. I wanted to see how much they’ve changed.

My baby boy. Yeah I know he wasn’t even a sparkle in MD’s eye when this blog was born, but I didn’t want him to feel left out

This child is so amazing. He’s so smart and aware and cautious. He loves music and the military and movies….. He’s a very soft hearted kiddo who would gladly give you the last piece. He’s my little goof, and also my little scholar. He gets straight A’s and I know he’s only in 3rd grade and that isn’t very hard, but it IS hard for third graders. I’m very proud of him. I don’t do homework with him either. All on his own. He’s only missed 2 words all year on the spelling test. And shit, these are words I can’t spell lol.

All this to say he’s a neat little guy who deals with too much shit already but yet still gives his all. I’ll get into his condition here in a bit. His asessment/summary came yesterday and I need to read over it.

Wow, what a beautiful little girl she is. Always has been. This little one is my sunshine. Everything is possible and shitting rainbows around this one. Heart of pure gold. I haven’t known anyone as kind as she is. How she’s mine, I’ll never know. She’ll do some of the dishes behind my back so the boys don’t have as much to do. I know she does this, but I won’t call her for it. I think it’s sweet but I damn sure hope the boys realize it.

She’s almost 12. Again, wow. Going to be a teenager soon and I’m still not worried. I don’t think she’s the kind to give us too much grief. Hope not anyway.

She’s also getting straight A’s so far. She is on the path to college and has $13 saved for it. She knows that she will have to get scholarships when she’s older because we won’t have as many kids and be as poor. Fingers crossed please. Told her she was too young to worry about it in middle school, but she said it will be practice for high school. And she’s right. I just heart her.

Whew, I remember those days – on the left there. This little guy was hell on wheels. He was every bit of his multiple diagnosis. He had so much trouble it was very scary to think of him growing up and moving out on his own.

But now….. gawd. This kid has evolved so much. He has taught himself the behaviors that he sees everyone else using. That’s brilliant for a spectrum kiddo. That’s what he has to do to survive. He’s still not 100% there, but wow is he trying. Just like SHeldon, he’ll constantly ask – is that sarcasm? is your face angry? was that a joke? are you serious? Just too hard to instinctively know this shit. He wasn’t born with those instincts. Those nuances of unwritten rules and morality codes and all that jazz – he has to learn them all as if he were an alien from another planet having to learn our ways and customs and languages and on and on. He knew nothing. Like God forgot to pack the bananas in his lunch before he sent him to Earth – so he’s been buying his own.

He’s very smart in certain areas, and then he struggles with others. Subjective shit throws him off every time – so social studies is out. So is science – but only at this age level. Up to now, science has been a very hard class for him because the information they must learn is presented in a social studies like format. I told him once high school hits and he gets to take biology and chemistry and etc  - it’ll be a whole new ball game. It’ll morph into something more similar to math – and he ‘gets’ math. I worry for him, but he’s made me proud and astonished a great deal so far. Let’s hope he continues.

This guy. This guy is one of a kind. Would ask Santa for presents for his brothers when he was little. Helps look after the little ones now. Takes them to DQ and the park. He takes them to school every day. He takes care of himself for the most part. He is a slob. A total slob. But considering his older brothers, I guess that’s normal.

He’s been dating the same girl for about 8-9 months now. Watching him in a relationship just makes me all the more proud of him. He watches over her. He treats her like a princess. He brushes her hair and rubs her feet, for Gawd’s sake. He’s the kind of man we’re all looking for. Smart funny and kind.

He wants to be a medical examiner. Yuck. But hey, whatever floats his boat. I think he’d be a great nurse, but what do I know?

My artist. He’s in his 3rd year at MWSU, and he’s doing fantastic. He’s probably going to have to move to find decent work, but as long as he visits, I guess he has to do what he has to do. The rest of them better not scatter like roaches or I’ll be pissed.

Anyway, MB2 is very unique. He loves Magic, comics, animation…… I know he wants to be an illustrator, i just hope he finds work doing what he loves.

He dates every now and again. He currently is dating a young lady that seems very nice. I hope it works out, he gets bummed when they don’t. Then again, if it ain’t meant to be…..

He was picked to be an RA next year, which means he’ll be living in the dorms again – free this time. He’s excited. They put him in charge of the honors art dorms, and he’s thrilled to death. I hope he continues to knock it out of the park. It’s nice to not have to worry about someone.

My oldest. Heir to all I don’t have. Poor guy. He’s still working at the plant, still making decent money, still dating J, still living with the guys – only they moved to a different apartment. He’s doing well. Not sure if he’s paying his bills, but he still has his car, so I guess so. He claims to be going back to school in the fall, but he’s said that before. I hope he does. Or I hope he busts his ass enough to get promoted to the white shirt side of the house instead of the blue collar meat makers.

He’s 22 now. Wow. I have a 22 year old. He could get married at any time and start popping out babies. Wonderful. Let’s hope he waits awhile. He doesn’t visit as much as I’d like, and he rarely calls. Good thing he lives in town or else we’d never talk to him. I miss having him around. This is going to really suck to have my kids move out and away on me. Really suck.

My husband. That’s Bana he’s holding about 11 years ago. Aren’t they precious? She sure loved/loves her daddy. And that’s him on the right. Thin, tan, handsome. Why he’s with the Great White Woman is beyond me. But he is. And I love him fiercely. More than I ever did when we first married. More than I did when we remarried. Unless he leaves me, then I kill him.

He’s doing well at the cable place. Checks are decent with summer approaching.  Thought winter was going to kill us. At least we know it gets tight during the colder months. Good to know.

He wants to move back to FL so badly, but the kids are planting roots here the longer we stay, and I am not leaving my babies. Maybe someday when my hair is blue and his is white we can play snowbirds each year. Until then, we visit.

Well, that’s me when this bitch started. Ian asked why I had an Afro. Sweet kid. And that’s me this morning. I even smiled for you! My hair is crazed, but I really don’t give shit right now. I will later and take it down, but for now – it’s up.

Today is a better day. I am feeling really lucky to have what I have.  Blessed to have what I have. Blessed to be who I am. Blessed to have people in my life that love me. Blessed to have all of you that are very dear to me. Blessed to have my mind and body relatively healthy. Blessed to have a roof and food and all that jazz. I’d be really blessed with a tummy tuck, but I can wait.

You know how I’m doing. I tell you every day whether you like it or not. Today I am happy. I am over the moon. Tomorrow is another day, another story – so for now, I enjoy today.

Enjoy your weekend.

Still up. Not tired. Not snacking either, although I’m getting hungry. I didn’t eat dinner because it was gross, and now I’m finally hungry. Is an apple bad? mom said it has a lot of carbs, but I don’t give a shit. It’s got to be better than a cookie?

…………

I ate an orange. For the first time in my life, I ate fruit as a snack. Damn.I mean, I eat it, but when I ‘m snacky I get something totally bad for you. Not this time. Go me.

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Great – Sarah McLachlin. Angel. Ugh. I won’t turn it off, maybe i can harden myself to it.

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I fucked up today and was talking on the phone about Ian. Bana heard. NOw , she already  knows everything her 11 yearold brain can comprehend, but I was talking about the medicine not helping boys already full time in a chair and she was so upset. Kept asking why they aren’t going faster and don’t they know what will happen if they don’t.

I just hugged her. I know baby girl. I know.

Been sitting here for 3 hours and haven’t had a snack yet. Go me.

Now since I have nothing real to talk about, I’m going to go finish those letters.

Better shut off the songs that make me want to hang myself BEFORE I start writing JIC I die letters. No sure what the fuck I’d say.

Still not in a very good mood. I am half tempted to call mom and see if she wants to go somewhere. Anywhere. But then I realize what I’m saying and think about the mood I”m in and think it would be probably best not to kill her today. Might ruin the weekend.

That damn cough assist machine was over $5k. I’m so glad for this insurance. I don’t know what we would do without it. Seriously. It’s honestly killing us to buy the different types of food for him to try to help bulk up. I am running to the store every few days to get more of what he will eat and buy more of what he might eat. I’m trying so hard to fatten him up. He’s 48 lbs as of today. He was 45 at the doc. Only took a month to gain 3 lbs. And that could disappear by morning. Sigh.

He’s talking to me right now about weapons. Like I know anything he’s talking about. He’s asking what type of scope I had in the military. LOLOLOL – like I was some sniper or some shit. I wish dad was still alive. This kid would have thrilled him to death. With the classic rock fascination and the war fascination and the weapon fascination – they would have been two peas in a pod. He’s even got the same warped sense of humor.

My daughter made cookies and they are divine. I love that she can do shit on her own without me needing to hold her hand.

Might be time for another family update. Like you care, but later on – the kids might like to hear about where they are in life at this point in time.

Maybe later…

Better take my night pills while I’m thinking about it….

K

I have only missed one night in almost two weeks. So why do I still feel like shit.

I know. Because I read too much and instead of focusing on the fact that they are finally working on a drug that will help him – it’s like HURRYHURRYHURRY.. and they aren’t listening. I know they are, but it’s frightening to read about the boys being too far advanced to help. That scares the shit outta me.

ENOUGH

Goop really takes out carpet stains. Did you know that? Why didn’t you tell me?

I am using Chrome. I didn’t like it at first, but I’m getting used to it. I don’t know why I am telling you this.

I’m two seconds from talking about the weather.

I’m out.

That’s it. That’s my new best friend. Mr Cough Assist. The CoughALator. Whatever. It’s huge and heavy and I don’t know where to put it. Perhaps up someone’s ass.

Well, at least my mood is perking up.

This is awesome. IT explains what I’m talking about when I say exons and skipping and shit like that.

————

Still not feeling better. Blah and all that.

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I wish these people would hurry up and get here. I don’t feel like I can do anything. MD is on call and already got called in – on his day off. Told him he was working tomorrow too. Tomorrow is prom for MB3 and we’re supposed to drive him and 11 of his friends to KC for dinner. They’re cheap and didn’t want to spend the 1200 on a limo. I don’t blame them. Instead, they are using the Beast. Whatever.

Here is some info about some of the drugs they are working with for DMD. Some of you expressed interest, so here it is.  I am more hopeful every day. I know it won’t save his life, but it might extend it for a long long while. I’ll take it. I almost selfishly said that maybe I’ll go before him that way, but I wouldn’t want to leave him either. No easy way.

(You can read it all, but I was most thrilled with the list you see when you scroll down a bit)

{{Damn, I read it again, went off on a link to the company website and saw that they keep talking about stability. I just now got it. The boys. They’re stable. They’re not declining anymore. All their function tests are coming back the same time after time. A year and a half now. That’s a long time not to regress for a duchenne kiddo. Wow. Gawd I hope they hurry with #53. }}

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I also read last night more info that clearly states that there are boys that are too far gone for this. I want to know what that cut off is. I need Ian to hang on to walking for another year or two. I still think maybe it won’t help these kids walk, but maybe ease up the pressure on their heart and lungs? Or I guess those would be just as bad off as the rest of them. And once it turns to fibroid tissue  it can’t be reversed. So fucking sad. All those little guys who just have no hope at all. Damn.

———–

I’m sick of having good days followed by bad days followed by worse days and then great days. I want to be level all the time. I’m not sure I’m capable of doing anything today. That’s how yuck I am. I need to do something to perk me up.

But what…