Thanks Laura. I’ll still try again today. My goal is 3 places to call. Going to try not to think about it before hand. Just pick up the phone and do it. Gulp.

I added some pictures to the gallery. A shitty one of me. Mostly pics of my lillies. Because I love me some lillies. LOVE me some lillies. Wish I could have a whole yard full of them. If anyone knows what the last two are called, I’d love to hear it. The little reddish one and the peachy one. Are they some sort of day lillies? Muchos gracias.

I didn’t get any places called today. Why? Because I simply can’t pick up the phone to do it. Why am I like this? I have a list of all the places that donated the last time, so there’s a good chance they’ll say yes, yet I still can’t make that call.  My cousin is left to make them, and that’s not fair.

I walked around with the phone in my hand for over an hour. I was sweating and my heart was beating out of my chest and I felt like I was going to throw up. I actually made 4 calls Friday, but it just doesn’t get easier. Not in any way.

I wish I could pay my older kiddos to do it. But people might not believe them since they would sound like kids. Would they? Gawd, I suck. Pimping out my kids because they can chit chat with anyone at anytime.

I need to find a way to do this or the tournament is going to suck. We raised a lot of money through raffles the last time.

I’m such a loser at this shit. I am totally the wrong man for this donation gig.

I start Monday, which is good since my sister will be in town this week.

Now I’m nervous I won’t do well. There’s always something to stress about.

Now back to calling for donations for the raffles. Yuck.

IGOTTHEFUCKINGJOB!

Sorry, I’ve wanted to say that all day. Ok, I have been saying it all day. My kids want me to say it somewhere else.

I make diddly squat for pay, I work less than 30 hours a week, I work in a run down office downtown - and I couldn’t be happier.

[Insert happy dance complete with ass shake]

There you go Nancy - donation info is up. Hopefully I’ll get some movies to raffle off.

Said he was blown away. And that he was off to convince the office gals to hire me.

Yeah, we’ll see what happens.

I think it went well. Then again, what do I know?

————————–

The pay is subpar and it’s only part time, which means I won’t be bringing in that much money. BUT, some money is better than nothing. It could grow into full time. I can wear jeans or shorts. I can wear flip flops. I can make hours that suit me. I can leave early if need be. I can make those hours up if I need to. Simply put, the atmosphere is very casual. And he said with my GM experience, he might use me for other things if the fit is right later.

If nothing else, I can use this job to look for something else. Right?

I have to get the job first.

Wow, you’d think I would have known better than to go hunting around in August of ‘07 for some information about the tournament. To be blind-sided by dad’s death about knocked the wind outta me. I hadn’t forgotten, but I damn sure wasn’t thinking. And of course I had to read, so of course I have to reapply my makeup now. And thanks again. Lots of support during that time.

That letter I sent out to my classmates, a friend of mine sent out one immediately after telling everyone that they should donate at least $25 each in memory of our classmate. OMG. I never would have the balls to do something like that. I’m jealous. I also love her, and I hope her message works. I would love to raise even more money this year. I need to look and see what the last total was, but I know it was over $1100. We don’t have much in expenses this time around, but we don’t have the high dollar raffle items either. Last time we had a Dewalt drill set, and a set of new golf clubs/bag. We made a buttload on raffles. I don’t see that happening this time. But, we’ll have food and registration money. And whatever we raise will be more than the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society had yesterday.

Trying to call these businesses for donations has never been a favorite thing of mine to do. I just can’t pick up the phone like most people. For anything. ESPECIALLY to ask for shit. So far I’ve got nothing. Have called 5 places, and have nothing to show for it. Yay me.I think I’ve had all I can take for one day.

I sent a letter to my classmates giving them some info on the walk and tournament - which was a big deal for me. Took me this entire week to hit send. Those pills they give me for anxiety - they rock. Not.

Doc gave me Maxalt to try for my migraines. Tried it on a small one, and it did the trick. We’ll see how it works on a big one. When I get one. No rush. I also have my midrin to use on the cluster migraines. But right now, I’m in a lull and I’m enjoying it.

MD has gotten really close to a guy from volleyball. I’ve been trying to get close to the wife so we can do more shit together. She’s cool, but they’re 10 years younger than us, and they are just starting the baby thing. Although it is cool getting my baby fix and then handing him back when he cries.

ANyway, I told this gal I was bipolar the other day, and guess what? She was diagnosed moderate bipolar when she was young. Not sure what moderate means, but at least she’s not going to run for the hills because of my dx.

And I’ve made a new friend. Turns out a moderately crazy one, but a friend nonetheless.

Rest in peace.

Tomorrow at 1:30.

Gah

They didn’t call back for that interview with the owner. What am I doing wrong? I have really good feelings about how these interviews go, and then nothing comes of it.

Pity party time.

They want me to talk to the owner now. That’s good, right?

Father’s Day sucked. I gather it will now for the rest of my life.

My mom started anti-depressants this morning. She needs them. I cleaned her house for her a week or so ago. DustCity. Guess I’ll do it every month unless these meds knock her out of her funk.

I wish I had a treadmill. I’m so depressed about my body. That dream needs to step to the back of the line. Hell, it’ll be hard enough to buy fireworks this year.

My sister is coming down for the 4th. Driving up. Whatever. Wondering if I’m going to have a job now and mess up her visit. What must be must be.

Another interview for a job that might be perfect. It’s just an office clerk, but it’s part time, which means I can have days off for appts. Not sure if I’ve conveyed just how important it is for me to make these appts. No meds without them, and the boys go every two months and I go every 6 weeks. Still. Thanks to my need to change things up constantly. I should have been going every 6 months years ago. Oh well.

Anyway, not sure what the job pays, but if it’s above minimum, I’ll take it gladly. Please let them like me.

Was talking to a friend (? … person I know?) last night at MD’s volleyball game, and we got on the subject of jobs and unemployment. Told her that I filed yesterday.  She told me to give her a call because she had a list of places/names I could put down on the job search sheet. ??? Huh? Told her thanks, but no thanks. I apply at plenty of places, and I’ll have no problem making the 2 a week quota — I’ve sent out 8 this week alone.

I just don’t get people. Yeah, I guess to sit home and make a check is ok to some, but I want a JOB. I want benefits, if possible. I want to DO SOMETHING other than sit here on my ass. Frustrating that people are like that.

Haven’t felt much like posting. What else is new. I started taking the full dose of lithium again. Just didn’t like myself very much without it. Nobody else liked me much either. Still doesn’t do much for the ego knowing I have to take a med in order to be tolerable. Shit like that messes with your head.

I sent out 6 resumes yesterday. Also filed for unemployment. Should have done that months ago. I just didn’t think it would take this long to find a job. Sucks when no one wants you. Well, the local gas station offered me a job, but at minimum wage, 25 hours a week - can’t live on that. It’s amazing that I used to make $50k flipping burgers. Ok, I managed those who flipped the burgers, but still. Sad part is, I don’t trust myself to do that job anymore. I know I can’t. That’s not being whine-y or mope-y, I simply don’t have the brain power like I used to. I’m not bipolar anymore. I mean, I am, but the symptoms are gone, and I needed them to do as well I did back then. But hell, I’ll apply for anything right now - confidence or no confidence. I just need a job. Next month is looking very very ugly without some income coming in from me. But no pressure. Argh.

MB5 has been getting a color change every day at summer school. Not keeping hands to himself. Not sure what that means exactly, and she won’t answer my notes, but he does it every day whatever it is.  He doesn’t seem to understand why he’s getting into trouble. He can’t tell me anyway. I don’t want him to hate summer school, but I don’t want him in trouble every day either. Now I live in fear of that damn behavior paper. I’m sure he does too.

The volleyball tournament is ON!!!!!! August 22nd. Couldn’t have picked a hotter day, eh? It’s the only day that made sense that was left. I’ll be smart this time and try to avoid a heat stroke. That shit was horrible last time. I’m just glad we’re having it this year. I don’t like to go to the walk empty handed.

MD got called in to make a delivery to one of his stores that ran out of bottles and cans. She does her own ordering, so it makes it a tough pill to swallow when she runs out - because her store is an hour away. Puts me in a fabulous mood.

Not.

I’m not as snotty as I was, so I think maybe the monthly hag was playing a large part. Although, I am quick to anger, so I know there’s some sort of trouble cutting back on the dose. Not sure if it’s something I can keep a handle on or not. I keep asking my family every day if I’m tolerable. Isn’t that a sad way to live your life? My memory hasn’t improved yet, but I’m hopeful that it will get better. I can’t keep going on like this. I have screwed up the bills 3 times this past week alone. I simply can’t remember what I’ve already done. And I can’t seem to remember to write anything down to mark that I’ve done it, so shit gets all clusterscrewed. MD has agreed to start helping me until my brain comes back. If it ever comes back. What if it doesn’t? My gawd. What if I’m to be like this forever? Doc said we might have to have neuro-something or another testing if the lowered lithium levels don’t help. I wonder if these drugs could have melted my brain? Probably possible.

Would anyone ever admit to me that it’s possible? Probably not.

I don’t think I should be in charge of the bills anymore. I can’t seem to do it without screwing it up lately. First, I gave MD and I both a heart attack when I ‘lost’ $145. Then I ‘found’ it again, and an extra $19 to boot. I like my shit to balance to the T, so this is killing me. This is getting so common, that I had to add a special line item - adjustment to the bank account. That means Ang screwed up again, and we need to write something away. MD said he’d start helping me. I need an extra set of eyes.

But if I can’t keep my own checkbook balanced, how can I ever think of keeping shit straight at a job?

The other reunion was ok. Definitely not like the first one, but I didn’t spend my teenage years with them either. We could laugh about REALLY old time in grade school, and a few freshman memories, but for the most part, they spent high school together, and I wasn’t with them. It was still fun, and I loved seeing them all again, but I was feeling a bit awkward.  That looks strange, is that how you spell that? Too lazy to look it up.

—

Still snotty. And it’s getting worse. I have to remind myself to be nice every single time I open my mouth. That’s no way to live. Few more days, and then I’m afraid I’m back to lithium full force. I guess I just can’t handle shit without it. Am I that inherently bad that the very moment one of the pills goes away, the demon in me starts to terrorize everyone? I don’t remember being this way before - always mean 24/7. MD thinks the pills messed with me chemically, and made it so that I HAVE to have the pills now in order to function in society. Not like some evil plot by the doctor, but simply a side effect of taking anti-psychotic medicine. Maybe he’s right. Hope so. That would be so much nicer to believe than I’m just the devil.

I’ve been on the lowered dose of lithium for a week now, and as best I can tell, I’m doing pretty good. I’m a little irritable, but I’m sporting a monthly visitor, so that might have something to do with it. So far, so good. If I’m still grouchy next week, then maybe I’ll rethink things. I don’t want to do this if the abilify can’t handle things alone. That’s the plan.

I didn’t tell anyone at the reunion that I was bipolar. Especially not after the crack someone made about so and so being bipolar - snicker snicker. He’s not really, but he was acting weird, so they threw the nice label on him. Like hell I was going to say anything after that. Not that I need to anyway, I just thought I might for some reason. Doubtful it’ll happen tonight too. I haven’t seen these people in even longer, and I don’t feel as close to them as I did to my regular class. So, you are the only ones that know. And my 3 IRL friends. That’s it. Kinda lonely in the know.

I was flipping through my son’s graduation cards, and much to my surprise, I find this little gem ….” congratulations on graduating, and I’m glad you finally got laid!”

Ahem.

…………. I was really quite speechless. I shot it over to MB2, who read it and raised an eyebrow. Looks like he didn’t know either. Of course, he quickly scooted downstairs to tell MB1 that I knew the big secret.

To his credit, he came upstairs, looked at me, and sat down - waiting.

MM: Are you going to do your thank you cards now?

MB1: Yes, in a minute. Don’t you want to talk to me first?

MM: Nope, you’re a big boy now. But I will remind you that I’ve gotten pregnant 7 times while using various birth control methods. To not use it is just plain ignorant.

MB1: I did.

MM: (Just once then ….)

MM: Good. And I hope you’re man enough to have a sit down if her parents find out. And it might be a bit more uncomfortable.

MB1: I am.

MM: Good. Now about those thank you cards ……

————-

I really hope I’m doing the right thing here. I feel like crying for some reason. Does that mean I’m handling this wrong? Should I ground him? Should I yell and scream? I just don’t think I have it in me with these pills. I don’t have the ability to get fired up at all. And do I really want to? My son had sex for the first time at age 18 with a girl he really cares about. I lost my V to a boy at 15 that I didn’t even like that much - just because I was curious. And let’s not even get started with MD. He was a virgin for about 5 minutes.

………letting out big breath ……….

What’s done is done. I hope I’ve rooted the birth control subject firmly into his brain. What else can I do?

My other 20th reunion is tonight. Pretty nervous about this one. Haven’t seen these people since graduation either. And that was for about 20 minutes. Haven’t really talked to any of them since Freshman year. That was a long time ago. Fortunately, the ones going are the ones I knew pretty well, and they are real sweethearts. Talk about small class - this one graduated 17. MD can’t go with me tonight either, so I have to walk in alone. Egads. You’d think I would get better at this social shit. Doesn’t appear to be the case.

It’s garage sale season and I hate being poor. You know you’re poor when you can’t take $20 and make the garage sale rounds. But, until I find a job, money is T-I-G-H-T. Just the way it is.

MB5 is doing really good at school. The teacher sent home a little note telling me that he’s doing fine. I’m so relieved. I still foresee a few problems here and there, but getting him used to that atmosphere was my main concern.

MB1 opened up his first checking account yesterday. He opted not to have me on the account. Let’s see how long before he needs money deposited and adds me to it. Never mind, ’cause I won’t add money to his account. I already warned him about keeping his account balanced and such. That we couldn’t and won’t bail him out because of stupidity. This should be interesting. MB2 handles his check book like a champ. Maybe MB1 will do the same. Hope so.

MB2 quit his job a few weeks ago, and has been slow to find another one. He’s holding out for one in particular, and if that doesn’t pan out, he’ll go out again hot and heavy. He has close to a $1000 in the bank, so it’s not like he can’t pay his bills for awhile until he finds something.

Doc decided to freeze them instead. I was happy until the incredible burn kicked in. Ouch. And still ouch. Everytime my leg rubs against my jeans it makes a big ouch. One on my face isn’t so bad. Hope she got that one good enough. Not really sure what happens at this point? They fall off? Dunno. Guess I’ll find out soon enough.

Getting ready to go have these things removed from my body. I’m nervous as hell about the needles to deaden the areas. A shot in my face? Good Gawd. I’d better not think about it. Can’t even take an ativan because they don’t work worth a shit.

MB5 is doing great at school so far. At least that’s what the teacher tells me. He’s thrilled to death he gets to ride the little bus. I wish he’d grow so he could ride with MB4 and MG. Would be so much easier if they got on and off at the same times. The way it is now is crazy. There’s almost 20 minutes between the older ones leaving and wee one getting on the bus. Same thing after school. Going to make it even harder to find a job. Well, just have to train and hope that MB3 will help him on and off like I have to every day. He is only 13.  That’s a lot to place on his shoulders.

Damn. Time to go get whacked on. Wish me luck.

The reunion was great. From what I remember. I got a little bit hammered. Ok, a lot hammered. Old friend kept saying, Put it on my tab, and more drinks would appear. I’m not one to let a good Tequila Sunrise go to waste. I do remember most of it, and it was fun. MD was able to take off work early and showed up for about an hour or so at the end. Then he claims we went home and had the best night of our lives - except I don’t remember a thing. Nothing. Nada. What a crock.

—-

The graduation was …. a graduation. Not sure if you’d call it a good time. It was hot and the sun was burning my flesh and we had to sit there for 3 hours watching the little ones squirm with boredom. The after party was ok. Sure were a lot of people that showed up. We only had 4 guests there. This party was for 4 of the graduates, and I swear one family must have had 60-70 people in and out of there.

So, my oldest has graduated high school. I would have liked to have Dad see this day.

Another year passes, and another Memorial Day passes without a marker of sorts for Dad. We still haven’t spread his ashes or planted them or whatever we’re doing. He’s still just sitting there in a box on mom’s dresser. Ick. She wants it to be perfect - I know that. But I think that Dad would want her to piss or get off the pot already. He once said to toss him off of King Hill - a place where he grew up - and I say that’s what we do. But she wants to plant a cherry tree and mix his ashes in there. Whatever. Just do something. We took flowers out yesterday for 11 people - except my dad. I hate that.

—-

Wee one went off to summer school this morning. He had to ride a different bus than the other two kiddos, because he needed a special harness since he’s so small. It killed me to put him on there all alone. He looked like he was about to cry. I’ve been dressed and ready to go get him in case that phone rings. I was so shaken that I forgot to get pics of him on his first bus ride. Dammit.

—

Now I sit here with no little kids at home. The older boys are all off doing whatever and here I sit. No new jobs in the paper. Not sure what I should be doing. Well, I know what I SHOULD be doing - working. But what to do until I find a job?

—-

New pics in the gallery.

I head out to my reunion in an hour. I’m nervous as all get out. Don’t know why, I’ve never been one to give a shit what people think before. But obviously, I’m 40 pounds heavier, and light years away from that smiling blond in the photo. I am 6 kids richer though. And they’ll see I no longer smoke anymore. We’ll see if I can still drink them under the table. Doubtful, since these meds put a hurtin’ on me if I drink too much. And yes, I have a ride to and from, so I won’t need to worry about driving.

Gawd, why am I so nervous?

I read Dooce. Yeah, I know. But I do. It’s like an obligation or something. Dunno. Anyfuckingway …..  after reading about her latest skin issues, I finally made the appointment to go talk to my doctor about a few spots that I have. Turns out they are indeed actinic keratosis, and have to be removed asap. She was all hot and heavy to do it tomorrow, but one is on my face, and with my reunion, and graduation … I wanted to wait until next week. I’d rather not have  a bandage on my cheek. Is that bad? Two more on my leg. I could have swore there were more on the other leg, so she said to comb over my body thoroughly, and circle areas of question. She’ll remove them all next Thursday. Let’s hope the labs come back benign and I’m good to go. It’d really suck if they didn’t.

So, if YOU haven’t made that call yet about the spots YOU’ve been wondering about - CALL YOUR FUCKING DOCTOR!

I have bought 11 lipsticks the past 6 months looking for the closest replacement for my discontinued color. I have had no luck. If I mix a couple, I get the desired result, but one of them has a weird smell, and it gives me a headache to use it.

Why can’t this be easier? Am I missing something? And why don’t they ever look like they did at the store? And why do some come in covered tubes? Those colored bricks look nothing like the actual lipstick. What utter bullshit. I haven’t been to the mall - they still do that try on before you buy shit? I’ll have to check there. Fortunately, my obsession hasn’t cost us all that much. Most of the tubes are from the Dollar Store - buck a piece. Probably why they give me a headache.

———–

My dear friend Michelle reminded me that nothing is out of reach through the internet. I now have 2 tubes of Rum Raisin coming at me from ebay. They also have it at a few other stores, but ebay was cheaper. It’ll probably be used or some shit. But if it works? Could’ve saved me all that money. Damn.

Just because you CAN post to Facebook from your phone, doesn’t mean you should.

Really, if you don’t have shit to say, don’t say anything.

Starting to get nervous about MB5 going to summer camp. He still pees sitting down, and still manages to piss all over the back of his pants at least 3-4 times a week. And he still can’t wipe his ass most of the time. Maybe I should hold him out of summer camp, and see if he is ready for kindergarten. I don’t know.

Big week around here. Graduation, school’s out, reunion. I found a perfect pair of jeans — at the thrift store — that hide my belly pudge quite nicely. Now I’m not quite so nervous about the reunion.

Do  you dress up at a graduation? If it’s at a football field? Yeah, huh? We’re so out of things like this.

Still looking. Still not having any luck. I’ll be back in food shortly. Thrill.

Attended the memorial service for the classmate that passed. I went with my friend, the one that dated him. It was awkward. To say the least. I didn’t expect to be recognized, but she did. She thought his family would .. I don’t know, talk to her? Embrace her? Not sure what she wanted, but she didn’t get it.

Wasn’t a total loss though. As we were getting ready to leave, we saw a few other classmates. Two of which I haven’t seen in 20 years. That’s a long damn time. I wasn’t looking forward to the reunion, but now I am. Time seems to heal and soften and put things into perspective. I could hang out with these 3 guys and have a great time, so I’m glad I’m going.

Not so sure about the other reunion. I get to attend another 20 year reunion, as I went to school with these other folks from Kindergarten through 9th grade. They invited me to attend, and I was excited about it - till I remembered my ex-boyfriend. I hope he doesn’t go. He’s still an asshole, and I just don’t want the drama.

Kids are out of school next week. Where the hell did this school year go? Good gawd. Summer school starts the next week, and it will crush me to watch MB5 get on the bus with the other two little ones. He’s so tiny. He cannot wait though. I’m glad he’s excited now. That shit might change once they make him start working.

I still love musicovery. I don’t know why. I think it’s because songs I haven’t heard of or thought of in awhile pop up and pleasantly surprise me. I like to be pleasantly surprised.

I’m having a real hard time finding the motivation to lose this last 10 pounds. You’d think having TWO 20 year reunions coming up would be motivation enough, but nooooooooooo.  My ass doesn’t seem to care. Actually it’s my gut that doesn’t care. I can live with my ass. For now. I just need to do some serious situps. I look 5 month pregnant. And I am NOT kidding. I’d show pictures, but then I’d have to shoot myself. I really want to take the easy way out and have a tummy tuck with our income tax money next year, but I’d feel really selfish. Very selfish. Dammit.

MB1’s car should be fixed tomorrow. Whooohooo.

I rarely listen to the radio, so I’m not really current with the music these days. Poor MB5 is along for the ride, so he listens to whatever I listen to. I made him a cd of his favorite songs the other day, and MD just shook his head : Dream On, We Are The Champions, Wheel in the Sky, Stranglehold, Time for Me To Fly, Mean To Me, Mr GoldenDeal, Eleanor Ribgy, No One, Bother, Broken, Red, Over You …… There’s more on his second cd, but let’s just say that it’s Audioslave and Staind and shit like that. I’ve probably scarred him for life.So why does it make me smile to hear him sing When The Lights Go Down In The City?

Well that perfect job went to someone with Medical training. Not that I’m surprised. Just bummed. There isn’t anything new in the paper today.  Nothing new on Monster or Hot Jobs. Wondering what the hell a gal is to do. Guess keep searching like everyone else out there in my boat.

—

Going to that service tonight for T. Puts a knot in my stomach.I hate this sort of thing.

—

MB1 finally has enough money saved to fix his car. That means I don’t have to share mine anymore. That means I can get a job that works past 4. That should help tremendously. Oh, who am I kidding? There aren’t ANY fucking jobs out there.

There were only 36 of us in our high school class. Private Catholic school. We lost one 9 years ago to lymphoma - one of my best friends Shawn. We lost another one Wednesday night, though no one knows what happened. He lived in Colorado, and the only news we have is “unexpected death”. He didn’t really keep in touch with anyone. Truth is, he dated one of my friends for many years in high school, and I hated his guts. I tried to stab him once.  I didn’t come here to bad mouth the dead. He wasn’t the best of boyfriends, let’s put it that way.  But as luck would have it, he was on the same plane to Europe that MD and I were on so many years ago. He has just joined the Air Force, and MD and I were in the Army. We said hi and laughed as we saw each other on the plane. I introduced him to MD, and he introduced his new wife. And just like that, the teenage shit was just that … stupid teenage shit. We wished each other well, and that was that. And now he’s gone. My friend won’t take it well. She says she is, but I know better. She still loved him, after all these years. And now he’s gone. To make it even more shitty, his wife died before him, and they leave 3 little kids. Just a damn shame. I’ll go with her Thursday to his memorial service they’re having here in town. Show my respect. Try to hide my shock that someone else is gone.

—

A guy MD works with lost his 3 year old daughter this week to leukemia. I know nothing about her, except that her parents must be absolutely devastated. The mom is pregnant with their 2nd child, and I pray that this baby is healthy.

—

I turn 38 today. Probably not a number that people usually rejoice over, but today, given all that’s happened this week, I’m going to thank God that I’ve been given 38 years on this Earth. And since a few more would be great, I guess that means I have to stop moaning about getting older and approaching 40. I’ll take what I can get and be thankful.

Ever since the talk about sex and protection, my mind has been going crazy.

We told him that night if he wasn’t man enough to buy condoms, he wasn’t man enough for sex. Told him that we wanted proof that he actually bought them so he doesn’t make me a grandma at 37 ….. ok 38, whatever. He man’ed up and bought a three pack. They’re sitting in my glove box. An UNopened box. They were too busy that night to even think about it. ……. Good.

So now I have condoms in my glove box. They belong to my 18 year old son who probably has not had sex before. My gut tells me no. He’s too open about his life to be able to keep that secret. He’d at least tell his brother and he’d tell me.

But it’s none of my business, right? As long as he uses protection, it’s none of my business. Right? Argh. Then why do I fight the urge to check that box of condoms every time I get into the car to make sure it’s still unopened? We won’t even discuss how old I was my first time. Geezus.

That’s another thing. I know that the only alcohol MB1 has tried has been with us. I gave him a wine cooler to try, and MD let him try a beer. His friends were headed to a party once, and when he found out it was a college keg party, he had them take him home. I would have called my mom to tell her that I needed a ride home later because I was going to be too drunk to drive. And she would come to get me and my friends late that night. Probably why the woman hated me. Nah, just joshing. She hated me before that. She actually seemed to be ok with the rides/drinking/etc. As long as I was hanging out with the popular kids. Heaven forbid I drink with my crowd.

And I know my kids haven’t tried drugs. We won’t go there, but damn. I can’t tell if we’ve raised them right, or if we’ve fucked them up. He’s going to get to college and go APESHIT. Gawd, what have I done? He doesn’t know anything about drinking. Is that my job to teach him that?

And another thing ….. after prom we always rented hotel rooms to party at. Booze, sex, destruction ….  we had a good time. Same with graduation. We had a party to end all parties. My dad made 8 gallons of his special blend of different alcohols for us to party with. The parents took the keys when we got there, and we all left the next morning, hurtin’ for certain. But it was a night to remember. My son’s plans involve a party at the legion with us and 3 of his friends and their families. Not sure how long this party will go on. Not sure if he has other plans in mind. Not sure if there are other parties. Not sure if I could handle it if there were other (wild) parties and he decided to go. I can’t handle the thought of him drinking. Man, what a hypocrite I am.

No real point to this post other than to remind myself how bad I was as a kid and how good my son is. But I can’t keep him in a bubble forever.

My son’s condoms are in my car. Gawd.

Well, I really don’t know how the interview went. She seemed to like me. She has two more imterviews, and then she’d like a few of the candidates to shadow her other MAs for a day or two to see if it’s something they would like to do. Then she hopes to have a decision by the end of next week. Joy. Nothing like waiting a week.

In other news, they are planning my 20th high school reunion. Another joy. I’m curious to see a few people, but dreading the rest of them. Feel like not even going, but I know some people would be pissed. Feels like high school all over again.

Ok, everyone pray or think good mojo or whatever it is you do - I have an interview tomorrow for a medical assistant, and the hours couldn’t be better. 10-4 M-Thurs. OMG, I can still be home for MB1 to take the car to work. I can still take MB4 and MB2 to their appts at 8am every other month and still be at work on time. She said it will grow into a permanent position later on. Perfect. OMG, please say a prayer for me. I was hoping to find something in the medical field, and this seems like the right fit. Let’s just hope they think so. I’ll be so bummed if they go with someone else. Good vibes that I don’t make an ass of myself tomorrow.

—

Oh man. The screening. Geezus. I wish I could say I was wrong and that he did brilliantly. He scored 25 out of 100. Go MB5! SOME of that is due to the fact that he is incredibly shy, and he barely talked above a whisper the entire time. Some of the things I know he knows, he simply refused to answer.

She (the counselor) strongly suggested that I go ahead and let him start. She said that his scores showed that he was ahead in other areas, which tells her that he is a smart boy, just going to develop at his own pace. I told her that I suspect he has a touch of OCD, and she said that explains a lot. Whatever that means. (And btw, he’s turned into a hand-washer. Holy shit does this boy wash his hands. I’m afraid he won’t have any skin left.)

Anyway, we have some work ahead of us. He knows ZERO of his ABC’s. A year of preschool and he knows diddly squat. I’ve tried working with him lyself, but he’s not too keen on sitting still and learning. I really wish I didn’t see doc visits in his future. I’m going to ask the kids’ doc what I should do the next time to help him be more flexible, assuming his does have OCD. Geezus, he’s so un-adaptable. Yes, that’s a word. I just want him to have a normal time at school. It’s downright cruel what the mind can do to a person.

My 7yo daughter was skipping around the house because she has her first boyfriend. I knew this little boy liked her last year. He chased her and brought her flowers from his mom’s garden and played with her at recess instead of his friends. Let’s hope this first relationship doesn’t lead to the first heartsmashing. She told MD that they were in love and that she wasn’t too thrilled that her last name would be …… well, to protect this little one’s identity, I won’t say. But it’s something you get at McDonald’s.

MB5’s screening is in one hour. I’m nervous as hell. I’ve tried preparing him for it, but it’s no use. The whole hearing test talk didn’t work out so well. He now thinks they’re going to pierce his ears. I tried making him say his ABC’s, but he held up his hand and said “I got this”. Whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean. Kid can’t recognize his alphabet, but he can tell me to turn the radio up in the van because Seether is playing. Priorities.

I’ll be 38 in a bit. I remember turning 31 on this blog. Again, time sure flies. Just wish I didn’t look 48, then I might take this aging thing a bit better. I have been dropping hints that I want a NOAA radio for my birthday. Aren’t I just the practical one? Actually, I’m just sick of sleeping on the couch listening for the alerts on the tv and for the sirens to go off the past few nights. I hate storms. I make all the kids sleep in the basement so I don’t have to worry about getting them down there when the warning sounds. Yes, I’m a ninny. I’d actually like the crank kind, but I’m not sure how well they really work. The kind with the radio and flashlight on it as well. Gee, I’m not greedy, eh?

This is the week. I need to get a job this week or things are going to get UGLY. Our budget can’t handle much more of MD’s smaller than usual Salesman paychecks, or him not running the milk route, or me not having a job. Speaking of, it’s time to check the want ads again. Please let there be more than 2 pages of jobs.

It seems like I just posted MB1’s prom picture - but that was last year.

This year’s pics:

Aren’t they cute? We had the talk about protection again. I hope he uses his brain. I hope they’re too busy with activities tonight to even worry about it.

I am trying very hard not to remember my prom.

MB1 graduates from high school one month from today. I ran across his cap and gown this morning in my closet, and I felt like someone knocked the wind outta me.

He’s still not fully registered for school. He still hasn’t retaken the ACT to try and raise his score for one of the better automatic scholarships. He still hasn’t talked to the couselor at the school about financial aid.

Tell me it’ll be ok if he doesn’t go this year. Tell me it’ll be ok and the world won’t end, ’cause that’s exactly what my brain is screaming right now. There has never been any question in my mind that my children will go to college. Our life is too fucking hard to let our kids take the same path. I can’t even allow myself to think of him simply getting a job and starting his life.

OMG. He’s so not ready for that. I haven’t done a good job of preparing him for the real world. He’s not hard enough to make it without college. You have to be tough and willing to shovel shit and all that to survive, and he is just nowhere near there. And we are in no position to bail him out financially if he flies the coop, and then falls on his ass. This is a time of reckoning for parenthood, and I think we failed. I babied him too much. Let him slide too many times. He lacks the drive to …. well, to do anything. And part of that just might be my fault.

I think I’m going to have a panic attack.

I applied for a position as an office gal yesterday. I’m hoping for a call back. Say a word or two would ya?

Starting to get very nervous about MB5’s kindergarten screening next week. He still can’t jump or run or skip. Still doesn’t know his ABC’s or his 123’s. Still writes his name in a way that isn’t legible. Still can’t understand him when he talks. Still FREAKSTHEFUCKOUT when something doesn’t go his way. Just like MB4 did. Does. The kindergarten teachers stressed how the kiddos need to be adaptable. MB5 definitely isn’t adaptable. Heaven help the kid that gets him dirty at recess. Gawd, he’s going to get kicked out. Of Kindergarten. I guess I just need to take a deep breath and see what the teachers think. I heard I could even delay his entry into school for a year if need be. That might be an option. Although that would suck paying for daycare for another year. And damn, he’s already had a year of preschool. Why is he so behind?

Well, because I never make it easy, I’ve decided to go with the red UNTIL I can afford to have it colored back to blonde at the salon. That’ll be about $100, so it might take awhile. Maybe I was just blond for too long, because I feel like a stranger is looking back at me in the mirror right now. I just want it back, but maybe not such a light shade this time. And since it’s so dark right now, I’m terrified I would screw it up, so I want it done right.

In the meantime, I’m going to enjoy my last stint as a redhead, because I sure do like the compliments I get. But I was thinking, ’cause MD mentioned highlights as well, can you have highlights with red hair? Maybe not as bold/light? I don’t know how that would look. Any thoughts? Maybe if I can find something I like, I won’t switch. I don’t know. Maybe I need my medication adjusted.

MD’s volleyball starts up again this week. His team plays tonight. Yay me. There are some fine looking men on his team this year, and I plan on hitting every game. A girl can look. I won’t touch. Unless I can somehow get MD to give permission, and that might be tricky.

Got another Sorry we have nothing for you letter in the mail today. Guess I’d better practice asking if you want fries with that.

I really don’t know which way to go. I know, it’s just hair. But it isn’t. I hate the way I look right now and it weighs me down. I need to change, but I’m not sure if I should go back to red or blonde. Anyone passing through could give a nod as to which one they like best - I’d appreciate it.

Red:

Current Color of Shit Brown:

Blonde:

I’m leaning towards red, but it’s really a PITA to keep it that way. Then again, so is the blonde. Shit Brown is the only easy choice. Screw that.

I’m so sick of this brown shit. I want my blonde back. Or maybe the red.

MB4 had labs this morning. His veins roll. Always a lovely time.

MB4 had a wax museum night last night. He was Mark Twain. He did really well even though he had to stand there for an hour with a heavy, itchy wig and mustache on. He looked cute though.

Picture sucks since I had to take it with my phone - assholes - but at least I was able to take one.

Some guy just came by and asked me for the old hot water heater we had sitting in the garage. We were going to dump it during the next appliance roundup the city had, so I assumed it was ok to give it to him. Any particular reason why he would want it? Metal? Glad to be rid of it regardless. Enjoy buddy.

Someone stole my camera out of my purse tonight. I left it in the car tonight for MB4’s presentation, and now it’s gone. I know I shouldn’t have left my purse in the car, but this is Hicktown, USA. And I was only gone for 45 minutes. And it was hidden on the floor. I’m just sick. It wasn’t the best camera in the world, but I was just starting to get the hang of using it. Fuckers.

—

Have some real hard choices to make about a job. I need one in the worst way. We can’t hold out much longer without my income coming in. I had to turn down a position as a general manager at a fast food joint because I can’t work past 4:30 just yet. In a month? Yes, but for now? No. I need the kids to be out of school and done with sports. Until then, my availability sucks. So it looks like I might be taking a shift leader job there instead. Gawd how I hate the sound of that. But it would still leave me on the path to promotion, and I could basically pick my hours in the meantime. Money is money. Doesn’t even bother me to do ‘food’ again like I thought it would. I was damn good at it. Well, I was. That was before I developed LithiumBrain. I’m no energizerfuckingbunny. That’s for damn sure. I’d like me some of that lithium action.

I told MB4 the truth about the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus yesterday. Broke my heart. Yes, he’s 10 - plenty old enough to know the truth, but I hate the fact that the only reason I have to even tell him was thanks to a few assholes at school that couldn’t keep their mouth shut. He was happy going about his blissfully ignorant ways.

Oh hell, the truth didn’t phase him at all. He nodded when I told him about the Easter Bunny, but his eyes grew into huge saucers when I told him about Santa Claus. He said he had a feeling about the bunny, but that Santa surprised him.

I did my best to explain how he’s become a part of Santa Claus now and how he will help buy presents and wrap them and stay up late and eat cookies - and his response? Do I have to? He said he would if that’s what I want, but he doesn’t really need to do that stuff to be happy. I told him that he needed to keep it a secret regardless - that his little sister and brother still deserve to believe for a few more years, and he said ok. Now whether he can keep that secret is up for debate.

——

And today I told him that he was autistic. He was having such a hard time understanding a discussion we were having, and I knew it was because his brain just didn’t work like ‘that’. So I sat him on the steps and told him that he was very mildly autistic. And I told him that it was the reason he had trouble understanding people sometimes. And it was the reason that he had so much trouble wanting to pretend or play with regular toys. And I told him that it was the reason he went to speech and was learning how to talk to adults and other kids. I tried to include everything he has trouble with, in simple terms so that he understood that there was a good reason why things are the way they are. I was afraid of his reaction, but instead he seemed relieved. He asked if anyone else was autistic, and I told him that his cousin was. He asked about other specific people, and then he asked if there was medicine for it. Told him that the only thing we could do for this was to help him learn the things he had trouble with.

Then I left him and cried. Because I’m a wiener like that.

Kids are out of school for spring break. It’s not so bad, as long as they are entertaining themselves. They started riding my ass for something to do about an hour ago, so I said we could color the eggs. Smart.

#1 the older boys aren’t home. I had to call and tell them to wrap it up if they wanted to help us - they both declined. I know they’re 16 and 18, but dammit, I bet their asses are looking for candy Sunday morning. Shits. I should give them each one peep. With its head bitten off.

#2 I forgot something pretty big - to boil the eggs. We set up the colors and laid out the egg holders and put the grass in the baskets and when the kids looked at me and blinked, I knew I had forgotten to boil the eggs first. So, the eggs are boiling - much to MB5’s torture. He wants lifted up every 5 minutes to see their progress. How do I break the news to them that the eggs must cool first? Gah.

This whole time MG is steady talking and talking. I am nodding and agreeing with her because it’s easier than getting her to stop. Now we’re talking about the dinosaur ride in FL. Not sure which park, because I didn’t ride any rides. Partly because I’m chickenshit, partly to watch MB5.

She’s stopped talking. Ahhhh.

Never mind. She was just pausing to regroup.

Elvis has left the building.

Anyway…. oh hell, I hear her coming back. Must have needed a drink or something to gear up for round two. I love her, but man can she chat.

I was right. Time for me to escape find something productive to do while we wait to color eggs.

Hope everyone has a wonderful and blessed Easter.

I went ahead and renewed the domain, but I really don’t know how much longer this site will be up. I’ll wait until after I try kicking the lithium - to see if that makes a difference in how I post, but after that? I just don’t know. It’s been a long 6 years, and the last few have just been oomph-less. Yes, that’s a word. Makes me sad to see it go, but damn, if I can’t post, what sense does it make to have it here? Every time I say I’m going to make an effort to post more, the anxiety kicks in and says - no one wants to read that shit, and I skip another day. I can’t get back to that happy place where I write what I want to write — for me — and fuck the rest. Not sure that part of me exists anymore. But I won’t give up the pills entirely. My home life is 1000% better, and I can’t sacrifice that simply to keep this blog alive. No matter how much it pains me to lose it.

Today is our 19th wedding anniversary, and I love him more every year.