Nervous as all get out, but not as bad as I thought. I’m more relieved. It’s crazy, but I’m actually calmer now. It’s like this weight is lifted. My mind immediately said – in 4 years, we will no longer struggle financially. Four years is NOT a long time. Then I got excited over the idea of having what we need and being able to help the kids if they needed it. In four years. THen maybe MD can go while I work. He liked that idea.

So do I.

————

BTW – yes, I’m going to try Nursing School. Pray that I get over my weak stomach. Pray my memory comes back full force. Pray that I don’t piss myself in PE, throw up in speech, and drown in swim class. Going to need the klonopin definitely.

YOu’ll never guess…….

(more…)

I just realized that ……..sonofabitch. I csn’t remember.

Carry on.

Helluva storm ripped through here yesterday. My thoughts are with OK. Since MD is a cable guy, they’re busier than that one legged man. He said “late, I’ll be late, very late”.

Great. THen again, I’m kinda liking these paychecks.

——-

Anything on tv tonight? If he’s going to be gone, maybe I’ll watch the boob tube.

Nah. I hate that bitch.

SPent the day with J. She’s doing so much better. Still has a feeding tube, and she is back to using an insulin pump, but she’s still here – that’s the important thing.

Haven’t heard from P at all. Starting to move into that I could care less zone. Missed my birthday for the 2nd year in a row. Well,…… fuck her. I deserve better. And not just because she forgot the birthday – because of everything else. The shit I sent for Christmas – no response. The phone calls that have gone unanswered. THe texts that have been ignored. The card that was not acknowledged. THe birthdays and holidays that came and went without so much as a whisper from her. Again, fuck her. And yes, I am that cold hearted. WHen I want to be. SHe hasn’t spoken to me since August. Well, I got that text in December telling me how sorry she was she missed CHristmas. Yeah right.

Anyway…… I would love to take a bath, but it’s a little early. I’d love to go to sleep, but it’s a little early. I’d like MD to get home, but it’s a little early.

I better get up and get moving.

The graduation was nice. Threatened to storm the entire time so no one put on sunscreen. Mistake. Crispy critters today.

I’m glad my kids go to a relatively small school. 161 students seemed like an awful lot to sit through. But the area high schools usually graduate 800-1200 kiddos. Not sure I could sit through that.

Just can’t believe I’m halfway done graduating kiddos. You know, had I not lost my mind all those years ago, we’d be done. Wouldn’t have the last 3.

And life would suck.

MB3′s main core group (minus A who we couldn’t find for the photo). Great group of kids who do not drink. Do not smoke. Do not use drugs. However, don’t piss them off or they will tag your car and vaseline your door handles. I love these kids. 

I’m not pissed in this picture – the glare was awful. 

This is MB3 and A – my other son. The one who started hanging around the year I started this blog. I’ve watched him grow into a fine young man as well. Very proud of them both. And isn’t that a lovely picture of MB1 and MB2  in the background? lol

MD texted about 4 hours ago and said he’d worked out 40% of any tournament he organizes. He said they were working out the rest of the details like percentage of bar business, booking the hall with events, getting sponsors, etc.  The fact that he’s still not home yet is encouraging.

I wish they would just pay him what he’d be worth on a salary basis and let him get to work. I doubt that’s going to happen, but this will be a nice boost to the budget anyway.

MD is talking to those guys again. Not going to ask for shit. If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen. If we’re meant to move on and continue our lives the way they are, then so be it.

Udder cream smells divine. That moo moo shit or whatever. Smells like something from my childhood but I can’t remember what.

My ipod is dying. This makes me so sad. Is there a way to change the battery?  I bet not huh? It used to last forever because I try to use it sparingly when I am not at home, but now it’s dying after a short while and it really makes me frown. Such strong emotion over an object. But music is my everything. It dictates my day. WIthout it ….. argh. I still have it at home through itunes, but I am rarely here. Just..  shit.

MB3 graduates Sunday – have I mentioned that? Isn’t that wild?

When I started this blog, he was in the 2nd grade.

Isn’t he adorable? Such a sweetie.

Now, hell, he’s damn near a man. Shit, he IS a man. He’s more mature than most people I know. He changes diapers, he rubs feet, he brushes hair, he takes the kids for ice cream, he works his ass off when he has a job, he’s just a dependable, good-natured, honest to goodness good kid. And I am oh so proud to be his mom. I will probably bawl this Sunday even though this is my third kiddo to graduate – probably because this IS my third kiddo to graduate. They’re all leaving and while I’m excited for their futures, I’m already having empty nest drama and I still have 3 at home. WTF will I do when they go off to college? Damn. I just ruined my makeup and i have to leave to get the kids.

If I don’t make it back here this weekend – have a good one.

MD should be home any time now. THen it’s bye bye on call and hello weekend.

At least for a couple weeks. Not sure when he has it again, but it’s been 3 times in the past 6 weeks, and that’s crazy. It lasts a whole week and his days off go bye bye every damn time.

I have an appt with Janice tomorrow. Med doc. I am hoping she’s going to say – you know, there’s nothing to do here but maintain – so don’t come back for 6 months. Unfortunately, she’s still working out my nightmare issue and the anxiety issue and I don’t know what’s what on that front.

I have adhd tonight. I can’t sit still. I can’t sit here.

Chow.

Air in the house is fixed. Thank gawd.

MD and I are back to better than normal. We really cleared the air last night. He deleted all his games off of his phone. I didn’t ask him to. I didn’t want him to so he didn’t resent me or some shit. But he did and then called to tell me about it. He said he realizes that he is a cell phone gamer and he needs to stop. I feel 50 pounds lighter just hearing that. He really spent all fucking day on that thing. Can’t talk to someone who never looks at you and simply says,,, uh huh and shit the whole time.

Now if he’d just chuck the tv out the window. All SIX of them.

Fight didn’t start until midnight, so it wasn’t like an all day/night thing. Mainly fought about the usual shit. I need more affection and time and something to do, he needs to watch less tv, play less on his phone, and include us more in his volleyball shit so we aren’t just sitting around revolving around vball. Same ole shit.

I think we have a plan though. No tv for a month. (!! – I won I won!!) Only games on his phone when I ‘m not around or home or if I want to play a game too. Mirror each other instead of just fucking up the translation and arguing about the fuckup instead of the real issues and making sure we know what the issues really are. Stop going to bed angry – not sure how we got away from this VERY important rule. Probably because no one likes staying up till 3am and we won’t fight around the kids. Well, not often. We try not to. We’re going to do more as a family like we used to. Make a list of shit to do when we see it, so we have a plan when the time and money are there.

I said a lot of things I’ve wanted to say for along time, but was afraid it’d start a fight. I explained why I am so insecure about his vball female friends. I explained that sex wasn’t just sex, it’s my only MDALLTOMYSELF time. I explained a lot of reasons why I am the way I am and the why I behave like I do. I think he gets it now.

And he explained to me the pressure he’s under and what he needs to function. I got it before, but I saw last night just how important it is to him to have that release. And he once again explained how he has no need for a girlfriend, no time for a girlfriend, no energy for a girlfriend, and no desire for a girlfriend. For once, I kinda sorta believed him. I’m trying anyway.

———

Then we made up – you ain’t getting those deets.

———-

Anyway, took MN1 and MN1′s girlfriend to the airport. She seems really nice.

———-

Tonight starts MD”s weekend – my favorite part of the week. He’s mine for 2 days. Well, there is a tournament Saturday, so I guess I get him for 1.5 days.

Trying not to get pissy. I’ll take the kids and go watch. Right? Right.

Fight till 3am.

Makeup till 4am.

Sleep for 2 hours then start your day.

Glorious.

My head is about to implode.

I’ve lost three inches AND I’m on my period. Doesn’t that mean that I have lost a little more? Shouldn’t I be big and bloated right now? Sorry guys. Had to ask.

—–

Hot as a muther outside at 88 degrees. Probably because my air isn’t working. Not in the house, not in ANY OF THE THREE CARS, nada. Feel like a primitive ape sweating my ass off. There is sweat in crevices I am most definitely sure that are not supposed to be damp. Damn, that was semi-foul as well. Oh well.

Damn i feel good today. Good thing about being bipolar – when you are in a good mood, you’re in a REALLY good mood. Too bad when you’re foul, you’re really foul.

MD”s check was just enough to cover the main bills. Thank God. Really, Thank God. I’m trying to Let Go and all that jazz. Give me time. Still bitter.

Pork chops in the crock pot with that 3 packet seasoning shit and it smells divine in here. Think it’s ranch, italian, and gravy – all dry mixes. Yummy on everything I’ve tried so far, which isn’t much- chicken, roast, and now chops. Delish.

Had my psychotherapy appt. She’s the greatest. She remembers everything and that just amazes me. She also keeps asking why I have anything to do with mom. Said to minimize that shit and I’d better off. Told her I can handle it now. She said – YOU can, but the child inside of you that was verbally and emotionally abused all those years cannot. And that this child needs to come to some realizations BEFORE I can sit with mom and not still feel like choking her. Realizations like I am worthy of a loving relationship. I am a better mother because she was such a shitty one. I am capable of trusting men – and this one is hard because of the brainwashing we got  as children that said all men are bad and sick and evil and even the nicest man will molest and kill if you aren’t careful. Seriously. This is damaging. Only man I ever trusted was Dad. Now I ALMOST trust MD, but again, it’s hard. HE’s done some shit that was hard to forget/forgive. So have I, but that’s not the issue – and I’m fixing MY issues anyway. I am learning that I don’t have to hate everyone and that dad’s side of the family is not the enemy. I am learning to do my own thing instead of always trying to please and appease mother. I am learning how to enjoy my children and listen to them because they are neat little humans.

In other words, she wants me to lay low because she doesn’t think I can work on the above and still see mom on a consistent basis. I think I can. I will say though, the anger feels fresher than it did. Like I”m more angry at her each time for doing that same shit she’s always done – rude to people, short with kids, etc. Each time I want to pop her more and more. I won’t, but hot dammit I want to. I asked B if that meant I was failing, and she said of course not. That it tells her that I’m making progress on ME – that I am growing more and more irritated with her because I”m learning the right way of thinking instead of her warped shit, and my brain is having a harder and harder time of tolerating her.

——–

OH ———–this is what pissed me off today….. THe whole reason B was concerned I think…..

MS sent me an email to a link that was from the local funeral home. THere is a cemetery attached, and that’s where my dad’s family is. Mom’s family is in the Catholic cemetery. Yes, it’snicer, but that’s not the point.

THe point is, they opened a new area for cremations only. Right now, if you contact them, the internment (sp?) is free , and his name will be included in the dedication. Pretty farking cool , right?

She didn’t bite. Not only didn’t she bite, she simply refused to talk about it. Now she says we’ll spread his ashes on K Hill – this lookout that dad grew up around. His favorite spot. Which is cool – EXCEPT – we suggested this years ago and she said dad wasn’t in his right mind when he said he wanted that, and she thought it was a tacky idea. Then she said, why not in the yard as part of a memorial- and i said, you said what if you move? So she then proceeds to explain that she’s decided she’ll just dig him up if it ever comes to that. I almost barfed. Like he’s a bone or something. So she went back the K Hill idea and even set a date. In September on his birthday. She said then I can throw flowers off of there on Memorial Day. Whatever.

I told her to do something because it was disgusting to keep him in the CARDBOARD box he came in after the cremation.  Sitting on her nightstand collecting dust. He deserves to be put to rest. It’s been 6 years. Can you believe it’s been that long? I know.

Anyway, I’m not going to talk to her about it anymore because of that popping her in the face thing, so MS is going to work on her. I hope she’s successful.

I might not have been working out, but I’ve still managed to lose 3 inches off my waist  - just by doing the situps every day? Is that possible?

I don’t care if the fat fairy came and sucked it out, I’m happy as hell.

I haven’t cried in days. Well, I HADN’T cried in days. Really, can’t remember the time, sometime last week. But today? Holy shit.  Iguess I”m making up for it. BUT – I really wish I would do it in private. It’s annoying when the tears let loose in public.

Like this morning when the kids were in the gym waiting for the buses. The day started for the rest of the school, and this bell rang and the kids all stood up, turned to the flag and covered their little hearts – and then they all started in…. I pledge allegiance to the flag….. I couldn’t believe my ears. I thought they stopped that! I was in tears by the time they got to Under God – I can’t believe they still said that too! — and then I couldn’t stop them the tears from running down my face, so I had to run to the bathroom real quick. I don’t know. It just struck me as awesome.

Then I was watching the kids eat lunch today and I saw Ian share his cookies with some little gal – a little special gal. Not too too special, just slightly so. Just enough that I knew she had to have some major issues – and then I saw her name tag. “E” – my gawd. His ‘old woman’. His EX old woman. He ‘went out’ with her. This was the same little one that he slugged because she threw the ball in his face. The teacher caught me smiling, and said – yeah, gotta watch those two. It’s either romance or war. I guess they held hands through kindergarten, ‘dated’ through 1st grade, fought through 2nd grade, and are good friends now in 3rd. She takes all the special classes he does as well. Except for OT. Not sure why. But then I realized that he was able to see past her differences and like her anyway, which is great –and expected — for an adult, but not so easy for a child. So, I cried again. Fought the tears though so I didn’t have to leave.

Then I cried when I got lost. All three times.

Then I cried when I realized that I have an appt with B tomorrow and I can ask her wtf am I crying for.

Exhausting day though. Crying is hard work.

———

dot made her arrival. Thank gawd.

———-

I create this post about whythefuck am i crying, then I end it with dot. Well no WONDER I”m effing crying.

I am not complaining – but – it’s hot as hell out there. I’m not ready for shorts yet, so Im gonna sweat my ass cracky off until I lose some of this shit.

Field trip to legoland went well. She thought I would have my hands full with Ian (wheelchair, bathroom breaks, steps, etc) so I got no other kids. Yeeefarkinghaw.

Wasn’t that big of place – kids were done in 2 hours. Thank goodness there was a 15 minute 4d movie. THat killed some time. They talked about rides – there were two. And one was broke.

Then I got lost coming home. Going there, I followed the line. COming home, I did it myself. I figured, how hard can it be to find the highway? HAHAHAHAHA ——– funny fucking joke. SO damn funny to pull over  and then turn around 3 — yes THREEE times. I was about in tears the last time. Thank GOD I’m on meds, because my navigation shit was going crazy – reroute……reroute…..reroute. OMG I almost threw my phone out the window. Yes, I had my phone’s navigation and I was still lost. I’m a loser. stfu please.

I want pizza so I don’t have to cook. I want pizza so I can eat it. I want pizza so I can eat some crazy bread. I want pizza so Michelle can shake her head and say whatthefuck are you doing…….

I’m a weak loser michelle. I can’t work out this week because every farking day starts at 8 and I would have to get up at 4 to work out, then get ready and to have me and the kids our of here by 7. And I would be jumping and moving right over MB2′s bed, and that shit is LOUD. Sounds like the damn ceiling is caving in. I’ve still been doing situps every day and squats, but this whole process is going to take awhile for me to find a system that works. Now I WANT to work out and I can’t. Maybe I can do it at night?

That was weird. It looks like a piece from another post was at the bottom of my last post. Or else I had a stroke while I was writing it. Made about that much sense.

Getting ready for the field trip. Argh. Please let my kids be decent. Please let my kids be decent. Please.

Damn. More hot sweats. THis is ridiculous. And now I’m really really late. No matter what length of cycle you go by. Anywhere from 7-13 days I guess. I know I’m not pregnant, so maybe it’s the startings of menopause? Wouldn’t that be sweet? Probably too young for that. But damn, dare to dream.

Don’t feel like doing much of anything. MD is at work, and the kids are all in bed. THe ones that are here anyway. Not sure where MB2 is and MB3 has a game. If that boy isn’t playing, he’s coaching. That’s his 4th team in two years. Well, he’s coaching two right now. I’m proud of him for doing shit like this. He doesn’t get paid. He gets nothing whatsoever except to watch them play.

I took a promethazine for the nausea and I’m sleepy as all hell. And I forgot to pick up my axert. I’m stooopid.

I’m hungry. But what do I eat? 14 cheezits, that’s what. Think that’s 150 or something. I can live with that.

Michelle, must I watch carbs if I’m watching calories? I mean, I don’t gorge on bread, but if I have a regular hamburger I want it on a bun. KWIM? Mom says no way jose. I say – that’s why I”m not doing that shit.  Just curious.

Field trip tomorrow. Guess who volunteered to go? Yep. And guess who is getting assigned children – other than my own? Gawd. I had no idea it’d urn into this shit.

If you have migraines and you haven’t tried Axert, you are doing yourself an INCREDIBLE injustice. My gawd does it work. 20 minutes. I’ve only had to use a second pill 3 times in well over a year. And I have enough migraines to go through an 12 pack in about a month and a half. It’s expensive, but so is getting a shot in the ass.

ANywho -

Waiting for MB1 to pick me up. He has to go get his car registered and he wants me to go with him. Okey dokey.

Then I have 2 dishes to get busy on for tonight’s girl scout awards ceremony.

YAY YAY YAY

I’m so excited. Ok, not so much. I know she loves it, and I would never crush her, but damn. I am not cut out to be some sort of ‘mom’ – you know the one who bakes and goes camping and makes macaroni plates and shit. I like being the one who RECEIVES the plate. OH well, I’m going.

Now what to make…..

Soldiers sent a link to another story on Ian.

AND they said the wikipedia has been updated for Ft RIley to include a picture and blurb down towards the bottom.

It’s humbling what they do for my son.

MB3′s girlfriend’s mother is bipolar. Like crazier than shithouse rat bipolar. She is verbally and mentally abusive. He’s not sure if it gets physical or not. Gawd I hope not. Anyway, she keeps kicking her out for stupid shit. This poor thing is 20 years old, and has been going to the fucking food pantry for YEARS getting food for her and her mom so they don’t starve  - because there is no money. L is in school with MB3  and I think he said she works part time now. But what child should have to worry about getting their allowed quota of food? Makes me sick.

If she kicks truly kicks her out, do I let her sleep in the streets? My gawd. What these kids of mine put my mind through. I just remember what it was like with my mom. That’s why I’m so screwed up now. She’s already 20 , but she shouldn’t have to worry about where she’s going to sleep at night or what she’s going to eat.

ARgh. …..

THey don’t go to the movies. THey don’t go out to eat. THey don’t do anything except she makes him dinner and then they watch tv at our house. Neither have any money. All his money goes for gas and art supplies. Hers goes for gas and food and school supplies.

sigh. just damn. I know I can’t help every body, but aren’t we supposed to help when something isn’t right?

MD could change his life today. Pray for him to have the guts to effectively get his point across and for them to be receptive.

He was asked for some ideas on how to promote the volleyball establishment he plays at. The one he’s reff’ed at and done security for 9 years now.  The owners are two brothers who seem genuinely interested in expanding their slowly dying empire – volleyball, bowling center (massive), and two bars, one hall, one pool hall, and then darts and little shit. There are 3 smaller bars as well – none of which are being used because they aren’t needed these days.

MD has a lot of good, good ideas to help them keep from closing their doors in a few years. He’s afraid of no more volleyball. lol

They had asked how he wanted this to work and he was to think about it. Whether he wants a percentage, or a bonus type thing, or whatever. He’s going to explain how he could accomplish more if he was a full time employee. Weekends, nights and Fridays aren’t much time to get much done.

If they agree and pay him what he’d be worth, well, we won’t get ahead of ourselves.

ANY thoughts or prayers would be great. There have been a lot of opportunities that would have been great for him, but this takes the cake. Mixing sales and sports? Geebus.

ANyhow – my nerves are shot just thinking about it this morning.

I feel better now. I bought a hair dye. That’s all it takes, to make me happy. $4 buttersilk kit. That is all.

Mom is on the phone. While talking to me, she’s busy typing to her friends online.  Rude. So I’m gonna type to you. Mother’s Day and she’s making me furious. She’s joining a dating service. Few thousand dollars and 12 guaranteed dates. Whatever. It’s her money.

Busy week ahead. Field trips, field days, park days, graduation……. B appt, J appt. Going to be a busy bee.

I hope MD’s check is huge. We’re sure going to need it to pay for a grad party and still have money to loan him for the trip.

Going to MS’ tonight for Mother’s day. MN1 is in town with his sweetie. MD had to work so he’s coming after.

I got up this morning and fixed everyone brunch. And then I cleaned up. Happy mother’s day. lol

Waiting for the boy’s girlfriend to leave so we can get comfy. Comfy.

In a delightful mood tonight. Today. I need every day to be Saturday. Every day.

I want to go fishing but it’s too cold tonight. Near freezing. In May. Riding up on June’s ass. Unbelievable.

I hope this girl hurries up.

Boys are camping. Freezing their nuts off I imagine. Serves em right. Masters of the Plan….more like Let’s Wing It. No sleeping bags. No gear. No fishing poles.? Whatthefuckever.

—————-

Alrighty – that was last night. Think i was punchy.

Boys are still out camping. I bet they are FREEZING. It’s like 35 in the house because we didn’t turn the heat on. Ok, it’s 63 but it’s feeling like 35. I finally stopped shivering when i threw on my sweatshirt. I doubt those boys are going to find any relief out there no matter how many sweaters they throw on.

——-

And Happy Mother’s Day to all the mamas out there. I hope today is your day.

Boys have a friend in town – he’s an online friend that they’ve played xbox with for 6 years. They are all on cloud 9 to finally meet him in person. What’s more, is there is a steady stream of boys in and out of here of their other friends who want to finally meet him too. Nice kid. Not at all the ax murderer I was expecting.

The only people in the world that not only understand that joke, but understand that it IS a joke are you folks out there. Cause not a fucking ONE of the IRL friends I have thought that shit was funny.

The looks of horror just made me laugh harder.

I wrote the main one an email Laura. Thank you! I will send it out to more if I hear nothing by end of day today.

I was talking to MD and he was snoring. Yeah, it happens. So far three times this morning alone. Very frustrating. I want to smash something into his head. Maybe not kill him, but sure as shitting teach his ass a lesson.

Whoa . Perhaps I should pause for station identification and take my meds.

Alrighty then. . .

Oh hell. I just want to smashsmashsmash. I’m sick of being poor. I’m sick of looking through jobs and not knowing if i can do them. I’m sick of not knowing what I’m capable of but fearing it won’t be enough if i try. I’m sick of being afraid.

Would it be ballsy of me to ask hotels to put the soldiers up the night before the turney so that they don’t have to drive 3 hours the morning of the turney or maybe so they don’t have to drive back 3 hours that night at 7-8-9 oclock. I don’t know. Do I have the guts to call and ask? Doubtful.

Was a great time at ft riley. I love those guys. They treat my boy – and us – like family. Royal family. We stayed in Bacon Hall again. We explored the post since it’s open now and welcome to visitors. We all took nice long hot baths and went to bed early. Ceremony followed the next day. Ian did the Pass and Review section of the parade. So damn cute. I have to find the pictures, hold on…..

Hopefully this is the link to the story.  The power was out on base for 4 hours so we couldn’t get his hair cut and they zoomed in on his name pn the back of his neck and his ducktail shines brightly. Sigh. Was fun though. Then we met with the new commander and the old commander’s family and then the new commander again and his family. He promised to keep Ian a member of the unit. We are invited back in June for the V Games and then in July for the COL’s departure, and then Mac is  coming to the tourney in Aug with 11 other soldiers. Or more, whatever. He was just thinking he could fill the van up with soldiers and drive over to play vball all day. 12 hot sweaty soldiers – this could be a problem.

Said no one ever.

Leaving here in a little while to head to Ft Riley. Kids are excited. Only taking the two little ones if I hadn’t mentioned that before. MB3 has finals and MB4 has MAP testing. Pretty sure I’ve mentioned that already, but tough shit. I can be old and senile if I wanna.

Day got a little better. We leave tomorrow afternoon for Ft Riley. Ian is going to participate in the ceremony they’re having for Col Shull. Should be cute.

My biggest fear was checking the bank this morning. After paying the bills I have to pay, they sure ain’t a whole lot leftover for fuel and such. This trip is going to eat us alive with fuel but what choice do we have? Once in a lifetime chances.

Damn I’ve just made myself sad again. Once the kids are out of school, I am going to start either looking for a job or looking for a cleaning gig. I’ve had it with being poor. Please let me find a place as wonderful as the place I left. Please let me find a place that understands about appts and sick kids and migraines. Please let me find a place that allows for my shitty memory and lack of reasoning skills. When I say that I’d be good at a gas station – i might be giving myself too much credit. That shit is hard at times. But I have to try something.

Egads – Bana’s contacts are going to cost $280. That’s for 6 months but still. cripes! I was used to paying like $80 for MB2′s. Thank gawd MB4 couldn’t wear them. I’d be sucking wind right about now paying for both. Actually I haven’t bought them yet. THe girl ordered another trial set so Bana should be set for about 2 months. She said we could stretch them by taking them out when she gets home and not wearing them on the weekends. As soon as I figure out what’s on the flex card, I’ll get her contacts. Sigh.

I have to go fill in the med container. It’s completely empty. Nice I have been taking my pills. Boo I have been taking my pills and they aren’t working.

Oh yeah. My birthday. Went out with MD MS and MBIL and had a few drinks. Then we came home. The End. Maybe next year we’ll actually plan something because there just ain’t shit to do in this town.

Having a really bad day. Trying to pick myself up but it’s hard. I just want to sleep. I did manage to clean up the kitchen but that is about all I’ve done.

Met MB2′s girlfriend last night. Very cute girl. And very sweet. I approve. She had adorable little dimples. Can’t be a psycho with dimples, can you?

I don’t have any appts this week. Miracle. None. Nada. Going to feel weird doing nothing. I better have a clean house. And tight abs. HAHAHAHLOLOLOLOL whatever. i did some situps this morning watching a tv show a friend wanted me to watch. Did some situps. Like i actually did some regular situps. What I meant to say was that I did some crunches – BUT i was able to sit up all the way with a bit of jerking the body but I couldn’t do that 3 weeks ago. My gut is still as big, don’t get me wrong, but the crunches are easier.

Seriously I have one month. One month to get skinny. Yeah right. We all know I will fail. It’s really fucked up because when I quit smoking, they didn’t say – look you still have to smoke a little each day to live, but NOT TOO MUCH. It would have been impossible to quit. Yet I have to eat a little every day and some people say 4-6 times a day and others say 3 a day and others say this and others say that. Bottom line, you still have to eat.Not cool.

MB2 is back from the doc but he hasnt said what went on. I haven’t asked and he hasn’t offered it up. Whatever.

More situps. Have to do something. Wish MB2 would go to work so I can do turbofire.

MB2 got a phone call on my phone just a minute ago. DOc office confirming his appt for monday. ??? I ask him – he says – yeah, I’ve been coughing up blood. !!! I ask several questions and find out that he’s spitting out some yucky stuff when he coughs in the morning, and it looks blood tinged. Vastly different than coughing up blood. He wants the doc to take a look. Whatever. I’m done. He told me he had an aura the other day and what did I recommend to ward off the monster headache he was about to receive. I told him to take an advil. Again, whatever. Stick a fork in me.

Still not home. Think he has another hour. ANd some change.

It’s ok, I’m fixing me a pizza. Why? BEcause I’m so not doing well on the diet that who gives a shit. I haven’t weighed myself in 5 days as punishment. Not until Monday. Gawd please don’t let it be more than 5lbs heavier than i was.

———

Mom wants to do something for my birthday, but I am having MB2′s girlfriend over for dinner SUnday, so it will have to be Saturday for everything. Including MD and MS and maybe MS’ husband. Mom ain’t into that. Said to let her know what i was doing – in other words, am i going out with her or Md. The woman is impossible. And will be lonely Saturday when I pick MD as my date.

She’s just irritating.

Give me the saddest song you know, and just start plugging in my info….. oh woe is me….md is gone again………he’s never around when i need him……. he never around at all……and he wonders why everyone acts like dino the dinosaur around him when he is home.

My fucking birthday is tomorrow. How did this happen? I guess I don’t really mind so much. I just wish we had the choice of going up or down… 40 sounds so much better than 42.

42!! I was 30 when I started this bitch! 30/31 – I remember turning 31. OMG I remember turning 31, and it’s thanks to this blog. I remember saying something about the aches and pains starting when you hit 31. Geeezus. Would it have stuck in my mind otherwise? I doubt it.

Thank you blog. Thank you for always…..and i mean ALWAYS being here for me when i needed to let it all out.  Thanks for helping me to talk myself through it many many many times over. Thanks for documenting my life, my kids’ lives, my friends’ lives, …..thanks for documenting the news and the highlights of the times. Thanks for not letting me forget the pain throughout the years. One needs to be reminded of the possibilities in life, and pain is definitely a possibility. One that perhaps can be avoided simply by remembering what it took to get there in the first place.

Thanks for connecting me to my Internet friends. My friends do live inside this box, and I love them all dearly. Not really sure what I would do if I didn’t have them.

And thanks to Nancy for setting up my first blog. Many, many thanks.

—–

Damn. Tangent.

——-

MD has to work 4 hours today. Only 3 more left. Dino excited.

Technically, MD is off in 45 minutes. I don’t expect him home then, because that’s just not the way things work. I don’t mind the OT, but tonight is the last night of the week, and I just want him home to start our weekend.

I am so flippin bored. What to do . WHat to do.

rocky racoon…….had come equipped with a gun……..

Tomorrow i need to pay bills. Thrill.

everyone knew her as nancy….

Damn, maybe i should just go to bed.

Finally a moment to myself…. and Ian hollers. brb

——–

Never fails. I started this post 35 minutes ago. This sentence I should say.

Let’s try again…..

We were invited back to Ft Riley next week to say good bye to the Colonel that made the original trip happen. He’s leaving and the guys thought it would be neat if Ian could come up and be a part of the ceremony. Can’t really afford it, but how do you say no? We’ll manage.

And I need a dress. Or a skirt. SOmething to wear to this ceremony. Needs to be nice but not too ‘heavy’. Not sure if it’s inside or outside.  Not sure what the weather is going to do. Sigh. Again, I’ll manage.

Haven’t done turbofire all week and I feel like shit. But get MD out of the house and I”ll get back to it. Next week. Next week for sure.

Just enjoying the mornings with MD. WHIch makes my afternoons and evenings a bitch, but oh well.

I’m here. Just in a thinking mood. Not a bad mood just a thinking mood.

MD is home until noon every day then I try to cram as much cleaning and errands as I can until I pick up the kids at 2/3pm.

Just no time, never enough time.

Spent today pretty happy because I know what the evening has in store.

I will fucking kill if he’s too tired when he gets home. Cause he AIN’T home yet, and it’s entering a dangerous stage where he’s home late and sleepy and I get to stay high and dry for yet another night.

I have devised my plan for this evening. Now I just need him to get home.

MD has been very naughty all day. Well, this morning and at lunch. I was encouraged thinking this means a little definite action for MM, but I want some insurance. I was going to send a pic, but that’s a work phone and I’d just love for my boobs to show up on the internet. I thought about a nightie, but then I have to wear my robe while the kids are awake and it’s hot as hell. Truly. I am NOT bitching, but I really don’t want to wear my heavy ass winter rob right now. What else there though? I have some ideas I won’t post here , but I’m not sure I have the balls to pull them off.

Talked to J most of the morning. WHile I folded 5 loads of clothes. 4 more to go, plus the loads in right now. Argh.

Today is the day I clean the kitchen top to bottom. Yay me.

That’s from my visitor list. The kids like to see where everyone is from, so I check it to see if anything new pops up – and something did!

Continent	:	Africa
Country	:	Botswana  (Facts)
State/Region	:	South-East
City	:	Gaborone

Wow – the kids will be thrilled to death to find out someone in africa stopped by. And Australia. And the UK. And France. what else did i see? Just awesome. Of course, my pals over on this side of the world are just as awesome.

And because you’re all so awesome, I’m going to share a recipe that would be criminal if I didn’t. It’s that good….

——————-

Chuck Roast

Packet of brown gravy mix

Packet of Italian dressing mix

Packet of Ranch dressing mix

water

–

Spray inside of crock pot with non-stick. Place the roast inside. Sprinkle each packet over the top of the roast, and add enough water to be about an inch. Cover and cook for 8 hours.

Holy shit. Your kids will eat this up. THe fucking neighbors came over and commented on wtf is that smell? It’s awesome. It turns into this flavorful crust on the top, and hit’s so so so tender that it melts. I almost chickened out because I hate salad dressing, but i was brave and tried it – and holy shit – it doesn’t taste like dressing, it tastes like this juicy marinade – like that seasoned brisket at sam’s? OMG – that’s what this tastes like. MMMMMmmm

Look at me, giving out recipes. I’m a regular Suzy Homemaker.

I love 3 hours of sleep one night, then 2, then 2, then 3……. lala la lala ……. i need something to make me sleep. This melatonin isn’t working. I need my beauty sleep man.

oh my marital woes. I”m sure the kids will love to read about this shit later. Not.

I am particularly snippy the past few weeks. Only thing I can think of is the lamictal. I love it, but it makes me like hypo-hypo manic. Not full blown, just enough to make it a touch difficult for me. Back to wanting to buy something, anything, the rage, the way I get confused easily, the way i yell at the kids, the way i yell at md, the way I slam shit around when something doesn’t go right.

The sky is turning violet.

—————

Maybe I should talk to her and drop down to 25mg. See if I get any benefit from that small of an amount. That’s the only pill it could be, especially when she said to pay close attention to make sure I could handle it because the warning label indicates mania in bipolar I people, which is why it’s mainly used to treat bipolar II people as they are depressed the majority of the time.

—————-

Anyway —– I got nothing else.

ANyway —–

MD- what is that supposed to mean?

mm-if you’ve noticed , i’m the one for 23 years that’s kept us talking.told him that i am always the one to start the conversation. he either responds, or he ignores. told him that that is exactly what i’m sick of. cause i get called snotty and bitchy and everything else, when really all i was trying to do was communicate with you.

md- that’s bullshit, i start conversations too.

mm- oh yeah? then how come i hear the crickets chirping today? oh because it’ so fucking quiet in here. There is utterly no noise between us. UNTIL I started talking to you about this. I’m just tired of carrying some of the weight alone. THen I don’t feel loved. I don’t feel loved when you don’t hold my hand for a few days. Or sit beside me on the couch. Or come in and fold clothes with me. Or ask me for sex during the day. And what about sex? Why is it that you seem to think 2 is an acceptable number with out consulting me. BEcuase it’s not. If you can’t give affection – give me sex. And vice versa. You can’t blink out on both because that’s a real gamble to take given the way I”m feeling. THen i told him that I will continue to bring this up every so often until we reach some sort of middle ground because it has yet to be resolved. Can’t bitch at me for that, not logical.

md-…….

mm- that’s ok. take your time. we’ll talk about this again tomorrow night.

————

That’s pretty  much it. It ended on a good note and hopefully we can talk rationally tonight about what to do about this. About us. It’s out of my hands at this point. I have certain needs that I need to know if he can fulfill.  If not, we need to see becky immediately to save this marriage because I can’t keep wasting my life with someone who doesn’t love me. And that’s what i feel like when he blows me off or ignores me or doesn’t reach for my hand or whatever – i feel unloved. I am not going to live my life feeling unloved. so he can make this decision and that will be that. Life is tooooooooooooooo short.

————-

Anyway —- we ended up having a very nice nonverbal meeting later, so it all turned out ok. Then again , that department has never been an issue. Maybe the frequency…..

I hit draft on that one. It’s not done or proofread so read at your own risk lol. I will finish it here in a bit.

Had a great day. Let me bore you with it. ..

MD and I wake up – pretend nothing is wrong, and exchange pleasantries. He goes to work. I clean and pack the kids up for a fun day of activities – cheap burger place to grab some burgers to take to the park. Then we got ice cream and went to a flower sale. All with my mother. best behavior to boot. Not a bad day at all.

Then MS invites us to dinner, and we are (md and I) are very cordial still. Every once in awhile, one of us will forget we’re not talking completely yet and will comment about something or laugh or ask a question. We get back home. I completely ignore him by playing on my phone. He kept putting his down and looking at me, but screw that. We finally were alone tonight and I sat down and he sat down and he turned the tv off. We sat in silence for 20 minutes. Was creepy. Not this

I said – wow, are we in trouble.

MD-Why?

MM- because of the silence.

MD – oh I know. It’s great.

MM- no, the silence between us.

MD-…………………………….

MM- I have made a few decisions.

MD- oh you have?

mm- yes, I’m done. I quit being the person who initiates converation.

I got up this morning and went to work. No, not that kind of work.

I got up and immediately did the snack dishes from last night. Then I cleaned out the 3 school supply cabinets to get them ready for the slow buildup of supplies this summer in preparation for the new school year. I did combine them into 2, so I had more room for pots/pans. Then I rearranged the pots/pans/bakeware cabinets. Then I organized the cleaners. Now I’m about to tackle the shit ass mess around this computer. Busy day and it’s not even 9am. Not too bad for a gal that’s riding 4 hours sleep – from the past TWO days. 2 hours each night. It’s got to stop, I’m exhausted. But not sleepy. There’s a difference. I could lay down if I was sleepy. I’d just sit there as it is now.

Anyway……

Everyone is still asleep. Well, MD is gone, but he’s always gone. We had a fight last night. Again. I really think my head is going to drive me away from here. Or from him I should say. He just doesn’t get it. Maybe I don’t even get it anymore.

He gets mad because he says it’s always the same argument. But of course it is. If Bana came to me and said she was starving, and I didn’t fix her something to eat, should I get mad at her when she comes back and asks again? She never got the fucking food. I never get my shit resolved. I’m never going to stop bitching. And I don’t bitch initially. I ask. Politely. It’s only when I get ignored that I get snotty and bitchy. I hate being disregarded. Only his needs are important.

I told him that I was tired of my life being controlled by him. So he goes off on this tangent about how I am free to do what I want and I should get a hobby and it’s not his fault I don’t have anything to do…….. and i said could you hush so I could explain what I’m talking about? But he didn’t. So I yelled. And he still didn’t. So I yelled some more. Then he shut up so I tried again… Told him that he controls the tv remote, he controls which movies we go see, how often we have sex, and we always have to work around his fucking volleyball schedule. I could never even think of finding something for ‘me’ – there is isn’t time. Someone has to stay home and feed and bathe the kids on the nights he’s off playing around with his friends. It’s not MB3′s job to raise the little ones. I don’t mind asking him to babysit, but on a school night? That’s not babysitting – that’s parenting. Not his job. He just let it all fly by though. Just hollered that it was the same fucking argument we always have. Yes, yes it is. And I am not sure how many more times I’ll endure it before i get tired of trying to get the attention/affection/time that I need. I have no value. He’s my only world, everything I do is for him or with him – never for me. It’s never about me and what I want. Well screw that.

———-

Whoa…….simmer down ang.

———

I slammed the door last night and went into the living room to cool off. He just went to bed. Fine. So we’re going to sleep angry  now. I guess this marriage is toast. That’s how I feel. Like it’s falling apart around me. I went to bed really late and when I woke up this morning, he acted like everything was fine. Well it’s not. Not for me. We’re headed to counseling or else this shit ain’t going to make it to 25 years.

———-

On a happier note – it’s going to be 80 today!!

Not sure how this is going to work out. I added more pictures this time – one from now and one from the year I started this blog. I wanted to see how much they’ve changed.

My baby boy. Yeah I know he wasn’t even a sparkle in MD’s eye when this blog was born, but I didn’t want him to feel left out

This child is so amazing. He’s so smart and aware and cautious. He loves music and the military and movies….. He’s a very soft hearted kiddo who would gladly give you the last piece. He’s my little goof, and also my little scholar. He gets straight A’s and I know he’s only in 3rd grade and that isn’t very hard, but it IS hard for third graders. I’m very proud of him. I don’t do homework with him either. All on his own. He’s only missed 2 words all year on the spelling test. And shit, these are words I can’t spell lol.

All this to say he’s a neat little guy who deals with too much shit already but yet still gives his all. I’ll get into his condition here in a bit. His asessment/summary came yesterday and I need to read over it.

Wow, what a beautiful little girl she is. Always has been. This little one is my sunshine. Everything is possible and shitting rainbows around this one. Heart of pure gold. I haven’t known anyone as kind as she is. How she’s mine, I’ll never know. She’ll do some of the dishes behind my back so the boys don’t have as much to do. I know she does this, but I won’t call her for it. I think it’s sweet but I damn sure hope the boys realize it.

She’s almost 12. Again, wow. Going to be a teenager soon and I’m still not worried. I don’t think she’s the kind to give us too much grief. Hope not anyway.

She’s also getting straight A’s so far. She is on the path to college and has $13 saved for it. She knows that she will have to get scholarships when she’s older because we won’t have as many kids and be as poor. Fingers crossed please. Told her she was too young to worry about it in middle school, but she said it will be practice for high school. And she’s right. I just heart her.

Whew, I remember those days – on the left there. This little guy was hell on wheels. He was every bit of his multiple diagnosis. He had so much trouble it was very scary to think of him growing up and moving out on his own.

But now….. gawd. This kid has evolved so much. He has taught himself the behaviors that he sees everyone else using. That’s brilliant for a spectrum kiddo. That’s what he has to do to survive. He’s still not 100% there, but wow is he trying. Just like SHeldon, he’ll constantly ask – is that sarcasm? is your face angry? was that a joke? are you serious? Just too hard to instinctively know this shit. He wasn’t born with those instincts. Those nuances of unwritten rules and morality codes and all that jazz – he has to learn them all as if he were an alien from another planet having to learn our ways and customs and languages and on and on. He knew nothing. Like God forgot to pack the bananas in his lunch before he sent him to Earth – so he’s been buying his own.

He’s very smart in certain areas, and then he struggles with others. Subjective shit throws him off every time – so social studies is out. So is science – but only at this age level. Up to now, science has been a very hard class for him because the information they must learn is presented in a social studies like format. I told him once high school hits and he gets to take biology and chemistry and etc  - it’ll be a whole new ball game. It’ll morph into something more similar to math – and he ‘gets’ math. I worry for him, but he’s made me proud and astonished a great deal so far. Let’s hope he continues.

This guy. This guy is one of a kind. Would ask Santa for presents for his brothers when he was little. Helps look after the little ones now. Takes them to DQ and the park. He takes them to school every day. He takes care of himself for the most part. He is a slob. A total slob. But considering his older brothers, I guess that’s normal.

He’s been dating the same girl for about 8-9 months now. Watching him in a relationship just makes me all the more proud of him. He watches over her. He treats her like a princess. He brushes her hair and rubs her feet, for Gawd’s sake. He’s the kind of man we’re all looking for. Smart funny and kind.

He wants to be a medical examiner. Yuck. But hey, whatever floats his boat. I think he’d be a great nurse, but what do I know?

My artist. He’s in his 3rd year at MWSU, and he’s doing fantastic. He’s probably going to have to move to find decent work, but as long as he visits, I guess he has to do what he has to do. The rest of them better not scatter like roaches or I’ll be pissed.

Anyway, MB2 is very unique. He loves Magic, comics, animation…… I know he wants to be an illustrator, i just hope he finds work doing what he loves.

He dates every now and again. He currently is dating a young lady that seems very nice. I hope it works out, he gets bummed when they don’t. Then again, if it ain’t meant to be…..

He was picked to be an RA next year, which means he’ll be living in the dorms again – free this time. He’s excited. They put him in charge of the honors art dorms, and he’s thrilled to death. I hope he continues to knock it out of the park. It’s nice to not have to worry about someone.

My oldest. Heir to all I don’t have. Poor guy. He’s still working at the plant, still making decent money, still dating J, still living with the guys – only they moved to a different apartment. He’s doing well. Not sure if he’s paying his bills, but he still has his car, so I guess so. He claims to be going back to school in the fall, but he’s said that before. I hope he does. Or I hope he busts his ass enough to get promoted to the white shirt side of the house instead of the blue collar meat makers.

He’s 22 now. Wow. I have a 22 year old. He could get married at any time and start popping out babies. Wonderful. Let’s hope he waits awhile. He doesn’t visit as much as I’d like, and he rarely calls. Good thing he lives in town or else we’d never talk to him. I miss having him around. This is going to really suck to have my kids move out and away on me. Really suck.

My husband. That’s Bana he’s holding about 11 years ago. Aren’t they precious? She sure loved/loves her daddy. And that’s him on the right. Thin, tan, handsome. Why he’s with the Great White Woman is beyond me. But he is. And I love him fiercely. More than I ever did when we first married. More than I did when we remarried. Unless he leaves me, then I kill him.

He’s doing well at the cable place. Checks are decent with summer approaching.  Thought winter was going to kill us. At least we know it gets tight during the colder months. Good to know.

He wants to move back to FL so badly, but the kids are planting roots here the longer we stay, and I am not leaving my babies. Maybe someday when my hair is blue and his is white we can play snowbirds each year. Until then, we visit.

Well, that’s me when this bitch started. Ian asked why I had an Afro. Sweet kid. And that’s me this morning. I even smiled for you! My hair is crazed, but I really don’t give shit right now. I will later and take it down, but for now – it’s up.

Today is a better day. I am feeling really lucky to have what I have.  Blessed to have what I have. Blessed to be who I am. Blessed to have people in my life that love me. Blessed to have all of you that are very dear to me. Blessed to have my mind and body relatively healthy. Blessed to have a roof and food and all that jazz. I’d be really blessed with a tummy tuck, but I can wait.

You know how I’m doing. I tell you every day whether you like it or not. Today I am happy. I am over the moon. Tomorrow is another day, another story – so for now, I enjoy today.

Enjoy your weekend.

Still up. Not tired. Not snacking either, although I’m getting hungry. I didn’t eat dinner because it was gross, and now I’m finally hungry. Is an apple bad? mom said it has a lot of carbs, but I don’t give a shit. It’s got to be better than a cookie?

…………

I ate an orange. For the first time in my life, I ate fruit as a snack. Damn.I mean, I eat it, but when I ‘m snacky I get something totally bad for you. Not this time. Go me.

——-

Great – Sarah McLachlin. Angel. Ugh. I won’t turn it off, maybe i can harden myself to it.

———-

I fucked up today and was talking on the phone about Ian. Bana heard. NOw , she already  knows everything her 11 yearold brain can comprehend, but I was talking about the medicine not helping boys already full time in a chair and she was so upset. Kept asking why they aren’t going faster and don’t they know what will happen if they don’t.

I just hugged her. I know baby girl. I know.

Been sitting here for 3 hours and haven’t had a snack yet. Go me.

Now since I have nothing real to talk about, I’m going to go finish those letters.

Better shut off the songs that make me want to hang myself BEFORE I start writing JIC I die letters. No sure what the fuck I’d say.

Still not in a very good mood. I am half tempted to call mom and see if she wants to go somewhere. Anywhere. But then I realize what I’m saying and think about the mood I”m in and think it would be probably best not to kill her today. Might ruin the weekend.

That damn cough assist machine was over $5k. I’m so glad for this insurance. I don’t know what we would do without it. Seriously. It’s honestly killing us to buy the different types of food for him to try to help bulk up. I am running to the store every few days to get more of what he will eat and buy more of what he might eat. I’m trying so hard to fatten him up. He’s 48 lbs as of today. He was 45 at the doc. Only took a month to gain 3 lbs. And that could disappear by morning. Sigh.

He’s talking to me right now about weapons. Like I know anything he’s talking about. He’s asking what type of scope I had in the military. LOLOLOL – like I was some sniper or some shit. I wish dad was still alive. This kid would have thrilled him to death. With the classic rock fascination and the war fascination and the weapon fascination – they would have been two peas in a pod. He’s even got the same warped sense of humor.

My daughter made cookies and they are divine. I love that she can do shit on her own without me needing to hold her hand.

Might be time for another family update. Like you care, but later on – the kids might like to hear about where they are in life at this point in time.

Maybe later…

Better take my night pills while I’m thinking about it….

K

I have only missed one night in almost two weeks. So why do I still feel like shit.

I know. Because I read too much and instead of focusing on the fact that they are finally working on a drug that will help him – it’s like HURRYHURRYHURRY.. and they aren’t listening. I know they are, but it’s frightening to read about the boys being too far advanced to help. That scares the shit outta me.

ENOUGH

Goop really takes out carpet stains. Did you know that? Why didn’t you tell me?

I am using Chrome. I didn’t like it at first, but I’m getting used to it. I don’t know why I am telling you this.

I’m two seconds from talking about the weather.

I’m out.

That’s it. That’s my new best friend. Mr Cough Assist. The CoughALator. Whatever. It’s huge and heavy and I don’t know where to put it. Perhaps up someone’s ass.

Well, at least my mood is perking up.

This is awesome. IT explains what I’m talking about when I say exons and skipping and shit like that.

————

Still not feeling better. Blah and all that.

——–

I wish these people would hurry up and get here. I don’t feel like I can do anything. MD is on call and already got called in – on his day off. Told him he was working tomorrow too. Tomorrow is prom for MB3 and we’re supposed to drive him and 11 of his friends to KC for dinner. They’re cheap and didn’t want to spend the 1200 on a limo. I don’t blame them. Instead, they are using the Beast. Whatever.

Here is some info about some of the drugs they are working with for DMD. Some of you expressed interest, so here it is.  I am more hopeful every day. I know it won’t save his life, but it might extend it for a long long while. I’ll take it. I almost selfishly said that maybe I’ll go before him that way, but I wouldn’t want to leave him either. No easy way.

(You can read it all, but I was most thrilled with the list you see when you scroll down a bit)

{{Damn, I read it again, went off on a link to the company website and saw that they keep talking about stability. I just now got it. The boys. They’re stable. They’re not declining anymore. All their function tests are coming back the same time after time. A year and a half now. That’s a long time not to regress for a duchenne kiddo. Wow. Gawd I hope they hurry with #53. }}

——–

I also read last night more info that clearly states that there are boys that are too far gone for this. I want to know what that cut off is. I need Ian to hang on to walking for another year or two. I still think maybe it won’t help these kids walk, but maybe ease up the pressure on their heart and lungs? Or I guess those would be just as bad off as the rest of them. And once it turns to fibroid tissue  it can’t be reversed. So fucking sad. All those little guys who just have no hope at all. Damn.

———–

I’m sick of having good days followed by bad days followed by worse days and then great days. I want to be level all the time. I’m not sure I’m capable of doing anything today. That’s how yuck I am. I need to do something to perk me up.

But what…

Cough assist will be delivered sometime before noon. Thrill. I know I know. Just not happy about it. Still feel like it’s starting us down a path and there is no turning back.

BUT – I will post something here in a bit that made me smile. The parts I could understand anyway. And note that this ISN”T the drug that will help Ian, but it’s in the same family, his is modeled after this one, and it’s only a matter of time before they find something ANYTHING that will help – right?

She doesn’t see the need for the biopsy. She said he could do it for peace of mind, but she really doesn’t think anything cancerous is going on. They are swollen, but they’re soft and fluid. No fever, no sweats, no weight loss. She said to watch and call her if anything changes.

Now it’s up to MB2. I’ll go along with whatever.

At least I feel better.

Getting ready to leave here in a few. My stomach is in knots and it’s only the consult. I’d ask what we’re going to find out, but I guess I’ll know soon enough all the shit she CAN’T tell me.

I don’t feel very well.

I bet solitaire would make me feel better.

Tomorrow at 8am for the consult. She’s supposed to answer our questions. I just wish someone would stop this fucking ride so I could get off.

———-

I feel rather numb actually. I am confident it will come back a-ok. However, if it doesn’t, , ……. well I just don’t know what the hell will happen.

They want a biopsy of his glands. But we knew that was coming, didn’t we?

OMG What you learn by reading.

Let me paraphrase the best one I read – Missing exons 45-52 is one of the MOST COMMON mutations there is. There was a whole string of them listed, but that’s all I needed to see. And guess what else? He’s missing 45-52 right? Well, 44 and 53 don’t play nice together, but if we skip 53, 44 and 54 lock perfectly. AND CAN COMPLETE THE CELL. AND MAYBE, JUST MAYBE…… it will switch him over to something similar to Beckers, and he’s just inherited a life full of challenges, but at least he’s getting a life. Now if only they were working on Skipping Exon 53?

And guess what else? They are.

My email isn’t working, btw, which is why I’m answering email here.  I can receive but not send. I’ll get around to it.

No word on the CT scan. Assholes. Now it’s not even funny. I’ve called, He’s called. Nurse will call you back. Nothing. I am pretty hopeful that their indifference means it was  an all-clear. I hope anyway.

————-

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH Guess what? Shit, this will take awhile…..

FYI — Did you know you should NOT brush your teeth when you are preoccupied?

FYI — Did you know that you can tell it’s not your toothbrush by the way the bristles feel in your mouth?

FYI — Did you know that there’s a one in 4 chance that I stuck Ian’s toothbrush in my mouth?

FYI — Did you know that my ass is cleaner than his mouth?

I sit here before the workout. I sit here after the workout. It would appear I’ve found the reason as to why my ass is so large.

———

6 minutes of abs

9 minutes of low HIIT

———-

I went from 10 minutes total to 15!!!!!! I’m not really all that excited about my pud ass increase, but I wanted to note it all the same. That’s the only ab workout I can find in the set, so it must suffice for all levels. It’s a slow, grueling ab workout. I’m also doing that squat challenge that’s going around Faceb00k. 30 days of squats. Start at 30 and increase 10 daily. Resting every 7 days. Going to try anyway. I can’t imagine doing 200-300 squats, but ok. I’ll try.

————

I’m admitting that ever since the kids were listening to the radio the other day and Rihanna’s {sp} new one came on I haven’t been able to get it out of my mind. Especially…… Funny you’re the broken one but i’m the only one who needed saving. It plays over and over. He would debate the broken part, but I wouldn’t. I’d say we were/are both broken. And I’m the only one who had to fix it. Not cool. Those words were spinning around in my head many many years before that song came out. But, I’ll either deal with it as I always have, or eventually just leave and try to salvage what years I have left with hopefully someone new who really loves me and isn’t afraid to let other people know. A man who wants to spend time with me, and will mute the game to listen to me once in awhile. I don’t interrupt that often. I know the rules. But if I do, it’s probably pretty noteworthy. Press the hot damn mute button and listen. Geesus. I do’nt expect them all to quiver when I walk into the room — although I have dated 3 guys who did that very thing, albeit kinda creepy when I look back because all 3 turned out to be stalker like — but I would like them to at least perk up when they see me. I still smile when MD enters the room. I love him and he’s mine. That makes me smile. MD rarely notices I’ve left the room, let alone when I re-enter. If that tv is on, he’s out of it. I get that that’s how he relaxes, but shit. Then the bitch is on all night. I try to start challenges – no tv for a month, one hour a night, etc – I was told that it wasn’t happening – by MD. I’d let him cheat, but even still – he said nope. Can’t do anything without his support. That’s what he’s been like the past few years. That’s why I need to get a job. Yes, I believe we start looking……….perhaps I’ll wait 2-3 weeks. I have shit to do on the 6, 8, 10, 13, 14, 15, 17, 19, 24, 30, 31 —– there are reasons I don’t work. That’s one of them. Most can’t be pushed. Some are because of the school year coming to an end. Field trips, park days, field days……some are appts, one is my baby’s graduation…… I’ll start looking in case I find something that will be flexible enough to work with my schedule. That’d be nice.

I just drone on and on don’t I?

I am starving. Thank GAWD there are  no chips in this house that I”ll eat.

I am starving. Do you not give a shit?

How about some fruit? Is that bad for you?

Frost on the windshield….. Sounds like a sad song you’d hear on the local country station. What it should be is a crime. A crime committed by mother nature.

Oooh Oooh everyone is gone. Time for Turbofire. Let’s see how long I last today.

………

…..

..

MD was watching tv and giving me that uh uh uh uh with smiles and nods as I talked, so I grew tired of being ignored and left the room. I went in to  the bedroom and played on my phone. He shows up about 15 minutes later wondering where I am. He wanted to know what I was doing. I explained to him what an ass he was and he hasn’t left my side since. He not only took a shower, but he manscaped. Does that not mean something wicked my way comes?

Not getting my hopes up, but I need to shave a little better. brb

MD is home early!! He ate dinner with us!! Hopefully he takes a shower and spends time with me too!! I ain’t holding my breath!! I love exclamation points!!

His juice boxes arrived today. He took one drink, made a face, and got the lecture from MD about a tube and all that shit. He’s promised to drink 2 a day. Again, I ain’t holding my breath.

Oooopps, MD is finished eating and I think we’re going to watch a movie. Night.

I’m not going to get into politics on this blog. I used to , and i never heard the end of it through emails from a few hot headed democrats that wanted my head on a platter for the shit I said. Who gives a shit anymore, but still. I don’t wanna deal with it. Life’s too short and all that jazz.

ANyway, if I hear one more time that it’s a conspiracy I’m going to flip a nutty.

———–

Went to lunch with mom today. She was tolerable, in a pleasant mood. Only reason I went. I still sat there with not much to say. Just hard to talk to her about anything real. Doc appts, ian’s doc appts, etc – she just doesn’t give two shits or she can’t handle it. Suits me fine anyway.

Ooops, promised MB4 a haircut. Off I go.

Mutha@#&^ spots… F(*&%*&^&*( film….. sonofawhore!

One spot won’t come clean. And it’s the main spot you see when you exit the shower. Dammit. The rest of the door (toothpaste) is fabulous and the other door (baking soda) is fabulous. I just don’t get it. Maybe let it sit there longer? I don’t know. I give up.

———–

I tried to take a picture of my hair, but i just can’t take a good picture to save my life. Eyuck.

I’m going to go steal Bana’s toothpaste.

Toothpaste. That’s what takes off hard water stains. And it looks like you can polish with glass cleaner. And it takes off soap scum too. JUst takes a whole tube lol. But my shower is sparkly and bootiful. Now if I start screaming because a film appeared or the spots came back or the cloudy shit came back, then you know we’ll try something else. I will find something. My sister says that the stainless cleaner she’s using does. I might have to get me a bottle.

Now to do abs and get ready for the day. Fridge is done.

Kitchen is not, but the whole WEEK is kitchen. I must pace myself.

———–

Still cleaning fridge. Takes awhile when you’re screwing around.

Seriously. What the fuck?

That’s snow in case you’re wondering. I realize it’s a dusting, but I would really like spring to show its ass.

She said to modify the work out as I see fit. So I chose to exercise ass muscles and sat on the couch. My gawd. I did the HIIT (low) today. I did almost 10 minutes. I will do abs here in a bit, but let my legs stop crying first.

I hate that I’m such a wimp. I hate that my enemy is me and my 100lb-never-gain-a-thing mentality that just isn’t realistic anymore. I can’t eat whatever I want. Not at this exercise level anyway.

———

I’m annoyed right now and I don’t know why. I need J to wake up early so I can chit chat with someone while I have time in the mornings. Today is kitchen day. Groan.

———–

Let me go start. Argh.

I checked into the assistance program for abilify. Not sure it can help me, but I will check the one for axert and hopefully get some help there. Good idea Tink.

I need to finish those JIC letters for MD, J, and P. Not sure I can write any of them. 2 because I care so much and 1 because i want her to kiss my ass. Maybe I should hold off on that one.

Damn I am really bitter. I made a decision though. She has always –ALWAYS — called me on my birthday. I know I bitched last year because she didn’t. STILL hasn’t acknowledged it to this day. ANYWAY — if it happens again this year, I’m done. I’m done trying to send cards and text and leave messages. She can come kiss my round ass if she wants to mend these fences. I’m important too. If I’m not important to her, to make a 2 second phone call, then so be it. Our relationship can be moved to another level. One where I don’t worry when 3 months have gone by and we haven’t spoken. One where I don’t worry when birthdays go by and there are no phone calls. One where i don’t worry when CHRISTMAS goes by without so much as a how do you do. Fuck all that shit. Again, my friendship is awesome, I know that much. I’ll do anything for you. I”ll talk to you whenever you need me, I’m especially my best at 3am. I believe in spending the time to make a friendship healthy and to make it last. We’re only given so many true friends in this life. I try to cherish the ones that I have. J and MD are two of those friends. My sister is another. I thought P was one as well. I was wrong. Her boyfriend throws a thyroid issue into the mix and bam-o, his night sweats cause the whole world to shut down. I know it’s completely treatable. Ok, so I don’t know that for sure, but the docs have all said that taking the lithium could cause thyroid issues so they always check. But they never made it seemlike a big deal if I have issues in the future. It’s another pill to take but as a result I GET TO FEEL PERFECTLY HEALTHY. So what’s taking up her time? Seriously. Hot dammit this fires me up. No No No. Fuck that bitch. If she don’t want any of this, then there’s more for the ones that do want it.

I’m just a bitter old woman. But see if I send HER a birthday card this year. HA!

I’ll have you know that I’ve been up for 90 minutes now. I have eaten 3 bites of ice cream and 4 chips. That’s it. And I feel full and yucky. I also feel proud of myself for not gorging on shit and only taking enough to satisfy the craving. And not the craving of food exactly, but the craving to snack while on the puter at 4am. I have to stop that shit altogether. But at least i didn’t blow the whole diet in one night. I will at least maintain.

I need to check my WOW account. It was hacked into and before I sign back up to play, I want to make sure all my shit is there. I had a level 81 with a really kick ass bird/horse thingy. I want to make sure it’s all still there before I start to play again. If not I’ll activate the starter account the kids have been playing on and I’ll start over. Kids are going to be sad when I turn on the old account anyway. I cccccccccooooooooould transfer their players over, but that is $25 a piece. I’d rather they just start over.

The day starts in an hour. Let me go try to write these letters…..

MN is back. It was a training exercise. I imagine with that nut in NKorea things are getting tense and the readiness of the military is of utmost importance. Just glad he’s safe.

No call for MB2. I want to punch someone. MS pointed out that perhaps that’s a good sign. I hope so.

I wish I could play my entire library on shuffle. But I can’t because of everyone else’s songs. Shit songs. I can’t go from Five Finger Death Punch to mc chris. I don’t even know who that is. But I know I don’t like the sound of it. Blech.

You get to listen to cool music when you put it on shuffle. Men at work. Police. Little River Band. Gerry Rafferty. Hall & Oates. Love it.

MD still isn’t home. That’s 8 OT so far this week. Keep em coming. If we’ve lost SSI, then he needs to make up for it on the check. And then some.

To get a job or not get a job. That is the question. That’s always the question. I think once the kids are out of school, I will start to seriously look. MD doesn’t want me to have one, but I don’t want to live like this forever. Never getting ahead.

I’m going to choke the shit out of the new neighbor. She put up 3-4 wind chimes and it’s like a fucking orchestra going on out there. Egads. She’s always home or else I’d cut them bitches. OK, I wouldn’t really. But I might try to chop them down with a ninja blade. I need to practice.

Snow? WTF? They better be fooling.

I checked our flex account – we have only 1k left. It’s only April. Guess we better be careful. Kind of sucks when my axert is $80 a month. And I have 1-2 appts a month. And now MB2 has 1-2 appts a month. And MD has some dental bills. Lovely.

MB2′s going to call the doc to see what the ct scan results are. I ain’t waiting no mo.

I skipped the stretch, did 6 minutes of abs and about 7 minutes of cardio. The class because i was too lazy after the ab workout to get up and change dvds. And yet I wonder why I’m large and in charge.

I made homemade laundry soap and like to die later on thanks to mr migraine. I am washing clothes today so I’ll see if it happens again. I hate to blame the soap but I was sure smelling the shit out of it before the headache kicked in. It smells sooooooooooo good. Ivory soap with purex crystals. Yeah, yeah, the other stuff too, but I only care about smelly good shit. So far no headache. We’ll see.

——-

Just got up and cleaned the bathroom. Not sure why. But I’m glad that’s done.

———-

Just conditioned the table. Again, not sure why. I do know that I say again how much I love lamictal. I wasn’t doing any of this before I started taking it. Now I’m answering the phone, cleaning again, and making a budget. I’m singing during the day instead of crying. Not all the time. I do cry. But it’s brief and sporadic when I’m reminded of something bad/sad. I am not willingly conjuring up scenarios in my head anymore. No more inviting stress and grief.

Although my head is going CRAZY wondering wtf is up with MB2. It’s been going on for over 6 months. I should have listened to him sooner. Time makes a difference if we’re talking bad shit. Which we’re not. Right? Right. Back to my happy place….

————–

Oh yeah, I need to head to the thrift store and get MD some new work jeans.

Some of us were in the thrift store LOOOOOONNNGGG before it was cool.

I’d tell you how much it bothers me that these bipolar people are fucking crazy, cause I can connect the dots and see that it’s not a pretty picture for the rest of us, but you already know how much this bothers me.

———

I am finally bathed, painted,  and coiffed. Hoping to land me a little later. Or a lot. I’ll take a lot. What a desperate little fool I am. That’s my motivation more than anything. That MD is thin and tan and handsome, and I’m tubby, white, and bleh. He ain’t going to want sex when I look this way. I have to fix myself to be back where I used to be. Well, I will never be that thin again, and honestly wouldn’t want to be, but 20 lbs lighter is the goal. That’s still 20 lbs over where I was when I got pg with Ian, but that’s ok. I don’t want to go back to looking like a crack whore. I just don’t want to look like this. Time to bust out the swimsuit and horrify myself again.

————-

I wish MD was home.

————-

I like the money with him working late, but I would rather him be home. I know I’m selfish.

————-

OMG. Ian is bugging me for Road Rovers or something like that. Some two bit show that he happened to see on CN and now is trying to drive me insane wanting me to buy it. I can’t find it. Geebus.

Cannot kick this headache. It appeared when I made some homemade laundry soap. Smells good but smells bad too. I hope in small amounts we can still use it. I hate waste and there’s enough soap there for a few months.

Damn it makes my eyesight blurry. Let me find some glasses…

Just took a break instead. Vision fixed.

I’m worried I won’t be able to pay bills next month because ONE check MD made was a few hundred too much. So they’ll take the whole damn SSI check. Lose $730 because of $280. Makes sense to me. Shit. Let’s hope they make sense this time around like they HAVEN”T before.

I was paid back for that ‘too many pills’ appt. Still think I should own that fucking clinic.

I’m hungry and I want to devour something. ANything. I’m out of smarties, and as of RIGHT NOW, I am not going to buy anymore. I”m going to do 3 things tomorrow – stretch for 10 , abs for 10 and low HIIT for 10. That should cause plenty of sweat-age. DO NOT let me back out of it. I even have the dvd’s laid out. C’mon angie. You are not on track for the birthday bikini reveal. Maybe a month later for the actual pool opening, but that’s doubtful with your track record. It takes so much to do this. To commit to this. It’s just food. But it’s not. It’s become my friend. My comfort. My boredom kicker. It replaced my good pal mr smoke, and that was a big pair of shoes to fill.

I’m hungry. Have I mentioned that? That’s dangerous. Because I eat when I’m NOT hungry. I eat A LOT when I’m NOT hungry. SO what do you think I eat when I AM hungry? Gawd. Let me go grab some fruit or something before those chips jump in my mouth.

Family says accused ricin mailer is mentally ill…

“He is bipolar, and the only thing I can say is he wasn’t on his medicine,” his ex-wife, Laura Curtis, told The Associated Press.

————

OOOOOOOOf course he is…

————-

MN is on a training mission. Testing readiness. His visit this summer should still be a go.  We get to meet the squeeze. Maybe a surprise or two?

————–

No word yet on the ct scan. Now we wait until Monday. So instead Ang is going to start internet searching. Maybe it will give my well worn duchenne searches a break.

Let no bad happen. Let no bad happen. Angie couldn’t handle it so let no bad happen.

I’m getting more nervous about MB2 as time goes on. He kept saying something was wrong. I was so stupid not to get him to another doc when the other one said nothing was wrong. But how was I to know she was wrong? Dammit.

Nothing would surprise me at this point. Nothing. I am prepared for the absolute worst because that’s how life rolls around here.

Although a reprieve from the usual bullshit would be nice.

Define cheating on Words with Friends. The app? The dictionary? Other people helping? What is a nono?

—————

Michelle – the sleep study results – yes, very mild apnea. WTF? But he said he slept like a baby there. Again, WTF? Put him in some clinical surrounding and he sleeps soundly? Cause he damn sure don’t sleep sound at night. Not enough to do anything about – that’s what they said. So I’m going to record what happens HERE and shove it up their ass.

——————

Did I mention I was sweating about $300? wasn’t expecting a whopping adjustment payment due on the insurance and my electric was really fucking high this month. Well his check was almost $300 more than what it usually is. That overtime sure came when we needed it. SOMETHING came when we needed it. And I am thankful. Although I think this means we get adjusted down on the SSI. Sigh. Can’t win.

————————

Tomorrow we go to the ct scan at 9am. MD goes to take his test so he can get promoted at 9am. Heavy stuff. Let no bad happen.

I am so sleepy.. I refuse to go to sleep and take a nap. So here I sit. Nodding off like an ass.

———

20 minutes later …….

————-

Yeah, so I fell asleep on my arm at the puter desk. What’s it to ya?

Don’t tell MD.

—————

Wide awake now. Isn’t that something? It doesn’t work that way for him or I wouldn’t mind that much. He never fully recovers from a nap. It like destroys what little energy he DID have. Probably because his ass wants to sleep for an hour instead of 15 minutes.

Oh well….

Shitty day outside. SHitty weather = shitty mood in most people. I enjoy this weather so it’s cool. I don’t enjoy it being 37 degrees WHILE it’s shitty outside, but I can’t change it.

Did I just talk about the weather? I got nothing.

If you happen to have some extra prayers laying around, send ‘em this way, could ya? MS’ oldest son was deployed 2 days ago. Not sure any details, just that he was leaving. He’s in the Navy, so hopefully his ass will be on a carrier somewhere farrrrrrrrrrrr away from any shit.

And MB2′s doc called back. The radiologist recommended the ct scan, and she wants it as well. Said there has to be a reason his glands are swollen. I asked if lymphoma is even a possibility, and she said yes. Has to be a reason. The other doc told him it was normal and not to worry about it – which we believed. Now I don’t know what to think. Anyway, his ct scan is friday. I’m going to go with him because he’s scared out of his mind. I would be too after talking to her. She’s a really honest person – not blunt, but honest. Dammit. So if you could, send over some – it’s just an infection vibes. Even though he’s been on 3 rounds of different shit and nothing has worked.

Let no bad happen. Let no bad happen. Let no bad happen Hot Dammit!

I wish the doctor would call back. MB2′s doc to let me know if he’s truly in need of a ct scan or not. I’ll feel like shit if something is wrong. But damn. So many ailments. So many tests.

I also called Ian’s pulmo doc and told him that the cough assist isn’t here yet. He said one week. It’s been several.

I also called the dentist and asked for goodie bags for MB3 who is teaching a 1st class how to brush their teeth. I can’t believe I did this.

I was just a busy bee this morning. And I’m cleaning shit too. The stove the oven the fridge. Eyuck. It means a lot when I clean that shit.

Something, I can’t tell you what, but something is in the oven and it’s almost done and I have to go. Stop asking me.

I swear MD only comes home for lunch to sleep. Eating is secondary. I hate nappers. That’s kind of strong. I severely dislike naps. I like those who take them, I just REALLLLLLLLLLLY wish they wouldn’t. Not in my house anyway. Not on ‘my’ time. Anyway……

I cleaned today instead of doing TUrbo fire, and I regret it now. Now that everyone is home and I can’t do it. Now I want to. Maybe i can do it in my bedroom…

MB3 is out of gas money and gas and I have to run to town to drop some off. Money that is. I don’t really want to leave again.

————–

THat was yesterday. It was shit so I didn’t post it thinking I would add to it later. But I didnt so there ya go.

—————

I took a very mind pain pill for this headache – VERY MILD (ultracet) and I am flying. And I only took 50mg! Lightweight today. Probably because it’s been so long since I took one. I have been using my midrin instead, and wow – I havent used much of them either. Nice break I’ve been having. I wonder if the lamictal has anything to do with it. Let me seee……Why yes it is used to prevent migraines. But it causes them as well. Maybe it just depends on the person. “I” hopefully am one of the lucky ones who benefits. I already love this pill anyway for how normal it makes me feel, andnow I just love it even more.

————-

If I’m supposed to drop P from my life, how do I do that? If your shrink says to ditch a person, are they serious? Again, how? What do I say? My shrink says you’re toxic to me – good day. ? Why do I still have the urge to talk to her? I don’t know. ANd what about mom? She gets my blood pressure up so high that they are glad I”m on inderal or else they’d put me on something for at least the days I go up to talk about her. THis is what B said to me … word for word…. (about P when she said that gasping for life shit) what kind of shit is that? (and when I told her about mom calling dad a junkie she said …) are you effin kidding me? I thought it was funny. She’s such a kind easy going soul. So is Jan- the rx doc. I heart them both. I went 7 years to the other k=lace (KU for thos wondering) and got nothing but a partial cocktail and no where on the anixety. I spend 7-8 months here and I feel like a new woman. Almost back to myself again. Seriously. The lamictal has given me juuuuuuuuuust a touch of ass kicking that lights the fire under my ass again. IT also give me just s touch of mania, which she said I could ‘keep’ as long as I was a good girl and told of any erratic behavior or thoughts. Sure thing ma’am. Whatever. I wouldn’t let them take this from me if they put a bullet to my head. I don’t feel manic – I feel alive. Is it so wrong to want to stay right here? She was a sweatheart and said, I won’t ever mess with your pills unless you want me to. THen she said the words I’ve been waiting to hear for 8 years …… I’d say you’re just about ready for maintenance. No more adjusting. No more guessing and trying and hoping and suffering the ills of trying new meds. She wants to make sure I am not having nightmares next month, but she said we’ll be seeing each other less and less because she trusts me and she’s proud of me for my med compliance (you there, down and hush – i TRY to take my pills. I just suck at it. But I’m not flushing them down the toilet or throwing them away secretly or simply refusing to take them at all. I try. I want to. There’s a difference. ) and she is going to miss me but the only thing I need now is more psychotherapy and my trusty pack of wonder pills guaranteed to make me feel better as long as I take them. I personally can’t believe how much therapy helps. I never would have believed that I would respond like I have. I feel lighter. I feel more whole. I just feel better.

Now if only I could light my turbofire. dammit.

WTF. The dryer dude is 20 minutes late. Nothing chaps my ass more. I have shit to do. Do I leave the house with the garage door open? Scoot the dryer outside with a note? Write a note to go fuck yourself, you late bastard.

Feels good to have portions of my brain back.

That concoction didn’t work as well as I thought. Went to take a leak and the doors were cloudy. So  I rinsed them. And again. Then I dried them. THen I windexed them. One side is pretty good. THe other needs more scrubbing. And I’ve decided that if ajax/bleach effs up my hands, takes some elbow grease, and makes a mess rinsing — then wtf difference is vinegar? Same shit. It’s what I usually use. Although that was on the shower itself. We’ve never had doors. And I can’t try now because the two mixed will hurt me. So I will have to rinse and rinse and rinse and wait and wait – because my brain is a ninny. But eventually I will be able to try the ajax on it. I hope it works.

That asshole. Does he not own a watch? I want lunch dammit. But I refuse to start cooking and have him knock on my door.

Finally…..

Ok, I’m not dead. But I about killed his effing wife. Huzbag. E–yuck. He was a little rough, but nice. SHe was a lot rough and snotty. Thank you pills for preventing me from entering prison.

One slip. That describes me with Smarties. Dammit.

I made a baking soda/vinegar/dawn/water concoction and cleaned the shower doors. I had to rinse them 3 times, but holy shit. The glass is wavy and beveled but as clean as they are, you could still someone naked in the shower. Usually they are sort of covered. Hot damn. It worked. Now to get the knobs and faucets to work.

Freecycled that damn dryer. Well, he’ll be here in a minute. I am alone, so if he kills me, check my email for his name. CT. I know it, but I’ll keep him pvt until he does me wrong. I HATE doing this shit alone.

I cleaned the bano, the kitchen, the living room, and started clothes. I cleaned out the closet/filing cabinets yesterday. And the computer desk. Today I think I’ll get the fridge. THAT”S how I know “Im back”. I love to clean.

I sure haven’t loved to clean lately, that’s blatantly obvious from the filth. Argh. We’re going to fix that.

Not tired in the least. I need to start taking that shit, but I forgot. I’ll have to put it in the pill box too.

I had my therapy appt today. I asked her what she thought of my thoughts from the other night. She agrees with me. She said as long as I’m not dwelling on or obsessing about death and shit, that it’s ok –even healthy– to talk about it. She said the desensitizing it will do will go a long way to helping Ian when he needs it the most. She actually thinks I”m getting better. Such as I do.I know it’s hard to see it, but I do feel more in control. FOr the first time in a long time. I’m listening to my slow songs. Without tearing up.

MD and I talked about my appt tonight after putting the kids to bed. It wasn’t a pleasant conversation, but it was necessary. It was him who stopped us tonight. He was Done. I can respect that. For some reason though, I was cool as a cucumber. My goal is heartless bitch. Not really, but the ability to turn it on and off [my heart] sounds wonderful right about now.

Again I’m sitting here waiting to pick up the kids I know it’s thrilling for everyone.

I finished almost everyones just in case letters to be opened up on my death. It was hard writing them out because I have 6 kids and I had something I wanted to say to each of them . The older boys letters look like form letters except for the very top. I think I have three more to write. The hardest was moms. II honestly didn’t know what to say to her that wouldn’t hurt her feelings . So I basically just said I hope you find someone new and find happiness. I didn’t know what else to put. She hasn’t told me she loved me since I was 7 years old, so I just ended that letter with take care of yourself . It felt tacky but I couldn’t think of anything else to put.

I’m going to write one for this blog but that’s proving to be difficult as well . I have notes jot it down for the other three letters I need to write but it’s overwhelming thinking about what I would put here. You all mean so much to me.

I also updated the just in case angie dies sheet for Jason that has all the codes and passwords on it. Someone please make sure to email him and to have someone back up my archives I really wanted to be available to the kids later on. In fact I’ll try to do a backup on it tomorrow at least I can get up to this point.

Okay with the line is finally moving I guess I’m off.

I have MS’ dryer now, and it’s working great. Except now I have over 10 loads to do and although I’m fairly quick to wash and dry, I am very slow to fold. I don’t hate to fold, I just hate to do it right now. It’s relaxing to me, but I have to be in the mood. So far I’m not in the mood.

I feel depressed and heavy and tired and blah. In case you were wondering.

I love earth spirit shoes. Mine finally died. I need a new pair plus a black pair to clean with. They are so comfy. I wish I could find some clip on loafers (black) like my brown ones. Then I could easily take them on and off cleaning tubs and floors.

I am trying to finish those JIC letters. It’s hard. Hard not knowing the future and trying to summarize a lifetime of happiness into a few words. A few meaningful words that hopefully bring peace to those I leave behind. Hard to do when the faith really isn’t there, but Im  going to try.

Perhaps I should work on that now.

I threw the cookies away.

THen I folded some clothes, mourning the loss.

Then I rejoiced when I stepped on the scale to see I was still under 140 with the gorge fest  Saturday.  Not much , like barely, but still. Under. I need 5 lbs to play with, and since I’ve been bouncing between 135-139 the past two weeks, is it safe to say that barring a HUGE lapse in judgment, I should stay there until I move down more? Because if so, then I started this journey at 145-149, and that would mean that I’m down 10lbs. Give or take. I’m in a new neighborhood. And it feels fine. But I bet that 120′s neighborhood is even better.

Stupid question alert – if you use baking soda and vinegar to make homemade volcano, how can you combine them to clean with?

I did 15 minutes worth of legit exercise this morning. No cheating. No bullshit. 10 minutes of cardio and 5 minutes of abs. I think my modified training is perfect. I am too old and out of shape for 40 minutes of intense cardio. I will work myself up over time. I had another pig out attack over the weekend, but it wasn’t AS bad. Saturday nights are bad for me. Especially when the girls made cookies.

Cookies. THere are still cookies left over.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Sorry, but fuck. This is as hard as quitting smoking.

Wow, talk about heavy Angie. Way to suck the fun out of it.

OH well.

That’s my new slogan. Oh well. Kinda like that dog shit thing going around facebook. Picture of a dog kicking up some dust – Just kick some dirt over that shit and move on. I like that. Can’t we all just move the fuck on.

I hear that rat again. Rat mouse. Whatever. Muthers got in again. Third time. I’m going to take me a flashlight, crawl around the back yard, and hunt for their fucking house, move in, make a sandwich, and chew on their furniture. Bastards.

I was productive today. Even straightened my hair. hideous. Trust me.

MS’ dryer is performing nicely downstairs which makes my wallet very happy.

Fried chicken. Green beans. Corn. Rolls. Roasted Potatoes. Yum.

Time to start the chix.

Fuck it. Since I can’t sleep worth a shit, I might as well finish up my snow dancing speech and fill you in on what exactly we talk about on Friday afternoons when we’re running errands…

death.

That’s about it. We talk about our deaths, his death, other kids’ deaths. Dad’s. Mom’s. We are exploring into death with the hopes that it will offer some sort of therapy. We talk about The Plan. The Plan was moving back to FL someday – and could we do that if one of our children were buried here. Therein lies the major discussion. We have many objectives to meet. My child will NEVER I said NEVER be buried while I”m still breathing myself. Not UNLESS they have been cremated first. Dust to Dust. If not, brace yourself, I’ll spend the rest of my life with the Horrorvision Machine kicked back on giving me a blow by blow of what my child looks like over the years as the body decays. THIS IS WHAT I FUCKING DEAL WITH. MY brain isn’t normal. I don’t think like you do. I can’t help this shit, it’s automatic. Just like it is to stare at your hot husband and wonder if I still have what it takes to snag his ass.  I can’t help that either.

Soooooooo ——- in order to avoid the offing I would eventually do to myself to avoid that inflight movie 24/7, I would mercifully ask that he be reduced to dust immediately to save me the torture. However, it is greatly important that he be buried as well. I HAVE to have a place ‘to go’ with him. A place to sit and talk to him like I know I will for the rest of my life. Shawn’s mom still goes to see him every Wednesday. 13 years later. I think she’s wonderful.

So what to do? This is our dilemma. This is the kind of stuff we talk about, because it needs to be thought out with clear mind. Something we can sort do right now. Moreso than we’ll be able to do when the inevitable happens.

MD will follow my lead on the cremation because his exposure to death is so new he’s not sure how he’s going to react and he’s trusting that I know something he doesn’t know and he wants to make damn sure I soften the blow as much as possible. But what to do with the ashes? Bury them at the Catholic cemetery and start a family section for us, do so at the Christian cemetery, do so at this small town’s quaint little cemetery even though we still kind of feel like outsiders and while the cemetery is beautiful and peaceful I just have this uh-uh feeling about it. Or do we simply keep the ashes. With us forever. But then I have no where to go. ANd don’t say that I could ‘go’ into the living room but it’s not the same. I have nothing with dad because she didn’t bury him. I can’t go anywhere and like ….. make it official that I am going to see him. I need to feel respectful on Memorial Day and leave flowers. I need that format. That ritual. I need that for me.

Or do you split the ashes? Sounds simple, but every time I think about it my brain alarm sounds and I’m not sure I can do that. Not sure my heart could allow him to be separated just so we had some …….. insurance in case we moved. Blech. Or if we bury him, do we have a beautiful vase made like dad’s so that we have a part of him with us forever regardless of whether or not we ever move.

And how to pay for a funeral on the chump $5k life insurance plan that works gives you. …. Make that $10k if it’s an accident. Dad’s funeral was either 9 or 11K. I think 11k. And he was cremated – rented casket – NO burial. I want everything for my son, plus two extra lots flanking him so he’s protected from strangers and can lie peacefully. That’s 6k right there. So 6k plus 3k for his plot and plus 11k that it seems to cost normally, plus burial fees…….. ? And the cost of the urn to bury………and maybe smaller urns for us and perhaps the older kids if they want one. …… But how do we afford more insurance? We’re tight enough as it is without adding 6 more policies to the budget. When I had it quoted, they wanted Almost $50  a month. That’s too much for JIC insurance. I just don’t have it. But I do have the 4.95 it would take for just Ian to make sure I have the $15k-20k it’s going to take. And that’s not leaving any out to pay bills with while we are off from work. I don’t know the normal time frame it takes to recover from a child’s death. I don’t know when it would be normal to return to work following something like that. I know mom took off 5 months. 5 months she sat as a shellshocked recluse. Then she got a job and joined the living again. Sort of. But we can’t go that long. We’ll need money to survive so work can’t wait that long. I was thinking 2 weeks? 3 weeks? Then we have to allow for almost a full month’s worth of bills to take into account as well.

This is the kind of stuff we talk about. Now we may only talk about it for 5 minutes before one of us gets too uncomfortable, but that’s happening less and less. It’s more matter of fact now. Clinical. And if we can talk about this shit civilly  and it makes us feel better as a result, then I ain’t stopping. I cry less and less as we talk. I know it can’t possibly help me digest ALL the bad shit that’s to come so that I am free from hurt later, but I do hope that it will help ease the blow.

And please don’t think I’m focused on death. Quite the opposite. We spend 5-10 minutes talking about death each week, and then the rest is about life. About living. I appreciate every single breath I’m given. I am thankful for every second I get to spend with my son. Every moment counts. Is that so bad?

I have a feeling that this path is going to get a lot harder a lot faster than we thought. There are going to be tough decisions to make that are going to be thrown at us one after the other. She (his doc) said in our very first meeting that her policy is to discuss something at LEAST 2 years before you THINK you need to. That way when it happens early, you are prepared to RATIONALLY answer the question. She was mainly talking about medical procedures but I think it applies to everything. Which is why when I read about the little sweetheart that passed at 11 years old, my mind went into high alert. That’s 2 years from now. Sonofabitch. No body told me that the rug could be pulled out from underneath me like that. 14 was my lowest figure. That’s 6 years away. That sucks balls but it’s better than 2. But you know what? If I would have read that article back in ….. oh hell, as early back as October? I would have cracked. I’m stronger now. I feel it. I’m not 100% guarded in any fashion, but I am stronger than I was. Stronger than what i thought I could be. And that’ s from talking about it. With MD. With Becky. With J. With mom. With MS. You throw light on some shit and you are able to deal with the reality of it. You let shit lurk in the shadows and haunt you, it will destroy you as your brain imagines the worst. This will help me help him later. This will be how I survive this. Talking about it now will help shield me from the full brunt of the blow later. I know it will. You can’t scare me or shake me up when I know you’re coming for me and I know what you’re about to hit me with.

KNowing that it’s POSSIBLE, not PROBABLE, but POSSIBLE to succumb to Duchenne at 11, this adjusts my whole base. Changes everything I had steeled myself against. But I’m doing it without a whole lot of emotional fallout.  I was more shocked to read it than I was devastated by the possibility of it happening to Ian. THAT”S how I know I’m getting better. Stronger. I would have been in the hospital last year if you would have told me this shit. THis talk therapy is amazing.

Now if you don’t mind, I’ve typed my share this morning, and I want to go enjoy my day.

Enjoy yours.

Have some melatonin, now when do i take it and how much and what will it do.

ty

PDoc said if this doesn’t work she’ll prescribe a new anti-anxiety med to help me sleep without nightmares. I guess there’s some pill that is specifically for PTSD nightmares, but she also wants my anxiety down a notch.

We were talking about Ian and mom and how she is probably going to stick her head in the sand with him too, like she did with dad. I told her that I can protect Ian though. She won’t get to him at all with her bullshit. Then doc said that we are the ones who have to make all the decisions  so she should just butt the hell out. But then she said she’s worried that I’m swallowing shit that I shouldn’t even be chewing yet. Worry -wise. I told her that any smart person looks ahead and helps plan the meal.

Then I tried to explain why I torture myself with …. with all of it. why I touch him every chance I get. Why I cry in pvt when he talks about his future. Why I sit and hold his hand while he sleeps. Why I think I just might die when he does. Why I think of his death and his burial and everything else my warped mind conjures up.

Because he deserves it. He’s worth it to me. He’s worth the pain it causes my heart when it finds out just how much my brain really knows but isn’t telling. On the day …. the HOUR I found out about his existence, I started to prepare for his arrival into this world. It’s only right that I spend at least that long planning his exit from it. I can’t risk that I wait and try to plan when it’s too late to do with any rational thought. I absolutely cannot make a mistake with something this important.

And it’s not like I think about the BAD-bad stuff all the time anyway. Every so often MD or I will see something that reminds us that somewhere over the greyscale rainbow there are decisions waiting for us.  A whole bunch of decisions that no parent should have to make. No parent should have to wonder if they’ll be able to stop live saving measures on their child, or respect a teenagers wishes of a DNR. No parents should have to wonder what music he’d like at his funeral. Or have to decide whether the nightmares would be worse if he were buried or if he were cremated. Or where to bury. Or when to pull out of school because there’s no damn good sense for his ass to be there. Or how to look a child in eye after they find out what terminal means. Or how to look a child in the eyes and smile as they talk about the children they’ll never have. Or the car they’ll never drive. Or the wife they’ll never have.

It’s all fine and dandy to say – hey, don’t worry about that shit now, you’re missing the time you have right now.

Well since i”m in a pissy mood, let me answer you right up front….

1) When these things are discussed, Ian is in bed or at school. No Ian time was wasted by the discussions. So I AM enjoying the time I have now with him. If anything, it makes our time all the more special because I am ALWAYS aware of what the reality is.

2) SOMEbody has to make these decisions. He’s my kid. I don’t trust anyone else. No one else. And since dad’s death caught us with our pants down, I won’t let that happen again. Mom’s braindead shock really affected dad’s funeral attangements. She wasn’t in her right mind and it showed. Even something simple as the music. And pictures. And ‘ speeches ‘. All that takes awhile to get perfect. I want it to be perfect. Hell I started JIC letters this year. Just In Case I die, I wanted you to know that ….. blahblahblah.  And I don’t plan on biting it anytime soon. knockknockknock.

Again, I don’t sit around all day and think about this shit. But all it takes is one reminder and my mind starts whirling about the cough assist and how long we have until it becomes my ‘new best friend ‘. Or about the spinal surgery he’s going to need. Or the trach. Or the ventilator. Or the feeding tube. Or the gawd knows what that I don’t know about yet.

You just have no idea. It’s like a fun house. You KNOW that Freddie is around one of the corners sharpening his nails , but the werewolf is breathing in your ear and you have no choice but to go straight ahead and just wait for the sumbitch to jump out and getcha.

I’m just waiting. Holding my breath. Trying not to piss myself. We don’t know how long we have with him. 10 years? 15? 6? 2? How do you function not knowing something like that? How DO you carry on like nothing is wrong and everything is going to be ok and not worry about all this shit?

———

I think I’m done now.

I’m fine. Not even crying. I just needed to get this to print.

I won’t go into our discussions, because they are very sad. But it’s our way of handling this. Our way of talking about it instead of succumbing to the over 80% divorce rate of duchenne parents. That’s crazy frightening. I am hoping we can be one of the lucky ones who get to keep their marriage when we lose our son. I’m going to need MD for a very long time.

I had a headache soo bad this morning. Took an axert and then an axert booster an hour later to kill it. But I am ever so thankful that it did. Beats having to spend hundreds of dollars on a shot.

Bana is having 3 friends over tonight. Yay.

THis post is lame. I’m off to clean until I have something better to say.